It’s not the amount of anxiety people face, it’s their ability to take a pause before getting caught up in it.

Not a grand plan, not retribution nor avoiding the stressful world we live in.

A pause for a moment to allow the brain to respond instead of react.

Meltdowns occur when we pile yet another stressful situation, irritation, problem or crisis on top of the things we’re already carrying with us that cause us to be anxious.

The difference between reacting and adding another stressor or responding to prevent more unneeded stress is something as simple as waiting 5-7 seconds before acting.

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“When my older daughter came into my room early one morning to wake me up on the weekend, my sweet 5-year old son stopped her outside my room and said:  ‘Let Mommy sleep.  She needs some sleep to have a happier day.’  Considering how sleep-deprived I am as a working mom with both kids remote schooling, it was a relief to receive a bit of empathy.”  — Faye D’Silva, Toronto, CA/New York Times Parenting Letter

Even more important than sleep is empathy.

Understanding and sharing feelings is a potent elixir for burnout.

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I tell my students who are concerned about the times in which they are beginning their adults lives and careers that greatness comes from great adversity.

Abraham Lincoln, a Republican, rose to greatness by emancipating the slaves, a divisive issue that eventually claimed his life.

FDR, a Democrat, was elected and reelected to four terms as president during two major wars and one ten-year depression.

When the current virus “pause” ends, life will not return to exactly the way it was because time has moved on – a year so far and counting.

But adversity helps us know and appreciate ourselves and presents a golden opportunity to be great.

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The big thing during these days of quarantining is “relationship fatigue”, a fancy term for getting on the nerves of people we love and care about.

Tough times will pass but one thing they are good for is practicing skills that will be useful when normal returns, for example …

• Once a day greeting those we live with as if we haven’t seen them for several weeks.
• Being present not just there by focusing in on what is being said and respond.
• And if all else fails, practice the awesome power of listening because no one doesn’t like being heard and it makes being in close quarters almost bearable.

Relationship fatigue is when we’ve become tired of doing things that make others want to be in our presence.

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Isn’t it interesting that we can automatically show an animal more love than we can show ourselves?

A treat, a hug, warmth and love and it happens without thinking.

Meanwhile in the people world, we often can’t find the words to tell ourselves “nice try”, “good job”, “I’m awesome” but we have no problem being self-critical by default or worse, repeating the criticism we have heard from others.

There is a reason why our faces light up when we interact with our pets – we are showing unconditional love not “if you chased the ball better, we’d have more fun at the dog park”.

Accept yourself the way your pet accepts you without conditions.

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Think of it like this – you’re the conductor and the people who work with you are the musicians.

To make music together, a conductor alone is only as good as the talent around her.

The assembled talent without a leader is squandered brilliance.

Every meeting, then, is one in which you extract the best performance possible from those around you – that’s what real leaders do.

That’s why meetings are often a waste of time – talent listening to a leader do most of the thinking.

Why even great ideas are useless if they never get heard – kind of like a musical performance that exists on paper and never happens.

Effective leadership is teaching then directing not directing and trying to force an outcome.

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When we succeed, we want to continue so our tendency is to keep doing what made us successful.

That’s why Victoria’s Secret couldn’t keep up with how women changed, radio stayed the same by doing less to save money and Toys “R” Us went out of business because children changed their toys.

The thing is what usually got us there in the first place was change, disruption but success breeds an affinity toward playing it safe.

Cultivate a propensity for change by doing things differently, thinking differently and acquiring different skills.

Apple changes so they continue to succeed, but they really don’t take a lot of risks – new products (a watch, coming soon glasses), reinventing things (their iPhone is essentially a better camera with each iteration) and making digital life increasingly easy (as Steve Jobs said, “it just works’).

Challenge yourself long before someone else does – that’s the mental version of a workout.

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As I’ve mentioned before, my mother was a professional worrier – she had her reasons.

My father was deployed to war for four straight years without a leave long enough to return home and when he did, a few years later, he had a major heart attack at just 37 years old.  Although he survived, his health was impacted and my mother’s worry grew with every day.

In the end, he lived to his 80’s and my mom to 96!

Ok, I’m a worrier, too but I have the benefit of a gift my parents paid dearly for but one that I greatly appreciate.

Many reminders during the day of the high price to be paid for worry.

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I used to teach public speaking when I was a Dale Carnegie Course instructor.

I learned quickly that those looking to overcome the fear of speaking to assembled groups – even small ones – believe they become someone they are not.

Loud.

Bold.

Dramatic.

And yet some of the most effective communication in the world has come from people with quiet voices and a homespun manner.

It turns out becoming an effective public speaker is best accomplished by accepting yourself as you are and then have a strong desire to send a message.

I ask:  “what am I passionate about saying” and then I do it with my east coast accent, my broadcasting voice complete with hand gestures (I’m Italian, I speak with my hands).

Being what you’re not or what you think someone else feels you should be never works in public – and the truth is, it doesn’t work in private either.

Being you is enough.

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When a song repeats in your head over and over either because you heard it or for some unexplained reason just think of what happens when we run ourselves down.

