Within the next few weeks I will make my annual pilgrimage to the Jersey shore for all the obvious reasons and one not so obvious.

That’s when I become a free agent every year and I use the beach time to think about what I want to do in the year ahead.

My career.  My personal life.  My yet unfulfilled dreams.

Sports figures are lucky.  They get to negotiate and renegotiate not only their salaries but where they want to play and how long.  But so many of us just keep going until something happens that makes us have to deal with it.

Like getting fired.  Or burned out.  Or discouraged.

Here’s my mission:

• Do I want to keep doing what I do for a living next year (and for me next year starts in September) or am I ready to make a change?  Add a challenge.  Drop something that is not rewarding.  I had a close call with death this year due to a familial aneurysm I didn’t know I had.  You can believe I am seeing things very differently now that I dodged that bullet so I can hardly wait to see what I decide.

• What am I worth?  Most of us accept what our employers decide we are worth and when they are taking bonuses while cutting our salaries, does that mean we are actually worth less?  In sports, arbitrators use similar situations, skills, accomplishments to determine a player’s worth.  That works for us, too.  How do we perform compared to others?  Not how does a company compensate us.

• What new skill sets do I need if in fact I want to begin to change how I work or spend my time?  Often we just hit up Monster and apply but acquiring new skills are critical to career growth and satisfaction.

• Remember, you are signing a one-year contract with yourself.  You may decide to do what you do for one more year but that’s it which tells you that you have 12 months to acquire the skills necessary to go on.

I love becoming a free agent.

I don’t know what I will decide to do because I’m going to think it through.

But one thing I am NOT going to do is miss the opportunity to become a free agent in a world with so much opportunity.

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•  I’ve done it before and I can do it again.
• Do the things you fear to do and the fear will go away from you.
• Never fear making a mistake because mistakes are always a rehearsal for future success.
• Talk to yourself in a way that you would talk to someone you really love.
• Self-confidence comes from what you think of you; not what others think of you.

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Ric Elias had a front row seat the day Captain Chesley B “Sully” Sullenberger glided his flight down on the Hudson River barely missing the George Washington Bridge in January, 2009.

Every passenger survived their close call with death for which Sullenberger’s cool, calm skills have been rightly acclaimed.

But Elias put into words a wake up call that I want to share with you.

How his close call with death changed his life.

1. Don’t postpone anything in life. Elias said, “I learned that it all changes in an instant … We have this bucket list, we have these things we want to do in life, and I thought about all the people I wanted to reach out to that I didn’t, all the fences I wanted to mend, all the experiences I wanted to have and I never did.”
2. Don’t waste time on things that don’t matter.  Elias said he hasn’t had a fight with his wife in years. Don’t be right. Be happy.
3. Find the most important thing in life.  Being a parent. A friend. Work can rob us of our ability to be friends and spend time on which becomes so important when we believe we are down to our last few seconds of life.

Does it take a near fatal plane crash to know what is really important or can we get to it by thinking about what our priorities would be if we had only a few seconds left and we got a second chance?

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This dangerous step up from regular cyber bullying involves humor and ganging up on someone in particular.  Dangerous because the humor part often masks the meanness of intent.

So as each year goes on adults and children both are being exposed to bullying from people who will not look them in the face to deliver their invectives.

Schools are investing a lot of time and effort into preventing bullying with minimal results.  Social media – a misnomer for sure – is the dangerous weapon.

Cyber bullying is not going away.

The best defense is a good offense from people who are comfortable being authentic.

To children, never let anyone else record on your hard drive (brain). 

To adults, bully’s go elsewhere when they see a person is truly comfortable in their own shoes.

And that’s where the answer is to be found.

No one is perfect.

No one is worthless.

And no one ever gets direct access to your brain without you first deciding whether you will let it in.

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Study confident people and you will see the one quality they all have is the ability to use past successes to access future success.

In other words, they remember the things that made them feel great, powerful, effective and happy and they use a technique to unleash what worked for them in the past once again.

Most people forget about their successes as impressive as some of them are and concentrate on the negative.

To get a boost of confidence, try this …

I’ve done it before and I can do it again.

If I don’t believe, why am I asking someone else to?

