Thomas Edison who failed thousands of times in his quest to eventually invent the light bulb said “I have not failed.  I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work”.

That’s the attitude we need.

Failure means you’re on your way to success not that you’re headed for failure.

But employers don’t often think that way.

They want us to hit it out of the park.  Go big.  Lead the team to immediate victory.

Friends and family also send mixed messages.

Be your best.  Don’t let us down.  Everyone is counting on you.

I know of no one who has ever accomplished anything good or great by never making a mistake.  No one.

We know that but we let others get into our heads.  Instead, stop letting the stress and pressure of someone else’s desires act as a disincentive.

Don’t go big.

Go back – again, and again and again – until you succeed.

Winston Churchill said:

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill.

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Things are so bad for dethroned Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong that he has taken to Oprah Winfrey’s couch to express remorse.

From Oprah’s own mouth we hear that Armstrong did not go far enough in his confession of doping to give the cyclist the winner’s advantage. 

USA Today turned on Armstrong in a front page story yesterday where it proclaimed the view that “sorry just doesn’t cut it”.

For those who argue that Armstrong who battled through testicular cancer and did much good from the organization Livestrong, the issue is what is an apology?

A sincere expression of sorrow along with the will to right the wrong.

In fact, apologizing is dreaded by most people.

It should be the other way around.

Saying “I’m sorry” is a freeing thing.

It is being condemned to posture and defend a wrong and hurtful position that poisons the human spirit. 

So, if you haven’t found a reason to say the words “I’m sorry” today, you’re probably missing the opportunity to be really human.

And once we overcome the shame or embarrassment of being human, people gravitate to us and we feel better.

This is a good time to recall Marion Jones after her steroids case when she said:

“I recognize that by saying that I’m deeply sorry, it might not be enough and sufficient to address the pain and the hurt that I have caused you. Therefore, I want to ask for your forgiveness for my actions, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

Forget excuses. 

Learn to admit when you messed up and learn to relish the opportunity to admit it.

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“Tell me, what is your biggest fault?”

It’s designed to have job applicants turn against themselves.  But you can’t just ignore it.

The response that many people give is:  “I work too hard” – a perceived employer advantage that applicants hope will circumvent the trick question.

I advised my students at the University of Southern California who were looking to interview for their first post-collegiate job to show up prepared.

Here are some responses like these with which you feel most comfortable:

1. (Basic Approach) “I realize that everyone is fallible so I am sure I have the same tendencies other applicants might have.  But I learn from my mistakes and see even temporary shortcomings as long-term advantages”.  The interviewer will likely probe and you win when you are prepared to cite specific examples of fallibilities you have overcome.
2. (Strong Response) “I can be impatient.  I have often had to overcome my desire for immediate results with swift action”.  When asked what is that swift action, you have won the interview question if you answer, “I immediately go to PPP – purposeful positive progression to turn my lack of patience into an advantage”.  Be prepared to cite an example or two if you choose this response.  That lends credibility.
3. (Brave Response): “I can be intolerant of people who can’t work together as a team.  When this happens I try to channel my best human relations to guide my behavior and deal with theirs”.  Be ready to cite examples or this is no better than “I work too hard”.  And be prepared to show what exactly makes you skilled in human relations (courses, reading, specific life’s experience, etc). 

What interviewers really want to know by asking “What is your biggest fault?” is how do you handle not being the “perfect” candidate that you seem to be on this interview. 

Do not dump on yourself, but do not equivocate, either.  You’re out if you screw this question up.

So admit that you are like everyone else – not perfect – but attach a believable upside to your humanity with evidence.

Try these responses or consider similar ones of your own and perhaps you’ll get what most of my students received when they tried it – a follow-up interview or a job offer.

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One of my best friends passed away yesterday after a long battle with cancer.

His name is Wynn Etter. 

I met Wynn when he was sponsor for the Dale Carnegie Courses in Cherry Hill, NJ.  Over the years I met the most wonderful people through Wynn and was honored when he asked me to teach the Dale Carnegie Course.  I cannot imagine what my life would have been like for me without calling this man my friend.

The loss of a friend sometimes occurs when they are alive but not available for a relationship.  But in this case, Wynn was a mentor and an inspiration very much involved in my life.

