Is it possible to live without stress in our lives?

But I ask, is it necessary to relinquish all stress or just get it under control.

When I taught public speaking I used to tell my students, don’t work on not being nervous, just try to get the butterflies to fly in formation.

Stress is necessary but an imbalance of stress is what hurts us.

Take action.

This is easier than it sounds because we all really know what is stressing us out.

So pick three things – no more.

Say, stress at work, stress with your spouse and feeling overwhelmed in a fast moving world.

Target them and choose just one thing you can do to mitigate each one.  Only one.

Stress at work – change the way you work, write down tasks, build in breaks, avoid stressful or unpleasant people to the extent that you can, make sure you are working at something you really like.  If not, work to change jobs.

Stress with your spouse – declare a day when you give up as many things as you can that come between the two of you.  See if you survive.  You will likely find that this is the easiest stress reliever you’ve ever tried.

Stress of feeling overwhelmed in a fast moving world – Take a yoga class or take a walk alone.  Talk to yourself.  Ask the question:  “Is this thing that is killing me really worth it?”  And put a stop/loss on it.

Good stress makes us competitive.

Bad stress is that which, believe it or not, responds to just about any positive step to recognize it and change things.

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There should be a moratorium on death at holiday time.

That unsettling feeling that time is growing short for relatives and friends that we really care about.

There are no shortcuts to grieving – the necessary step we must all pass through dealing with the loss or anticipated loss of a loved one.

Often the months or years left with an individual we care about are strained because we feel the stress and anticipate the loss in many negative ways.

One helpful thing may be to be grateful for the time you have had together.

Gratitude is like aspirin – it works on almost everything.

Instead of counting the days left, emphasize the days we’ve had together.

When we fear the end, focus on the beginning and the middle – it can be so rich and soothing.

Let go – not of hope, but of control.

Magically, letting go makes us feel like we have more control over things.

In fact, these principles are not just good when we anticipate the loss of a loved one, but enrich relationships that continue along at any age.

Nothing can rob us of beautiful memories except the fear that life cannot continue endlessly.

Live for today.

Visit the past as if it were a file cabinet and close the file when you’re done.

And see the future as a perishable gift that is not ours to give but ours to rejoice in.

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A recent New York Times article said many people in a survey say they have lost confidence in the chance to live the American dream.

The American dream is the ideal that every US citizen should have an equal opportunity to achieve success and prosperity through hard work, determination, and initiative.

Dreams or ambitions are the fuel that drives our lives.

When we give up on them, we run the chance of losing life.

I propose a Dreamers Bill of Rights:

• A day without a dream, hope or aspiration is a day that has no meaning.
• Be vocal in stating your dreams – to speak them is to take the first step toward realizing them.
• No dream is ever realized without bumps along the way – sometimes significant roadblocks. Expect them. People who accomplish that which they set out to do tend to use each discouragement as a recommitment to staying the course.
• And my favorite – this is what I do – see that which you aspire to vividly in your mind’s eye. Not, I want to make money. Or I want to be happy. See in living color all the things you envision that money doing for you.       Or picture the happy moments you want to achieve specifically – as many as you can. The more you can see and envision what you aspire to, the more driven you will remain to achieve it.

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The psychiatrist Viktor Frankl survived concentration camp during World War II only to be freed from internment to find his wife, father, mother and brother had been killed while he was in prison.

Yet Frankl wrote the most inspiring book I have ever read Man’s Search For Meaning — a book he cobbled together while he was held captive under the worst situations often memorizing key thoughts and crudely writing down what he could on whatever he had available.

Man’s Search For Meaning in the end was about hope.  How do you come away from horrific pain and loss such as Dr. Frankl endured to write a book about hope?

The answer is summed up in Frankl’s own words:  “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:  the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way”.

I first read this book on a northern New Jersey beach that overlooked the Verrazano Narrows Bridge and Southern Manhattan including what would later become the ill-fated World Trade Center.

These thoughts bolster me when adversity strikes close to home.

