Many times our first reaction to something new or something we don’t immediately like is fear thought.

This is bad.   I don’t like it.  I don’t want to do it.

Understandable but not optimal.

Thinking ahead is forethought where we are not committed to anything until we’re comfortable with it.

Nasty text from a friend – fear thought, we overreact.  Take time to understand that which makes you uncomfortable.

Rejection – fear thought, the response is often rejecting the person who rejected us.  Even hurtful feelings deserve time to understand the circumstances under which they were conveyed.

Fear and worry based on visceral emotions are fear thought.  99% of all that we humans worry about never happens and in the one percent of the cases where it does, it doesn’t happen the way we initially feared it would.  Worry about worry is deadlier than worrying about things that are not going to happen.

Fear of the unknown is easier to deal with when we turn that fear into curiosity.

Fear is useless.

Thinking ahead allows us to put a hold on worry – sometimes even a few seconds or minutes.

We don’t have to live by first reactions if we choose to live by second thoughts.

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In all my classes as a professor of music industry at the University of Southern California, I assigned this book that had absolutely nothing to do with music.

How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

To be sure, most students never read it for exactly that reason because it had nothing to do with their course work.

But many read it over the summer on their own and they would contact me with their gratitude for suggesting it.  Imagine a college student reaching out to a professor and thanking them for assigning a book that had nothing to do with their chosen field of interest.

Most of us already have plenty of talent although some people don’t have the confidence to believe in themselves.

The missing secret to success for people who are already talented is how to get along with others – inspire them, deal with their foibles, win cooperation.

And in spite of the fact that How to Win Friends was written before most of us existed, it is still the best template for gaining skills that will give you the edge over others.

Buy the paperback (or digital version).

Read it all the way through.

Then read it again one chapter at a time.

Rip it out and carry that one chapter around until you believe you have mastered it.

Then onto the next.

I know people who start the book over again because mastering human relations isn’t just reading a book, it’s about changing the way you think and act.

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Prescription sales of anti-anxiety meds are going through the roof.

Yet anxiety is getting the best of us because even if we don’t suffer from it, chances are good that someone around us does.

Put the phone in its place because it is not helping anxiety.

Social media can be an addiction for people of all ages.

We are in denial.

Must stay in touch with our children.

Have to be connected to answer work-related email.

No one can multi-task successfully.  We don’t need research to tell us that but that’s exactly what research is telling us that we already know.

Start today …

Prioritize rather than multi-task. 

Only complete 20% of everything you have to do – so make sure you pick the most important 20% and you’ll be more productive and less anxious. 

Don’t let anxious people give you their anxiety – recognize it and put a stop/loss on it immediately.

Make your phone a tool, like a pencil or pad.  Use it to make yourself less anxious.  We are the masters of our iPhones and Androids when we decide how we’re going to use them.  Using them because they exist is the path toward more anxiety.

Don’t pull a phone out when you are waiting for something or in between things.  Instead, think about what you’re grateful for.  Don’t wait to become a cancer survivor to make gratitude the greatest anti-anxiety “medication” of all.

Gratitude – the instant anti-anxiety helper. 

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Texting is an addiction.

It’s like pressing a button in the hospital to get another dose of narcotic painkiller.

Everyone is affected – this is not only a Millennial disease. And it is a disease.

We text rather than engage people in real time as if it’s normal.

We attend sporting events, pay good money and spend our time there texting elsewhere.

Texting includes addiction to social media – the need to stay connected and to check your phone for the next shot of adrenaline.

There is no known cure because, after all, texting and social media also have positive benefits when they are in balance with the rest of our lives.

Your family wants you to set an example and leave the phone alone and make it about them – in real time.

When texting or social media gets out of control (perhaps you don’t know it or acknowledge it), think about making a phone call instead.  Think about it, don’t make it because if you had to commit to a conversation rather than a text or social media post, you might not make it.

Communication in the digital age is easier, not better.

Being addicted to being connected is often bad for us, our families, our careers and now with increasing medical evidence, our health.

Ask is this texting worth a phone call.  If it isn’t and you’re getting trapped in the back and forth, it’s more likely because you need the boost rather than the other party needing to hear from you.

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Whether we know it or not, even standing still is change.

YOU may not be changing but the world around you is.

When you decide to pick up and move to a new job, a new city, a new life, you are channeling hope.

Hope is more powerful than change.

Without hope we cannot live but without change, everything around us changes regardless whether we benefit or not.

Better is more powerful than new.

Hope is the fuel of happiness.

Change is the end result after we hope and make things better. 