When I did research for my book, he would pack up tons of motivational literature and ship it to me.  He was thanked in the book’s dedication.

He used to call me “Tiger” – an enthusiastic reminder to go after what I desired in life.

A positive man who as he endured chemotherapy never uttered a negative word even as his disease progressed. 

I have a fond memory of Wynn pulling up to tollbooths that linked southern New Jersey bridges to nearby Philadelphia and anonymously paying the toll for the car behind him.  The grateful recipient of his random kindness would step on it and pull next to his car at the top of the bridge and wave their thanks.

It’s hard to contemplate living without the benefit of people like Wynn.  But I have a consolation plan.

If I can take just one of his many good qualities and make it mine, he will live on through me.  And there is a long list to choose from.

There is a beginning, middle and end to life but the good qualities of friends can live on in their name through others.

“What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us”  – Helen Keller

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My friend Jed Duvall sent me a book recently that I can’t put down.  It’s called “Condemned To Repeat It”. 

The title is borrowed from that great George Santayana quote, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it”.

I have often wondered why nations, businesses, family, people continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.  These are smart people.  Smart companies.

What is the missing ingredient?

In a chapter on “The Only One Who Ever Beat Hannibal”, the authors (Wick Allison, Jeremy Adams and Gavin Hambly) remind us to “respect a talented opponent and study his methods”.

They cite the World War II confrontation between General George Patton and the German Erwin Rommel in the battle for North Africa.

Patton was ready for it. 

As Patton watched Rommel’s tanks change position for an assault against the Allied Forces, Patton was overheard saying “Rommel, you sonofabitch, I read your book!”

In our daily lives we should remember the author’s advice: 

“Your competitor can be your greatest teacher.  After all, he’s the only one interested in your business as you are.  Watch his strategies, monitor his mistakes, and copy his successes.”

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Not many years after Apple totally remade the smartphone business, millions are now suffering from smartphone addiction.

A recent NY Times article identified the international technology company Atos as phasing out all emails among employees by the end of this year requiring workers to find other means to communicate.

Daimler Benz employees can have emails deleted automatically during vacations so as not to flood their inboxes upon return.

A nationwide Pew survey of 2,254 adults cited in the article found that 44% of cellphone owners had slept with their phones next to the bed and 67% admitted to checking their phone even if it was not ringing or vibrating.

I wouldn’t give up my smartphone and I don’t imagine you would either.  But with small children now carrying phones and human discourse negatively impacted by distracted relationships, I’m interested in putting my digital device in its proper place.

1. Turning off a smartphone actually helps people stay refreshed.  There is no evidence that users who switch it off jeopardize their careers.  In fact, it’s the reverse.  Less overwhelmed, more refreshed.
2. Just because we can work from anywhere at any time doesn’t mean it is an advantage to do so.
3. Thinking and contemplating are two powerful career tools that are getting lost in digital addiction.  Rediscover them.
4. Establish digital hours.  Build in downtime.
5. Establish black out hours, you know, the kind that millions of people were forced to do when the Blackberry network goes down.  Work went on although anxiety ran high.

As I have shared with you in the past, my USC students went nuts when I made them give up their cellphones for two days, but they also admitted to liking it.

When life becomes more hectic because of a great tool like a smartphone, take steps to balance your analog and digital life. 

Don’t throw either away.

“Technology offers us a unique opportunity, though rarely welcome, to practice patience.” – Allan Lokos, Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living. 

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Nothing ruins a great job more than having to work with a “jerk”.

First, short of health issues emotionally or physical that may arise from this stress, there is no reason to let a difficult co-worker push you out of a great job.

A better plan, wait for them to self-destruct. 

It happens all the time, but unfortunately lots of good people leave careers they like just to get away from cynical, abusive, hurtful and undesirable people. 

