“If we only wanted to be happy, it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, which is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are.” —   Charles de Montesquieu, writer/philosopher

We humans are sure competitive – happiness alone is not enough, we want to be happier than others.  True happiness is simple, but our constant comparison to others—who we imagine are happier than they really are—makes it nearly impossible. This is what I tell my young NYU college students:  measure your happiness only against your yesterday, not against anyone else’s today.

We’ll be off until the new year. Cheryl and I send you every wish for happiness!

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SPOILER ALERT:  I’m going to brag about my music business students.

I very recently had BMG Records VP JoJamie Hahr visit with them to discuss the industry, careers, pitfalls – the worry about AI artists replacing humans, you know – a great list of topics that they researched and questioned her on.

But what was different was at the end, each one (there were 25 present) told her why what she said that resonated with them and cited specific evidence so as to avoid mere flattery. The speaker has been a guest in prior classes but she whispered to me under her breath “this is my favorite part”.

Parents often get a bad rap, but they must be doing something right.  Giving unsolicited praise backed up by evidence is the most powerful and memorable “thank you” anyone can get and these young folks delivered.

Legendary NFL coach Bill Walsh used to say “Nothing is more effective than sincere, accurate praise, and nothing is more lame than a cookie-cutter compliment.”

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I have several friends currently fighting cancer and it is such an inspiration.  Their positivity. Their gratitude. And hope.  I am feeling a gift from each of them.  I’ll give you an example:  one person is in Chicago and spending his time counseling other people – he says the more he thinks about them, the less he worries about himself.  His resolve seems to increase with his ability to focus on others in the present.  Resuming life’s tasks is another inspiration I have been fortunate to witness.

Studies on post-traumatic growth show survivors often report deeper appreciation for life, stronger relationships, and a clearer sense of purpose—sometimes rating their overall well-being higher than before diagnosis.

It’s not that the threat vanishes; it’s that priorities crystallize. Everyday moments gain weight. Gratitude isn’t forced—it’s earned through recalibration. “Enjoy every day without worrying about the next.”

Or as Stanford’s Cancer Supportive Care puts it “The threat of death often renews our appreciation of the importance of life.”

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As a dj and radio program director, it always impressed me how spending 3 to 5 hours alone in a studio with no windows and too small for a mousetrap could make audiences feel like they’re not alone.

Today most radio stations do all or the majority of their programming with voice tracks very often piped in digitally from out of their locale.  Maybe it’s why radio listening is declining among all age groups. I knew a talk show host who did his show lying down on his back – he didn’t have a bad back but a good way to focus on each individual.

So, I’m thinking being alone in a physical location does not mean that you cannot connect with others – the modern version is Zoom or FaceTime.  But the technology is not as important as the frame of mind.

It’s not the physical presence that creates connection — it’s the intentional attention to an audience (even of one), something automation and detachment cannot.

Master communicator Walter Cronkite with audiences in the millions put it like this:  “You don’t talk to a mass audience. You talk to one person at a time.”

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A lot of people won’t admit it, but here’s the truth: most of us are running on fumes — doing everything for everyone and wondering why nothing feels finished.  The real problem isn’t that we have too much to do.  It’s that we’ve stopped putting ourselves on the list.

Burnout researcher Christina Maslach confirms chronic stress comes from no recovery window, not from hard work itself.  Even a small bit of recovery time breaks the burnout cycle.  Research shows that even a small patch of protected time — ten minutes that actually belongs to you —  starts reversing the burnout pattern.

Author Etty Hillesum sums it up:  “Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.”  

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Every day starts with two choices: drag yesterday forward, or give today a clean slate. Most people never even notice they’re carrying the whole week on their back.

You get two options when the day begins: replay yesterday or rewrite today. Most people hit “repeat” without even knowing it.  People perform better when they perceive they are starting from a fresh slate — a new day, week, or goal.

Researchers say most morning stress isn’t today’s problem — it’s yesterday’s residue best dropped on the floor before you go to bed.

“Always we begin again” — St. Benedict

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We humans are tough – on ourselves.

Psychologist Tim Pychyl (Carleton University in Ottawa) and his procrastination research show people consistently misjudge their own progress by comparing themselves to imagined or idealized versions of themselves — not reality.

A 2020 study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin finds people systematically overestimate how far behind others they are because they see only their own struggles but only others’ outcomes.

People feel “behind” because they compare their messy reality to everyone else’s highlight reel — a psychological distortion proven in multiple studies.

Or as Teddy Roosevelt said “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

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I know a 94-year-old man who is a priest and family counselor recently called back from New Jersey to Chicago where his Order is headquartered leaving behind many clients a thousand miles away.  But he’s not done.  Illnesses couldn’t stop him.  Moving away didn’t either as he conducts virtual sessions.  Oh, he’s going to be doing podcasts soon.