That no matter how out of control my situation may seem, I don’t ever have to give up my ability to choose my out.

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Two choices.

You can try to change people.

Or accept them the way they are with faults and all.

Trying to change people will suck the life out of you, exhaust your patience and ruin whatever joy you have earned the right to appreciate.

Accepting people – friends, associates and yes, even family – for what they are – fallible human beings.

As the author Amit Sood, MD puts it:  “I stop enjoying what I am trying to improve”.

A powerful message at holiday time.

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Kindness.

Being kind even to those who are not kind to us is infectious – and yes, in some ways that kindness reaches even the most remote person.

May I share something powerful I learned at a seminar?

When you feel down or depressed, go to a public place.

Walk through that space making eye contact with 20 people – as you look at them say to yourself “I wish you well”.

It is not necessary to approach them and say it – they might think you are crazy, anyway.

But many will smile back at you and you most certainly will decrease your loneliness and lift your spirits.

Forgive deficiencies in yourself and others.

Be thankful for that which you have even if it is not what you want at this time.

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The choices:

Get more money.

Or rein in your desires.

There is certainly nothing wrong with taking steps to make more money but cutting back our desires is another useful path to happiness.

As I used to tell my USC students in Los Angeles – all the excesses epitomized in Beverly Hills, Bel Air, Holmby Hills or Benedict Canyon really don’t make people any happier.  When the laughter died down, I explained.

The more money we make, ironically, the poorer we often are.

Gratitude for what we have tempers the continuous desire that more is better.

Studies show that of two groups – one on the receiving end of a gift and the other giving that gift away – the group that gave instead of received rated themselves happiest.

In other words, we have enough to feel happy at this very moment.

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Don’t do it.

95 million Millennials are leading the way toward a diversified life as the “slash generation”.

A New York Times article asserts that this generation defines itself by a “slanting piece of punctuation”.

Forensic Psychiatrist/D.J. Researcher/Baker. Life Coach/Writer/Singer.

The forward slash of texting and online bios turns out to be more significant than just work/play, friend/lover.

This generation is different from previous ones that held separate jobs to pay the bills. Millennials take on many personas to have a more creative life.

Split duties and more than one job or pursuit are nothing new.

The message is to follow your dreams and make as many of them come true as you can.

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Not a new iPhone – although that’s not a bad #2.

It’s granting someone special their special dream.

As a program director in radio, I always did a Christmas contest known as “Christmas Wish” because it put audience members on the air caught in the act of doing something for someone else.

It not only makes great radio, it makes great holiday spirit.

You see, the best gift anyone could ever receive is the gift of helping them achieve their dreams.

Even for kids.

And certainly for those close to us.

And it doesn’t mean you have to buy something for them – you may just have to help enable them to seek their dreams and overcome the negativity around us that gets in the way.

A spouse who wants to make a difference can be spurred on when you encourage them to take a course while you commit to remaining home with the children one night a week.

A teenager who dares to dream about a non-traditional future (dancer, singer, president of a company) doesn’t need money to make their day – they need your support, which of course, is free.  Being a cheerleader and coach costs nothing but time.

A friend who can’t get back to see their ailing parent for lack of funds, can achieve their dream when you (and others) contribute small amounts to make it possible.

Christmas has become such a consumer holiday that it often ends with little meaning and nothing transformational for us.  It is a religious holiday, but if it isn’t for you, the holiday season can be an excellent time to remember that in giving you receive – and giving doesn’t always mean spending money.

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Now that the NFL has reinstated former Baltimore Ravens Ray Rice after video showing him beating his fiancé (now wife) unconscious in an elevator, the question arises – does everyone deserve a second chance?

Many teams don’t want to touch Rice and a few others are pursuing the talented running back under the guise that everyone deserves a second chance.

Putting this specific case aside, second chances are usually permitted in life when the perpetrator has shown remorse, undergone some meaningful maturation or change and is desirous of overcoming that which brought them down.

Second chances are earned not entitled.

Some of the best outcomes have been the result of second chances but be aware that often the same things happen again the second time around.