The Harvard Business Review offers some advice:

1. Focus on your own reactions. “If there is someone who is annoying or abrasive, don’t think about how the person acts, think about how you react. It’s far more productive to focus on your own behavior because you can control it.”
2. Keep your distaste to yourself. Complaining can send a negative message about you and you might be perceived as “unprofessional or be labeled as the difficult one.” Communicate through a support network you trust – outside of work.  
3. Consider whether it’s you, not them.  “Start with the hypothesis that the person is doing things you don’t like but is a good person,” says Stanford Business School professor Robert Sutton to HBR. “It’s reasonable to assume you’re part of the problem…If everywhere you go there’s someone you hate, it’s a bad sign.”
4. Spend more time with the difficult co-worker.  Talk about taking bitter medicine! The idea is to try and build empathy.  However “If it’s someone who violates your sense of what’s moral, getting away [from him] isn’t a bad strategy,” says Sutton to HBR.
5. Give the person you hate feedback.  “It may be that what bothers you is something that regularly gets in her way as a professional,” says HBR. Stick to the behavior that person can control and describe how they impact you and your work together.

“Difficult People are your key to self empowerment, you need to learn how to cope with them, not let them dominate and affect you.” — Janice Davies

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I used to own a small card that I kept in my top desk drawer.  When I placed my thumb on it, I got a stress alert.

Red for lots of stress.  Green for cool.

Now I’ve discovered a new app from Huffington Post that instructs you to place your finger over the lens and flash of your iPhone to get an instant breaths-per-minute (BPM) reading.

In one minute, my breaths went down by 10 as I watched the face of my phone gather and display the information. The app is free and fun to try.  You can also attach stress reducers like music and pictures of loved ones to the app to help take the edge off.  You can get “GPS For the Soul” here.

Stress is the disrupter of all happiness.  A threat to our lives, well-being and relationships.  It’s worth fighting.

Whether it is an app, meditation or a walk, stress can be put in its proper place.

The key is mindfulness – being aware of the high price we pay for stress and the importance of interrupting that stress on a regular basis.  Also lifestyle changes, reassessments of values and goals and the greatest stress reducer of all – appreciation for that which we have and the people we have in our lives.

Lily Tomlin said, “For fast acting relief, try slowing down” and Ghandi said, “There is more to life than increasing its speed”.

But I love the Chinese Proverb that reminds us “”Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”

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Marriages cannot thrive or even survive without both sides agreeing to compromise.  Governments cannot get anything done and no matter what your politics both sides are to blame.

What is it with our growing unwillingness to let another person have “our” way?

Winning is seen as strength.

Giving away our power as a weakness.

It is the other way around.

I’m not talking about compromising on core values or ethics.  Nothing like that.  Just the willingness to say to another person, let’s meet half way.

Here’s a drill you can try.

For one day, focus on how many times you can empower another person in your life or career by meeting them half way.  Be cognizant of the reaction you get because it is going to be strong and positive.  In fact, you may like it so much that you keep looking for opportunities not to have everything all your way.

Washington isn’t the only thing that is  broken.  Society has placed more value on prevailing at all costs rather than compromising to win cooperation.

Polls show the country wants politicians to compromise and work together.

Ironically, the biggest tool for success in the future will be to have the ability to empower others not winning by doing all their thinking.

“If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing all the thinking” – Lyndon Johnson

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When I went to Temple University, Professor Lew Klein on parents night (no less) told my communications class and our parents that if we were not fired several times in our careers, we were not working in communications.

What a buzz kill.

What a bunch of disappointed parents.

What a gift.

The fact is no matter what career you pursue, seeking success comes with risks. 

And benefits.

If you’ve ever been fired or fear it, consider this:

1. Even at its worst, it is a gift.  A wakeup call.  A push, a nudge to dig deeper and ask what you want to do with your life and more importantly what you are willing to do to succeed.

2. The most important thing is to not allow yourself to be shamed by ignorant people.  Shame kills self-esteem.  Put a stop-loss on the shame that you may feel or others may foist upon you. 

3. When people are fired unjustly, it all rebounds back on the employer doing the firing.  After all, when an associate is dismissed, everyone else gets nervous.  Not a good place to be for the company.

4. Best of all, the world is populated by millions – that’s right, millions of people who turned the adversity of being fired into success.  You don’t have to look far to stay encouraged.  No need to sugar coat anything. You just have to look.

I wish for all of you continued success in your present line of employment, but should the day come when you’re forced to move on, consider it a gift.

Oh, and here are 15 rich and famous people who were fired before they became successful – take a look and reflect.

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Once I asked my students at USC if they’d like to know a way that they could do only 20% of the things they have to do in their lives and still get 80% productivity.

The room fell silent until one student, feeling sorry for the professor, said “If you want to”.

