Over the weekend a friend told me the story of a man who chased another man into a department store, pinned him to the ground and proceeded to bang his head against the floor mercilessly.

A do-gooder tried to get him to stop the beating but it continued.

He then warned the man that he had a firearm and that if he didn’t stop smashing this man’s head against the ground, that he was going to shoot him which he did and the man died.

But every picture doesn’t always tell the true story, as my friend pointed out.

Turns out the dead man was punishing the perpetrator he chased down who killed his wife and raped his young daughter.  In other words, the wrong man was shot.

We all alarmingly live our lives based on assumptions rather than fact.

A fact is something that can be observed and verified. 

Friendships are lost because of assumptions.

People are marginalized because of assumptions.

Even our own lives are lived based on what we assume we want to do for a living, who we want to be with and how we want to spend our time – not always the real reasons.

I share this story because it is fresh in my mind and hopefully will serve as a reminder of the great price we pay for acting on assumptions that we make instead of facts that we verify.

“To assume is to presume” – Jude Morgan

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Hall of Fame hockey goalie Bernie Parent is getting to be as good stopping worry as he was stopping pucks.

Here is Parent’s secret for living in the moment:

“I’d like to call myself a spontaneous person. When it feels right, I do it, at that very moment. Do you know what I don’t do? I don’t plan vacations a year ahead of time. The present moment enables you to enjoy what life is all about. Capture it, and let it captivate you. Slow down and enjoy your surroundings, nature, your family and friends, your health, and most importantly, yourself.

“If you start to worry about things that may happen 15, 20 years down the road, then your thinking shifts. You’ll constantly be worrying about your investments, health, etc. You’ll be living in fear. And the only way to walk away from this is to remove yourself from your own imagination and the uncertainties that you’ve created, and focus on this very moment”.

We prepare for the future with forethought.

We start worrying when it becomes fear thought.

We work to pay off our college loans and then a mortgage with car payments along the way.  It’s always something in the future.

We try to control as much as we can in life until, if we’re lucky, we discover that we can control virtually nothing.  The secret is letting go.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.”
 ― Eckhart Tolle
 

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Sounds like a big promise – too big to keep – but there is a valuable way to have confidence on demand when you need it most.

Here’s the secret.

Often times we forget about what we have done well or accomplished, but have very little trouble remembering that which we have done wrong, our failures.

So when we need to be at our confident best, what do we do?  Recall those vivid failures that keep haunting us.  The disappointments that are so vivid we can bring them back alive in a nanosecond.

Try this instead.

I keep mental IOU’s for little successes I have had that could boost my confidence when I need it most.  They are in my head or on my iPhone.

Example:  I had never published a paid website, but I had succeeded at programming a radio station.  So when I decided to invest in Internet publishing, I called in an IOU from a past success to give me a shot of confidence on demand.

Better yet, small IOUs are as good as big ones.  Really.

Helping to plan your best friend’s wedding is an IOU that comes in handy when you’re thrown a new challenge at work. 

Confidence is confidence.  File it and use it later.

In the end, this is our new mantra for gaining confidence on demand. 

Repeat after me:

“I’ve done it before so I can do it again”.

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When I was a radio disc jockey in Philadelphia, my boss called the phone in the studio every time I made a mistake.   I made a lot of them to be sure.

And the phone couldn’t ring out loud because I was on the air so it was hooked up to a 150-watt floodlight that flashed in my eyes for each ring.

Talk about stress.

It took the fun out of playing the music and having a great job.

Now we have stressors that we could have never dreamed of even if we work virtually.  Insensitive managers who bully through email and texting.  Inhuman workloads dumped on us with the presumption that “you will get it done” even if it has to be done on our own time.

Then there’s expectations insinuated that are unrealistic.  Add to that family life, personal health and other responsibilities like continuing our education and is there any wonder why we are always stressed out?

Here are a couple of tools to combat stress at the workplace.  Try as many as you like and cross them off when you think you’re making progress.

