The upcoming holidays are supposed to be happy days.

After all we see media fantasies about a level of happiness that is simply not possible where human beings come together at a time of great stress.

Add family to that and we often have the recipe for unhappy holidays and worse yet relationship disasters that we pay for well into the next year.

Let’s change some of that this year.

1. These are your holidays, too.  You are not required to make yourself miserable and unhappy to make others happy.
2. Give for the sake of giving and don’t expect or even accept a report card for your efforts.  You have Thanksgiving dinner because it makes you feel good to do it.  You pick up a dinner check because you want to.  Keep expectations low and motivation high – giving is your personal reward.
3. With humans, expect ingratitude and when you get appreciation accept it as a special gift you were not expecting.
4. Troublemakers – sometimes in our own families – should not be encouraged.  Walk away and avoid fights because you will never win them and tolerating such behavior almost always encourages more bad behavior. And the holidays bring the crazies out of lots of families.
5. The best suggestion I ever heard to get around all the mayhem from holiday family gathers comes from the Mayo Clinic Physician Amit Sood who says take a moment to count the number of holidays you have left with family members – moms, dads, children, relatives and friends and just knowing there is only a finite number left will change the way you experience your time together.

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I came across a paper by Elizabeth Dunn titled “If money doesn’t make you happy, then you probably aren’t spending it right”.

Previously, I shared research that indicated that on average in the United States, the sweet spot for being happy on what you earn is $70,000 a year.  That may not sound like a lot of money but researchers found that making more than $70,000 on average did not increase happiness in the opinion of those who participated.  Obviously, the number to be happy in Hawaii is higher.

Dunn proposes 8 principles to help get more happiness for the buck.

1. Buy more experiences and fewer material goods.
2. Use your money to benefit others rather than yourself.
3. Buy many small pleasures rather than fewer large ones.
4. Eschew extended warranties and other forms of overpriced insurance.
5. Delay consumption.
6. Consider how peripheral features of your purchases may affect your day-to-day life.
7. Beware of comparison shopping.
8. Pay close attention to the happiness of others.

So we know that making above a certain amount doesn’t make us any happier, but that there are at least 8 ways to get more bang for our buck on what we earn.

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People who seek attention, show jealousy, talk behind our backs or unfairly judge us somehow seem to win the attention nice people should be getting.

Why is that?

Sometimes you can bend over backwards to be thoughtful and nice – and yes, you get some gratitude but somehow the needy “drama queens and kings” get more positive attention.

That’s because society is addicted to bad news (duh-look online, TV news, haters, etc.).  No one cares about the nicest person in the world, attention always goes to the one with the most bizarre behavior.

This is apparently a human condition that is not very nice and it begs the question how should we act if the more difficult person gets the most positive attention.

In the end, it is not what others think of us but what we think of ourselves.

In my book Out of Bad Comes Good – The Advantages of Disadvantages I share my routine.  When shaving in the morning, I look in the mirror and ask, “Are you the person you want to be – honest, a friend, compassionate, ethical …?”

Remarkably, people who are centered in their own self-confidence and therefore less needy attract real admirers.

The world appreciates a person who is authentic in as many ways as possible.

You can sample Out of Bad Comes Good – The Advantages of Disadvantages at no cost here.

1. Nurture a few relationships that are important to you.  These people are your best resource for dealing with the basic human need for support when we face recovering from short or long-term anxiety problems.
2. Remember this quote from none other than Shakespeare:  “assume a virtue if you have it not”.  This is my favorite tool — my constant reminder to assume that I have what it takes in any situation instead of right away letting a thought creep into my mind that I don’t.
3. Not all anxiety is bad and it is amazing that we can tolerate more anxiety than we think, but when our health, quality of life or relationships start feeling the toll, seek professional help.
4. Sometimes anxiety is caused by expectations we, or others unfairly put on ourselves.  For every anxious thought, also include an appreciation of gratitude for that which we do right.
5. Anxiety makes us feel like we are losing control but the irony of life is that we gain control by giving up control.  Sometime this morning, try giving up control of something that bothers you and see how it feels.

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Our phones are in our palms.

Tablets and/or laptops nearby.

Social media on 24/7.

Looking for Instagram opportunities all around us.

And then, there is work.

The challenges of working in the office or virtual makes it a lot more difficult to power down when the day ends.

Because now, work never ends.

Unless we turn to our own devices.

1. Gradually disconnect from work activities at the end of the day – choose one at a time and in your mind power it off.
2. Set limits to accessing work after work hours.  Exceptions can be made but generally close the virtual door behind you when work is done.
3. A powerful alterative to shutting down is seeking more social interaction in person and through digital devices.  Just because we can be connected to work constantly doesn’t mean it is good for us so replace work with social things.
4. When work issues come up in off hours, make a digital note to deal with it first thing tomorrow.