Confidence is a perishable item.

When things are going great, we tend to have a lot of it.

When things are challenging, we need a boost.

But the boost must come from within.

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Millennials are big dreamers but you don’t have to be 18-34 to follow the passion that drives you.

I had a student at USC ask me “when do you stop pursuing your dreams for something more stable?”

My answer surprised him.

Never.

This does not mean you don’t work and pay the rent but why would you do anything to stop your dreams from coming true?

Not everyone can be a recording artist, but I have plenty of friends whose lives are defined by the music they continue to make.

Entrepreneurs seem immune to the idea that there is anything they cannot do – as it should be.

A young man challenged me one time and said, “I want to work in the South Sea islands creating awesome vacations that travel agencies could never imagine”.

My answer was, sounds like a good business to me.

The essence of what we are is defined by our hopes and dreams.

Never voluntarily disconnect your life from them.

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Very few people are good listeners.

In fact, most of us talk too much about ourselves.

Self-absorption runs rampant.

But if you desire to be a better listener, here are some secrets …

• Tune in enough to be able to repeat the essence of what a person is saying to you when they stop talking.
• Resist the temptation to match every comment they make with a comment or story about you.
• Becoming a great listener is about consciously drawing out a narrative from someone else without judging it or trying to top it.
• Good listeners are curious people – by instinct they want to know more.
• Ask questions, don’t make statements.

One of the many advantages of being a better listener is that people are drawn to you.

How ironic?

The less we say and the more we listen, the more people feel connected to others.

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Rejection isn’t just not getting the job or promotion you wanted.

There is something more dangerous than that.

The fear of rejection that lurks in our minds.

Strong affirmations of confidence can disable this fear of rejection that can dog us in business, personal relationships and life.

I will never fear rejection because it is a small and temporary risk to take for betting on success. 

Almost everyone who has experienced rejection has lived to overcome it.

Sports teams don’t take the field fearing a loss — even the worst teams think they have a chance to win the game on any given day. The possibility of rejection is a small price to pay for a chance to win.

The fear of something that may never happen and if it does will probably make you stronger is a waste of energy.

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Talk to anyone who is successful in this world and you will see that they almost never rely on other people to build their self-confidence.

But for those struggling with self-esteem, it is not uncommon to see how much they are affected by the words and actions of others.

This alone is an important revelation because self-confidence comes from ourselves not from others.

Never outsource confidence.

Nurture it by being honest and authentic with yourself.

“It wasn’t easy to stand up for myself at that presentation because it was stacked against several employees, but I did it and felt good about it.”

“I’d love to meet my perfect mate, but I realize that I have to love myself in good times and bad before I ask another to do it.”

“No one succeeds 100% of the time.  Even the best baseball hitter ever, Ted Williams who batted .400, was out 60% more times than he was on base.  When I believe I will not quit, that is more important than the outcome.”

Stop looking to others for that which can and should come naturally from within.

Talk positively to yourself and you will react in kind.

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During a recent illness I discovered which friends and family members were there for me out of sincere concern.

This touched me very much and also got me to thinking.

How much of our lives do we spend with people who do not have this level of concern for us?

Among the surprises, people whom I saw as acquaintances but who acted more like friends with their outreach.

Amazed as people who one would expect a high level of concern actually showed less or none at all.

Nothing introduces you to yourself and your friends more than adversity and one of the blessings is to appreciate how nice and kind people can be even when you have not previously considered them your inner circle.

This prompts the question – should we spend our time with people who care about us the most?

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For the person who has everything, how about giving them the gift of your time.

In our Pokémon Go world where we are all distracted by augmented reality or just the omnipresence of social media, face time one on one is a valuable commodity now.

Some ideas …

• Sit down in close proximity face to face with another person without digital devices.  Open mouth.  Speak (and don’t forget to listen).

• Tell a child that you are going to put your phone on the table and ask them to do the same thing as you go for a walk together free of outside distractions.

• Tell your family you love them every night by having dinner phone-free and you take the lead.  Surveys show that parents more than even teens fight to stay tethered to their phones.  This sends a positive message.

• In a healthy relationship with another person, you want to aim for an equal amount of time without digital distractions than with them.