Multitasking distracts us and forces us to sacrifice the quality of our attention but people refuse to give it up in our fast paced digital world.

And it also never ends meaning you never run out of things to do simultaneously.

Recently, a group of researchers at the University of Washington studied the effects of meditation training on multitasking.  According to a New York Times article, they formed one group of human resource professionals to do the simultaneous planning they were accustomed to doing.  They were given 20 minutes to complete their tasks.

Then they were divided into three groups – one for an 8-week meditation course immediately, another group took it later not initially and the third took an 8-week course in body relaxation.

Then, back to the original 20-minute multitasking test.

According to the article, “The only participants to show improvement were those who had received mindfulness training.  Not only did they report fewer negative emotions at the end of the assignment, but their ability to concentrate improved significantly”.

Being in the “now” is beneficial in lots of ways to significantly improving the future.

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In the idyllic Victorian shore community of Spring Lake, NJ ten teenagers have stepped in front of a train – sometimes at the very same spot – and committed suicide since 2008.

The same train that took many of their parents to high powered and well-paid jobs in the bustle of New York City every day.

The most recent victim died in February of last year.  He wasn’t depressed although some of the victims were.  He was said to be a great student being raised by his father after his mother’s death from cancer.

Ten students dead.  Many in the same high school.

To be sure, in some cases there were extenuating circumstances, but the mystery of what would bring someone who seems to be happy to this early end of life remains a mystery.  Perhaps they weren’t heard.

Most times life goes on and people suffer in silence.  So how is it possible that we can miss problems this obvious?

We must become better at listening. 

We all want to be heard.  In a world packed with communications tools from phones to texting, the secret is to begin practicing the awesome power of listening.

Today.

“To say that a person feels listened to means a lot more than just their ideas get heard.  It’s a sign of respect.  It makes people feel valued”. – Deborah Tannen

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People complain a lot.

Me included. 

But a surefire way to change the things we complain about is to change the way we look at things. 

Motivational speaker Wayne Dyer says, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.”

Have you ever heard someone say, “I can’t complain, no one will listen” after you said, “how are things?”

Instead of complaining, do something about that which rankles you. 

Take an action step.  Plan a way around the problem.  If the thing that irritates you is major, chip away at it.  For example, if you hate your job, consider devoting your time and energy to a well thought out plan to find a new one.  Complaining will just leave you wallowing in the job you dislike. 

In a relationship that is going nowhere?

Less stewing, more doing.  Come up with a plan with action steps to make the situation better.

“Doing nothing gets you nothing.” — Sean Reichle 

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Flattery: “You look great”.

Meaningful compliment:  “It was thoughtful of you to help me with the project.  The research you did on effective sales techniques made all the difference”.

One of the most potent tools to inspiring, motivating and appreciating people is to pay them a compliment that sticks to their ribs.

Here’s the formula:

1. Recognize an outstanding quality in another
2. Make a simple one or two sentence statement
3. Then back it up with specific evidence to make the compliment memorable and meaningful.

Do it face to face if you want to see the great response you are going to get.  But the formula works on the telephone, email or Twitter.

Employees like it.  Employers love it because they rarely get meaningful appreciation.  Friends will value you more.  Children will boost their self-esteem as a result of hearing you appreciate them in this fashion.

Don’t get me wrong.  Flattery has its place.

But a compliment backed by specific evidence is a lasting gift.

“I will be generous with my love today. I will sprinkle compliments and uplifting words everywhere I go. I will do this knowing that my words are like seeds and when they fall on fertile soil, a reflection of those seeds will grow into something greater.”  — Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

If you want to change your life for the better in 2013, you don’t have do anything more than master the following four things.

The things that matter most in life.

All you need to do is say them as much as possible. 

Please Forgive Me

I Forgive You

Thank You

I love You

(From “The Four Things That Matter Most” by Ira Brock, M.D.)

Since this is a record year for self-gifting, how about giving any or all of these gifts to ourselves.

