Fear dogs us constantly – some people more than others. 

But there is an antidote for fear.

It is trust.

Trust in ourselves.

Trust in a trustworthy friend or family member.

If we’re religious, trust in God or a higher power.

Fear is useless but trust is a great healer.  When we retrain our brain to make trust kick in when fear creeps into our lives, fear has met its match.

The fear of failure, loss, unemployment, rejection, speaking before groups of people, and yes, intimacy — the greatest fear of our generation. 

Hit these fears head on by finding someone to trust.

No ideas?

Start with yourself.

“Fear is useless, what is necessary is trust” – Jesus Christ

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Every August, I retreat to the beaches of New Jersey to vacation and this year will be no exception.

I remember Richard Branson saying “If you are fortunate enough to get a holiday, try not to spend it looking at your smartphone every five minutes. Instead, put business at the back of your mind – but not out of your head. I have been on many holidays where I have heard an exciting idea that has turned into a Virgin business. Keep your eyes peeled for a creative idea”.

In other words, relax, but don’t take the summer off from great ideas.

I will bring a list of things I want to think about in my summer office (the ocean) and will decide which of them I want to commit to doing next year.

The summer is free agency – when you commit to how you want to live the next 12 months – not unlike the way an athlete commits to playing a sport for the year ahead.

I have invented businesses, changed my life’s focus, made personal changes and initiated new challenges all from doing one simple thing – relaxing and keeping my brain on.

If you’re interested in trying this, find your “Jersey shore” and proceed as follows:

1. Before Labor Day is Off-Season.  You’re a free agent.  This is where you say “I want to do this for a living next year” or “I want to do this with a special person for the next 12 months”, etc.
2. After Labor Day is Pre-Season Training Camp.  This is where you start to get the skill sets you need for your next adventure.  Before I started my paid media website, I had to learn how to do a paid website and this started in “pre-season”.
3. Your regular season begins after a six-week Pre-Season during which you work to carrying out the plans you’ve made.
4. Then save time for your Playoffs – when you get to perform at the highest level possible to achieve your goals.

“Use the space and time to reflect on the year so far and plan how to improve in the coming months” – Richard Branson

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“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing”.

That was said by the successful and innovative coach of the Philadelphia Flyers hockey team also known as The Broad Street Bullies.

When I first heard Shero’s wisdom, I knew it was worthy of residing on my smartphone, a refrigerator sticky and on my desk.

Say nothing and become the unwitting victim of everyone else’s opinion or point of view.

Do nothing and watch life from the sidelines.

When our voices remain silent and our actions still, we are nothing.

I’m thinking of a quote in my book about Ted Williams, one of the most prolific hitters in baseball.  Williams hit .406 one year, very few in the history of baseball have ended a complete season with a batting average over .400.

Which means – he failed 6 out of 10 times.  One of the greatest ever, only succeeded 40% of the time.  And in baseball today, if a player “succeeds” 25% of the time, they are called a multimillionaire.

So I’ve concluded it is not the fear of criticism that paralyzes us, it’s the fear of not batting 1.000.

“The only average that counts is batting 1.000 at trying”

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I once heard a family counselor say that sometimes non-family members feel more like family than blood relatives.

He also said every family is dysfunctional – some more than others – so get over it.

For those of us who have witnessed the heartbreak of alcohol or drug addiction and other conditions that lead to heartbroken families, there is no ruder awakening than the realization that no one’s family is perfect.

Here are some secrets to a happier family:

1. Forgive, but don’t necessarily forget.

2. Maintain healthy boundaries or risk losing your soul.

3. Communicate – share stories.

4. Eat a meal together – digital devices off (and that means you, too, mom and dad)

5. Build rituals – pizza nights, movies, sporting events, etc.

6. Communicate directly and openly without shouting

It doesn’t take perfection or total agreement to improve family life.

I met a couple who had two wayward teenagers that almost led them to the brink of divorce.  So they rented a Winnebago, set out on a three week summer tour of the nation’s national parks and expected all hell to break loose in that confined space.

But instead, their relationships improved as they did the one thing they were not able to do in their workaday world – focus on each other.

“I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life” – Maya Angelou

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Often sports is more powerful than who won or who lost.

It teaches us life lessons when we observe how athletes face adversity.

Just five short weeks ago, golfer Phil Mickelson failed in a heartbreaking one-stroke loss to Justin Rose at Merion on no less than Father’s Day.  Just prior to the tournament, the father Phil Mickelson flew across the country to be at his daughter’s 8^th grade graduation.  He played bleary-eyed by the time he jetted back to play golf.

Fast forward to last weekend when Mickelson tees off at the British Open, an event in which he barely contends each year and comes back from a 5 stroke disadvantage to win it all.