The difference being – remorse and the burning desire for a new course.

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Why does it seem that it takes great adversity to force us to make great changes?

Pain is transformational.

Being out of work when we are so talented makes us more willing to do whatever we must to overcome adversity.

Pining to meet the right person who would make our lives complete often drives individuals to spend time to agonize over the qualities they really want in another person not the obvious and that can change our availability for healthier relationships.

That which is unfair – say, losing a perfectly healthy kidney because of the one kidney stone you’ve ever gotten in life – makes you value and appreciate your good health and stay motivated to right the wrong through a determined healthy lifestyle.  I know it did for me.

There is no getting around that it takes pain to produce pleasure.

It’s the human condition and if you look back to how you’ve achieved all that is pleasurable to you, you may also find that adversity had to be overcome with acts of determination.

Here’s what really makes a difference.

When you experience pain in life, constantly remind yourself that it is this very pain that will in time transform your life into something much better.

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A familiar figure haunted by rumors of sexual misconduct is cut free by NBC where Cosby had been developing a new television series.

The trusted Dr. Huxtable under suspicion of rape.

To be sure, Cosby has admitted to nothing wrong nor has he been charged or convicted of the rape charges that a number of women have come forward to allege.

At issue is objectifying women at the least and criminal behavior at the worst.

I came across a group called Women Against Rape in the Philadelphia area that worked with victims and their partners to overcome the many effects of being violated sexually.

One of the first things that you learn is that rape is more a crime of anger than the forced desire of sexual pleasure.  We learn that the perpetrator is often angry at a female relative and acts that anger out against their victims.

A few thoughts regarding the Cosby situation …

1. Stay off of pedestals because they are easy to fall off of.
2. Power tends to corrupt so give away your power to maintain it.  Trying to accrue it often leads to inappropriate behavior of one form or the other.
3. Trust is fleeting.  We earn it moment by moment.  No one is declared trustworthy for their entire life.  It would be wise for us to trust people when we can continually cite a reason for that trust.

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You get good at what you do to get rich.

Getting rich doesn’t make you good.

Often college seniors are looking for big paying jobs when they graduate from college and who can blame them – most are saddled with college debt that will likely hang over them until they’re well into their forties.

But that’s a mistake.

Two things that successful people always do:

1. They make sure they are in the right building – that is, the right company, the right place, the opportunity that makes their passion burn red-hot.
2. Wealthy people are good at what they do first and they make their money second.  Not the other way around.

So the best advice we can give ourselves or to others is to dispense with notions of making more money and become obsessed with the excellence we can produce.

Opportunity and excellence go hand in hand.

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Every year at this time I like to share a simple way that can add meaning to just about anyone’s Thanksgiving holiday.

Yes, even with drama queens, warring family members, distracted behavior and a growing abundance of self-absorption.

When you gather at the dinner table, someone made that dinner (perhaps with help).

Or you dine out, someone paid for that dinner.

Here’s how to make a Thanksgiving so meaningful it will fill your heart with joy.

You be the one who speaks up before a fork is lifted to show recognition for the person (or people) who made Thanksgiving possible.

“I want to thank you, mom, for all the love and hard work you put into this day”.

That’s it.

Others will add their own comments – it’s like you being the first person to get up and dance at a wedding – others easily follow.

If you decide to try this, please feel free to comment below or contact me personally here.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It amazes me how often people say they are going to do something and never do it.

I get that their promise could simply be a good intention but good intentions become good deeds by following through.

Even salespeople fail to follow up when you’re a potential customer – this is not only bad sales training, it is disappointing others.

The cure is to take ownership of that which you say you’re going to do.

If you say it, you own it.

But that pertains to us.  How about others who let us down?

Unfortunately it is part of the human condition – making promises that cannot be kept.

So since we can’t control others, we can control how we hear promises.

And for every promise made to you, quietly add, “This is only a good intention”.

Then be grateful for every promise kept.

And be realistic about every promise broken.

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The only reason we have a problem with being wrong is the mistaken notion that we always have to be right.

