The stress we feel at work is made worse when we think about work 24 hours a day whether we are in the office or at home.

You may be a powerful executive, huge talent or high performing salesperson, but at home you are none of these.

You are a co-provider, partner, spouse, mother, father, son or daughter, family member.

The regrets that most people have in their final years on this earth are not that they didn’t work enough, but that they weren’t available to be a part of other people’s lives.

It’s not the hours of days you work.  It is living in the “at work mode” even when you’re not there.  You might as well stay at work all day and night with this mindset.

After Bob Crandall retired as the ironfisted CEO of American Airlines, he spoke at one of my seminars.  I expected this pugnacious exec to be a hard driving, difficult personality.

But Crandall showed up with his wife from whom he was taking orders.  The two of them planned to sail around the world on a yacht and post their observations to celebrate his retirement.

How could this man hated by unions and feared by almost everyone else be such a – well, such a pushover in the presence of his wife?

There’s work and there’s home and Bob Crandall knew the difference.

We can eliminate the stress of feeling like we’re letting friends and loved ones down by being 100% present in their company.

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• Try to see things from the other person’s point of view.
• Consider whether the other person may know something that you do not know.
• Avoid the use of these words “you”, “always”, “never”.  They do not lead to happy outcomes.
• Disagreements are not necessarily bad – see if you can live with what is at the issue.
• Never argue in front of children.  It scares them and teaches them the wrong way to resolve their differences.
• Let go of having to be right if being right means you lose a friend or a loved one.
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I must confess I really like Pete Carroll.

It has nothing to do with team loyalty to the Seahawks.  After all, I am an Eagles fan.

When I worked at USC during some of Carroll’s term there he struck me as a most unusual motivator for a football coach.

Pete Carroll is the guy who lost the Super Bowl to New England in the last minute of the game.  But if ever there was someone who can overcome that weight around his neck, Pete Carroll is the man.

A recent New York Times article points out how former New Orleans Saints all-star tight end Jimmy Graham was “coached” on his new team.  After he dropped a pass during practice, Carroll came running over to him not to curse him out or belittle him into being better, but to counsel him not to worry and just focus more.

The takeaway for the rest of us is to stop beating ourselves up – it never works.  You know you want to be better but to heap more pressure and risk a critical loss of self-esteem is not the answer.

Focus on the present eliminating negative distractions and doubts not useless invectives that all but guarantee failure and unhappiness.

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In today’s digital world it’s getting someone’s attention.

People are distracted from their work, their play, interactions with others and even their sleep.

Media companies full well know that getting the attention of audiences is harder than ever and keeping them focused is even harder.

So is it hopeless?

The solution may seem non-intuitive, but it works.

• When speaking to a person who is distracted stop until you get their attention and then continue.  Don’t be surprised if they just dial you out at which point unless you have the need to continue the conversation, end it until you get their attention.
• Talk in terms of their interest not yours – this is the potentially non-intuitive part.  After all, fighting distraction by getting people to talk about themselves?  Absolutely.  Few people will tune out talking about themselves and their interests.
• In a world where few people live in the present, timing is everything.  Every good teacher knows that people can’t learn unless they are interested in what you have to say so watch for the moment and the signal.
• Don’t use email to communicate.  Email is easy to blow off and you can’t get a reading of the person’s tone.  In person or by phone (yes, phone) if you want to get your message across.

When I was a professor at USC, I would gather in the interest by standing in silence and then saying, I want to share one more thing with you and then we are going to leave class early.

You don’t even have a minute but you have captured attention.

Make your point just like a tweet – in a short sentence.  If they respond, you continue. 

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1. Demonstrate how you add value and have made a difference to the company.  This subtly reminds your employer that you can take these skills elsewhere.
2. Get the facts about your unique contributions to the company.  Most people wing it.  That won’t work. Often your employer may not be aware of all that you bring to the company so this is an opportunity to tell him/her.
3. The exact best time to ask is when your boss is stressed the least.  Makes sense, right?  But often raises are sought when the employee is ready to ask or has assembled the confidence needed to bring it up.
4. Ask for a raise just before you are ready to take on a new significant project or just when you have completed a project successfully.  That’s the right moment.
5. Review time is not necessarily the best time to ask for more money.
6. No ultimatums, complaints or threatening.  You are asking not telling.
7. In the end, asking for a raise is successful not just when an employer says yes, but even when they say no because that no may motivate you to take your well thought out request to a better opportunity.

Know your worth.

