I saw an article in the New York Times just before New Year’s in which the movie critic Robert Ebert never said goodbye to his longtime television partner, Gene Siskel.

Humorist and writer Nora Ephron never told her friends that she had a terminal illness.  Her friend, the actress Meryl Streep said she felt ambushed. 

Saying goodbye forever is an individual’s own call.

I’m more interested in saying “hello” over and over.

The article listed some ways that people could leave this earth without divulging much to others.  I looked at the list and thought we should only do these things while we’re healthy, happy and here.

1. Say Nothing – sometimes the less said, the better.
    
2. Say Something Before It’s Too Late – You don’t have to be dying to be human and communicate.
    
3. Say the Obvious.  I love you.  I appreciate you.  Forgive me.  I forgive you.  Great stuff while living in the moment.
    
4. Say It With Deeds – Showing love rather than saying it is also very, very effective.
    
5. Say It If They Can’t Hear You – Saying I’m sorry even if you are not yet able to tell that person is an elixir that’s worth taking over and over again.  It transforms you and prepares you to have meaningful conversations when you can be heard.

Waiting until the end is no way to live life.

Live in the moment as if every day is your last.

“What day is it?”
“It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.
“My favorite day,” said Pooh.
— A.A. Milne

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The litmus test of a solid family is how many times you eat dinner together.

Especially important in the digital age.

Does this picture scare you?  It should.

Social and digital communication is the great innovation of our age.  But it is not a replacement for face-to-face social interaction.

A psychologist told me that he recommend that families have dinner together. 

Mobile devices off!

I’m talking to mom and dad here because you can’t preach face-to-face interaction if you’re going to say one thing and do the other. 

Talk about your day.  School.  Work. People. Politics.  Movies.  Anything. 

A girl told me her parents were adamantly against using digital devices as babysitters when adults want to talk.  The other day the adults were having a good time and the two and three year old were getting restless.

The mother broke her rule and handed them her iPhone.

Until she sucked it up and took them home instead.

Don’t ruin great mobile digital devices by making them a substitute for face time.

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Thomas Edison who failed thousands of times in his quest to eventually invent the light bulb said “I have not failed.  I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work”.

That’s the attitude we need.

Failure means you’re on your way to success not that you’re headed for failure.

But employers don’t often think that way.

They want us to hit it out of the park.  Go big.  Lead the team to immediate victory.

Friends and family also send mixed messages.

Be your best.  Don’t let us down.  Everyone is counting on you.

I know of no one who has ever accomplished anything good or great by never making a mistake.  No one.

We know that but we let others get into our heads.  Instead, stop letting the stress and pressure of someone else’s desires act as a disincentive.

Don’t go big.

Go back – again, and again and again – until you succeed.

Winston Churchill said:

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill.

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Things are so bad for dethroned Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong that he has taken to Oprah Winfrey’s couch to express remorse.

From Oprah’s own mouth we hear that Armstrong did not go far enough in his confession of doping to give the cyclist the winner’s advantage. 

USA Today turned on Armstrong in a front page story yesterday where it proclaimed the view that “sorry just doesn’t cut it”.

For those who argue that Armstrong who battled through testicular cancer and did much good from the organization Livestrong, the issue is what is an apology?

A sincere expression of sorrow along with the will to right the wrong.

In fact, apologizing is dreaded by most people.

It should be the other way around.

Saying “I’m sorry” is a freeing thing.

It is being condemned to posture and defend a wrong and hurtful position that poisons the human spirit. 

So, if you haven’t found a reason to say the words “I’m sorry” today, you’re probably missing the opportunity to be really human.

And once we overcome the shame or embarrassment of being human, people gravitate to us and we feel better.

This is a good time to recall Marion Jones after her steroids case when she said:

“I recognize that by saying that I’m deeply sorry, it might not be enough and sufficient to address the pain and the hurt that I have caused you. Therefore, I want to ask for your forgiveness for my actions, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

Forget excuses. 

Learn to admit when you messed up and learn to relish the opportunity to admit it.

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“Tell me, what is your biggest fault?”

It’s designed to have job applicants turn against themselves.  But you can’t just ignore it.