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Maybe it’s the fact our world is so connected but there appears to be an outbreak of worry affecting us these days.

Forethought – the ability to look ahead is fair game.

Fear thought – worry for no good reason at all can lead to unhappy lives and terrible outcomes.

If you find yourself worrying more these days and liking it less, a few ideas …

• A proven fact is that the majority of what we worry about never comes true and when it does, it is rarely the way we feared.  Translation:  colossal waste of time.

• Getting the facts and weighing the facts is an effective way to stop worry in its tracks.  Worry is fueled by irrational thoughts (what if he fires me?).  So when that worried feeling starts hitting your stomach, get the facts straight (am I really going to be fired right this moment?) and weigh the facts (I don’t like this job any more than the company may like me – time to look around).

• Let go of it – sounds hard because we rarely do it.  Set a time limit – say, today.  For today, I’m not going to spend one second worrying about my blood test that has me so concerned.  I will accept it and deal with it when I get it.  And so you will.

• Beware of the fear of other people.  I don’t know about you but more than once I have had my worst fears underscored by a well-meaning person who fuels the flames instead of calms you down.  From now on, do not give anyone permission to inject even well-meaning concern based on their life’s experiences.

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” – Leo Buscaglia.

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That’s what privately held Hilcorp Energy gave each and every one of their employees for a Christmas bonus last year.

Every one of their 1,381 employees from the receptionist to top execs.

And it isn’t the first time billionaire owner Jeffrey Hildebrand paid bonuses.

In 2010 he set a goal to grow the company by double over 5 years. He offered employees their choice of a $50,000 car or $35,000 in cash.

In today’s world of venture capital greed, cash dollars as a reward are very unusual.

But believe it or not, most employees will settle for a lot less.

Over the decades research shows that the number one thing employees crave from their bosses is appreciation which last time I checked is free.

And that the ability to actually do their job unfettered by corporate politics even outranks money as a motivator.

No one is turning down money, but the fact is that most people will happily accept a lot of other things in lieu of it proving once again that all of us have the ability to deliver big bonus impacts at no real cost at all.

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This smartphone game is all the rage.  The location-based augmented reality game has people so distracted that they are walking into cars, trespassing and ignoring their surroundings.

Players capture, battle and train virtual Pokémon (pocket monsters) who appear in the real world using GPS and the camera of compatible devices.

The problem is not that the game is fun and addicting.  It points to just how unappealing parts of our real lives may be in comparison.

People worried that we have become prisoners of our digital devices have every reason to worry as we find more and more ways to withdraw from the real world for the world of augmented reality.

Here’s a text from the Moorestown, NJ police:

Advisory: If you’re out taking part in the Pokémon GO game, respect residence and business property. Do not trespass! 

And if you’re concerned that we are turning into a world of robots chasing our lives on the smartphones, here is a way to achieve a healthy balance.

For every minute devoted to games and augmented reality experiences on digital devices, match it with in-person, 100% present face time with real live individuals.

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1. Trust
2.  Inability to effectively communicate
3. Fear of intimacy

Inability to effectively communicate comes from not being able to listen, not the notion that expressing yourself better is the problem.  It is ironic that we spend so much time worrying about how to communicate when it is the exact opposite skill that accomplishes the goal.

Trust is everything between people.  Once it is breached, it is a hard thing to overcome.  Look at trust as the ticket to admission for a healthy relationship.  Do everything you reasonably can on your part to be trustworthy.  Without trust, it is hard to be close to another.

Fear of intimacy is the number one problem in our society.  This means that we are reluctant to let others see us for how we really are and it applies to not just those who we are close to but to all the people in our lives.  Fearing closeness is never a good thing.  Rise up and get the courage to be the person you want to be in every situation.

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Nothing will kill your chance at success more than “I can’t”.

Most of us – if we are to be honest – do not need others to limit our potential because we are subconsciously doing it in our mind with limitations such as “I can’t”, “not possible”, “not for me”.

One strategy is to reject others who put such limitations on us – i.e., your child gets 3 A’s and one B and your first comment is, “What did you get the B in?”

