78% of 2,698 people in a VitalSmarts survey report an increase of rudeness online.

Rudeness and insulting behavior are ending friendships and two out of five social media users have cut off contact after an online fight. One in five have reduced face-to-face contact after an online altercation.

Manners lag behind technology and with 67% of online adults now using social media (Pew Study) this is becoming a problem.

Some of the survey respondents said they were still not talking to family members after two years after a fight that resulted from posting an embarrassing photo of a man’s sister when the instigator refused to remove it and in fact sent it to all his contacts for spite.

When people talk about workplace associates on social media, it invariably gets back to the subjects.

There are ways to play nice and play it safe at the same time:

1. When you feel a conversation is getting too emotional to be out there online, it’s time to take it face-to-face.
2. From VitalSmarts:  three rules that could improve conversations online were to avoid monologues, replace lazy, judgmental words, and cut personal attacks particularly when emotions were high.
3. Don’t hit send if what you send cannot be read before a jury in a court of law – this one works for me every time because it forces one to think about how a third party might perceive what is being said.
4. When it doubt, leave it out.

Increasingly our lives are online and on social media sites, there is no Emily Post yet but there is emerging “netiquette”.

“Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say” – Craig Ferguson

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That 84-year old Florida grandmother who won a $590 million Powerball jackpot recently is taking a lump sum settlement of $370 million due to her age.

That ought to buy a lot of happiness, right?

It’s not starting out that way.  The young, gracious woman who let Gloria MacKenzie ahead of her because she didn’t want to see an old woman standing in line too long is getting nothing for her consideration.

What’s worse, she was buying tickets for an office pool and her fellow workers are not too happy.

Of course, even if the winner didn’t get to cut ahead, there is no guarantee the good Samaritan would have won the jackpot – tickets are sold from a main computer by the split second. 

All of this highlights the reality that most people who win large lottery jackpots wind up destitute.  Now, that wouldn’t make a good TV commercial, but it is true.

People change when they have so much money and those around them change as well.  The winner often winds up the loser; sometimes homeless and without a penny left as incredible as it may seem.

But one sure way to hit the jackpot is to take a gamble on your ability to follow your dream.

It’s a sure thing and it is far more rewarding in the long run.

“Forget the lottery.  Bet on yourself instead” – Brian Koslow

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Once we fail, we understandably protect ourselves against more failure.

This can be an unintended consequence of self-preservation but what it is not is a good way to succeed.

We have human potential every day. 

Endless possibilities are out there at all times.

And we have to put it out there at all times to succeed.

When I taught the Dale Carnegie Course I used to lead a chorus of chants with class members that included the phrase “act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic”.

Why?  Because we can’t think ourselves into enthusiasm.  We have to do it first and feel it as a consequence of taking action.

The same is true of success.

If we disregard the fear of failure. 

Push forward with abandon. 

Chase our dreams. 

Let no one stop us. 

Settle for nothing less than fearlessness, we automatically succeed whether we attain our specific goal at the time or not.

To live this life to the fullest, we must live this life to the fullest.

“The man (person) who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare” – Dale Carnegie

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Perhaps you like The Haggler who writes in The New York Times as much as I do.

The column takes up for the often tough fights by ordinary consumers to get satisfaction from companies that have wrong them.

The other day, something caught my eye that I want to share with you.  It was one of the most effective ways to show your dissatisfaction with a product or service without having to turn yourself into something you don’t want to be.

The Haggler unsuccessfully tried to get the attention of DailyCandy and turned to his Twitter account.  He sent a post asking for someone to help.  

No one ever replied.

Then, as an experiment, The Haggler turned to Twitter and tried the same thing with a company he had no complaint with but that had a good reputation for customer service.

He also changed his approach.

The Haggler tweeted the following:

“I am not happy with Quicken Loans! And you can tell because I used an exclamation point!

No shouting.  No obscenities.  No threats or boorish behavior.

The response came within hours:  “How can I help?”

True, you have to be dealing with a company that cares, but the fastest way to complain about a consumer issue is to be honest, direct and public in your request for attention.

“It’s not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change” – Charles Darwin

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A new Harris Poll Happiness Index indicates that Americans are not as happy today as we were just two years ago.

Minorities, the disabled and college grads were less happy than they were previously.  Only a third of the poll said they were “very happy”.

It could be the job market.  Or the sequester or for that matter political issues like immigration.  Women were happier than men (35% vs. 32%).  Independents (32%) were not has happy as Democrats and Republicans (35%).

What is happiness?

One of the best definitions I have ever seen is from Martin Seligman, a well-known researcher in positive thinking and author of Authentic Happiness.  He says it comes in three parts:

1. Pleasure (the “feel good” stuff)
2. Engagement (“good life” or work, family, friends and hobbies)
3. Meaning (using our strengths to contribute to a larger purpose)

Of the three, engagement and meaning are the most important to living a happy life.