The response that many people give is:  “I work too hard” – a perceived employer advantage that applicants hope will circumvent the trick question.

I advised my students at the University of Southern California who were looking to interview for their first post-collegiate job to show up prepared.

Here are some responses like these with which you feel most comfortable:

1. (Basic Approach) “I realize that everyone is fallible so I am sure I have the same tendencies other applicants might have.  But I learn from my mistakes and see even temporary shortcomings as long-term advantages”.  The interviewer will likely probe and you win when you are prepared to cite specific examples of fallibilities you have overcome.
2. (Strong Response) “I can be impatient.  I have often had to overcome my desire for immediate results with swift action”.  When asked what is that swift action, you have won the interview question if you answer, “I immediately go to PPP – purposeful positive progression to turn my lack of patience into an advantage”.  Be prepared to cite an example or two if you choose this response.  That lends credibility.
3. (Brave Response): “I can be intolerant of people who can’t work together as a team.  When this happens I try to channel my best human relations to guide my behavior and deal with theirs”.  Be ready to cite examples or this is no better than “I work too hard”.  And be prepared to show what exactly makes you skilled in human relations (courses, reading, specific life’s experience, etc). 

What interviewers really want to know by asking “What is your biggest fault?” is how do you handle not being the “perfect” candidate that you seem to be on this interview. 

Do not dump on yourself, but do not equivocate, either.  You’re out if you screw this question up.

So admit that you are like everyone else – not perfect – but attach a believable upside to your humanity with evidence.

Try these responses or consider similar ones of your own and perhaps you’ll get what most of my students received when they tried it – a follow-up interview or a job offer.

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One of my best friends passed away yesterday after a long battle with cancer.

His name is Wynn Etter. 

I met Wynn when he was sponsor for the Dale Carnegie Courses in Cherry Hill, NJ.  Over the years I met the most wonderful people through Wynn and was honored when he asked me to teach the Dale Carnegie Course.  I cannot imagine what my life would have been like for me without calling this man my friend.

The loss of a friend sometimes occurs when they are alive but not available for a relationship.  But in this case, Wynn was a mentor and an inspiration very much involved in my life.

When I did research for my book, he would pack up tons of motivational literature and ship it to me.  He was thanked in the book’s dedication.

He used to call me “Tiger” – an enthusiastic reminder to go after what I desired in life.

A positive man who as he endured chemotherapy never uttered a negative word even as his disease progressed. 

I have a fond memory of Wynn pulling up to tollbooths that linked southern New Jersey bridges to nearby Philadelphia and anonymously paying the toll for the car behind him.  The grateful recipient of his random kindness would step on it and pull next to his car at the top of the bridge and wave their thanks.

It’s hard to contemplate living without the benefit of people like Wynn.  But I have a consolation plan.

If I can take just one of his many good qualities and make it mine, he will live on through me.  And there is a long list to choose from.

There is a beginning, middle and end to life but the good qualities of friends can live on in their name through others.

“What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us”  – Helen Keller

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My friend Jed Duvall sent me a book recently that I can’t put down.  It’s called “Condemned To Repeat It”. 

The title is borrowed from that great George Santayana quote, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it”.

I have often wondered why nations, businesses, family, people continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.  These are smart people.  Smart companies.

What is the missing ingredient?

In a chapter on “The Only One Who Ever Beat Hannibal”, the authors (Wick Allison, Jeremy Adams and Gavin Hambly) remind us to “respect a talented opponent and study his methods”.

They cite the World War II confrontation between General George Patton and the German Erwin Rommel in the battle for North Africa.

Patton was ready for it. 

As Patton watched Rommel’s tanks change position for an assault against the Allied Forces, Patton was overheard saying “Rommel, you sonofabitch, I read your book!”

In our daily lives we should remember the author’s advice: 

“Your competitor can be your greatest teacher.  After all, he’s the only one interested in your business as you are.  Watch his strategies, monitor his mistakes, and copy his successes.”

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Not many years after Apple totally remade the smartphone business, millions are now suffering from smartphone addiction.

A recent NY Times article identified the international technology company Atos as phasing out all emails among employees by the end of this year requiring workers to find other means to communicate.

