Losing a job or a friend, a spouse, a pet is painful enough.

Add time and that pain festers.

Lose your youth, lose touch with your college friends ten years after graduating.

Or lose your health that can happen at any age contrary to popular belief.

Loss plus time to let it marinate is the formula for unhappiness.

We get stuck.

We feel empty.

A great way to look at loss is to replace every loss with some kind of gain.

A job with a better job and while you’re looking, the promise of a better job.

A long relationship is hard to replace, but more face time with friends reminds us that our personal loss is not permanent.

Even the loss of a loved one, although they cannot be replaced, can be augmented by dedicating yourself to the memories that made that person special.

Here’s the revelation.

A loss doesn’t even have to be replaced by an equal gain (say, a job for another job).  Maybe just entering a marathon or giving some of your time to the less fortunate will make you feel full for a period of time.

When we add to our lives at times when something has been taken away, it helps us not only get through it, but it’s a rehearsal for our future happiness.

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My wife was on the phone with an Apple service rep the other day and when she asked how is your day going, she was not ready for the response.

She said she was going to Walmart just before Valentine’s Day to get her kids a card and some stuffed animals when she encountered customers in the store fighting over the stuffed animals.

Then when she was attempting to check out, she saw fighting in line that was so intimidating that she walked out without the gifts.

It’s not just Walmart, it’s getting to be everywhere as people think that it is okay to dispense with common courtesy.

This kind of thing affects our mood, our day and often the way we feel about others.

In a stressed-out world, courtesy seems to have taken a back seat.

To fight against rude people, look to the people who are not rude.   They may be the quiet ones, the unnoticed.

It is important for me not to lose hope that most people care about being nice, they are just getting pushed aside by outrageous behavior online and in person.

Perhaps you feel the same way?

For every rude person, make it a point to look around and find at least one unnoticed person who is being kind.

Changing the world begins with one person at a time.

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Think about it.

When you post a picture or comment on Instagram or Facebook, you go back and check to see how many people liked it.

If that’s not you, you are not typical according to research.

More troubling is new information that social media is forcing users to put on a façade of happiness that does not exist.  Donna Freitas’ book The Happiness Effect – How Social Media is Driving a Generation to Appear Perfect at Any Cost contains sobering examples.

This is bad for any of us but especially for young people who are vulnerable to being accepted by peers.

Social media is fine for expression and communication but no substitute for face to face friends and living in the present to discover its many wonders.

The likes that are most important are the ones we have about ourselves not the ones others vote on through social media.

I like the way I conducted myself under pressure. 

I like that I had empathy for my friend.

Even though I messed up, I like the fact that I care to be better next time.

What do you like about you and the evidence to support it.

The man or woman in the mirror is the best “like” of all.

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A few weeks back Tiffany Trump (President Trump’s daughter with Marla Maples) was reportedly shunned at New York Fashion Week.

News coverage makes it appear that Tiffany Trump wasn’t being welcomed as other fashionistas were.

Pictures emerged of how there were two seats next to her in row one at Fashion Week, a place people kill to be in the first row.  Except, they may have been snapped at an inopportune time.

Well, liberal Democrat Whoopi Goldberg had about enough of this and spoke out on The View.

Goldberg told Tiffany Trump that she would be happy to sit next to her at the next show and talk fashion not politics.

The world is sadly becoming dominated with haters and how did it get to the point where an otherwise nice person is being shamed because of her father’s politics?

Dislike the deed and not the person and you’ll stop haters dead in their tracks.

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Robert Marchand is 105 and probably more fit than people half his age and I am writing about him not because he set the world record in one-hour cycling where you ride for 60 minutes on an indoor track.

But because he is getting fitter even as he ages.

He pedals about 17 miles.

After the age of 50, the body doesn’t usually increase its aerobic fitness, try as we may, even though people can work hard to maintain.

Doctors usually accept death decades earlier than Marchand does because he hasn’t considered it.  Example:  Marchand is convinced he can improve his performance next year when he is 106!