With him, it’s not about age as long as he feels able.  He told me he is going to die with his boots on – that, he never worries about the future because no one – even someone 80 years younger – can predict it.  And he dismisses the past because you really can’t live there.  It’s inspiring to see someone on a mission and deriving such joy from living in the now – today, this moment without regard to what the future may bring.

That attitude also helps us reduce anxiety and worry – because we have learned to get pretty good at solving problems, something many of us forget.

Time only works against you when you stop using it.

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.”  –Thoreau, Walden (1854)

People buy lottery tickets to outsource hope — it’s safer than betting on themselves.

Buying a ticket takes seconds. Betting on yourself takes time, work and consistency.  If the ticket loses, no shame. If you fail at something you tried, it feels personal. Lotteries give an immediate hit of anticipation. Personal goals pay off slowly.  Lottery odds are fixed. Life odds aren’t — people prefer certainty, even when it’s bad.

A losing ticket isn’t your fault. A personal setback feels like it is.  The lottery lets you dream without responsibility — betting on yourself doesn’t.

Of course, you can always make the odds better by choosing one small action you can control instead of a chance you can’t.

Leave it to a Roman philosopher (Seneca) to conclude:  “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”

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When my daughter was young, she had a collection of Barbie dolls that she loved to play with along with dad – why me?  I provided the voices and personalities for half of her collection.  But today, companies like Curio are producing chatbot dolls that use WiFi to let AI do the talking.

These stuffed animals can run up to $100 and instead of encouraging play, they are replacing it.  Names like ChattyBear the A.I.-Smart Learning Plushie and Poe the A.I. Story Bear.  But I’m heartbroken to learn Mattel, maker of Barbie has entered into an agreement to let Open AI do the talking.

Once my daughter during a play wedding ceremony between Barbie and Ken, officiated by asking a question I guess she heard but didn’t understand:  “Do you take this man to be your awful wedded husband”.  I cracked up.  Not lawful wedded husband!

AI is either going to be the greatest thing that happened to civilization in 100 years or a big bust but it’s a warning that nothing can replace the human imagination.

As film producer Joss Whedon says “The nice thing about human beings is that they just go ahead and make up stories and that’s what we have always done.”

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If you could visit the farmer’s market with me every week, you would see me stand over the string bean bin and hand pick each — one at a time.  I learned this from watching my mother as a child.

Why do you think they called them string beans?  They’re not always tender. Now, they are green beans.  Who knew?  Even when the farmers tell me in advance that the beans are tender – I still buy only the hand-picked ones I have dug through.

In a way I make friends the same way – welcoming all, choosing the ones that feel just right — careful, deliberate.

As Oprah put it:  “I am very careful about the people I choose to be close to. I pick my friends the way I pick my vegetables—one at a time, and only the very best.”

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In the Inner Game of Golf, Timothy Gallwey assures players that when they lose confidence in their putting, it’s okay to switch putters.  It’s not necessarily the science behind it, just the keen understanding of humans that sometimes we should try something new.

The great radio program director John Gehron who famously dominated Chicago airwaves with his programming, often takes a different walk to work – sometimes delighting the rest of us with photos of what he discovers.  John posted this note with a glorious picture:  “The 4th Presbyterian Church on Michigan Avenue is where we were married. Walked by the other day during the week and the doors were open for visitors.”

Sometimes the best discoveries aren’t new at all — they’re just waiting for us to notice. A small detour. A new tool. A fresh way of seeing what’s always been there.

That’s the inner game: the courage to change something, and let it change us back.

From educator Jessie Potter to Henry Ford the insanity of doing the same things over and over is encapsulated in this:  “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” 

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Phillies Hall of Fame slugger Mike Schmidt’s most famous quote about Phillies fans reveals a complex relationship but he had an odd way of crediting them with helping drive him to greatness, stating, “Philly fans helped drive me”.

“Philadelphia is the only city, where you can experience the thrill of victory … and the agony of reading about it the next day”.

It makes you wonder: do we sometimes steal our own joy, downplaying our triumphs before anyone else can? Maybe the real work isn’t just winning — it’s learning to celebrate what we’ve earned. Before we rush to the next challenge, we should fight to hold onto the thrill of what we’ve already conquered.

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I watched a Flyers game against the mighty Edmonton Oilers the other night – it was close until the Flyers scored a goal within the last 30 seconds to win 2 to 1 – the coaches high-fived each other and the players on the bench were jubilant except, they didn’t win the game.

One of their players was offside and the goal was taken back.  The game went to overtime and the Flyers were the ones to lose 2 to 1.  Often, the celebration begins too early in life for whatever reason and a win sometimes turns into a loss.  The Flyers coach said he was proud of his players.

