If Dale Carnegie is right about one more thing, I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Dead for over 50 years, this unique human being and author of How To Win Friends & Influence People never goes out of style even if the stories he tells in his book are a little long in the tooth.

“Ask questions instead of giving direct orders”.

A study published in the September Journal of Experimental Psychology involved 9,000 commuters on the Bay Area Rapid Transit.

They tried two different signs to see which one would make the commuters take the stairs.

One sign contained a question that said, “Stair climbing improves your health. Will you take the stairs?”

The other sign was a command that said, “Stair climbing improves health. Take the stairs”.

The command got a more immediate impact.

Asking for cooperation got the best long-term cooperation.

Different types of communication are appropriate for different situations.

In general if we want to win cooperation, it is better to ask for it.

Take it to the USC classroom where I started each semester by pulling my iPhone out of my pocket and saying, “Would you mind if I left my phone on? I won’t take calls or answer texts while I’m teaching unless it’s urgent. Will you do the same for me?”

I never had a problem – ever – with a rude student on their digital devices.

So they could answer a text, but applied judgment.

They could step out and answer a call if they deemed it necessary. Usually, they didn’t.

Instead by asking for cooperation, you usually get it.

So I’m glad to see more research evidence and thought you’d like to know about it.

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Take Kendall Jenner, the beautiful model from the Kardashian family.

Two other models took exception to the way she looked while having her hair done for the Donna Karan show during New York Fashion Week recently.

One sarcastically said, “she’s never looked better” with a laughing emoji.

Another said, “That’s f*cked up” with more laughing emojis.

Look at the picture.  You be the judge.

The Ford Agency that represented one of the bullies walked it back as a silly comment but only after it went viral as some kind of damage control.

Kendall Jenner has been the target of many bullying attempts that goes to show that even the beautiful are made to feel ugly by not so nice people.

How bad is cyberbullying?

When I was in high school, one guy always used to call me a “bucked teeth duck” every time he saw me – in the hall on the way to class, or walking into class in front of everyone.

It was bad enough to deal with his hurtful comments then just at school.  I can only imagine what it would have been like to have that comment reverberating all over social media.

By the way, I ran into this bully at a class reunion.  We did not speak.

I just smiled so he could see my beautiful white television-ready veneers.

Where is social media when I need it?

The scourge of this great social media revolution is haters and bullies who use something good to hurt people from the safety of their digital devices.

Then, like now, the answer is to push them back.  A bully always runs.

The best revenge is living well and being happy.

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The 48-year-old wife, mother and supermodel allowed this photo shoot image of herself in a bikini to be seen unretouched.

People in Hollywood know that lighting and makeup are an actor or actresses’ best friends.  They are, after all, human and look like humans most other times.  But while they are sensitive to how they look in their profession, our society is too fixated on looks all the time.

That’s why Cindy Crawford allowed her real tummy to show.

I wish I could give the same compliments to Marie Claire magazine, the publication that now stands by the photo.  But someone other than Marie Claire leaked it.  What’s important is that Cindy Crawford stands by it and that’s the right thing to do.

It’s okay to have a belly that jiggles.

Dimples and reminders of childbirth.

Today a lot more women are proud of their bodies because Cindy Crawford is proud of hers.

We can keep it going.

This is a lesson worth learning and teaching to those who look to us for guidance about how to be authentic in more than just words.

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Popular NBC news anchor Brian Williams is disgraced for lying about his participation in covering wars and tragedies like Katrina.  Banned from the air and public appearances at a financial loss of $5 million.

And soldiers who were actually in harm’s way are angry with him, as they should be.   So much so, they outted him.

Now top-rated Fox News talk show host Bill O’Reilly is fighting off accusations that he misrepresented his wartime reporting.

Everyone lies.

But the problem with lying is that when we do a lot of it, the lying seems real and distorts reality.  We believe our own lies.

Ever notice that even when a liar is caught dead in its tracks — they still seem to be in deep denial because they actually believed the lies that they were telling.

The best reason for not lying is a good memory is not required.

The truth will come out each and every time as it is.

So the issue is not whether Brian Williams or anyone else caught lying deserves a second chance but whether they’ve learned the lesson that the more you lie, the more it seems truthful.

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It is no accident that marriage counselors have their work cut out for them when couples show up with issues.

Almost always – one of those problems is a lack of communication.

So, counselors do what they can to get both sides to communicate effectively and honestly and learn to listen to what is being said.  Often it is too late.

I thought the way to a person’s heart was through their stomach.

Not quite.

Or passion.

That, too.

The best marriage advice I ever heard was “learn to be a good listener”.  Some people are born with this skill.  Most of us have to work on it – if we’re smart.

Being a good listener doesn’t mean not having an opinion.

It doesn’t even mean agreeing or giving in.

The heart can only feel what the senses arouse and one of the best – if not the best way to stir up feelings of love is to learn to listen.

Some thoughts:

• Wait until the other person stops speaking, pause a beat (a few seconds or more) and then talk.
• Respond — don’t react.  Reacting is what buys us even more trouble.
• The goal is to learn how to recap the essence of what the other person is saying from their point of view.  Then ask them if you basically heard it right.  Even if you are close, they will be pleased.
• Often our inability to be a good listener comes from our family of origin so rise above your childhood to acquire this awesome skill.

