The best selling author Harold Kushner (When Bad Things Happen to Good People) wrote another book, not as well known but powerful beyond imagination.

In When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough Kushner reminds us that the happiest people in the world are not the richest and most famous.

Not the ones that work hardest at being happy.

That may explain why being happy doesn’t appear on many to-do lists.

The happiest people are the ones who are kind, helpful and reliable.  Isn’t that fascinating? 

And then happiness just happens while they are busy doing these things – a byproduct not a primary goal.

Kushner says,

“Happiness is a butterfly – the more you chase it, the more it flies away from you and hides.  But stop chasing it, put away your net and busy yourself with other, more productive things that the pursuit of personal happiness, and it will sneak up on you from behind and perch on your shoulder.”  

Today is a great day to try just being the fine person you are and letting happiness land on your shoulder.

The devastation from Hurricane Sandy has challenged millions of people in its wake forcing them to count their blessings and believe in their ability to begin anew.

Henry Kavett, a long time friend of mine dating back to his ABC Radio days has been without electricity, low on food and running on empty and yet his recent email could be an inspiration to all of us because it takes a hurricane to cause this kind of widespread damage but only a moment of gratitude to put things in perspective.

 “Things will get back to some kind of normal…because…” Out of bad…comes  good”, right? You said that…and I believe it… 

Things that we learned this week:

1. Gas is gas– brand name or XXX off brand, doesn’t matter
2. Life is precious and fragile
3. Live wisely
4. Things can be replaced
5. You will find out who truly cares about you in a crisis”

Adversity introduces a person to him or her self and to those around them.

Oprah Winfrey said:

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”

Go on a jealousy diet and relieve yourself of the deadweight that kills relationships. 

I think the two worst human conditions are the fear of intimacy and jealousy.

Jealousy is a complicated and involved malady but to the extent that it hurts us from being our best and bringing the best out of others, we need a plan to eliminate or greatly reduce it from our lives, our families, relationships and workplaces.

We go on low-fat and low carb diets.  Why not a Jealousy Diet as I outline in my book.

1. Let go of the fear that you don’t have any value.  Take the eye off of others and turn the attention to within.
2. Repeat often:  “Jealousy hurts me more than it hurts them”.  William Penn wrote that “the jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves”.
3. Count jealousies like calories – make a list of the people of whom you are jealous.
4. Focus on your accomplishments.  Harold Coffin said, “Envy is the art of counting the other person’s blessings instead of your own.”
5. Make amends for jealous behavior.

“In jealousy there is more self-love than love” – Francois VI, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, Maximes (1665)

We need to forgive ourselves and others.

Sometimes simply repeating the decision to forgive ourselves helps us to absorb painful feelings.

When we forgive those who have offended us, it is also an act of self-love

Martin Padovani, in his book “Healing Wounded Relationships” says letting go means moving on with our lives and relationships. 

Padovani says:

“It is futile to refuse to forgive another in order to punish him.  In the long run we are only self-destructively punishing ourselves, because we are immobilizing ourselves emotionally and spiritually.  We need to forgive others first for our own sake in order to heal”.

And forgiveness doesn’t mean that reconciliation with others is always possible.

Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.

Forgiveness can start here and now, but it may take a lifetime if ever to forget.

And for those who continually hurt us, remembering is protection from future offenses.

If the offender refuses our forgiveness, let them go.

We have done what we can and we can move on with life.

If this touches you, please feel free to forward it to friends and family. 

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We live in an age of collecting “friends” on Facebook and in our heart of hearts most of us know that we would be lucky to have a small handful of true friends in our lifetime.

It has been said that “Making a million friends is not an achievement, the achievement is to make a friend who stands with you when millions are against you”.

When a trusted and dear friend hurts us for whatever reason, it is a mind-jarring experience with repercussions to our future happiness.

After all the suffering and pain, this one thought is most important.

Never let anyone who hurts you make you doubt your ability to be a good friend to others or make you doubt that someone else will be a good friend to you.

If you do, your loss doubles.

“Everyone suffers at least one bad betrayal in their lifetime. It’s what unites us. The trick is not to let it destroy your trust in others when that happens. Don’t let them take that from you.” – Sherrilyn Kenyon, Invincible.

Our confidence tends to ebb and flow naturally based on how things are going in our lives.

When all is going our way, it’s hard not to be confident.

When times get tough, we often get tentative and second guess the very instincts that have previously made us successful.