1. Work in the present.  Immediately put aside past successes, failures or future success and failures to concentrate on the project at hand.
2. Pat your own back – don’t expect others to do it or you’ll always be disappointed.
3. Don’t worry about being fired – that’s what some bosses count on, the fear employees have of losing their job.  Always remember, 99% of the time, you’re not going to be fired for what you think will get you fired.  In today’s investor’s economy, we’re more likely to be laid off for economic reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with our work performance at all.
4. Work for pride.  Athletes who have missed the post-season get a quick and often painful introduction to themselves when they are left to play for pride.  Pride is, in my opinion, the best motivator of human beings – better than money, status or power.
5. Separate money from performance.  If you’re not receiving adequate pay, that’s a discussion worth having for sure.  Where the topic doesn’t belong is in your everyday performance.  Always give a million dollars worth of effort in spite of the pay received in return.
6. Do away with multitasking.  It’s overrated and is stressful.  Focus on 20% of the things you need to do that deliver 80% of your productivity. 

“Disconnect from the Uncontrollable” – Geoffrey James

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Nothing is more in demand than enthusiasm.

The enthusiastic person gets the promotion, the raise, the benefits and the respect of others and all the friends.  Employers and associates love to be around enthusiastic people.

It would be great if employers were bounding with enthusiasm to inspire others. Consider yourself fortunate if you work for or with enthusiastic people.

So how can we get more of it?

Surprisingly, we can’t simply make a well-meaning vow to be enthusiastic and expect it to work.

Before I give a talk, I physically become animated.  I try to talk with audience members before I speak and to warm them up because it serves a dual function of also stoking my enthusiasm.

We can’t think ourselves more enthusiastic; we have to physically and mentally act it out to get the end result.  That’s the secret.

Try this little experiment:  find an area of life or target a person you know where they could benefit from an injection of your enthusiasm.  Then in your own way, physically and mentally warm them up in an effort to inspire them.

This is a life changer.

“None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm” – Henry David Thoreau

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When an act of thoughtfulness or kindness is rebuffed, it can lead to hurt feelings.

An invitation to a party or dinner that is presumed to be accepted ends with the invitee texting at the last moment that they’re not attending. 

Or worse yet, a no show.

We’re more connected than ever so you would think that we would be communicating better.

When we outsource our feelings to other people, we are asking for trouble. 

Be the fine person you want to be.  Reach out to others fearlessly.

And here’s the key, expect nothing in return.

Dale Carnegie, the father of human relations always said, expect ingratitude.  Should you be dealing with a grateful person, consider yourself lucky.  But most people are not used to being grateful even when you are doing them a favor or showing them an act of kindness.

Lowering your expectations but keeping yourself motivated to be the person you want to be is the reward.

Anyone else’s response is simply an additional validation.

Don’t let the ignorance of others change your kind nature or force you to build walls that will alienate you from others.

“Most people return small favors, acknowledge medium ones and repay greater ones – with ingratitude” – Benjamin Franklin.

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Dove soap commissioned an artist to sit with his back toward his subject and draw her image using only her own description of herself.

Next, he sketched the same person using a description given by someone else. 

In every case, the second sketch was more flattering than the one based on the subject’s own description of herself.

The usual faults were mentioned – large foreheads, wrinkles, big jaws, protruding chins and yet someone else saw beyond the flaws to describe beauty.

Why should we care?

How we feel about ourselves impacts not only us but those close to us, our loved ones and children.  We have the power to free our children from the same burdens we may have given ourselves if we change our attitudes.

The Dove project was inspired by research that showed only 4% of women considered themselves beautiful.

Today is a good day to begin to appreciate what we like about ourselves not what we don’t like.  

Here is a short video of the Dove artist doing both sketches.  It will touch you and may change your life.

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Thomas Edison is said to have tried thousands of different filaments before he invented the first lightbulb that would last.

That’s a lot of setbacks.

Often, we give it our best once or twice and then conclude our goal is out of reach.

But what would happen if we would not be denied?