But there’s something strangely useful about moments like that. They remind us of how fast things can flip — and how quickly we can recover, reset, and take another shot. The goal didn’t count, but the energy was real. Sometimes the near-win is what sharpens you for the one that actually sticks.

As Baltimore Orioles manager Earl Weaver said back in the day “The moment you think you’ve got it made, you’ve made a big mistake.”

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I am encouraged by the fact that the college students I work with are not big fans of artificial intelligence (AI).  They are music majors who have seen the rise of fake singers on Spotify and many worry whether the humanity of song writing and singing will survive this moment.

AI is here to stay – how much it reshuffles our lives, we cannot say.  The human touch, the need for emotion that is so far largely absent from AI bots is the case to be made for human beings.

“Now And Then” — the last Beatles track, revived via AI from John Lennon’s demo—snagged a Grammy for Best Rock Performance, blending tech with raw human emotion to honor legacy.

AI amplifies humanity’s irreplaceable soul, not erases it—your students’ worries fuel the fight to keep authenticity front and center.  AI makes a lot of mistakes but even if it attains perfection, keeping authenticity front and center is the antidote to artificial.

“AI as a tool in music-making is fine, but it’s always going to be the humanity in music that makes people want to listen to it.” — Jacob Collier, Grammy-winning composer.

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You can waste a lot of energy trying to live in the future.  It sounds great, but it has drawbacks.  I see young college students obsessed with their futures and hoping to be successful, but they get trapped – the economy, layoffs, fewer internships, pay.

Don’t let your mind get ahead of itself.  It’s the present that counts.  You will deal with what comes next on that day. The future depends on how you handle today. That keeps you more in charge.

The past is a file to refer to, relive or learn.

The future is a blueprint – remember, blueprints are updated and changed constantly so it is nothing more than a tool.

Now is currency – it’s all we have and it’s a better place to reside – less anxiety, more happiness.

Greek Philosopher Epictetus said “The present moment is the only time over which any of us have any power.”

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I’ve often said I come from a long line of worriers – my mom being the chief and I have battled it all my life.  When you worry, it is usually based on non-discrimination – in other words – worry about everything.

Recently a friend told me how he fights the good fight taking the time to give himself credit for how good he really is at solving problems (worriers rarely give themselves credit for victories they have).  I have known him for a long time and he rattled off the many ways I have handled challenges large and small over the years.

I’m sharing this because I have not been able to get this out of my mind – how we actually are good at solving problems.  I guess, we’re so busy adding new worries that we don’t take the time to appreciate our own resilience.

One key – live in the present with the skills that we’ve somehow honed in our lives. We never know what happens tomorrow, so don’t focus on tomorrow — just today.

“You’ve survived 100% of your worst days so far. Remember that.”

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Apple CEO Tim Cook has been on the hot seat for taking what appears to be a cautious approach to artificial intelligence – the stock has been punished, doubts exist that they may be left behind in the AI boom yet the company just reported record profits, sold a lot of new iPhones in just one week.  The Apple Watch seemed like a flop until it caught on using a focus on health not time or connectivity.  The popular ear buds were a joke when they came out but they are considered a must have – a new iteration is even better.

So, which is right?  Is it better to be first or best?

Trying hard to keep up, stand out or remain ahead is distracting – it causes mistakes, lost vision of the future and simple answers to complex problems.

Then there is this:  “Speed is irrelevant if you’re going in the wrong direction.” — Mahatma Gandhi

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That is the wonderful description by health advocate Arianna Huffington – the voice that puts us down, strengthens our insecurities and doubts.  It comes out most when we’re stressed, and our guard is down.  Making resilience the goal is a partial answer.  It makes us more able to handle moments when we start to doubt ourselves.

Joining a health club or paying attention to physical health has many benefits but it’s often difficult to see the importance of building resilience as if it was a muscular thing.  I see this all the time with young college students who are quick to blame themselves if something goes wrong.  I can smell mid-terms and finals a mile away.

Vincent van Gogh put it in a most memorable way:  “If you hear a voice within you say ‘You cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.”

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Dr. Amit Sood reminds us that it is not just what we say to each other that matters, it’s how we say it and doggone it, he makes an example of his dog. If he said “Simba, you won’t get any treat today” or “Simba, you are a bad dog” in a kind and loving voice, Simba will continue wagging his tail. But if he tells Simba he’s the best dog in the world in the meanest voice, Simba would cower down.

Sometimes the way we say things is even more important than what we say.  “When you speak harshly to yourself, you stimulate the same brain areas that activate when the brain experiences bullying”.  We actually bully ourselves!

One workaround is to smile with your eyes during the day – it’s difficult to self-bully when your eyes are smiling or as Dr. Sood says “Speak to yourself as you would to someone you love—because you are.”

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