A young relative of two Boston Marathon bombing victims nearly brought me to tears when I heard her interviewed on the BCC World Service the other day.

Mature, kind, composed and grateful just begins to sum up her comportment.

She said that her sisters, one of whom lost both legs and the other riddled with shrapnel were doing fine.  The one lit up when the man who helped her after the explosion visited her at the hospital she was in.  The victim now considers this person – a previous stranger – one of the family for life.

Several other people who came to their aid asked not to be identified.  They were not seeking publicity or praise. 

And so the stories go – the good ones, the ones about random acts of kindness, bravery and compassion right in the middle of this premeditated act of terror.

Terrorist attacks and senseless killings rightly bring the focus to evil people in a world that makes us feel in peril.

But goodness is already superseding evil.

Healing begins when we focus on how good people can be without being asked when they are needed.

It is a triumph of hope over fear.

Good over evil.

Fred Rogers who played Mister Rogers on the PBS children’s show Mister Roger’s Neighborhood had just the right thought:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping’”.

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The winner of last weekend’s Master’s Golf Tournament, Adam Scott, came through under pressure to win the title, the green jacket and vault Australia into the winners column at the event for the first time.

But that’s not the way it was less than a year ago for Scott at July’s British Open where he choked miserably at the end.

Some great people somehow manage to let pressure get to them.  Fellow countryman Greg Norman blew a six-strike lead in 1996 at the Masters.

What we learn is that losing helps our resolve. 

Helps make us rehearse in our minds how we will deal with pressure the next time it confronts us.

In our daily lives, stress is a major factor.  When the stakes are high, stress is greater.

In a post-match interview, the young Scott said that with the weather turning bad and the opportunity that his playoff partner had given him it was time to just go out there and get it done.

That’s it.

When pressure envelops us, go out there and get it done.

“There is a lot of pressure put on me, but I don’t put a lot of pressure on myself. I feel if I play my game, it will take care of itself” – LeBron James

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A friend of mine recently shared a childhood story that resonated loud and clear.

She recalled fond memories of sitting around her family’s Kansas City dinner table and hearing her father ask the same question every day: 

“What’s the best thing that happened to you today?”

Dad wouldn’t accept, “I made it through the day” as an answer or the stock reply “nothing”.

Something more meaningful was required – more specificity.

The children were being positively programmed to see good routinely no matter what else life was offering on its menu that day.

Increasingly families don’t eat dinner together and when they do they don’t enforce the “no digital devices” rule.  Eat, talk and build your self-esteem.

Gratitude is like penicillin.  It cures most everything and unlike penicillin, no one is allergic to gratitude.

So, for one day only – try this.

Ask those you care about, “What’s the best thing that happened to you today?”  And don’t grade it, make fun of it or dismiss it because you are saving a lot of money on psychologist bills.

And while you’re at, for one day only, ask yourself the same question.

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” – Eckhart Tolle

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It’s hard to find a person who doesn’t want to improve – to make real changes in their lives.

It’s also hard to find many who have a plan for effecting that change.

That’s because change is difficult.  It requires an understanding of the problem or situation and a game plan to respond.

But often that is the easy part, believe it or not.

The hard part is sticking to the plan.

Change never happens overnight.  Sometimes you have to work hard to nudge things just a very little.  Folks get discouraged and frequently give up.

Significant change comes when you succeed as little as 10% of the time.

You’re ability to live in the present, for example, is improved greatly if you fail at 90% of the things you’re trying, but succeed at only 10%.

Same is true in sports.

Your golf game gets better not when you hit the ball like The Masters champion but when you hit the ball 10% better than you used to.

So, try the 10% rule and stick with it.

Oh, one more thing.

It’s really hard to know what exactly 10% better is so be prepared for much more then start by setting a realistic goal.

“When you’re trying to motivate yourself, appreciate the fact that you’re even thinking about making a change.  And as you move forward, allow yourself to be good enough” – Alice Domar

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While speaking to a class of college students, one young man who coveted a career as a musician, asked me “When is it time to give up on your dream?”.