In sports when players go to salary arbitration, the neutral arbitrator usually compares the player’s skills with those of players with similar skills, accomplishments and records.  That is their sweet spot and it is usually the arbitrator’s decision.

The same principle works for us.

Compare your skills and accomplishments with those of others and that is your sweet spot.

One warning:  avoid comparing yourself to others in front of your employer.  The request is about your work and your value to the company.

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Face it; we are all prisoners to the cellphone that remains in our hands or by our side.

Oddly enough, most people don’t even use their “phones” as a phone.

The texting, emails, Instagrams, Twitter, Facebook and apps distract us from a balanced life causing stress.

Many people sleep with phones or on the night table next to their beds.

At Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix, I saw a college student returning from spring break so tired she laid out over several seats on her back and took a nap waiting for her flight.

On her stomach was her cellphone.

And when she got a message, she opened her eyes and responded, put it back down on her stomach and closed her eyes.  Great way to get some rest.

We eat with our phones.

Consult them in the presence of others.

Teach our children the wrong way to balance instant communication with living in the present.

A smartphone is only smart when we use it as a helpful tool not a life style.

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An effective way to deal with people who put us down is to let them hang themselves.

Avoid responding.

Avoid expressing feelings of hurt, surprise or disgust.

Just let them stew in their own meanness.

No response is the right response, but it doesn’t mean put up with their abuse.  If someone consistently tries to put you down, you need to get away from them.

But sometimes the put down artist is family or an employer who is hard to get away from.

Make plans to remove yourself from the situation – even if it is family that is putting you down.

When I was in college, I was fortunate enough to get a job at the big ABC TV affiliate in Philadelphia on camera.

Back on campus, a fellow student in the communications program got me aside and said, “How did YOU get that job?” I went nuts.  He then owned me and made me feel bad about something that was really good.

Later in life I learned to use humor to nullify put down artists when I was appointed a professor of music industry at USC, a “friend” of mine said, “How did YOU become a professor?”

My response was “I guess they offered the job to everyone else first and no one was left” making fun of the put down artist who I thought was a friend.

One more thing – never believe a put down.  Even if there is a kernel of truth to it.

The only person who should have access to your mind should be you.  No one else gets to record negative thoughts directly in your brain.

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I and me

The better words are:

You and yours

Even in our current culture of self-absorption having to endure people talking about themselves is an automatic tune out.

Imagine Toyota running a commercial saying “Buy during the Toyota Holiday Event because we need to sell more cars”.

Most people are concerned about themselves and not you.

To avoid turning people off in business, family or with friends focus on the interests of others.

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests and you’ll have the attention of people who matter to you most.

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We remember our faults and keep them burned into our brains.

But we generally don’t remember when we have done well.

Living with regrets – with self-based criticism is an awful thing that can be reversed.

• For every fault you conjure up, balance it with a positive trait (i.e., “my boss tells me I don’t contribute enough” is balanced with “but I am dependable, reliable and work well with others”).
• Only you get direct access into your subconscious.  Even a compliment from another person should be directly delivered to your brain.  Only you get to record in the subconscious of your mind.  This helps prevent growing co-dependent to people who compliment you one minute, take it away another and make you crave their approval to get it back.
• Forgive yourself for not being perfect and join all the rest of the people in the world.  Perfectionism is a great and useful goal but it is a guaranteed path to unhappiness initiated by you.
• Get off your own back.  Forgive, love and protect yourself.

Self-love can never come from another person.

At most they can affirm positive things about you.

Only we can attain self-love.

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Nothing kills relationships more than jealousy.

It’s a roadblock to career advancement.

A detriment to intimate personal relationships.

Haters exhibit jealousy often in a more public way through social media and interaction.

The best defense that strikes at the heart of haters is:

• It’s about them, not you.  Key on that thought when faced with a hater.
• Don’t fight back – that’s what haters want.  Refuse to engage them.  If you fight back, you risk becoming a hater, too.
• Be cool.  Showing hurt or other emotions is what haters live for.  And that’s a tough assignment especially when haters are hating in social media.  Keep your hurt private but find a true friend to help you express your feelings.
• Respond with your strengths.  True self-confidence comes as a suit of armor.  Put your best traits forward not insecurities and imperfections.
• Haters gonna hate.  They won’t go away.  Live in their world by ignoring them and stick to your strengths.

Ted Kennedy was a polarizing political figure.  But he was genial to everyone even his enemies.  Who knows how he really felt inside but on the outside he waved, smiled and lived the life he wanted to live.

Haters know you don’t like them but they also need to know that you’re not about to let it bother you.

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