My friend and well-known Philadelphia dj Michael Tearson shared both a heart breaking and heart warming story with me about the death of his wife, the love of his life – a person for whom he has found no replacement in the 18 years since she died.

They met, fell in love and married only to find out months later that his new bride, the former Lynne Pedersen discovered that she had advanced breast cancer.  Michael and Lynne lived like there was no tomorrow because there was no tomorrow.

She fought the good fight with her husband by her side but she didn’t lose her battle.  Yes, she lost her life but the two of them had what many people take for granted – a virtual moment in time when two people connect with each other in love and mutual appreciation.

In our world, we are often blessed with the long-term companionship of others.  I think if we thought about the uncertainty of time, we would conclude, as Michael Tearson has, that any time with the right person is better than lots of time with the wrong one.

It doesn’t take a fatal disease to make us appreciate the warmth, friendship and support of others, just the awareness to do so.

Michael Tearson and Lynne Pedersen is a love story – short in years, long on valuing the gift of time.

My thanks to Michael Tearson for allowing me to tell this personal story.

“You get what anyone gets. You get a lifetime” – Neil Gaiman’s character of death in the Sandman Comic Book

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When we’ve been hurt, it is understandable that it may take some time to put that hurt behind us.

Some people eventually do.

Some don’t.

The ones who don’t turn into the same person who hurt them in the first place when they hang on to the vitriol of being the victim as justified as it may be.

To be sure, we forgive others for our own sake not for the others.

The animosity of a divorce or child custody battle, an insult, a betrayal, a hurtful deed or lie – these things can make us crazy.

Forgiveness for one’s own sake is a freeing thing.

But forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting.  Two benefits of not forgetting are to remember that this person hurt us in some way and the other is to keep in mind what the deed was so we can remain on the lookout for it in others.

Minnesota Wild hockey player Dany Heatley was deemed responsible for a car accident that killed his friend and then former Atlanta Thrasher’s teammate Dan Snyder in 2003.

But Snyder’s family was very supportive of their son’s friend and told prosecutors and the judge that nothing could be gained by putting Heatly in prison.  The judge listened to the family.

If the family of a son with so much promise who was killed in an irresponsible act of driving recklessly can forgive the driver, what’s our problem?

“We are all human beings and we know that humans make mistakes.  We do not lay the blame on Dany Heatley for the accident that took our son from us.  Forgiveness is also a part of being human and we know that there is nothing to gain from harboring resentment and anger toward others” – Graham Snyder

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I once saw a radio news director of a Philadelphia radio station get fired and after laying out the company’s case before he was actually fired his boss asked him one question – “Can you tell me why you shouldn’t be dismissed?”

Remarkably, his answer was “No”.

In the converse, I have often thought if we were asked, “Why should you get a raise” that most of the responses would be about longevity, loyalty and time spent working for the company.

What employers want to hear – in any economy – is that our value exceeds what they are paying us.

So an excellent way to set up the pay raise meeting is to ask ourselves to name 5 ways we can be more valuable than we are today.  List them.  Work them.  Achieve them.

Employees know even better than their superiors what it takes to be more valuable than what they are paid.

When that meeting occurs, mention the newly acquired skills and a brief example of each one of them.

Some companies plainly will not offer raises and if that turns out to be true of where you work, you can then list these 5 newly acquired valuable skills with the other advantages of employing you and take them elsewhere.

For 11 more ways to get a raise, click here.

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I love the wisdom of Dale Carnegie who said it best when he wrote, “If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically”.

For some reason human beings always want to be right but no one hits 1.000 in that department.

Admitting mistakes has even more value today than ever before because the emerging Millennial generation of which there are 80 million people coming of age puts a high value on authenticity.

The unbelievable hype of the Mad Men generation is no longer believed.

We want to know people who are real and who admit that they aren’t perfect.  In fact, the imperfections make our advantages look even more impressive.

So the worst thing we can do is to live like it’s 1999. 

Try for perfection.

Accept our best efforts.

