Can you recommend that your best friend come to work at your company?

If no, what is it about your employer that gives you pause?

Do you know how much you are worth on the market with your skills?

If not, do some research to find out what others with your approximate skills are earning.

If it’s less than you are presently making, ask yourself are you staying put because of the benefits?

If yes, it may be a bad reason considering your personal happiness.

Google has arguably among the best and most over the top benefits for employees and people still leave because benefits are not a good enough reason to postpone being fulfilled.

Have you been given new challenges in the past year?

If not, that will get old real fast.

Are you not looking around because you don’t have the time or because you are afraid?

If you’re afraid, welcome to the club.  We’re all in it.

One of the most compelling thoughts I ran across in the past year was the total uselessness of a company that talks a person into staying after they’ve been given another job offer.

Most of them who opt to pass on that job offer stay for no longer than a year and leave anyway no matter what concessions were offered by their employer.

The same is true with staying in a place that you’ve outgrown.

If you stay for whatever reasons, you’ll eventually go if questions like these are not answered in the affirmative.

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Allowing and accepting negative thoughts can go a long way toward conquering negativity.

Worry and repeated worry intensifies when we try to control negative thoughts.

More helpful …

1. Accept negative thoughts.

2. Standup to them.  Imagine what you would say to someone with your exact same situation.  Whatever you would tell them is what you should do.

3. Nothing is gained by focusing on negative thoughts.  In fact, negativity becomes built into the brain.  It actually changes pathways as documented by MRI’s.

Negative thinking is a part of the human condition.

When it gets out of control and becomes an obsession we cannot seem to break, constantly remind yourself how worrying about your negative thoughts are helping you achieve your goals.

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I’m reading The Power of Off by Nancy Colier who has a lot of good ideas on how to become less dependent on our smartphones (thanks to an article by Jane Brody in The New York Times).

46% of smartphone users say that their devices are something they can’t live without.

Most people now check their smartphones 150 times a day or every six minutes.  I am sure we would deny it.

Colier’s book has a digital detox program which is very timely for parents because we are not helping our children by making them more anti-social and removed from interaction.

1. Differentiate between phone use that is needed such as for work, navigation or letting family members know you are okay vs. what is a habit of responding such as posting and other forms of distraction.

2. New rule:  don’t reach for your phone while eating or spending time with family or friends.

3. Add one thing a day that’s done without the phone.

4. Become very conscious of what is important to you and devote more time and attention to it.

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It was Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling who said:

“And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

This was first uttered when Rowling was working on Harry Potter, out of money, out of work and recently divorced.

Rowling reiterated this message in a 2008 speech at Harvard.

Rock bottom sure doesn’t feel good, but it IS good.

It means there is nowhere left to fall and all this wonderful space in which to rebound.

In doing research for my book, it amazed me how many people were this close to giving up when they felt they hit rock bottom, but they persisted and endured.

There is nowhere left to go but up.

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Here is a photo of the earth taken from the moon.

When we fly in an airplane even as high as 40,000 feet, we barely see the curvature of the earth let alone the entire earth.

When we are stymied by a problem in life, the closer we are to it, the harder it is to grasp the enormity of it and where it begins and ends.

People used to think the earth was flat essentially because that is all they could see of it.  There were no satellites or explorations that would indicate otherwise.

I find this helpful in dealing with problems.

When you know you have a problem, pull back and take a wider view – the wider yet, the more helpful.  I use this imagery because it helps me focus.

The closer we observe our problems, the more limited our ability is to solve them.

A bitter divorce is a battle of money, lawyers, court, custody and other things from close in, but from further back it is the inability of two people – sometimes because of their families of origin and no fault of their own – to work well together as a unit.

Pull back, observe, recalibrate thinking to take in the bigger picture.

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Psychiatrist, neurologist and author Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning is one of my top 5 favorite books of all time.

It’s deep, about his depressing and abusive incarceration in a World War II concentration camp and yet when I read it on the beach, I came away feeling uplifted.

What did Frankl make of the suffering he went through, how did he survive it and what it all meant when he was freed by Allied troops only to find his new bride had been killed in another concentration camp.

“In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.”

That Frankl could find meaning in sacrifice in a cruel world is uplifting to the rest of us wrestling with the ups and downs of our daily lives.

When all else has been taken away and we are in pain, Frankl is saying the freedom to “choose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.” is the thing that can allow people to overcome their challenges.

Today, can we take what is causing us pain and choose an attitude to give it meaning?

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It’s all here in one sentence:

“The secret to living well and longer is: eat half, walk double, laugh triple and love without measure.”  — Tibetan Proverb

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1. Everything you promise, deliver ahead of schedule.
2. And beyond expectations (which means it is key to get others to talk openly about their expectations and then make a note of it).
3. Be a good listener.
4. Have the heart of a servant.  If you aim to please, you will be a rare person in today’s business world.  If the word servant turned you off just now, you may want to get your ego in check.  Humble people succeed more often than arrogant ones who often have a short shelf-life in companies.
5. Readily give credit to others and back it up with evidence (examples).  People who recognize the work of others are almost indispensable.  Giving credit to others cost you nothing, gets you everything and requires no work at all.
6. Be true to who you are.  If your values do not align with that of your employer, look for work where they do.  Don’t wait for the employer to make the move.

Being smarter than everyone else is not as important as working harder than everyone else, constantly focusing on achievable goals.

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Bad days happen to everyone but the goal should be to end the bad things as soon as you realize they are hurting you.

1. Immediately focus on someone else.  It’s hard to be miserable when your attention is not focused on your problems.

2.  Declare gratitude.  That your spouse is healthy.  That you are hanging in there. That your children are growing up happy.  That a parent or two is still on this earth to be a part of your life.  Talk to a cancer survivor to learn how to be happy even with a disease.

3. Come up with a plan.  People who achieve things and are happier tend to be planners.  If your job continues to make you miserable, don’t ignore the signs, make a plan to find a new job.  Let the irritation drive you to success and happiness.

4. Do something you like to do. Exercise.  Binge on Netflix.  Read.  Be with a friend not to bring them down but to lift them up (see #1 above).

No matter how badly you feel.  No matter how bad things are, there is always hope.

Focus on hope.

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Phones are supposed to be tools that help us with our lives, but they are increasingly becoming our lives.

When you are spending an hour a day on social media such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or SnapChat, your phone isn’t working for you.

When you can’t put it down without checking it, you are the tool and the phone is your master.

When you clean up email, scan websites and visit social media rather than start a conversation with another person, your life has been hijacked.

When your phone over a family member, friend or associate is so important that it can rivet your attention, you are being robbed of happiness.  Studies prove it if you don’t already know it.

1. Never keep talking when another person turns their attention to their phone instead of what you are saying.  Stop and wait.  If they insist they’re still listening, continue to wait until they can give you the attention you deserve.  Same applies to you.

2. Before cellphones, dinner was uninterrupted by calls and distractions.  Put that same rule back into effect today.  No texting, peeking, chatting or talking on cellphones while eating with the family.

3. Same is true of business lunches.  I sat with a media exec who put not one but two phones on the table while I tried to ask him to support my student labs at USC.  It was so maddening I almost didn’t care anymore.  I just wanted to leave.  He knew I was irked and said “What can I do for you?” and I said “$15,000 for my students”.  He said, “of course”.  And I got the money but never had lunch with him again.

4. Phones are breeding places for anxiety.  When you feel stressed, don’t just put the phone away, turn it off.

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