Apparently his father, a college math professor, wanted him to have a career with a more substantial and predictable income stream.  A valid thought for a parent, for sure.

However my answer was: never stop chasing your dream.

But, he replied, “How do I make a living?”

I cautioned not to confuse making a living with following your dream.  Sometimes they are the same.  Sometimes they are not.

As long as we live on this earth and have the ability, why would we knowingly decide to throw our hands up and stop going after that which ignited our passions.

No employer, no mate, no friend, no enemy has the right to prevent us from chasing our dreams. 

Because today’s dreams are tomorrow’s accomplishments.

Dreams help enhance our self-esteem.

And perhaps more importantly, our dreams today lead us on the next great adventure tomorrow.

Say it – display it – embrace it.

“You have to speak your dream out loud” – Kelly Corrigan

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If you watched any of golf’s Masters Championship recently, perhaps what occurred to me occurred to you.

How awful it must feel to work so hard to compete in this major event and lose.

The same feeling emerges when a politician we support loses an election, when we fail to get the promotion we have worked so hard to get and so on.

Dealing with disappointment is major because we are disappointed so much.

No one plays to lose, but too few of us play to win because we played.

Participating in The Masters — check off, well done.

Running an election campaign – check success.

Working hard for a promotion that eludes us – chalk one up for being a hard worker who will soon not be denied.

The problem with losing is that we make it worse in our minds than it really is.  Not everyone can win a golf tournament.  Only one person may.

Where did we get the idea that we have the right to be disappointed for more than 24 hours and that’s the special rule I want to share with you this morning.

I allow myself 24 hours to be human and be disappointed – to sleep it off and start over again the next day.

Then resurrect all the good things we’ve done short of getting all that we wanted.

It’s true that to win tomorrow we have to lose today – and build our self-esteem rather than diminish it.

“Anytime you suffer a setback or disappointment, put your head down and plow ahead” – Les Brown.

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The movie critic Roger Ebert was being remembered last week when he died for all that he accomplished in journalism, television, speaking and digital media.

Ebert embraced the computer as his ability to speak was compromised by cancer that left him with the removal of his chin.

Beyond battling all that, what touched me that I want to share with you this morning is two lessons in living that are invaluable.

When he criticized the film “Brown Bunny” at the Cannes Film festival, the movie’s director skewered Ebert in return in vulgar terms.  But when Ebert saw a recut of the film, he praised the film.

Lesson one:  be gracious enough to offer praise and honest appreciation even in light of bad blood that may have developed between you and others.

Then when Ebert trashed “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”, he later admitted that star Rob Schneider had sent him get well flowers and a card upon learning of his illness.

Roger said, “although Rob Schneider might in my opinion have made a bad movie, he is not a bad man, and no doubt tried to make a wonderful movie and hopes to try again.”

Lesson two:  see good in others even when you may be critical of them.

The best way to remember someone who has passed away that left a heritage of some sort is to give renewed life to their good traits and let the departed live on through us.

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When adversity hits us or someone close to us, it is human to say “Why me?”.

In 1987 when famed Mouseketeer Annette Funicello, who died recently, found out that she had multiple sclerosis she saw the illness as a calling to help raise money to fight the disease.  She raised millions through her fame and misfortune by establishing the Annette Funicello Fund for Neurological Diseases.

But it doesn’t take starting a fund to work through adversity.

Women with breast cancer often volunteer their services to help others affected by the disease.  I know of one woman who for years made wigs for breast cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy.

Disease, accidents and misfortune are not on our wish list for sure but often adopting a “can-do” attitude about fighting back not only helps the patient but those around them as well.

It gives life a more defined meaning and a healthy perspective when dealing with misfortune.

“Cancer didn’t bring me to my knees, it brought me to my feet.” 
~ Michael Douglas

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One of the best things about constant contact with others on our mobile devices is that we can easily converse with more people and faster than ever before.

One of the worst things is that we can easily converse with more people and faster than ever before.

We seem to know what to do with spam and unwanted email.  There are programs that will shut these things down.  After all, email looks more and more like junk mail – the kind the postal service delivers.

