Ironically, the skills that often help people succeed in their careers, do the exact opposite in their personal relationships.

Being goal-oriented, always in control, relentlessly uncompromising can be an impediment.

Perhaps that’s why some of the most powerful and successful business executives are not as successful in their marriages and relationships.

Relationship skills that matter are the ability to compromise, letting others get their way and the credit, encouraging them to lead and you follow as well as the ability to give away the power you have to enable others to feel strong.

Businesses succeed on the strength to persevere and win.

Personal relationships often do better when power is shared, even given away for a consensus compromise.

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I asked my NYU students in our ‘mental health for musicians’ class to write down on a 3×5 card what they think are their 3 biggest problems.

First, I need to give them pencils because they often don’t have them.

Fascinating that it sometimes takes a long time for them to write the 3 problems down because they worry about so many things – just like the rest of us.

By focusing on the biggest causes of anxiety, they see (sometimes for the first time) the real roadblocks to happiness.

Worth a try today?

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20% of adults admit to being chronic procrastinators – back in the 1970’s it was only 5%.

They admit to spending an average of 2 hours and 25 minutes per day procrastinating and over 55 days per year.

If you want to try something to ignite your abilities faster, here’s a plan:

• The 2-minute rule: If you can do an action in two minutes or less, tackle it at the moment without delay, without burdening your to-do list – just wipe it out.

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If someone else insists on being critical of you today, let them do it all alone.

Buying into or believing negative thoughts that come from others is self-sabotage – we don’t give people like that this kind of help.

When people do (or don’t do) things that block their success or prevent them from accomplishing their goals, it’s self-sabotage.

Today’s goal — become aware and don’t become part of it.

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I love this from Oprah Winfrey:

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough”.

And being driven by what you think you want may come up short because when you get it, it won’t be long before you want something else.

The trick is really appreciate what you have now, this moment.

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Remember that diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.

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The head and heart often get mistakenly assigned to the wrong task.

• Think with your head
• Feel with your heart
• Not the reverse

“The heart is forever making the head its fool” — François de la Rochefoucauld.

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Adversity can actually strengthen friendships as George Washington pointed out:

• “True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation”.

• We earn the right to be a friend – friendship is not just a feeling – a good or great feeling – it is much more. 

• I love this definition of a true friend: “Your friend is the man (person) who knows all about you, and still likes you.” (Elbert Hubbard)

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“I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.”

— Frank Herbert

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Just because people are quiet, doesn’t mean that they don’t have something to say.

And being talkative doesn’t mean you do.

• One of the most advanced and potent human relations skills is to listen to the other side of silence.
• That which is not said, but can be valuable if we listen for it in others.
• Listening to the other side of silence requires a sensitivity for the whole of another person without prejudgment.
• Being seen and heard does not just apply to expressing ourselves, it’s about establishing a healthy line of communication.

“I’ve begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own.” – Chaim Potok, The Chosen

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My neighbor died suddenly recently – she was 50 years old, a husband, two children – one week away from starting college – it all makes no sense and is hard to comprehend.

• The Dalai Lama reminds us of a saying in Tibetan: “Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength”. From strength comes acceptance.
• “The shattering of a heart when being broken is the loudest quiet ever” – Carroll Bryant.

• For survivors, help – Keeping a person alive in our memories requires no more than taking the thing we admire most and spending a lifetime living it.

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I had a student tell her classmates that she was more than willing to forgive a friend who hurt her after she got back at her!

• Hey, forgiveness is not for them, it’s for you – By letting go, you are able to avoid becoming the person you don’t like.
• But there are limits – people who abuse are better left out, no need going there.
• Forgiving is not forgetting so by letting go of the anger, you are not disregarding the problem but letting it go.

In the end, all of us have control over the person we want to be and while forgiving sounds magnanimous, it is self-preserving so that we stay on track to be the person we want to be.

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One of my students favorite assignments is when I ask them to write a paper and give themselves a pat on the back.

• It’s easy until this happens – They can easily write what they are proud of doing but can’t resist criticizing themselves before they are done (which is not the assignment).
• Getting rid of the guilt – Just being able to say they did something well seems to come with guilt which is of no benefit to anyone.
• The magic is to own the compliment without detriment and believing it.

Let’s face it we are competent – sometimes awesome – and recognizing that without limits is the lesson we should be teaching ourselves for that which we have earned.

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The greatest baseball player of all time – Ted Williams, the only person to have a season’s batting average of over .400 said a wise thing worth remembering.

“Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer”.

• Redefine success – That suggests that we might be better off to define what success really is before getting started.
• Not reaching perfect isn’t failure – No one, not even Ted Williams, bats 1.000 and that’s ok – in baseball, a player hitting .250 can be a multi-millionaire with a long career.

Lift the burden off your back and shoot for perfection but judge success by a more realistic standard.

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Sports fans cringe when their teams suddenly stop winning with a passion and losing with apparent abandon.

• Slumps are normal – Everyone goes through them, so why do they get out of hand and give the feeling you’ll never win again – you don’t have to be an athlete to experience this.
• Pressing makes things worse – In sports the bat sticks to your hands, you grip the hockey stick too tight – it’s the opposite of just playing your best.
• The answer – Firing the coach sometimes works in sports to release the pressure but the rest of us can’t fire ourselves so refocusing on how good we are when we are simply ourselves is a way out.
• It’s usually all in our heads – Just like when we’re on a winning streak and everything seems to go our way.  Patience, positive self-talk and times at bat can bring us back to excellence.

There is a new study that suggests music may hold the key to staving off cognitive decline.

• Older is younger – Older adults performed just as well as young people.
• Listening was enough – Former music training had only a marginal impact on the findings.
• Music keeps us young – Music either by attending live events, playing an instrument or simply listening appears to be the way we have been searching for to keep our minds sharp.

If you want to change your life for the better before the year is out, you don’t have do anything more than master the following four things:

• Please Forgive Me
• I Forgive You
• Thank You
• I love You

For more:  “The Four Things That Matter Most” by Ira Byock, M.D.

“To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan, and not quite enough time”Leonard Bernstein

NOTE:  Cheryl and I are going to take a few days off to recharge our batteries before NYU resumes in-person classes again in a few weeks and the media industry revs up to end a challenging year.  This seems like a good time.  A good time to catch up on some stories you may have missed.   See you in a few days — Monday August 26.

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As a former radio program director, I still see the world as one giant radio station.

Instead of only posting your next big moment on social media, consider putting into rotation as one of your greatest hits of all time.

Those moments are worth rotating over and over.

Some are even worth rotating more often than others.

And, as in music radio, play the things that make you happy in life.

I’m fond of a record industry saying:  if it’s in the grooves, it’s a hit.

Replay yours often.

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Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.

It doesn’t always mean reconciliation.

You’re not doing it for the other person.

Forgiving is necessary for all healing starting with you.

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