So I thought I would pass along some instant confidence builders – things I have found to be effective just giving them a try.   I hope you like them and pass them on to others:

1. Repeat, “I have done it before, I can do it again”. 
2. Use an IOU from your past.  Borrow from something unexpected that you had to handle and did very well.  Then apply it to your current challenge.
3. Before opening the door to a meeting or interview where you need an extra dose of confidence say, “There is an important reason why I have been called to this meeting”.
4. Remind yourself, “I have earned the right” to do that which you are setting out to accomplish.
5. Preparation breeds self-confidence.  Instead of worrying, prepare more.

As William Jennings Bryan said:

“The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear and get a record of successful experiences behind you”.

The year Ted Williams became the first and only baseball player to hit for an over .400 batting average, he had the opportunity to sit out the final game of the season and guarantee that he would capture the record.

On September 28^th 1941, Williams went into the two final games (a doubleheader) batting .3996 that would have rounded off to .400 assuring that he would be the first player to ever hit .400 in a season.

His manager, Joe Cronin, suggested Williams sit out the last two games just to play it safe.

But Williams, the cocky 23-year old slugger in his third year with the Boston Red Sox said, “If I can’t hit .400 all the way, I don’t deserve it”.

Williams went six-for-eight including a homerun and a double to end with his record .406 batting average.

He didn’t even win the Most Valuable Player Award that year.  Joe DiMaggio won the MVP for hitting safely in 56 straight games.  Even Williams said, “Hell, I’d have even voted for DiMaggio”.

If you’re a golfer or like to watch golf on Sunday, going into the final day of competition on top of the other players is arguably not where you want to be.

More golfers – even the professional — lose the edge on the back nine of the final round by playing it safe.

People who invest in “blue chip” stocks for their future aren’t always guaranteed immediate protection from a prolonged economic downturn the nature of which we are seeing now.   And while safe stocks are an oxymoron, there are some that you can build a future on – just maybe not today.

It’s human nature to protect that which we have or have earned.

But playing it safe is a loser’s strategy.

So next chance you get, think of Ted Williams.

If you can’t do it, you don’t deserve it.

And more often than not you’ll achieve your goal but 100% of the time you’ll be living like an achiever.

A friend of mine would go to his desk, take out a piece of paper and write a letter to the person who angered him.

I realize that this is the digital era and paper is so – well, slow.

But he poured out his angry thoughts each and every time, signed the letter and put it in his top drawer where it remained until the next morning at which time he reread it and threw it in the trash can – unsent.

In fact, he never mailed even one angry letter this way.

All he needed was time – time to calm down, think things over and respond rather than react.

He saved a lot of friends and much unhappiness as a result.

Even with smartphones and instant access to each other, there are ways to do the same thing today.  

Pour out your thoughts and feelings and then save the draft to be reviewed the next day.   I’ll wager you will promptly drag that draft into your digital trashcan.

The cure for anger is the perspective that comes with time – even a little time — something that is very difficult to find in our Twitterific world.

Ambrose Bierce put it best:

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret”.

We have the power to put anger on “pause”.

Lance Armstrong has now lost his 7 Tour de France titles and most of his major endorsements. 

And while advertisers argue about getting their money back, Armstrong has not yet publicly admitted that he was using illegal drugs that would have disqualified him from winning.

Armstrong is a cancer survivor and a leader in the commendable Livestrong movement that has positively inspired many others.

Making a huge mistake, or for that matter a little one, in private or in public comes down to this:  you can’t heal and return to a good place until you own the mistake.

Step 1 – Admit the mistake. 

Step 2 – Make up for it in some way.  That’s where the magic happens.

Shame often prevents owning up to life’s mistakes.  And hanging onto to them only postpones the healing.

As Alexander Pope put it:

“No one should be ashamed to admit they are wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that they are wiser today than they were yesterday.”

Former South Dakota Senator George McGovern who died last week at 90, was a failed presidential candidate losing in the Nixon landslide of 1972 not even carrying his own state – one of the biggest repudiations of a presidential candidate in history.

Later, McGovern lost his senate seat in 1980. 

But George McGovern picked up the pieces and created a post-political, non-partisan alliance with Senator Bob Dole to combat hunger.

McGovern, the polarizing anti-Vietnam war candidate found a new purpose in life by working for the common good with someone who held polar opposite views.

McGovern, the liberal.

Dole, the conservative.

But both shared growing up in the plains during the Depression and they knew the ravages of hunger.

McGovern, before his death said,

“To be honest that was a very productive time of my life.  Sometimes life works that way; you accomplish more in defeat than you do in victory”.

We fail every day in lots of ways, but the key is to remember that failure is a rehearsal for success and to welcome it as such.

Change the way you look at life’s failures – small and large – and it can make a meaningful difference.