Sports teams that are playing well and then suddenly come upon hard times begin to have the air siphoned out of them.  It’s almost as if it cannot be stopped.

But it can.

Expect setbacks and, in fact, look forward to them. 

Why do I say this? 

Because every successful person will tell you that a setback is the main reason for their success therefore our setbacks are no different.

Golfing great Jack Nicklaus interviewed recently by Charlie Rose said that losing taught him to win.

Nicklaus won more major golf tournaments than any other player in the history of the sport.

Yet he finished second 19 times! 

And worse than second many more times.

When we decide to expect setbacks and welcome them for the good news that are likely to bring us tomorrow, we have finally discovered how to turn a setback into a comeback.

“I’m always making a comeback but nobody ever tells me where I’ve been” – Billie Holiday

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1. Lower expectations

2. Start thinking more about your accomplishments

3. Find something or someone to make you laugh

4. Repeat this quote over and over:  “Nothing is worth more than this day” (Goethe)

5. Dream about the good day that is coming soon

6. Name 5 things that you are grateful for this minute.  If you can’t, try harder.

When we are having a bad day, we could be rehearsing for a good one.

It’s up to us.

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed” – Michael Jordan

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When I taught the Dale Carnegie Course, the magic formula for those ready to take on their fears was the phrase “do the things you fear to do and the fear will go away from you”.

Sooner or later most of us get tired of living a fearful life.

We’re ready to step up and try something new.

Changing jobs, accepting a relationship that cannot be saved, our phobias, insecurities, irrational thoughts and all the ways we terrorize ourselves needlessly.

The price we pay for fear and worry is high, indeed – both physical and mental.

So if today is your day to confront a fear to get the monkey off your back, do the thing you fear to do and that fear will go away from you.

As Dale Carnegie said: 

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday”.

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A young relative of two Boston Marathon bombing victims nearly brought me to tears when I heard her interviewed on the BCC World Service the other day.

Mature, kind, composed and grateful just begins to sum up her comportment.

She said that her sisters, one of whom lost both legs and the other riddled with shrapnel were doing fine.  The one lit up when the man who helped her after the explosion visited her at the hospital she was in.  The victim now considers this person – a previous stranger – one of the family for life.

Several other people who came to their aid asked not to be identified.  They were not seeking publicity or praise. 

And so the stories go – the good ones, the ones about random acts of kindness, bravery and compassion right in the middle of this premeditated act of terror.

Terrorist attacks and senseless killings rightly bring the focus to evil people in a world that makes us feel in peril.

But goodness is already superseding evil.

Healing begins when we focus on how good people can be without being asked when they are needed.

It is a triumph of hope over fear.

Good over evil.

Fred Rogers who played Mister Rogers on the PBS children’s show Mister Roger’s Neighborhood had just the right thought:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping’”.

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The winner of last weekend’s Master’s Golf Tournament, Adam Scott, came through under pressure to win the title, the green jacket and vault Australia into the winners column at the event for the first time.

But that’s not the way it was less than a year ago for Scott at July’s British Open where he choked miserably at the end.

Some great people somehow manage to let pressure get to them.  Fellow countryman Greg Norman blew a six-strike lead in 1996 at the Masters.

What we learn is that losing helps our resolve. 

Helps make us rehearse in our minds how we will deal with pressure the next time it confronts us.

In our daily lives, stress is a major factor.  When the stakes are high, stress is greater.

In a post-match interview, the young Scott said that with the weather turning bad and the opportunity that his playoff partner had given him it was time to just go out there and get it done.

That’s it.

When pressure envelops us, go out there and get it done.

“There is a lot of pressure put on me, but I don’t put a lot of pressure on myself. I feel if I play my game, it will take care of itself” – LeBron James

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A friend of mine recently shared a childhood story that resonated loud and clear.

She recalled fond memories of sitting around her family’s Kansas City dinner table and hearing her father ask the same question every day: 

“What’s the best thing that happened to you today?”

Dad wouldn’t accept, “I made it through the day” as an answer or the stock reply “nothing”.

Something more meaningful was required – more specificity.

