Often unmentioned is the stress we carry around that other people give to us – not to be hurtful but because they are hurting and they need us to listen.

Compulsive complaining and hopeless talking can drag us down with those we care about.  That’s why putting a stop/loss on negative talk is important.

Listening and absorbing are not the same thing.

You can be compassionate without becoming a storage locker for someone else’s anxiety. Being there for people we care about doesn’t require carrying their burdens as our own. We can listen, support and encourage without absorbing every worry, complaint or fear. The healthiest relationships involve empathy with boundaries.

Otherwise, we risk becoming emotionally exhausted trying to solve problems that aren’t ours to solve. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for ourselves — and even for others — is to gently redirect endless complaining toward solutions, action or acceptance.

The goal is to avoid turning their stress into your stress.

The more we hear a hopeless narrative, the more likely we are to adopt it ourselves. That’s why protecting our mental environment isn’t selfish — it’s necessary.

Louise Hay authored You Can Heal Your Life in 1984 with wisdom that still rings true today:  “You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

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We talk to ourselves in ways we would never talk to someone we love.

Being kind to ourselves is so important but it’s often easier to focus on being kind to others.  To be kind to others, we must be kinder to ourselves first.  The most important relationship you have in life is the one you have with yourself.

I’ve been around enough college students to know how important it is to them to be nice to the ones they care for the most.  Often, they neglect themselves.

Many of us have an inner voice that is harsher than any critic we will ever encounter. We readily forgive mistakes in friends, encourage them when they struggle and remind them of their strengths when they lose confidence. Then we turn around and deny ourselves the same grace.

Real self-kindness isn’t self-indulgence or lowering standards — it’s treating ourselves with the same patience, understanding and encouragement we so willingly offer to others.

Kristin Neff is one of the world’s leading researchers on self-compassion:

“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend”.

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Gardeners know that their flowers and veggies grow best when they are cared for, fed and basking in the sunshine.  Actually, we humans are no different.  But the source of life and nourishment for us comes from the people around us – not distant phone connections, but the ones we can see and hear in person.

We all have these types of people in our lives who nourish us and help us to reach our goals and that’s the message – just as nature nurtures, real live people shine into our lives.  The secret is to let them in.  Spend more time with them.  Downplay bad influences where possible because while we may not have control over that which happens in our life, we can control who we let in to inspire, support and  help us grow.

People around us don’t just influence our happiness — they shape our habits, expectations and even our view of what is possible. We tend to become more like the people we spend the most time with.  Optimistic, resilient and supportive people can elevate our thinking and behavior while chronic negativity, cynicism and discouragement can quietly limit our growth.  Just as a garden reflects the quality of its environment, our lives often reflect the quality of the relationships we choose to cultivate. The people we let closest to us don’t merely accompany our journey — they help determine its direction.

“Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher.“ — Oprah Winfrey

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Our minds have three ways to make us unhappy according to the Mayo Clinic Guide on Street-free Living.

Addiction to unhealthy behaviors.

Discounting present success also known as (the negativity bias) where we automatically ignore or downplay what we do well and not give ourselves due credit.

And, seeking pleasure in a future moment — pushing joy away to a later day that too often never comes.

In other words, our brains are naturally wired to sabotage our current peace of mind.

Instead of letting us enjoy the present, the mind defaults to automatic patterns: it seeks quick, unhealthy dopamine hits to cope with discomfort (addiction), focuses heavily on what is going wrong while completely ignoring what is going right (negativity bias), and tricks us into believing that happiness is a finish line we will only cross once we achieve the next goal.

As Mayo Clinic doctor Amit Sood says “In our effort to improve the present moment, we fail to appreciate how good it already is.”

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We become like the people we are around.

If they convey their anxiety to you, it becomes yours, too.

Negative people have a way of showing us the wrong way to look at things and positive joyful people make us feel good even before we say a word.

Being able to communicate by text, email or social media tends to deprive us of being alive around others – that needs to be done in person.  My students in end of semester surveys are grateful that they were asked to put their phones away and focus on being in a classroom with others.