Hard work is the road to success, but all work all the time isn’t beneficial for our careers, relationships or health.

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Haters are not just jealous.

They don’t necessarily want to be you.

They simply cannot be happy for success so they focus on something that is wrong about that which is good.

Or, something wrong about you.

Haters are a creation of the times in which we live – the unparalleled access to each other’s lives through social media connections and the digital lives we live.

Calling out haters just gives them more attention.

Using the word almost justifies their behavior.

I treat haters the way I treat jealousy although they are two separate things.

You’re going to have to trust me on this.  Okay?

Use compassion first and then you will shed them.

For example:  “I feel really sorry for him/her having to put me down when I have accomplished so much”.

The moment you do this – show compassion for their depravity.

You are responding (that’s good) instead of reacting (not so good).

Try it.

Share it with family and friends.

Nip haters the moment they strike by doing the one thing that neutralizes them – feeling sorry for their bad behavior.

And if the hating takes place on social media – go through the same drill privately.

Never give haters a larger platform to ruin your good thing.

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The one thing about successful people is that they are seemingly allergic to the word “no”.

When they hear it, they immediately get to work.

Some people become discouraged when they first hear “no”.

Dale Carnegie always said to get the other person to say yes, yes. That’s two yeses. And then you’re on your way.

Here’s how I see it:

1. Eliminate “no” from your vocabulary. When you hear it, start working to get to yes.       You may be surprised how good you can be at this.
2. When you are prevented from getting that which you want, welcome it. Really!       Because the more you hear “no” and the more you get working to accomplish your mission the more you really want it.
3. Nothing worth happening landed in the lap of anyone who didn’t fight naysayers along the way.
4. “No” is temporary. Yes is permanent.

If you don’t get the job you want, let the rejection propel you into doing what you must to get in on the next try.

If you’re not chosen, fight harder.

Lose the election? Try again.

The irony of a life well lived is that the things we value most are often out of reach until we step it up and prove to ourselves first how much we want it.

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You can never seem to do anything right.

They are the ones who take the credit.

They treat you like you are subhuman but expect that to motivate you.

They make you uncomfortable.

They are jealous.

It seems they want you to fail – it makes little sense.

Here’s the rule of thumb.

If you love your job but hate your boss, dig in and outlast that person because even the most powerful abuser of human spirit gets it in the end.

But if you can find fulfillment in a similar or different job elsewhere, leave with dignity and be more diligent about the type of person who will become your next employer.

In the radio industry over the past decade, good and loyal employees have been treated like slaves.  A bad economy and their love of radio have kept these fine people in harm’s way.

Millennials would rather quit a job where they are mistreated then continue working for someone they don’t respect.

This is forcing companies that want to succeed to change the way they talk to and work with employees.  After all, there are 95 million Millennials and it does matter what they think.

In the end, our careers are in our own hands.

Never let anyone get into your head and tamper with your dreams, your desires or self-esteem.

When that happens, it’s time to stop them.

No job is worth holding if you pay for it with the way you feel about yourself.

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There is almost no hurt greater than to lose a friend.

Friends are hard to come by.

We have many, many acquaintances in life but real friends can be counted on the fingers of one hand.

And yet, what was once so close can also inflict great hurt when a trusted friend turns on you.

I don’t know many people who have not experienced this pain – including young college students not just limited to adults who have lived a great deal of their lives.

There are no easy ways to nurture the hurt but there are ways to get back on track after the loss of a friend.

• There are many reasons for breaches in relationships – among the most likely is jealousy.  Plainly put, jealousy kills friendships.
• Leave the door open to reconciliation and forgiveness down the road if and when the offending friend also realizes the hole in their life that was created when they stopped being a friend.
• It is helpful to remember that your other friends need you and that they should not be subjected to undo ruminating over someone else’s loss.

Concentrating on being a friend is a better use of time than ruminating over the friend someone else wants you to be.

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I read a most encouraging article in The New York Times recently called “A Natural Fix for A.D.H.D”.

It reminded me of a music industry student who sought me out the day before he attended my first class.

As I recall, he said, “Professor Del Colliano, I have four different types of attention deficit diagnosed”.

To which I replied, “Well don’t you worry, we’ll work with them”.

But I’ll never forget his response which was “Oh, it’s not a disadvantage.  It’s an advantage”.

And the Times article went on to suggest that people with attention deficit – an estimated 11% between the ages of 4 and 17 may simply be craving more excitement, more stimulation.

Plainly put, they may be bored.

That’s why a smart professor will lose those PowerPoint slides and do interactive teaching.