Daimler Benz employees can have emails deleted automatically during vacations so as not to flood their inboxes upon return.

A nationwide Pew survey of 2,254 adults cited in the article found that 44% of cellphone owners had slept with their phones next to the bed and 67% admitted to checking their phone even if it was not ringing or vibrating.

I wouldn’t give up my smartphone and I don’t imagine you would either.  But with small children now carrying phones and human discourse negatively impacted by distracted relationships, I’m interested in putting my digital device in its proper place.

1. Turning off a smartphone actually helps people stay refreshed.  There is no evidence that users who switch it off jeopardize their careers.  In fact, it’s the reverse.  Less overwhelmed, more refreshed.
2. Just because we can work from anywhere at any time doesn’t mean it is an advantage to do so.
3. Thinking and contemplating are two powerful career tools that are getting lost in digital addiction.  Rediscover them.
4. Establish digital hours.  Build in downtime.
5. Establish black out hours, you know, the kind that millions of people were forced to do when the Blackberry network goes down.  Work went on although anxiety ran high.

As I have shared with you in the past, my USC students went nuts when I made them give up their cellphones for two days, but they also admitted to liking it.

When life becomes more hectic because of a great tool like a smartphone, take steps to balance your analog and digital life. 

Don’t throw either away.

“Technology offers us a unique opportunity, though rarely welcome, to practice patience.” – Allan Lokos, Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living. 

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Nothing ruins a great job more than having to work with a “jerk”.

First, short of health issues emotionally or physical that may arise from this stress, there is no reason to let a difficult co-worker push you out of a great job.

A better plan, wait for them to self-destruct. 

It happens all the time, but unfortunately lots of good people leave careers they like just to get away from cynical, abusive, hurtful and undesirable people. 

The Harvard Business Review offers some advice:

1. Focus on your own reactions. “If there is someone who is annoying or abrasive, don’t think about how the person acts, think about how you react. It’s far more productive to focus on your own behavior because you can control it.”
2. Keep your distaste to yourself. Complaining can send a negative message about you and you might be perceived as “unprofessional or be labeled as the difficult one.” Communicate through a support network you trust – outside of work.  
3. Consider whether it’s you, not them.  “Start with the hypothesis that the person is doing things you don’t like but is a good person,” says Stanford Business School professor Robert Sutton to HBR. “It’s reasonable to assume you’re part of the problem…If everywhere you go there’s someone you hate, it’s a bad sign.”
4. Spend more time with the difficult co-worker.  Talk about taking bitter medicine! The idea is to try and build empathy.  However “If it’s someone who violates your sense of what’s moral, getting away [from him] isn’t a bad strategy,” says Sutton to HBR.
5. Give the person you hate feedback.  “It may be that what bothers you is something that regularly gets in her way as a professional,” says HBR. Stick to the behavior that person can control and describe how they impact you and your work together.

“Difficult People are your key to self empowerment, you need to learn how to cope with them, not let them dominate and affect you.” — Janice Davies

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I used to own a small card that I kept in my top desk drawer.  When I placed my thumb on it, I got a stress alert.

Red for lots of stress.  Green for cool.

Now I’ve discovered a new app from Huffington Post that instructs you to place your finger over the lens and flash of your iPhone to get an instant breaths-per-minute (BPM) reading.

In one minute, my breaths went down by 10 as I watched the face of my phone gather and display the information. The app is free and fun to try.  You can also attach stress reducers like music and pictures of loved ones to the app to help take the edge off.  You can get “GPS For the Soul” here.

Stress is the disrupter of all happiness.  A threat to our lives, well-being and relationships.  It’s worth fighting.

Whether it is an app, meditation or a walk, stress can be put in its proper place.

The key is mindfulness – being aware of the high price we pay for stress and the importance of interrupting that stress on a regular basis.  Also lifestyle changes, reassessments of values and goals and the greatest stress reducer of all – appreciation for that which we have and the people we have in our lives.

Lily Tomlin said, “For fast acting relief, try slowing down” and Ghandi said, “There is more to life than increasing its speed”.

But I love the Chinese Proverb that reminds us “”Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”

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