And when we’re wrong, don’t waste an opportunity to be real and authentic.

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True friends are hard to come by.

We aggregate them on Facebook and gather them in our social circles but if we can count one true friend in our lifetime, we are extremely lucky.  Now, I’m not saying that the warmth and friendship of acquaintances is not valuable and rewarding.

I think you know what I mean.

We often overlook being our own best friend – the person who is always there for us, who never lets us down, who always tells us the truth.  Melody Beattie said, “If you want to meet the right person, you have to be the right person”.

And that applies to warm and close friendships.

So if we want to enrich our own lives, become your own best friend.

Some starting steps:

1. Laugh, dream, make plans.
2. Be positive and put a stop/loss on negative thoughts.  We can’t be our own best friend if we say negatives things about ourselves.
3. Instill in ourselves, the kind of qualities we would look for in a best friend.
4. Constantly move toward what we want to achieve – our dreams make us focus on that which is important.

“Stop looking out, start looking in, be your own best friend” – Van Halen

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Everyone has intuition.  Everyone.

Some of us don’t listen to our intuition because we may not like what we are thinking or we don’t have the confidence to believe it.

Intuition is that little voice inside that is never wrong when we allow ourselves to believe it.

When things work out well, few people say, “I heard a little voice inside my head”.  We usually refer to that little voice inside when we didn’t listen to it.

Nothing is more important than to consult with our own common sense before we make decisions.  And the more we do so, the more we build the confidence to hear even bad news from that little voice.

“I think we all have a little voice inside us that will guide us…if we shut out all the noise and clutter from our lives and listen to that voice, it will tell us the right thing to do” – Christopher Reeve

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The human condition is that every time we do something wrong, we make a mental note of it.

And if we forget, there is always someone there to remind us.

The most valuable IOU has nothing to do with money or possessions; this one is issued for doing something right – something successful.

For trying and not giving up.

For a good idea or accomplishment.

Why is making an IOU to yourself (in writing, on your smartphone or in your mind) so valuable?

Because you can use them as needed the next time you take on a challenging task, hit a rough spot in life or feel like life is getting out of control.

I do this all the time.  Even a small success needs to be remembered for future use.  It’s a self-perpetuating motivational tool that always pays dividends.

“Self-suggestion makes you master of yourself” — W. Clement Stone

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Ever use the phrase, “I hear you”?

Take it to the next level.

Listen to what others are not saying.  The thing you didn’t hear.

Often people say what others want to hear or what is appropriate at the time.  Sometimes, we don’t feel comfortable sharing things that turn out to be critical to be properly understood.

That’s why the little known communication skill we should acquire is to listen to the other side of silence.

Try it today.

First listen (and that can be a major breakthrough because when we think about communication between individuals we often think of speaking not listening).

Then, look for the possibilities that the other person is not articulating.

If someone tells you that they are fed up with their girlfriend, boyfriend or mate, listen for what’s not being said (i.e., “I’m scared to leave and start over”).

If you hear, “I can’t stand this job” you might listen for what may not be said which could be “I have lost my confidence to do the job”.

And even if someone close to you says, “We never agree on anything anymore” listen for what may be hiding in the statement (i.e., “You don’t listen to me”).

“One of the tasks of true friendship is to listen compassionately and creatively to the hidden silences. Often secrets are not revealed in words, they lie concealed in the silence between the words or in the depth of what is unsayable between two people” – John O’Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

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When I was once down and out in my career, a friend of mine, Malcolm Rosenberg, tried to lend me $5,000 to help me avoid losing my house. 

At first, I refused to take it because I could not at that point imagine how I would ever pay it back.

After several tries over several days, he said, “Take it, pay me back if you can.  I am betting on you”. 

Such a deal I could not refuse and because of his compassion and belief in me, I kept my house and survived long enough to catch the next big break.

I said what you may have said at some point in your life, “I owe you” and Malcolm’s response sticks with me even to this day.

He said, “You owe everybody and everybody owes you – that’s the way to think about it because you don’t need a good memory to do the right thing”.