Sometimes it takes a roadmap to find where we want to go.

“Happiness is not something ready made.  It comes from your own actions” – The Dalai Lama

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Quicken Loans, one of the most lauded new age companies for customer service teaches their employees that “clients don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care”.

That is awesome advice not just for business but also for personal relationships.

Too often we care but we don’t show it.

We care, but we don’t say it.

Imagine how our lives would be different from today on if we adopted the mantra, “first, show you care” before we try to persuade, dissuade, sell, ask or anything else for that matter.

Dale Carnegie always said his human relations principles are worth nothing if they are not applied sincerely and the same goes for this.

So, try it today.

Do no asking or telling until you show you care.

“Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care” — Theodore Roosevelt

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Arguments often degenerate into a poorly run debate in which each side sees their goal as trumping the other person’s previous claim.

My mother used to say, “You can never talk a person out of their politics” and was she ever right.

In fact, we may not be able to convince anybody that our position is the right one on many other things.

So, change strategies.

The best way to get someone to listen to our point of view is to acknowledge right up front that we heard something they said that opposes what we believe.

Most people argue to be heard so if we can somehow communicate, “message received” they are more likely to hear us.

Arguments can turn into shouting matches, insults and hard feelings so the goal is to make sure the other person is heard before we speak.

And to be realistic.

You don’t have to “win” an argument; you just have to make your case because if you become the “winner” somebody has to lose.

The best way to win an argument is to avoid it.

The best way to communicate your feelings, thoughts or ideas is to acknowledge the other person’s comments first.

“No one can persuade another to change.  Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside.  We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or emotional appeal” – Marilyn Ferguson

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Researchers from Washington State University analyzed a billion tweets during American sporting events including the 2013 Super Bowl and discovered that being confident makes you more popular than being right.

What’s worse is that the louder or more confident the tweets sounded, the more trustworthy and popular they were.

I know this is Twitter, but Twitter imitates life these days.

In life, the loud, confident person looks like they know what they are talking about even if they are all wet.

So the question is:  should we act more confident and speak in louder tones to make people believe us and like us?

First, a thought.

What if we were louder, sounded more confident AND knew what we were talking about?

And that’s the secret to being a persuasive person.

All style and no substance is a dead end.

Before trying to persuade another, make sure you have a legitimate argument that can be substantiated.

“To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; credible we must be truthful” – Edward R. Murrow

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A family member or dear friend cannot be replaced, but in healing we learn how to accept their death and find a new place for them in our lives as we move on.

But death isn’t the only great personal loss.

The loss of a job or career can be catastrophic.  Those who successfully move beyond career crises rebuild their lives not just searching for a new job.

The loss of youth must be dealt with by everyone and not just the elderly.  A 40-year-old is not a 21-year-old and those who navigate through aging in a healthy way do it by looking forward to the future not being stuck in the past.

The loss of a marriage or a meaningful relationship calls upon us to first heal and then learn from what may have gone wrong so that we can become better mates and partners.

The secret to overcoming great personal loss is not the obvious replacement of what was lost with something else.

Some things just can’t be replaced.

We surmount great personal loss when we add some great personal gain. 

Nothing is sadder than a person who fails to create situations in which they gain new experiences, opportunities and friends.

Loss must be offset by gains.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live” – Norman Cousins

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I heard Claude Julien, the Boston Bruins hockey coach who won a Stanley Cup a few years ago and has led his team to the finals again this year, say he has had his present job for six years and has been fired 5 times. 

It goes with the territory.

Julien is right. 

We no longer live in an era where we can expect to work for one to three companies in our entire career.  Millennials are lucky to find a good job and Baby Boomers have worked for as many as three times the number of employers than their parents worked for.

What’s noteworthy about Julien’s comments is that getting fired is now an accretive part of pursuing your career ambitions.

But we have to change the stigma that surrounds it.

I was once fired for increasing a major market radio station’s ratings from 400,000 listeners to 1.1 million.  That’s right, fired for succeeding.  And that happens a lot today because decisions on firings are made by venture capital owners and market leaders and by the companies who follow their lead.

By the way, the guy who fired me murdered his wife and killed himself for allegedly stealing from the boss.  No consolation but it shows you that the decision maker doesn’t always think straight.

So, time for a change of attitude.

Getting fired today is not all that personal an affront.  It’s often an opportunity.

Do not waste time wallowing in the hurt and self-pity that can be generated by losing your job and refocus on the wonderful opportunity to move on and succeed another day.

“You’re fired!  No other words can so easily and succinctly reduce a confidence, self-assured executive to an insecure, groveling shred of his former self” – Frank Louchheim

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