Just as a plant or tree seeks the sun to grow, we should seek surrounding ourselves with  positive people who help us feel alive.

Sometimes we are born into families that are not ideal or we’re in a chosen relationship with someone who saps us of our joy for living.

Like the tree, seek out people who help you grow.

I love this Jim Rohn quote:  “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

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You have already survived 100% of your worst days.

Every disappointment, setback, loss, embarrassment, failure, heartbreak, health scare, and difficult season you’ve faced brought you to this moment.

Viktor Frankl writing from a Nazi concentration camp said “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.”

In other words, your track record for getting through difficult times is perfect.

Not because you’ve never been hurt. Not because you never struggled. Not because you always handled things well.

Because you kept going.

You don’t have to know how everything will work out. You only have to believe that you’ve overcome hard things before—and that you’re capable of doing it again.

As Frankl reminds us “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

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The BMG record label EVP Recorded Music exec JoJamie Hahr didn’t get to the top of her trade by waiting for opportunity to come to her – she relentlessly pursued her goals.

She told a classroom of my NYU music business students that in one case, she kept sending ideas to the person she wanted to hire her – that’s the difference between chasing after opportunities or willing them to happen.  Of course, you know – how could anyone resist that.  She got that job and was on the way to what eventually would be her dream job in the record industry.

There’s a difference between looking for opportunities and creating them.  We all have the ability to succeed and the secret is never, ever stop trying to get what you want.

“Opportunities don’t happen. You create them.” — Chris Grosser

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Travis Langan, an off-duty FDNY firefighter and former U.S. Marine, was driving home last week when powerful floodwaters overwhelmed parts of the Jackie Robinson Parkway. He spotted several cars nearly underwater and immediately pulled over.

One of those drivers was elementary school principal Carmen Pinto, whose Tesla had stopped working as floodwaters rapidly filled the vehicle. She tried to open the doors, roll down the windows, call 911 — nothing worked. The water kept rising.

Langan saw her face pressed against the sunroof and started punching through it with his bare fists. He grabbed a Yeti cup Pinto handed him, smashed through the remaining glass, and pulled her out alive.

On Friday, the pair reunited at FDNY headquarters, where Langan was honored by NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani and FDNY Commissioner Lillian Bonsignore.

Pinto was emotional. She noted that Langan had a pregnant wife and daughters waiting for him at home.

Heros are everywhere independent of politics, race or gender which lifts us all up.

“If it were my family, I hope someone would do the same.” — Travis Langan

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I saw an article the other day that basically said don’t even try being happy and there is, in a way, a lot of evidence that this sentiment has something to it.

Harold Kushner wrote in his book When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough: “Happiness is a butterfly—the more you chase it, the more it flies away from you and hides. But stop chasing it, put away your net and busy yourself with other, more productive things than the pursuit of personal happiness, and it will sneak up upon you from behind and perch on your shoulder….”

The brain doesn’t do happiness.  It keeps us safe.  Micropractices train the brain to make us happy while we engage in other pursuits.

“The happiest people I know are people who don’t even think about being happy. They just think about being good neighbors, good people. And then happiness sort of sneaks in the back window while they are busy doing good.” 

Thanks for sharing DayStarters

I asked my music industry mental health class to work with me on a drill – think about the worst thing you could say about your best friend (believe me, they hated this, but stay with me).  I asked for volunteers to share the insults – and a few brave souls started.  But these “insults” were tame.  So, I asked them to dig deeper.  A few more volunteers piped up.  When we were done, I suggested that it is so hard to insult someone you like, love or respect but why is it so easy for us to come down so hard on ourselves.

Then I asked for bulletproof statements:  tell me something about you that no one could challenge and we filled the room with positivity that lifted all of us.  I got answers like “I’m dependable”, “I care”, “I’m a great listener”.

It’s easy but not helpful to be our worst critic – a little more love for ourselves and some grace could change the way we feel.

As Brené Brown puts it “Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.”

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