We seem to have no difficulty investing in IRAs and securities, but it is just as satisfying to invest in other people.

No cash, no problem. 

Offer a service, an accommodation.

And always, constant reinforcement in terms of support.

Adopting the attitude that people owe each other even if it is not money transforms the way we think and act.

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The big question interviewers always seem to ask in one way or another, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now?”

It is sometimes meant to be a trick question, but you should hope that they ask it.

The answer?

No one knows what will happen in five years.  I do hope to advance and achieve many goals along the way, but just as importantly, I want to make a difference today.

You’ve heard of living in the now.  This is working in the now.

Employers appreciate people who are honest and direct.  They like humility.  But they crave people who want to be of help immediately.

I can’t honestly recall being able to predict where I am today 5 years ago.  Too much changes – maybe even more today than ever before.

One thing never changes.

The desire to contribute from day one using the skills that you bring to the table now. 

This approach has worked for many of my USC students looking for their first post-graduate job and I wanted to share it with you for yourself, a friend or a family member.

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Why do we let others get into our heads to hurt us?

Yet it happens all the time.  Sometimes we know it’s going to happen and we still let other people drag us down.

A friend wrote to me a few months back and confessed, “I am a failure”.  How could he be so wrong?  Why allow this type of hurtful self-talk.

1. Even when we fail, we actually succeed IF we do not quit.
2. Never let anyone record a negative message in your brain.  Put it on hold immediately and banish the thought from your mind.
3. Consider compliments as validation of the good things you already think about yourself or else compliments can sometimes lead to co-dependence (when we crave what others say but need them to say it to actually believe it).
4. I have known more than one cancer patient who wouldn’t allow themselves the luxury of discouragement.  If they can avoid it, so can I.
5. The best advice I ever heard about dealing with discouragement is:  go to bed and sleep it off.  Wake up tomorrow ready to begin again.

“Defeat should never be a source of discouragement but rather a fresh stimulus” – Robert South

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If you’re great on the phone, why choose email?

If you’re great writing, why use the phone?

If you’re great with people and skilled in human relations, why sit back and let others lead?

We often choose the wrong tools to achieve success.

Can you identify your number one personal trait – the thing that you do better than most others?  (If not, now is the time to think this through).

I had the joy and horror to watch the great basketball player and now TV commentator Charles Barkley hit golf balls at the driving range.

It was ugly.

This big man – talented in basketball and sportscasting – trying to hit a golf ball with the same skill.  Golf was laughable but fine for his part-time passion, but you’ll notice he didn’t quit his day job.

The road to success is shorter and quicker when we play to our strengths.

“Play to your strengths.”



“I haven’t got any,” said Harry, before he could stop himself. 



“Excuse me,” growled Moody; “you’ve got strengths if I say you’ve got them. Think now. What are you best at?” – J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

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I read a piece in The New York Times last week that said if you’re over 50 in the present economy, you may have had your last real job.

Add to that Millennials – 80 million coming of age right now – many of whom have graduated from college to find no jobs and big college loans to repay.

The young folks who find jobs often don’t get benefits like health insurance as part of their employment agreement.  Many are kept to part-time status to eliminate the need to pay their benefits but are expected to remain available 40 hours per week.  How unfair is that?  

And those in the middle know all too well that their positions and careers can be outsourced, “right-sized” or plain eliminated for corporate profit without notice.

How does one live and work in a world of uncertainty?

1. Cooperate with the inevitable.  There is nothing you can personally do to change the way things are, but focus on the ways you can change yourself to maximize that world.
2. Develop skills to work as a “resource” not an employee.  There are fewer benefits to being a full-time employee in today’s economy.  Acquire the necessary skills for the marketplace and offer them to employers with you determining the number of hours of your availability.
3. Spend at least 15% of each week acquiring new skills and making new contacts.  In the previous economy, most workers didn’t get serious about networking for the future until they were out of work.  That will no longer do.
4. No pity parties.  People get rich even in bad economies.  Waste no more time or emotional energy on the bad state of the world economy and dedicate yourself to becoming a new breed of worker – at will, at the ready and loaded with new skills.