My best friend was so good at listening that when we were having lunch and were interrupted by the waitress in mid-sentence, I forgot what I was saying but he remembered in great detail or as he liked to say “JD, when you speak, I listen” and indeed he did.

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Jim Golay of Casper, WY was diagnosed with a brain tumor last February, but before he died, Jim set up delivery of Valentine flowers through a local florist every year for the rest of his wife, Shelly’s life.

So imagine how surprised Shelly was when her flowers arrived for the first time this Valentine’s day.

Shelly said, “even in death, he’s just amazing”.

It doesn’t take death at the doorstep to bring out the best in us.

Just a little adventure and thoughtfulness.

And the element of surprise!

We are capable of great things when we think out of the box – do the unthinkable.

Acts of kindness and love should be as much fun to do as they are to receive.

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How can it be that an athlete this talented suddenly cannot win?

True, he’s had injuries and personal problems but to watch Tiger Woods play golf and try to do the things he used to do so well – short game and putting – is sad.

Woods, it turns out is as human as the rest of us.  When he gets down on his luck succeeding is tougher.

When we have a crisis of confidence – and it happens quite often in life – the solution is not more pressure, more anxiety or more outside help.

It requires us to adhere to this powerful phrase that I like to repeat often:  “Be the fine person you are”.

That is enough.

Trying to be what you are not will never work for long.

Pressuring yourself to make changes with which you are uncomfortable is not playing your best game.

Recalling the abilities that you already have is the message we should keep in our heads.

I like to repeat:  “you’ve done something like this before, you can do it again”.

All the life coaches and motivational books in the world cannot cure a personal crisis in confidence the way spending 100% of your time focused on being the best that you can.

After all, that’s how we all achieved our original success in the first place.

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There is increasing evidence of a link between depression in college students and their use of social media.

The University of California Los Angeles annual survey shows that incoming freshmen in 2014 had the lowest level of self-rated emotional health in 49 years (over 153,000 first time, full-time students at 227 universities and colleges).

Social media usage has increased with the percentage of students using it six or more hours a week increasing from 18.9% in 2007 to 27.2% in 2014.

A University of Missouri student showed that there is a link between heavy Facebook usage with feelings of envy and depression.

A 2014 Austrian study concluded the more time respondents spent on Facebook, the more they felt they were wasting their time.

Whew!

Psychiatrist Dr. Victor Schwartz of the Jed Foundation says there is an association between depression and time spent on social media.

Maybe this is a red flag for parents.

Or a warning sign for the rest of us that there is no known effect of socializing with others face to face leading to depression.

Consciously seek out in-person contact with others on a daily basis to balance social media use.

Spend time every day being grateful for something – especially little things that we take for granted.

It is no accident that the increase in depression among the general population coincides with expanded use of digital contact.

Each year more antidepressants are dispensed than any other drug category.

Yet there is more depression each year than the previous year.

More drugs – more depression.

Perhaps the better prescription is balance, gratitude and live contact with real people face to face.

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There is a chemical in our brain that has only been traced in couples who have been in love for less than two years.

It has never been discovered in anyone in a relationship for more than two years.

In that initial stage, the smell, touch and even thought of the object of our love is like catnip.

After two years, not so much.

Now this doesn’t mean people do not love deeply after two years or have great passion for each other.  It means that they need an Act 2.

Part of Act 2 is to master the three L’s.

1. Listen – Truly listening and being able to accurately relate the sentiments of others back to them is an awesome power.  To be blunt, almost no couple that has mastered the skill of listening to each other breaks up.
2. Love – When the words “I love you” become augmented with specific acts attached to the words, we have fully loved another person.  Acts of sacrifice, consideration or appreciation fuel true love that transcends when love chemicals in our brain are no longer aplenty.
3. Lead – We don’t live on this earth to give orders or take orders.  We were put here to lead.  Use our God-given skills to show the people we love options for success and fulfillment.  There is no one leader in a good marriage.  Everyone leads.

There are many things that can enhance a relationship after those first few crazy years but all of them pass through the three L’s above.

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Those of you who know me personally will probably never believe that I was painfully shy as a child – so shy, my teachers encouraged my parents to force me into a children’s theater group to break out of my shell.

I hated it.

And hated that I felt trapped in my own body.

But then around 16 – and fueled by my almost impossible desire to be a disc jockey – I started coming out of it.  And oh yes, maybe my parents were right to push me into appearing before large public audiences in high school.

Today, even my closest friends laugh when I tell this story.

YOU shy?

Why would a shy guy become such a loudmouth – okay, at least someone with an on-air radio and TV career?

And that is because I learned how to not fear being in public – Today, I love audiences and love to perform.

But – and this is the point – underneath, I am still a shy guy.  I love my time alone.  I can walk on the beach forever but at some point, I like some balance and want to return to other side of my personality.

I taught public speaking for many years and encouraged my students to be themselves – don’t imitate what you think a speaker should be.

Speak about that which you have earned the right to speak about and you will always be compelling.

Be humble and show your humanness.

Some of the best speakers are very shy and some of the worst look so slick and polished that in your heart you know they are not real.

Shy is an incredible gift of introspection.

The only time shyness is a liability is when it stops you from being yourself in public.

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