Sean Gregory of Time Sports suggested why Michelson is such a fan favorite:  “He’ll pull out a driver when he doesn’t need it, like he did at the 72nd hole during his infamous 2006 U.S. Open collapse at Winged Foot, and cost himself the title. Then he’ll leave the driver out of his bag at Merion, when he absolutely needed it on the 72nd hole, to have any shot of forcing a playoff against Rose”.

In one way, Mickelson is very predictable.

Mickelson’s wife, Amy, is a breast cancer survivor.  In his heart of hearts he knows too well that golf is just another game when compared to the game of life. 

Overcoming adversity is predictable once we believe it.

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Here’s what the tough head of the Major League Baseball Players Association said last week prior to the sport’s All Star Game:

“I look for beauty, meaning and joy.  If I find beauty, meaning and joy, that’s a good day”.

Come again?

This is the players’ union leader who fights for their livelihood and stands up to the Commissioner of Baseball across the bargaining table.

Michael Weiner made headlines by commenting on what he looks for in life because he has an inoperable brain tumor with only months, perhaps weeks, to live.  He made the comments from a wheelchair to which he is now confined.

Adversity has helped Michael Weiner see things the way we should see things in life:

“I get up in the morning and I feel I am going to live each day as it comes.  I don’t take any day for granted.  I don’t take the next morning for granted”.

Imagine if, miraculously, Weiner’s brain tumor could be cured and that he could now apply the wisdom that came to him as a direct result of his disease to living the rest of his life that way.

He cannot.

But most of us are fortunate in that we can.

Michael Weiner’s advice to look for beauty, meaning and joy should not wait one more day for anyone.

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Contrary to popular belief, our failures and fears also contribute to building self-confidence.

Positive self-image is not just about a subliminal pep talk, it’s about how we handle life’s challenges.

A few thoughts:

1. Another person may shake our confidence, but we are in control of whether they succeed at destroying it. 
2. Making positive statements about who we are and what our potential can be is the cure for negativity in our lives from those around us.
3. Inner happiness can only come from within ourselves not from external events, sources, riches or luck.  No one can take away inner contentment with ourselves.
4. Identify negativity around us – and cast it out of the minds as soon as it enters.
5. Banish negative self-talk:  “I can’t do this”, “I’m no good”, “People don’t like me”, “I’ll never be able to accomplish this”.  Self-defeating talk stops growth, healing and becomes our way of life.  Choose a different path.

“Loving ourselves is the most important love relationship” – Martin Padovani, Healing Wounded Relationships

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President Eisenhower said it best when he said, “Let’s never waste a minute thinking about people we don’t like”.

This may be the best advice that is hardly ever taken.

Social media is littered with comments about people who irk each other.

Behind most people we don’t like is their ability to push our buttons.  

Here is some great advice to paste on your refrigerator:

Know yourself:  “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people” – Carl Jung

Keep your eyes wide open:  “Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They’re only powerful when you got your back turned” – Eminem

Know human nature:  “When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudice, creatures motivated by pride and vanity” – Dale Carnegie

Tread carefully:  “I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to” – Unknown

Draw the line:  “We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.”  – Dave Ramsey

And my favorite:

“Don’t push my buttons without reading the manual.” – Inspector Gadget

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Doctors say we pay a great price for worrying.

It leads to anxiety that can make people become physically ill and mentally stressed.

Time to stop worry in its tracks.

Here’s my go-to formula:

1. Do, don’t stew.
2. Try the “magic formula” of Willis Carrier:  “Ask yourself what is the worst that can possibly happen if I can’t solve my problem”.  Prepare yourself to accept the worst – if necessary.  Then calmly try to improve upon the worst, which you have already mentally agreed to accept.  This formula is foolproof.  We just need to use it.
3. Never forget that 99% of that which we worry about will never, ever happen.

There are many things that can help reduce fear and worry, but I find these three gems a way to jumpstart the process when worry begins to get out of control.

“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension.  And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it” — George Burns

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I met a charming lady on a flight from Philadelphia to Phoenix recently who shared with me the tribulations of living with a learning disability. 

She was on her way to Arizona to finish work on her doctorate in mental health.

What struck me was that she had to turn her disabilities into accomplishments when she could have easily succumbed to them.

And whom did she credit for this gift of inspiration?

Her father who said “Don’t listen to others, you can overcome anything”.

Dad was the driving force in this woman’s life and while he will not be here to see his daughter fulfill her dream (he passed away five months ago), she attains her goal because he was there for her with the right words of encouragement.

When was the last time we gave such unconditional assurances to those around us so they can believe in themselves and their ability to overcome adversity and achieve success?

Make a short list of people who can be helped by actively believing in them.

Then begin reciting the mantra:  “You can overcome anything”.

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