Morley Winograd, co-author of several books on Millennials warn, “don’t count Millennials out”.

The way to deal with uncertain employment prospects is to embrace the opportunity to become even more desirable by accepting a new approach to employment.

It was only a few generations ago – perhaps even in your family – when a person would work for only a handful of companies in their lifetime.

And Baby Boomers adapted to a new, faster workplace where they were constantly on the move from one job to the other albeit it in full-time jobs.

Now, the world has changed again and we must be ready to accept and adapt in order to succeed.

“The best career advice given to the young is: Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it” – Katherine Whitehorn

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Fear dogs us constantly – some people more than others. 

But there is an antidote for fear.

It is trust.

Trust in ourselves.

Trust in a trustworthy friend or family member.

If we’re religious, trust in God or a higher power.

Fear is useless but trust is a great healer.  When we retrain our brain to make trust kick in when fear creeps into our lives, fear has met its match.

The fear of failure, loss, unemployment, rejection, speaking before groups of people, and yes, intimacy — the greatest fear of our generation. 

Hit these fears head on by finding someone to trust.

No ideas?

Start with yourself.

“Fear is useless, what is necessary is trust” – Jesus Christ

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Every August, I retreat to the beaches of New Jersey to vacation and this year will be no exception.

I remember Richard Branson saying “If you are fortunate enough to get a holiday, try not to spend it looking at your smartphone every five minutes. Instead, put business at the back of your mind – but not out of your head. I have been on many holidays where I have heard an exciting idea that has turned into a Virgin business. Keep your eyes peeled for a creative idea”.

In other words, relax, but don’t take the summer off from great ideas.

I will bring a list of things I want to think about in my summer office (the ocean) and will decide which of them I want to commit to doing next year.

The summer is free agency – when you commit to how you want to live the next 12 months – not unlike the way an athlete commits to playing a sport for the year ahead.

I have invented businesses, changed my life’s focus, made personal changes and initiated new challenges all from doing one simple thing – relaxing and keeping my brain on.

If you’re interested in trying this, find your “Jersey shore” and proceed as follows:

1. Before Labor Day is Off-Season.  You’re a free agent.  This is where you say “I want to do this for a living next year” or “I want to do this with a special person for the next 12 months”, etc.
2. After Labor Day is Pre-Season Training Camp.  This is where you start to get the skill sets you need for your next adventure.  Before I started my paid media website, I had to learn how to do a paid website and this started in “pre-season”.
3. Your regular season begins after a six-week Pre-Season during which you work to carrying out the plans you’ve made.
4. Then save time for your Playoffs – when you get to perform at the highest level possible to achieve your goals.

“Use the space and time to reflect on the year so far and plan how to improve in the coming months” – Richard Branson

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“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing”.

That was said by the successful and innovative coach of the Philadelphia Flyers hockey team also known as The Broad Street Bullies.

When I first heard Shero’s wisdom, I knew it was worthy of residing on my smartphone, a refrigerator sticky and on my desk.

Say nothing and become the unwitting victim of everyone else’s opinion or point of view.

Do nothing and watch life from the sidelines.

When our voices remain silent and our actions still, we are nothing.

I’m thinking of a quote in my book about Ted Williams, one of the most prolific hitters in baseball.  Williams hit .406 one year, very few in the history of baseball have ended a complete season with a batting average over .400.

Which means – he failed 6 out of 10 times.  One of the greatest ever, only succeeded 40% of the time.  And in baseball today, if a player “succeeds” 25% of the time, they are called a multimillionaire.

So I’ve concluded it is not the fear of criticism that paralyzes us, it’s the fear of not batting 1.000.

“The only average that counts is batting 1.000 at trying”

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I once heard a family counselor say that sometimes non-family members feel more like family than blood relatives.

He also said every family is dysfunctional – some more than others – so get over it.