But when it comes to work, our friends, family and new family (Facebook friends and virtual buddies), email is becoming a drain as well as a pain.

Some ideas I’ve adopted seem to help:

1. Everyone who takes the time to write to me gets a timely response – and happily because as you’ll see prioritizing email responses allows for better, more meaningful communication.
2. In an age of Twitter and texting, aim for short responses that are as succinct and meaningful as the best tweets.  It works for email.
3. Manage digital communications with you in control.  That is, a phone call is a tool for talking to some people, as texting is a way to reach others.  There are many tools that add up to communication.
4. If someone invests a lot of time to write a long email, invest a lot of time to return a meaningful (not necessarily long) response.

Life is stressful and constant contact makes us more stressful.

See these things as tools and not burdens.

You didn’t have to answer the phone 10 years ago and you don’t have to communicate with anyone that isn’t worth a thoughtful succinct response.

Email is becoming outdated because texting and Twitter are tools that many find more useful.  Whatever works, reduce social stress by taking charge of your digital life and using the tools that we all share more effectively.

“I don’t believe in email.  I’m an old-fashioned girl.  I prefer calling and hanging up” – Sarah Jessica Parker

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For many of us our daily routine is a stressful reminder that we often juggle responsibilities, work hard to pay the bills, deal with rising expenses and handle family and relationship problems that often sap our energy and optimism.

William James said, “The greatest use of a life is to spend it on something that will outlast it”.

What a great sentiment.

To be thought of for something worthwhile.

It can relate to our families, our careers, relationships and civic pursuits.  Often we’re motivated but life gets in the way.

Turn it around today.

Along with the necessities of life, make a one sentence vow that includes how you want to be thought of – what you’d like to contribute.  To not have this important sentences on your smartphone or a piece of paper is like driving without a roadmap.

One sentence.

I want to be thought of as a great friend.  Or a helper of those less fortunate.  Or a motivator.  A mother.  A dad.  A person who inspires others at work.  You get the idea.

Why live life another day without this simple roadmap to happiness and it starts with a sentence that keeps you on target even when daily living takes us places we don’t want to go.

“To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.”  — Leonard Bernstein

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Some think it is luck.

Some say successful people have a drive that is so strong that they are willing to roll over anybody or anything to get what they want.

Sorry to disappoint, but most successful people in this world whether that is measured by money or the happiness from personal achievement know that the unspoken secret of success is exceeding expectations.

A 23-year old at their first real job can rise up fast if they exceed – not just meet – the expectations of those who hired them.

But it’s not just how much you make or what others think, it’s about personal satisfaction and accomplishment.  A person may make an average salary but have an above average life because they exceed their own expectations and that of those around them.

I know many teachers in this category.  You may be able to think of others.

And the best way to exceed expectations and become successful is to try harder.

One of my favorite chapters in my book is about The Ted Williams Principle – the baseball great who was the last person to hit for a batting average of over .400 in a single season.

His manager was ready to let him sit out the last game of the season to guarantee that he’d make the grade.  Had Williams gone hitless that day, it would have driven his batting average for the year down to under .400.

William refused to stay out of the lineup and played that day – getting additional hits to solidify his modern day record of .406.

So to exceed expectations personally and those of others, bat 1.000 trying harder.

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The things that we imagine in life are often worse than what is stressing us out.

Scientists know that whatever we imagine our brains already experience as if it has happened.

Imagine you’re going to get fired and even if you don’t, the brain has already processed it as the stress of being fired.

Fear a lost relationship?

Done deal as far as the brain is concerned.

There is no arguing that there are many, many things that can reduce stress in our lives from massages to medication, but one powerful way to get stress under control is to realize that what we fear – what stresses us out – will most likely never happen (or won’t happen with the severity we fear).

But the baggage it leaves behind hurts more than what actually happens.

The researcher Amit Sood refers us to the wisdom of Mark Twain who said:  “I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened”.

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Now that Tiger Woods is back on top and back in love, Nike, the company that stuck with him through his self-induced infidelity meltdown, is doubling down with an edge.