The children were being positively programmed to see good routinely no matter what else life was offering on its menu that day.

Increasingly families don’t eat dinner together and when they do they don’t enforce the “no digital devices” rule.  Eat, talk and build your self-esteem.

Gratitude is like penicillin.  It cures most everything and unlike penicillin, no one is allergic to gratitude.

So, for one day only – try this.

Ask those you care about, “What’s the best thing that happened to you today?”  And don’t grade it, make fun of it or dismiss it because you are saving a lot of money on psychologist bills.

And while you’re at, for one day only, ask yourself the same question.

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” – Eckhart Tolle

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It’s hard to find a person who doesn’t want to improve – to make real changes in their lives.

It’s also hard to find many who have a plan for effecting that change.

That’s because change is difficult.  It requires an understanding of the problem or situation and a game plan to respond.

But often that is the easy part, believe it or not.

The hard part is sticking to the plan.

Change never happens overnight.  Sometimes you have to work hard to nudge things just a very little.  Folks get discouraged and frequently give up.

Significant change comes when you succeed as little as 10% of the time.

You’re ability to live in the present, for example, is improved greatly if you fail at 90% of the things you’re trying, but succeed at only 10%.

Same is true in sports.

Your golf game gets better not when you hit the ball like The Masters champion but when you hit the ball 10% better than you used to.

So, try the 10% rule and stick with it.

Oh, one more thing.

It’s really hard to know what exactly 10% better is so be prepared for much more then start by setting a realistic goal.

“When you’re trying to motivate yourself, appreciate the fact that you’re even thinking about making a change.  And as you move forward, allow yourself to be good enough” – Alice Domar

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While speaking to a class of college students, one young man who coveted a career as a musician, asked me “When is it time to give up on your dream?”.

Apparently his father, a college math professor, wanted him to have a career with a more substantial and predictable income stream.  A valid thought for a parent, for sure.

However my answer was: never stop chasing your dream.

But, he replied, “How do I make a living?”

I cautioned not to confuse making a living with following your dream.  Sometimes they are the same.  Sometimes they are not.

As long as we live on this earth and have the ability, why would we knowingly decide to throw our hands up and stop going after that which ignited our passions.

No employer, no mate, no friend, no enemy has the right to prevent us from chasing our dreams. 

Because today’s dreams are tomorrow’s accomplishments.

Dreams help enhance our self-esteem.

And perhaps more importantly, our dreams today lead us on the next great adventure tomorrow.

Say it – display it – embrace it.

“You have to speak your dream out loud” – Kelly Corrigan

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If you watched any of golf’s Masters Championship recently, perhaps what occurred to me occurred to you.

How awful it must feel to work so hard to compete in this major event and lose.

The same feeling emerges when a politician we support loses an election, when we fail to get the promotion we have worked so hard to get and so on.

Dealing with disappointment is major because we are disappointed so much.

No one plays to lose, but too few of us play to win because we played.

Participating in The Masters — check off, well done.

Running an election campaign – check success.

Working hard for a promotion that eludes us – chalk one up for being a hard worker who will soon not be denied.

The problem with losing is that we make it worse in our minds than it really is.  Not everyone can win a golf tournament.  Only one person may.

Where did we get the idea that we have the right to be disappointed for more than 24 hours and that’s the special rule I want to share with you this morning.

I allow myself 24 hours to be human and be disappointed – to sleep it off and start over again the next day.

Then resurrect all the good things we’ve done short of getting all that we wanted.

It’s true that to win tomorrow we have to lose today – and build our self-esteem rather than diminish it.

“Anytime you suffer a setback or disappointment, put your head down and plow ahead” – Les Brown.

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The movie critic Roger Ebert was being remembered last week when he died for all that he accomplished in journalism, television, speaking and digital media.

Ebert embraced the computer as his ability to speak was compromised by cancer that left him with the removal of his chin.

Beyond battling all that, what touched me that I want to share with you this morning is two lessons in living that are invaluable.