For those of us who have witnessed the heartbreak of alcohol or drug addiction and other conditions that lead to heartbroken families, there is no ruder awakening than the realization that no one’s family is perfect.

Here are some secrets to a happier family:

1. Forgive, but don’t necessarily forget.

2. Maintain healthy boundaries or risk losing your soul.

3. Communicate – share stories.

4. Eat a meal together – digital devices off (and that means you, too, mom and dad)

5. Build rituals – pizza nights, movies, sporting events, etc.

6. Communicate directly and openly without shouting

It doesn’t take perfection or total agreement to improve family life.

I met a couple who had two wayward teenagers that almost led them to the brink of divorce.  So they rented a Winnebago, set out on a three week summer tour of the nation’s national parks and expected all hell to break loose in that confined space.

But instead, their relationships improved as they did the one thing they were not able to do in their workaday world – focus on each other.

“I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life” – Maya Angelou

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Often sports is more powerful than who won or who lost.

It teaches us life lessons when we observe how athletes face adversity.

Just five short weeks ago, golfer Phil Mickelson failed in a heartbreaking one-stroke loss to Justin Rose at Merion on no less than Father’s Day.  Just prior to the tournament, the father Phil Mickelson flew across the country to be at his daughter’s 8^th grade graduation.  He played bleary-eyed by the time he jetted back to play golf.

Fast forward to last weekend when Mickelson tees off at the British Open, an event in which he barely contends each year and comes back from a 5 stroke disadvantage to win it all.

Sean Gregory of Time Sports suggested why Michelson is such a fan favorite:  “He’ll pull out a driver when he doesn’t need it, like he did at the 72nd hole during his infamous 2006 U.S. Open collapse at Winged Foot, and cost himself the title. Then he’ll leave the driver out of his bag at Merion, when he absolutely needed it on the 72nd hole, to have any shot of forcing a playoff against Rose”.

In one way, Mickelson is very predictable.

Mickelson’s wife, Amy, is a breast cancer survivor.  In his heart of hearts he knows too well that golf is just another game when compared to the game of life. 

Overcoming adversity is predictable once we believe it.

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Here’s what the tough head of the Major League Baseball Players Association said last week prior to the sport’s All Star Game:

“I look for beauty, meaning and joy.  If I find beauty, meaning and joy, that’s a good day”.

Come again?

This is the players’ union leader who fights for their livelihood and stands up to the Commissioner of Baseball across the bargaining table.

Michael Weiner made headlines by commenting on what he looks for in life because he has an inoperable brain tumor with only months, perhaps weeks, to live.  He made the comments from a wheelchair to which he is now confined.

Adversity has helped Michael Weiner see things the way we should see things in life:

“I get up in the morning and I feel I am going to live each day as it comes.  I don’t take any day for granted.  I don’t take the next morning for granted”.

Imagine if, miraculously, Weiner’s brain tumor could be cured and that he could now apply the wisdom that came to him as a direct result of his disease to living the rest of his life that way.

He cannot.

But most of us are fortunate in that we can.

Michael Weiner’s advice to look for beauty, meaning and joy should not wait one more day for anyone.

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Contrary to popular belief, our failures and fears also contribute to building self-confidence.

Positive self-image is not just about a subliminal pep talk, it’s about how we handle life’s challenges.

A few thoughts:

1. Another person may shake our confidence, but we are in control of whether they succeed at destroying it. 
2. Making positive statements about who we are and what our potential can be is the cure for negativity in our lives from those around us.
3. Inner happiness can only come from within ourselves not from external events, sources, riches or luck.  No one can take away inner contentment with ourselves.
4. Identify negativity around us – and cast it out of the minds as soon as it enters.
5. Banish negative self-talk:  “I can’t do this”, “I’m no good”, “People don’t like me”, “I’ll never be able to accomplish this”.  Self-defeating talk stops growth, healing and becomes our way of life.  Choose a different path.

“Loving ourselves is the most important love relationship” – Martin Padovani, Healing Wounded Relationships

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