Who makes it safely off a sinking ship first?  Women and Children?

In a 2011 Swedish study crew members of ships in trouble were very helpful – to themselves.  As the New York Times reported: “Compared with passengers, they were 18.7 percent more likely to survive, the researchers found. Children fared worst: Of 621 on the ships, only 95, or 15.3 percent, lived on.”

It gets worse, there’s no evidence that the captain goes down with the ship suggesting that even where trust is strong, in the end our lives are in our own hands.

This is the point of resilience – Resilience isn’t assuming the worst in people — it’s refusing to assume they’ll save you.

Oprah says “You are responsible for your own life. If you’re sitting around waiting on someone to save you, fix you, even heal you — you’re wasting your time.”

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Apple founder Steve Jobs was fond of saying don’t live someone else’s life.  Don’t let other people’s expectations, rules, or fears decide how you live.

In his 2005 Stanford commencement speech, Jobs said “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.”

Don’t chose to remain in a career or job because of someone else’s expectations.

Don’t follow a path just because it’s safe or approved.

Don’t measure your success by someone else’s scoreboard when the real secret is to measure success by comparing it to you.

Jobs was warning that it’s easy to wake up one day and realize you’ve been performing a role instead of living a life — checking boxes that belong to parents, bosses, society, or peers.  Life is too short to be a stand-in for someone else’s script.

Jobs’ exact words resonate loudly in a world where people are burdened to live in the fast lane.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.”

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New Jersey became the latest state to outlaw phones in the classroom from bell-to-bell. Mom, dads and schools have figured out a way to help their young ones focus on learning.

In my college classroom, we’ve been screen-free for many years – and I always say I don’t really know what attention deficit looks like because no matter what the condition, students can concentrate on being present (that is if I don’t throw a PowerPoint up on a screen).

Helping people separate from texting in the back of the classroom is not a punishment. I can’t tell you the number of students who, in front of classmates, thank the professor for asking them to turn their devices off.

In fact, I only have to say it once – in the first class.  No need to mention it again.

Phones aren’t just a student problem, they’re a human one choosing engagement over noise.

Author Jenny Odell says “In a world that profits from your distraction, paying attention is a radical act.”

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If you’re feeling foggy after the recent two-week holiday period, there are actually brain exercises to sharpen up.

• Do simple daily tasks with your “wrong” hand. Things like brushing your teeth with your non-dominant hand forces your brain to actively solve the problem, waking it up from autopilot mode.
• Make small changes to your physical space.  Simply switching the side of the bed you sleep on or moving a few items on a shelf forces your brain’s internal “GPS” to create a new map and stop feeling stuck.
• Play a quick color or word mix-up game.  Look for a color word (like “Red”) printed in a different color ink, or name what an object is not. This creates a fun mental conflict that sharpens your focus.

“The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled” — Plutarch, biographer and essayist.

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I was painfully shy growing up in the suburbs of Pennsylvania so much so my teachers told my parents that they should put me into a theater group.  I hated it.

But I loved radio and loved music practicing being a dj in my room using a tape recorder I bought from mowing lawns.

Radio allowed me to overcome my overt shyness, but some of it remains and I’m appreciating that as well.

When my college students exhibit signs of shyness, this professor welcomes it.

What was thought to be an insurmountable obstacle turned out to be the stimulus to overcome a perceived disadvantage.

Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking notes “There’s zero correlation between being the best talker and having the best ideas.”

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Nothing hurts more or more deeply than self-doubt.

When the simple belief that we can do it is attacked by all the reasons we can’t.

It’s one thing for other people to doubt.

It’s fatal to happiness when we doubt ourselves.

Nothing worth doing is worth doubting.

Don’t look elsewhere for the belief in yourself.

If you don’t have it, they won’t have it for you.

Assume a virtue if you have it not as Shakespeare said.

Pass it on

“If we only wanted to be happy, it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, which is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are.” —   Charles de Montesquieu, writer/philosopher

We humans are sure competitive – happiness alone is not enough, we want to be happier than others.  True happiness is simple, but our constant comparison to others—who we imagine are happier than they really are—makes it nearly impossible. This is what I tell my young NYU college students:  measure your happiness only against your yesterday, not against anyone else’s today.

We’ll be off until the new year. Cheryl and I send you every wish for happiness!

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SPOILER ALERT:  I’m going to brag about my music business students.

I very recently had BMG Records VP JoJamie Hahr visit with them to discuss the industry, careers, pitfalls – the worry about AI artists replacing humans, you know – a great list of topics that they researched and questioned her on.

But what was different was at the end, each one (there were 25 present) told her why what she said that resonated with them and cited specific evidence so as to avoid mere flattery. The speaker has been a guest in prior classes but she whispered to me under her breath “this is my favorite part”.

Parents often get a bad rap, but they must be doing something right.  Giving unsolicited praise backed up by evidence is the most powerful and memorable “thank you” anyone can get and these young folks delivered.

Legendary NFL coach Bill Walsh used to say “Nothing is more effective than sincere, accurate praise, and nothing is more lame than a cookie-cutter compliment.”

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I have several friends currently fighting cancer and it is such an inspiration.  Their positivity. Their gratitude. And hope.  I am feeling a gift from each of them.  I’ll give you an example:  one person is in Chicago and spending his time counseling other people – he says the more he thinks about them, the less he worries about himself.  His resolve seems to increase with his ability to focus on others in the present.  Resuming life’s tasks is another inspiration I have been fortunate to witness.

Studies on post-traumatic growth show survivors often report deeper appreciation for life, stronger relationships, and a clearer sense of purpose—sometimes rating their overall well-being higher than before diagnosis.

It’s not that the threat vanishes; it’s that priorities crystallize. Everyday moments gain weight. Gratitude isn’t forced—it’s earned through recalibration. “Enjoy every day without worrying about the next.”

Or as Stanford’s Cancer Supportive Care puts it “The threat of death often renews our appreciation of the importance of life.”

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As a dj and radio program director, it always impressed me how spending 3 to 5 hours alone in a studio with no windows and too small for a mousetrap could make audiences feel like they’re not alone.

Today most radio stations do all or the majority of their programming with voice tracks very often piped in digitally from out of their locale.  Maybe it’s why radio listening is declining among all age groups. I knew a talk show host who did his show lying down on his back – he didn’t have a bad back but a good way to focus on each individual.

So, I’m thinking being alone in a physical location does not mean that you cannot connect with others – the modern version is Zoom or FaceTime.  But the technology is not as important as the frame of mind.

It’s not the physical presence that creates connection — it’s the intentional attention to an audience (even of one), something automation and detachment cannot.

Master communicator Walter Cronkite with audiences in the millions put it like this:  “You don’t talk to a mass audience. You talk to one person at a time.”

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