And why we shouldn’t define our children as being damaged when they actually may be more suited for a different age – the hunter/gatherer era of history in which they would have been best suited to the dangers of life before our agrarian society was born 1,000 years ago.

Take the limits off.

Rest the preconceived notions.

We’re treating people who are good and smart and loving and kind as if they had a disease when it may well be that their minds are restless and looking for new challenges.

Every “disadvantage” has an “advantage” – that is the main lesson of life.

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Yesterday I found myself quoting word for word two friends of mine that are no longer on this earth.

“Never outgrow your zest for enthusiasm”.

“Adversity introduces a person to him or herself and to those around them”.

Wynn Etter, the Dale Carnegie sponsor for whom I worked for many years, lived by his pledge of enthusiasm.

And Jim Weinraub, also a Dale Carnegie associate and friend, was wise in ways I thought I knew then, but really know now especially when it came to observing the human condition.

How I would love to hear them again.

Or hear my mother remind me that “every dog has its day” when I faced disappointment.

It is true that special people cannot be replaced, but the best way to keep them alive – to keep a clear memory of them advancing in the future – is to quote them, talk about how special they are, share the gift of their joy or wisdom with others who have never met them.

Life is a continuum and we don’t get to decide when we must say goodbye to special people, but we can keep them alive in our minds and hearts every day by not forgetting the specific things that made them special.

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Change is difficult.

Sometimes it even seems impossible and we grow frustrated and give up.

Change is a scary word.

Politicians use it as if people really want it when what they really want is for things to get better.

Let’s replace change with getting better.

Here are the secrets to effectively make changes.

1. See vividly in your mind’s eye that which will make you better, happier, more fulfilled, more loving or more loved.
2. Make a road map. Just wanting to be better is a prescription for failure.  We have to know how to move toward that which we want.
3. Change that matters usually comes from turmoil so if you are expecting to flip a switch and emerge as someone else or someone better, that’s not going to happen.
4. Change comes to those who refuse to give up pursuing it. In other words, after making a plan, your ability to doggedly stick to that plan almost always guarantees success.
5. When it feels like change is coming too slowly, remember that good things come to those who want it the most.

That’s why New Year’s resolutions never seem to make it past the first week in January.

Even failing to change is valuable.

It tells us that we didn’t want it enough to work for it.

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Ali:  “So everything the God made, the cows, horses, the moon, stars, ants, everything has a purpose … Now what’s your purpose? You’re a human being. If God made the sun have a purpose, humans have a purpose too. You haven’t found your life purpose yet have you?”

Maryum Ali:  “To make people feel better … To fix people up.”

Ali:  “That’s good, Maryum”.

This is what we learn from a documentary about the amazing boxer Muhammad Ali as he spoke to one of his daughters.

It makes me take pause and ask some questions of myself.

What is your purpose on this earth?

Am I proceeding in the right direction?

Am I using my God-given gifts – all of them?

We wouldn’t travel from New York to New Haven without a roadmap or certainly Google Maps.

Why do we live our lives without knowing where we are going.

It’s never too late to change course to match what our purpose is on this earth.

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That’s the conclusion of Shawn Achor who speaks of the happy secret to better work.

That means that thinking we’ll be happy when we make a certain amount of money (or win the lottery) is not correct.

If we meet another person, it will make us happy (not always true).

If we lose weight, we’ll feel happier (healthier but not always happier).

What Achor is isolating which I find empowering is that we would be wise to put our expectations second to our happiness.

Be happy, then don’t worry.

Not don’t worry, be happy.

Intelligence and technical skills only predict 25% of success.

“75% of long term job success is predicted not by intelligence and technical skills, which is normally how we hire, educate and train, but it’s predicted by three other umbrella categories. It’s optimism (which is the belief that your behavior matters in the midst of challenge), your social connection (whether or not you have depth and breadth in your social relationships), and the way that you perceive stress”.

As a college professor I preached optimism over everything to my students.  Now there is research to back it.

Our homework then is to work at being happy.

The other benefits will follow and not the other way around.

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It seems like there are so many school shootings these days.

I’ve heard people say, “Back in my day that never happened”.

Here is how I choose to look at it.

99.99% of our school children are educated in safe environments.

But to make every young person safe we have to put politics aside and focus on the stressful world in which we live.

Most people are stressed beyond belief and to make things worse, they are tied to their stress through digital communication and social media.

Bullying is not the exception but the rule at all schools, in all grades and in every part of the country.

There are things we can do about school safety and things that educators must do – such as become more skilled looking for early warning signs because it seems every time we have a tragedy like the recent one in Washington, officials have to admit that they didn’t see this behavior coming.

Bullying is not acceptable – and I am speaking of the workplace and in personal relationships as well.