The other is to take this vow today – this very morning – to stop saying “I can’t” and replace it with one or all of the following.

I will. 

I can try real hard.

I’d love the chance.

We can reprogram ourselves to think in the affirmative, reject the limitations directed at us by others and always believe that we have a can do attitude.

The difference between winners and losers in sports is the attitude of possibility and this same statement of positivity works in other areas of our lives as well.

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The last thing any of us need is a better “To Do” List.

In fact, we are multitasking ourselves into madness, frustration and increased anxiety.

If you want to see real change in your daily life real fast, make a “Don’t Do List” – the things that are in your purview that you have consciously decided to not do.

Nothing pays dividends more than this.

Over 50 years ago an author named Alan Lakein came up with a system of prioritization that would have you organize everything in A’s, B’s and C’s

A’s must get done today.

B’s are tomorrow’s A’s.

C’s are on hold.

The on hold tasks are the ones I discovered never get done so why not relegate them to a “Don’t Do List”.

Being more efficient is not going to make us happier.

Doing more things every day is not going to make us richer.

Multitasking is contributing to high anxiety.

Some things just shouldn’t be done at all and knowing the difference and putting them in their place means everything.

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The murders of innocent Black people caught on cellphone video incite the masses.

Innocent Dallas policemen just looking to protect the rights of protesters to speak at a peaceful rally gunned down by a lone gunman with hatred in his heart.

And all this replayed over and over again on traditional and social media.

Makes it tough for people who reject this type of behavior or who have children who are witnessing what appears to be the unraveling of America as if it were the 1960’s all over again.

Living in a world of racial violence requires small, steady steps of positivity that will in the end prevail over such hatred and violence.

1. 99.9% of America is made up of good people who do not condone nor encourage racial violence – a statistic worth remembering because you won’t hear it on social media or television news.
2. Focus on the first responders, the people who do good in bad situations – this is our hope because it represents the majority of Americans.
3. Hatred now travels at the speed of social media that explains why shootings and even arrests are streamed live on sites like Facebook.  We need to govern our use of social media to allow a moment of context. Social media is an excellent source of exposing wrongdoing but it is also an excellent source at starting a riot.

A day after the Dallas shootings in a post office far away in Moorestown, NJ a black father never let go of the hand of his son – not for one moment. He experienced no threats or cause for concern but to neutralize the less than 1% of the popular that harbors hatred and hurts people, it is our responsibility to show our humanity to others and remind them that we are all one.

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I recently met a woman – a nurse – who had just returned from Ecuador for one year helping the poor and sleeping on the floor of the village’s only schoolhouse every night.

As I professed amazement, she lovingly told of the people and how kind they were even though “they had nothing”.  They lived in poverty.

But whatever she could do for them they appreciated.

Their way of showing gratitude was to prepare a meal using all the food they had gathered for themselves for the week ahead.  (And she said you had to eat it all lest you insult them).

There is goodness all around us.

And people who have “nothing” that have everything.

Surveys show the happiest places on earth tend to be the South Pacific islands where people live virtually stress free which is why even we can’t invade their islands and get them upset.

What is nothing and what is everything?

Gallup tells us $70,000 is the average income of an American family of two earners where the most happiness is reported.

And when a couple makes $80,000 together each year their income may go up but their happiness doesn’t increase in kind.

My takeaway is this.

Happiness has less to do with how much income we make and more to do with living a less stressful life in deep gratitude for what we have.

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A lot of time and money is spent on trying to get us to change ourselves.

Improvement programs, books, apps, psychologists and counselors.

I prefer to think of it like this:  we’re unique.  There is only one of each of us on this planet and for better (and sometimes worse) that makes us special.

The focus should be on unlocking that which is already good about ourselves more often, bigger and more dramatically.

For instance, someone could spend a lifetime trying to live up to the expectations of others and fail when we have one or two special attributes that get lost in the self-improvement program.

We might be an unusually good listener.

Or a good friend.

Or generous.

To spend a lifetime listening to others who would have you become what they want is a zero sum game all the way around.

The time spent on trying to be what we’re not is subtracted from the time we have available to be all the good things we are.

Improve?

By all means.

But unlock more of the good stuff first.

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