When he criticized the film “Brown Bunny” at the Cannes Film festival, the movie’s director skewered Ebert in return in vulgar terms.  But when Ebert saw a recut of the film, he praised the film.

Lesson one:  be gracious enough to offer praise and honest appreciation even in light of bad blood that may have developed between you and others.

Then when Ebert trashed “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”, he later admitted that star Rob Schneider had sent him get well flowers and a card upon learning of his illness.

Roger said, “although Rob Schneider might in my opinion have made a bad movie, he is not a bad man, and no doubt tried to make a wonderful movie and hopes to try again.”

Lesson two:  see good in others even when you may be critical of them.

The best way to remember someone who has passed away that left a heritage of some sort is to give renewed life to their good traits and let the departed live on through us.

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When adversity hits us or someone close to us, it is human to say “Why me?”.

In 1987 when famed Mouseketeer Annette Funicello, who died recently, found out that she had multiple sclerosis she saw the illness as a calling to help raise money to fight the disease.  She raised millions through her fame and misfortune by establishing the Annette Funicello Fund for Neurological Diseases.

But it doesn’t take starting a fund to work through adversity.

Women with breast cancer often volunteer their services to help others affected by the disease.  I know of one woman who for years made wigs for breast cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy.

Disease, accidents and misfortune are not on our wish list for sure but often adopting a “can-do” attitude about fighting back not only helps the patient but those around them as well.

It gives life a more defined meaning and a healthy perspective when dealing with misfortune.

“Cancer didn’t bring me to my knees, it brought me to my feet.” 
~ Michael Douglas

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One of the best things about constant contact with others on our mobile devices is that we can easily converse with more people and faster than ever before.

One of the worst things is that we can easily converse with more people and faster than ever before.

We seem to know what to do with spam and unwanted email.  There are programs that will shut these things down.  After all, email looks more and more like junk mail – the kind the postal service delivers.

But when it comes to work, our friends, family and new family (Facebook friends and virtual buddies), email is becoming a drain as well as a pain.

Some ideas I’ve adopted seem to help:

1. Everyone who takes the time to write to me gets a timely response – and happily because as you’ll see prioritizing email responses allows for better, more meaningful communication.
2. In an age of Twitter and texting, aim for short responses that are as succinct and meaningful as the best tweets.  It works for email.
3. Manage digital communications with you in control.  That is, a phone call is a tool for talking to some people, as texting is a way to reach others.  There are many tools that add up to communication.
4. If someone invests a lot of time to write a long email, invest a lot of time to return a meaningful (not necessarily long) response.

Life is stressful and constant contact makes us more stressful.

See these things as tools and not burdens.

You didn’t have to answer the phone 10 years ago and you don’t have to communicate with anyone that isn’t worth a thoughtful succinct response.

Email is becoming outdated because texting and Twitter are tools that many find more useful.  Whatever works, reduce social stress by taking charge of your digital life and using the tools that we all share more effectively.

“I don’t believe in email.  I’m an old-fashioned girl.  I prefer calling and hanging up” – Sarah Jessica Parker

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For many of us our daily routine is a stressful reminder that we often juggle responsibilities, work hard to pay the bills, deal with rising expenses and handle family and relationship problems that often sap our energy and optimism.

William James said, “The greatest use of a life is to spend it on something that will outlast it”.

What a great sentiment.

To be thought of for something worthwhile.

It can relate to our families, our careers, relationships and civic pursuits.  Often we’re motivated but life gets in the way.

Turn it around today.

Along with the necessities of life, make a one sentence vow that includes how you want to be thought of – what you’d like to contribute.  To not have this important sentences on your smartphone or a piece of paper is like driving without a roadmap.

One sentence.

I want to be thought of as a great friend.  Or a helper of those less fortunate.  Or a motivator.  A mother.  A dad.  A person who inspires others at work.  You get the idea.

Why live life another day without this simple roadmap to happiness and it starts with a sentence that keeps you on target even when daily living takes us places we don’t want to go.

“To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.”  — Leonard Bernstein

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