No one is always right, yet saying you’re wrong is something you rarely hear.

If a ballplayer gets a hit one out of four times, he is out (or wrong) 75% of the time and is considered a success – probably a multi-millionaire.

The few people I knew who are not threatened because they are often wrong are a joy to be around.

They listen more intensely.

They seem more human.

And phrases such as “I got that wrong” roll off their lips with ease and almost pride.

Dale Carnegie said admit mistakes quickly and emphatically.

Emphatically according to the dictionary means “in a forceful way”.

How often does that ever happen?

So being wrong is not so bad.  In fact, it is often good.  Why carry around the great burden of always having to be right?

One more thing.

When we are right, it is more rewarding to let someone else tell us before we talk about it.

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It’s good when we consider both the pros and cons of our decisions rather than just dive in and wantonly take chances hoping for the best.

But for many, this seesaw process relegates them to inaction.

They miss the train, miss the trend, miss the relationship, and let the opportunity get away.

Some gamblers don’t have this problem because they expect to win and they are surprised when they lose.

I like that thought but not when the deck could be stacked against me.

I’d like to share something that offers the right dose of caution with the balancing dose of positive expectation.

It’s from Apple founder Steve Jobs who adds two important elements to the decision making process.

Your heart and the inevitability of death.

“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

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Millennials hate voicemail.

Then again, older people do, too but they tolerate it more easily.

Voicemail wastes time when the alternative is a text message or email.

Millennials figure it usually isn’t important unless they get a message by text.  That’s a significant generational change considering that there are 95 million Millennials and it might be helpful to consider to whom you are communicating.

And we’re getting so time conscious that “swiping” the text message keyboard instead of punching the letters in makes it lightning fast to send messages back and forth.

We’re getting a little too tied up in efficiency and not concerned enough with effectiveness.

Voicemail is almost useless unless you can do something on the phone that you can’t do by text and of course that is nothing because we can also text our voice.

Email is often burdensome because we run on and on – a short, well thought out email with an accurate title will almost always get results.  A long one, not so much.

Texting can also be irritating when the back and forth keeps going beyond the point of usefulness.

Choose your weapon and then go to work but for every moment you save in efficiency spend that time thinking about the actual message itself.

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The Dalai Lama has a suggestion that really works.

Think of everyone as a young child.

Doing that allows you to be more patient and understanding with the people in your lives and dealing with their issues that may be affecting you.

Imagine the compassion that most of us automatically have for young children that we do not have for adults who make us miserable.

Once we think about the things that compel other people to cause unhappiness we can’t help but to be more compassionate.

Use the patience we have with children to understand the motivation of those who are seemingly impossible.

This approach is far superior to trying to change people (which never works) or calling them out for their shortcomings.

By seeing impossible people as a young child, they seem less threatening and allow us to understand the behavior that often upsets us.

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The upcoming holidays are supposed to be happy days.

After all we see media fantasies about a level of happiness that is simply not possible where human beings come together at a time of great stress.

Add family to that and we often have the recipe for unhappy holidays and worse yet relationship disasters that we pay for well into the next year.

Let’s change some of that this year.

1. These are your holidays, too.  You are not required to make yourself miserable and unhappy to make others happy.
2. Give for the sake of giving and don’t expect or even accept a report card for your efforts.  You have Thanksgiving dinner because it makes you feel good to do it.  You pick up a dinner check because you want to.  Keep expectations low and motivation high – giving is your personal reward.
3. With humans, expect ingratitude and when you get appreciation accept it as a special gift you were not expecting.
4. Troublemakers – sometimes in our own families – should not be encouraged.  Walk away and avoid fights because you will never win them and tolerating such behavior almost always encourages more bad behavior. And the holidays bring the crazies out of lots of families.
5. The best suggestion I ever heard to get around all the mayhem from holiday family gathers comes from the Mayo Clinic Physician Amit Sood who says take a moment to count the number of holidays you have left with family members – moms, dads, children, relatives and friends and just knowing there is only a finite number left will change the way you experience your time together.

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