Bullying is ten times worse in the digital age because it can be conducted publicly.

So rather than shake our heads and mourn another sad day, let’s roll up our sleeves and do what we can do – become a vocal advocate against bullying all people.

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The secret is not looking back and determining that all those bad breaks you overcame actually led to a better outcome.

The secret is remembering that good comes from bad.

I hate to even admit it but we don’t usually know what we really want.

We think we do.

Sometimes we are convinced we do.

But adversity introduces a person to him or herself and to those around them.

And so often things could only have happened because we didn’t get what we wanted.

The mate you would have never met if you hadn’t experienced the pain of a broken relationship – this is true for me.

The career you could have never thought of until some employer terminated your position, made you feel pain and launched you into a new career.

All the unexpected good things that seem to happen when we take the death grip off our lives and look forward to that which we have never sought.

To make this powerful message a strong part of your life, make a list of great outcomes in your life and the lives of those around you that we unanticipated and unasked for.

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Not the stress in you.

Eject those people from your lives.

I know.

Some of them are relatives – and you can’t choose your relatives.

But you can choose who you will let have your ear.

Drama queens are stress producers – we know who they are – so failure to withdraw from their world is asking for more stress.

Reject those friends who have lack of character because we eventually become the people that surround us – family, friends, teachers, mentors, mates.

Often we waste a lot of emotional time on people that we allow to bring stress into our lives.

At best, avoid them.

If you can’t avoid these negative influences, reduce the time they get your ear.

And if these people are so close to you that they are impossible to avoid, the only way out is to banish them from your life.

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Nothing stings more than putting it all out there to get a new job only to find out that you didn’t get it.

I tried for three years to get an on-air job at a Philadelphia television station and for three straight years I never received as much as a courteous response or acknowledgment.  And I included a tape of my voice as well monthly potentially magnifying my vulnerability to rejection.

But I knew – and know – that nothing worthwhile comes easy.

So, every month – off went another tape of me to three Philly TV stations until one day the program director at Channel 6 called and said he needed a booth announcer for just two days.

He even went as far to caution me that this is a very temporary job and that was that.

I accepted the two days and wound up staying.

Here’s how I think:  If being lucky is what it takes to get the job or promotion of my dreams, I’m out.  But if being persistent is the criteria, I will always get it.

And I do.

I share this because we need to change the way we think about putting it on the line and taking prudent risks.

Deal with any potential hurt feelings the way athletes do for injuries – part of the business.

Celebrate being bold and persistent and expect a positive result.

We are our own worst enemy when we should be our very best friend.

Before you readjust your thinking, take a moment to name three people you admire the most and then look into how they got to where they are today.

Rejection is the fuel for a motivated person.

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In the Showtime hit series Ray Donovan, every phone call shown on screen ends with a click not a goodbye.

Of course, we know the producers are taking theatrical license, but still – it reminds me that even with texting as big as it is for all generations, people find themselves ignored.

Text a message – you may get an answer, you may not.  Or you may get into a long back and forth.

Make a phone call (what’s that?) on your smartphone and leave a message – chances are better than ever that you will get an email or text as a response.

Even some salespeople would rather do it all by email than in person or on the phone even if you would rather not.

But what hurts the most is when a friend ignores us.

That couldn’t happen in a world where it is impossible not to receive a quick response, could it?

When this bothers me I fix it right away by focusing on what I can control which is what I am communicating not the anticipated response.

Keep expectations low and motivation high.

If there is one way to become a better person with virtually little effort it is to never ignore another person whether you’re in their company, on the phone, by email, texting or social media.

This is also the secret to making people crave you and listen to your ideas and points of view.

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When we set goals, we tend to set them in ways that will not help us accomplish them.

Save for a rainy day is not very sexy and most Americans do not have enough money when the rain begins.

Save for something specific in the next 6 months and you’re actually helping to pattern the habits you will need for the long term.

When we get a few extra bucks (and sometimes when we don’t), we tend to spend here and now instead of save for later – and that’s quite understandable.

But here are some solutions:

• Split any extra money in half – one part goes to the future, the other you can spend now.
• See vividly what money really buys – when I buy gas at the local Costco, I have figured I am saving enough to buy 30-50 shares of Apple (at about $100 a share).  I love Apple and love to invest in it but that investment grows when I can see the gas savings at Costco.
• And here’s the big one.  We spend our lives working our butts off often with little to show for it financially.  So I take some of what I earn (or have earned in the past) and put it in a safe but productive investment that grows the money and pays me a dividend.  I spend ALL of the dividend every year and since the principle keeps growing, there’s more to spend every year.

This isn’t brain surgery, I admit.

But setting intermediate goals in all areas of life (I just covered financial here today), guarantees you’ll stick to the plan.

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