Nike’s new social media ad features a quote that says: “Winning takes care of everything” along side a picture of Woods sizing up a putt.  Woods is fond of saying that exact phrase.

But there has been somewhat of an uproar over the attitude of this ad as a poor example to children for winning at all costs.  And that disregarding morals seems to be legitimate if in the end you win.

Nike likes to do these types of ads and taken in that context you can make an argument for their effectiveness.

But the real message that winning takes care of everything is not really as offensive as it is just plain wrong.

It’s actually the other way around.

Losing and learning to grow through adversity is exactly the ticket to success.

No one bats 1.000 but dealing with adversity makes us better.  It’s about times at bat.

So a better message, albeit it less edgy is “winning takes care of losing if you grow because of it”.

This is a powerful message for those of us struggling to not become discouraged when bad things happen so feel free to forward this email to anyone who might like to hear that adversity is the step before success.

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There was a recent article in USA Today about how some members of Generation X is hoping retire before they hit 40.

Used to be that retiring at 55 was considered early.

Being financially independent at 40 is a great goal.  Walking away from work and ambition at that age is a killer.

In fact, age has nothing to do with retirement except for economic and health matters.  What’s the first thing a lottery winner does if he or she is smart?

Keep their job.

They’ve got plenty of money but they also need plenty of life and life is like a book with many chapters.  Turning the page is an adventure.  And if you’ve got the financial situation going for you, there are a lot of exciting pages that can be turned.

The Wall Street Journal had a piece recently about the new era retirement communities with lavish pools and clubhouses.  In the article a source said that builders would never sell a single retirement home without first showing a clubhouse because the clubhouse is the dream.

So if that’s your goal, go for it.

But if you want to set your own hours, pursue another dream and thrive on accomplishments – aspire, don’t retire.

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Ever notice how different a vacation somewhere other than home can do for your health, happiness and personal life?

And often it only takes a day or two back in the grind to return to the thing we needed to take a vacation from in the first place.

Try this.

Pick a week and make it a week of transformation.

Each day concentrate on one change and to the best of your ability, stick to it.  And if you don’t like the results, you can always go back to the old routine in seven days.

For example:

Monday – Build your self-esteem on how loving you are; not what worldly possessions you have.  See yourself the way your pet sees you and do it all day Monday.

Tuesday – Focus on your spouse or partner.  Disrupt the usual routine in every way you can think of.  If you eat dinner in the same place, take it outside.  If you watch TV together, don’t – talk, play games do something different instead.

Wednesday – Focus on changing the way you work.  Frequently, the boss not only sets the tone for the job but for our lives 8 or more hours a day.  Try giving away your power.  Give up making a decision.  Try this, you’ll love it.  For one day, be the kind of person you would really want to work with.

Thursday – Live in the now.  Focus on the awesome power of listening.  Sit down with someone you ignore everyday and show some person-centered interest.

Make a list like this for Friday, Saturday and Sunday and consider focusing on children, your dreams, relationships, civic pursuits and fun.

No life will ever change until someone gets up in the morning with a plan to disrupt the often boring and stifling routine that we settle into.

“Follow your dreams, listen to your heart and always be true to you”

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I met a remarkable 88-year old man in the doctor’s office last week.

He has leukemia and has to have 12 pints of blood drawn every time he is given medication to prolong his life.

I was just getting a simple B-12 shot but I came away with a lesson about living.

He talked openly about his terminal disease.  Complained that it was difficult to walk very far without getting winded but eagerly reminded me that he could still drive.

I said, “unfortunately we don’t get to choose the illnesses that we get” and he laughed.

At peace with what will happen next, he talked about the full life he lived grateful for every moment.

It reminded me of a Dr. Seuss quote.

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened”

We have losses and we have gains.

When there are too many losses without a balanced number of gains, we are unhappy.

So another key to happiness is when faced with the small or major losses we experience in our lives, work actively to replace them with something that we gain to balance the ledger.

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Two steps.

One, exceed expectations.

Two, when something is wrong, promise to make it right.