It’s one thing to put a stop to others who say hurtful things, but it’s even worse when we allow negative thoughts to kick around in our brains like a song we can’t stop playing.

Imagine positive things to line our subconscious and put them on repeat.

We know the damage that can be done when the we take the hurtful words of others and keep repeating them, but turnabout is fair play here – change the message and hit repeat over and over.

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Here it is.

• “I have earned the right” to be here, speak before you, entertain, write, teach, contribute – the most powerful thought is I have qualified for what I am about to undertake.
• If it’s something I have never done before, I repeat this mantra “I have done new things before, I can do them again”.
• For an extra boost, I review accomplishments large and small, related or unrelated to what is before me.
• I never fear failing – I do it all the time. When I fail, I will learn and get better.

The thing about confidence is it has to start with you, not someone else whispering in your ear.

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Becoming powerful is not about control, it’s about how you use the power you gain in an effective way.

Those people you’ve worked with that spend all their time seeking power and control over others are probably not very effective at using it – it’s the chase that drives them.

You accumulate power by building bridges, by doing favors, helping others, teaching and even by giving away power to win cooperation.

The person skilled in human relations is the most powerful person.

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“Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best.” – Jack Nicklaus

100% is unattainable.

80% is unimaginable.

60% will leave us frustrated even if we succeed.

40% still means failing 6 out of 10 times.

20% means almost one in four times what we do is come through.

100% is fine for effort but reaching your goals one out of four times is reasonable and a reminder that we needlessly make ourselves miserable by setting unrealistic expectations. 

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Most of us have more self-doubt than confidence.

Can’t wins over can and then it multiplies.

Doubt is one of the few things that can always be controlled.

How is it possible to ask others to believe in us when we don’t believe first?

If it’s worth doing, it’s worth believing you can do it.

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I remember when my date brought me home to meet her parents and they graciously took us all out to dinner at The Four Seasons in Philadelphia – on them!

It’s a night I will never forget but not for the reason you think.

Her parents looked like they were going to have an argument somewhere between the sorbet to cleanse the palate and the main course.

The waiters descended on us, her mother was adamant that she was right and she pursued the topic the way I pursed my filet.

But it got worse – louder, more forceful.  My date kicked me under the table as a reminder to keep my mouth shut.

But, amazingly and worth remembering is that this man would not argue – in the end, he told his wife, “you’re right” even though she made him say it a few times.

Crisis over because it’s true, the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Dessert was glorious.  He lit a cigar and as you just saw, I never forgot the lesson.

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If you practice the wrong thing, you will get good at something that doesn’t matter.

• Practice time is precious – think about what is worth your time and effort.
• Find what makes the most difference in your life and come up with a plan to improve your skills.
• Time spent toiling is not the same as time spent improving.
• Repetition is your enemy without a proven plan and an end goal.

Knowing what is right and what is wrong is worth more than spending hours chasing an ill-defined dream.

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Think of the past as a file that we retrieve but must return to its proper place to avoid living there permanently.

The future is where we go to plan, a necessary journey but one that still requires that we return to the present to get it started and see it through.

The present is all we are guaranteed – it’s where we live, it’s what we have and it’s the best place to reside.

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Teachers divide their year into two semesters, coaches often divvy the season up into smaller sections where they can start fresh if things don’t go the right way.

Dividing can multiply productivity.

The reason most people choose to do the easy things on their to-do list is because they don’t take long to complete even if more consequential time-consuming things remain neglected.

The trick is to divide the larger, more complex and usually more impactful things in life into smaller more bit-sized tasks.  This is what super achievers do because it is human nature to put off large projects because they take more time than most people have.

Are we working smart or working to harvest the easy stuff first?

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I forgot my phone the other day – left the house without it, went about my business and for some odd reason I was so busy or distracted that I didn’t notice.

I did have my watch on with email and other capabilities but, apparently, I didn’t look at it while I was out.

When I returned, I sat down, reached into my pocket when I realized that I must have lost my phone (I didn’t). The panic of being separated from my phone was real and I don’t have to tell you the thought was terrifying.

Then when I found it being charged, I felt proud that I could leave the house without it and survive.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to do this again or say how great it felt to be away from constant contact.

But I did learn something.

I can live without my phone, but my phone can’t live without me.

It works for me not the other way around.

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After my daughter’s wedding, my wife Cheryl and I were stressed so we attended an 8-hour stress-free living seminar with Mayo Clinic physician Dr. Amit Sood in Phoenix – not a moment too soon.

He started by telling the assembled group that we need to meditate at which point I raised my hand and said I have tried and can’t do it – many other attendees attested to the same thing.

Dr. Sood was not referring to the process of meditation where you empty your mind but instead the type he espoused where you fill it with thoughts of joy and gratitude.

What is it about gratitude that is the best “drug” available for what ails us.

Today, as I share this moment, I can reaffirm that when things go south – problems, stress, the feeling of being overwhelmed, the simple act of thinking about both who and what you are grateful for, can go a long way to brightening a dark mood.

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