His fitness routine is unique. He doesn’t use a heart monitor and has an interesting mix of 20% difficult intensity to 80% light.

A simple diet.  A glass of red wine.  Very socially active.

But all of this is not the overriding message coming from a 105 year old man.

Reject limitations.

Doctors don’t know healthy living.

Be social.

Pray for great genes.

Most importantly, live going forward not looking back.

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I came across some fascinating numbers about how teams in the four major sports have done after they changed their coach in the middle of the season in terms of win percentage and if they made the playoffs:

National Hockey League      +.041  (40.7% made the playoffs)

NBA                                     +.029 (28.1% made the playoffs)

NFL & AFL                            +.074  (3.4% made the playoffs)

Major League Baseball         +.015  (4.0% made the playoffs)

(Source: Wall Street Journal/Stats LLC)

Six NHL teams even won the Stanley Cup after making a mid-season coaching change leading the Journal to write this headline: “Why Every NHL Team Should Fire Its Coach”.

So athletes respond to change and it is very likely that workers and family members also respond to hearing a different voice.

This got me to thinking not that we must fire our mothers and fathers every two to four years, but how we should think seriously about changing our messages — the way we talk, empathize and motivate others so that there isn’t just one way.

If it is human nature to respond to new voices, let’s resolve to be one of them.

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No one has all good days.

Dealing with the bad days can be a challenge.

When you focus on helping someone else with their problems and get the attention off your difficulties, bad days can become more tolerable.

When I speak to groups about topics like these, I will often distribute 3×5 cards and ask everyone to write down their three biggest problems in life right now.

No names on the cards.

I collect the cards and redistribute them to everyone else giving them a new card and a new set of problems.

When I ask who wants their own problems back, 100% of the time everyone prefers their own.

Helping others.

Focusing on problems other than ours.

Two positive ways to get through a bad day or a rough patch.

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We love to have our ducks in a row.

Surprises are not something most people want.

Surprises can also be rewarding sources of happiness even ones that are not on the surface happy.

I met my wife by doing something I never do.  I called a temporary service to fill in for a week while I was away doing a conference.  Obviously, she stayed for a lifetime.  And I’m not kidding that the agency wanted me to pay a fee because I married her.

Really?

I know of someone who was surprised that she had breast cancer but even more surprised to find out that she didn’t need chemotherapy.

Or the friend who was surprised her husband was having an affair that led to turmoil, sadness and then a new life with a person who valued her.

The job candidate in radio who didn’t get the job he wanted only to remain on the sidelines for another year until the job of his dreams came along.

Surprises are not so bad because they often have a happy ending.

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Here’s what I do when I receive an email from someone who either assumes I have no feelings or no brains.

I write a simple response. 

“Is this something that you would have said to me in person?”

About half the time I get no response, but rest assured – message delivered.

And believe it when I say about half the time I get an apology, often a lengthier apology than the original insulting email.

Sometimes I make a new friend – and I’m not kidding.

Hiding behind a computer or smartphone doesn’t always bring the best out of us so when you ask a person if they would have said the insulting thing to you in person many realize that they went too far.

Instant communication does not mean instant gratification.

Before you hit “send” assume you may someday have to read that email on the witness stand in a courtroom.

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Gutsy for jumping from the stadium roof onto the field (even if it was recorded in advance).

Electric for the over-the-top Super Bowl halftime show she did.

Talented for her great voice.

These are the things that came to mind when Lady Gaga performed at halftime during Super Bowl 51.

But trolls online had a field day with what they described in all sorts of gross ways as body fat.

In particular, belly fat.

They didn’t like it so they shamed her from the safety and relative anonymity of their mobile devices and social media networks.

Gaga’s response was “I’m proud of my body and you should be proud of yours, too”.

Body shaming is a coward’s game, but it happens all the time.  Not just to girls like Lady Gaga but to children faced with inconsiderate people who are made more powerful through social media.

The best defense against all types of shaming is being proud of yourself the way you are.
There is only one of you, celebrate it.

We don’t live our lives by outsourcing our self-esteem to others.

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