This rule also applies to great customer service.  Imagine dealing with a business that is committed to exceeding your expectations.  And when something goes wrong, you hear a sincere promise to make it right.

In fact, I use that actual term in my dealings.  When it’s broke, we’ll make it right which means it has to be more than words to keep that promise.

A human being can ask no more of you than to do better than they expect and to fix problems until satisfaction is achieved.

Most retail businesses get this wrong – they talk a good game, but fall far short.

Most employees think pleasing the boss is so impossible that they often stop trying.

In relationships with children there is no room for empty parental promises and plenty of room to right the wrongs that come between you.

In the end what turns about being the right thing to do for others is ironically also the right thing to do for ourselves.

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Worry doesn’t ruin people’s lives.

The fear of worry does.

99% of the things we worry about never happen but it is the anticipation of what we fear could happen that paralyzes us, brings illness, wrecks relationships and puts a damper on happiness.

My father had a heart attack when he was 37.  He lived to be 82.  My mother was a professional worrywart and her son became pretty skilled at it, too.

The best book I ever read on worry was Dale Carnegie’s How To Stop Worrying and Start Living.  In a moment I will share a great way to use that book to put a stop/loss on worry.

But first, three facts you should know about worrying: 

1. Live in day tight compartments.  Don’t stew about the future.  Just live each day until bedtime. 
2. Remind yourself of the exorbitant price we can pay for worry in terms of health.  “Those who don’t know how to fight worry die young”.
3. Ask yourself what is the worst that can possibly happen if you can’t solve your problem.  Prepare yourself mentally to accept the worst — if necessary.  Then calmly try to improve upon the worst — which you have already mentally agreed to accept.

Now the hint.

Buy a paperback copy of Carnegie’s book or download it to a tablet or reader and read one chapter at a time.  Only one.  Read it over and over again as many times as necessary.  Only when you have mastered the principle in each chapter, move on to the next but not before you’ve begun to see yourself breaking the worry habit.

“Today is our most precious possession. It is our only sure possession” – Dale Carnegie

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I know three people in my life right now who have had or have cancer. 

They are all under 30.

One has had serious breast cancer surgery.  One had leukemia as a teenager.  And the third just found out a few days ago that she will have to have a suspicious lump removed.

This is unfair but life can be unfair. 

When cancer comes calling, this horrible disease seems to bring the best out of people.  Most victims find out how strong they really are even if previously they never felt strong.  Those around them automatically offer their support, a hug, a prayer, a friendship to help them through the crisis.

What a wonderful world this would be if we could do all those things for each other without having it prompted by serious illness.

In fact we can – now.

The cure for cancer is partially in the hands of physicians and partially in the mind of the person fighting for their health.  

The prescription for being a good friend to yourself and others is to offer the cure without the disease.

Adversity introduces a person to him or herself and to those around them.

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In a world where “it’s all about me”, the clamor of everyone vying for attention is tough on interpersonal relations.

At Philadelphia International Airport last week, I saw a young businesswoman who was irked because she had been waiting for a shuttle bus to take her from the car rental lot to the terminal.  She had every right to be upset because she could have missed her flight.  No one seemed to respond to her concern so she tweeted to Hertz to tell them that this is “not exactly” the service they promise.

I’m good with that.

But one wonders if we are equally motivated to catch someone doing something right.  To commend them – publicly and to their employers and to use the power of your personality to make someone’s day.

Here’s the approach I like:

1. Identify the deed and then tell the person who did it what impressed you.  To avoid mere flattery, give a specific example.  Keep a keen eye out for people you can recognize for something good they have done.
2. Tell others around them about the good deed, excellent service or news about that which exceeded your expectations.
3. Get your cell phone out and take it viral
4. Let their employer know.

Steps 1-3 take only a minute.

Step 4 if you are so motivated requires a few minutes more. 

If you want to make more friends in a few minutes than you could make trying to impress them, appoint yourself as the person who is ordained to appreciate the efforts and spirit of others.

One added benefit:  how good it makes you feel.

“The best minute you spend is the one you invest in people” – Ken Blanchard

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