1. A pat on the back.  The one we rarely get but so deserve from others for all the good things we do all year long.  Better yet, create a long list of the things that deserve personal recognition and keep them handy on a mobile device or in a drawer for the next time a boost of confidence is needed.
2. Forgiveness.  As hard as we may try, we are not perfect.  It isn’t perfection that should drive our existence, it’s the pursuit of perfection.  In the meantime, let’s take a moment to forgive ourselves for being human.
3. Self-love.  Bluntly put, we cannot expect nor should we expect others to love us when we are unwilling to love ourselves.  Step one:  be grateful for the person we are.  Others will notice.
4. Persistence.  As I point out in my book, Ted Williams was the last player to hit over .400 for a single season baseball batting average.  That means he failed 60% of the time.  In this way, life is like the game of baseball.  It’s not about hitting it out of the park.  It’s about times at bat.

As Ted Williams said, “baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer”.

Give these gifts to yourself and you will simultaneously also be giving them to those around you.

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If you have a worry problem, do these three things:

1. Ask yourself “what is the worst that can possibly happen?”
2. Prepare to accept it, if you have to.
3. Then calmly proceed to improve on the worst.

That is Dale Carnegie’s advice.  I have seen no better in my life.

Yet, I am a lifetime worrywart.  I think I got it from my mother who was a professional worrier.

So how do you improve on the best advice ever to stop worrying?

Remember to use it.

It always works because 99% of the time that which we worry about never happens and in 1% of the cases, what we feared doesn’t happen the way we anticipated.

So a real commitment to putting worry in its place is to start each day reciting the three things that can help most.

Ben Franklin said, “Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen”.

A number of years ago, I found myself making Christmas Eve and Christmas Day phone calls to friends and family who had lost a loved one.

I didn’t realize exactly what I was doing but over the years I kept on doing it.

The phone rings and it’s me wishing people who feel emptiness at holiday time a happy day.  It doesn’t have to be someone you know real well.

Sometimes the calls last longer than either one of us expect.

And they are upbeat because even when the loss of a loved one is mentioned, a few consoling words seems appropriate.

The conversation is easy.

Just ask questions and you’ll get plenty of answers.  What have you been doing? How is the family?  And drill down to ask about others.

If it is the first year alone, the recipient is usually surprised to receive such a call but always pleased.

Then just add them to the list for subsequent years as they look forward to the joy of catching up as much as you will knowing the real precious gift you are giving – the gift of your time.

Try it this season.  

“No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.”  — Red Skelton

Just because people are quiet, doesn’t mean that they don’t have something to say.

And being talkative doesn’t mean you do.

One of the most advanced and potent human relations skills is to listen to the other side of silence.

That which is not said, but can be valuable if we listen for it in others.

Even when a person outwardly expresses a feeling, it doesn’t mean that it is their true feeling.  We humans often say things that are opposite of what we think or feel.

I have seen marriage counselors who sit between warring partners trying to get them to express what is on their minds directly to each other and then they are asked to recite those feelings back. 

Amazingly, it’s not easy even to communicate even when the two people try to listen to what is being said with the help of a psychologist.

Listening to the other side of silence requires a sensitivity for the whole of another person without prejudgment.

The ability to put in perspective what others say for it may be what they think we want to hear.  (We all do it).

Gathering information without making an immediate assessment of the person or situation is critical to effective communication.

Ironically we live in a fast paced world with more communication devices, social networking and opportunities to express ourselves and yet, the truly skillful communicator knows to cultivate a respect for that which is not said.

“I’ve begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own.” – Chaim Potok, The Chosen

The words that come to mind are …

Compassion — An outpouring of love shown to families and survivors of the shooting locally, nationally and worldwide.

Gratitude for those whose lives were spared and for our children whom we embrace even tighter today because it could have happened anywhere.

Bravery — The courage of those who were the heroes some of whom lost their lives protecting innocent children from death.

Appreciation for how first responders fought through their tears while they did the toughest job in the world. 

Thankfulness that as grotesque as they are, senseless mass shootings are relatively uncommon even though several major incidents in the U.S. every year claim precious lives.

Brotherhood and sisterhood with others in harm’s way around the world who are also the victims of rage and murder – from war zones to school buses in the Middle East where children are targeted because of their political views.

The words I search for …

Why?

Now What?

The Dalai Lama reminds us of a saying in Tibetan: “Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength”.

From strength comes ultimate acceptance although things will never again be the same for the families and town of Newtown, CT.

“The shattering of a heart when being broken is the loudest quiet ever” – Carroll Bryant