Just as in exercise or physical fitness, if you’re not feeling some pain, you’re probably not going to receive the gains.

Hope your way forward to accomplish the goals you’re seeking.

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Why are we surprised when we don’t achieve something we really want?

You can’t get from here to there without knowing a direction.

And we can’t accomplish something worth having without a plan.

I want to make more money, but specifically how? 

I want to meet a new friend, but where will you look? 

I want to spend more time with the kids, but is it more time or better time?

I want to go on vacation – to rest, for an adventure or to return to a happy place?

It’s time for me to change jobs, but what’s the plan to start looking (waiting until you’re out of work is too late)?

Dreams are good.

Plans are the steps that give our dreams a chance to come true.

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Forget everything you know (or don’t) about making a presentation.

Ask yourself, what “gift” can I give my audience?

What is it that I can’t wait to share that I know they will appreciate.

Put it into a phrase so you know exactly what that gift is.

Most presentations are forgettable because the presenter has not given thought to the one thing they have the ability to share that the audience will appreciate.

Slides become secondary if used at all.

Make the slides and material available on Google Drive so you can concentrate on unraveling the present you are giving the audience.

You may have stories to tell or examples to fill in, but if you go into a presentation thinking of yourself as someone who is going to hand the audience a gift, you will get the best response ever.

The words will come out automatically.

Your sincerity will come through.

And those participating will likely go to your subject materials for more.

That’s also the secret of those TED presentations we love so much.

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Social media breeds many more haters because its reach is infinite.

Don’t engage a hater, run.

Changing a hater is impossible because their hearts are filled with jealousy.

Be on the lookout that we don’t give haters a pass because the world is getting used to the outrage from jealous people.

If you can’t love everyone, respect everyone.

Hatred breeds where respect is not found.

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A 2014 study published in Science Translational Medicine shows that a placebo was 50% as effective as taking the actual real drug to reduce post Migraine pain.

Same is true of anti-depressants in tests where half the study group that did not take actual medicine did as well as those who did.

There are people during flu season who don’t get the flu, when everyone else is fearing it, because they don’t believe in their mind that they will get it.

When you speak before a group, if you believe you have a gift of knowledge to share with others, you can be more effective than you ever have in your life.

The mind can heal.

The mind can help us succeed.

Napoleon Hill liked to say “Whatever your mind can conceive and believe the mind can achieve regardless of how many times you may have failed in the past.”

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Serena Williams is pregnant and will sit out the coming months of tennis competitions.

Her coach, Patrick Mouratoglou had no idea she had just found out she was pregnant when she won her 23^rd Grand Slam singles title a few months ago.

Williams is due in September.

She will be close to 37 when she resumes her competitive tennis career.

Of course her coach said Serena has done things in her career that other people said were impossible.

He told reporters, “I do think she’ll come back and she will come back all the more if everyone thinks she’s done. So, I encourage you to write that she is finished. Please”.

Doubling down when others doubt you is enough motivation to succeed.

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The best time to look for a new career is when you’re happy and rewarded with the career you have.

Most people get serious about job search when they are unhappy, underpaid and/or not feeling appreciated.

When they don’t like their boss, the place they work or often the people they work with.

This leads to a lot of bad decisions.

Choosing the new or next career path should be done when you are satisfied not looking to get out.

This also provides the best way to know you are not making a mistake by leaving for if you are drawn to something new and challenging while you are fulfilled by your current work, chances are you are about to make a strong decision with a positive outcome.

If you decide to stay after examining a great new opportunity then you are likely already in the right job.

Finding work when you’re unhappy may change your scenery or the associates you work with but it is often not a good career move.

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Go to the fountain and drink of the knowledge.

Are we listening when others speak?  This does not mean agreeing all the time, it means hearing what they have to offer.

Are we doing all the talking?   Social media and texting encourages a lot of self-centered focus that eventually makes the narrative about us and not others.

Some people are outstanding listeners but most of the rest of us are distracted listeners.

We can learn to be better listeners.

Train yourself to recap what another person has said and repeat the essence of it to them.

“If I’m hearing you right, you’re saying that …” 

If they confirm, congratulations – you’re becoming a better listener.

If they add to it, you are skillfully drawing them out.

If they correct you, then you have saved yourself from getting it wrong and miscommunicating.

Everyone wants to be a better listener because people are attracted to those who can listen.

Being heard is one of the great human needs.

We have learned over time not to be good listeners and we can train ourselves to be better with very little effort.

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It’s hard to be surrounded by people who are eternally positive in our increasingly negative world.

But those who can generate their own positivity can benefit by avoiding heart disease, reducing blood pressure and impacting in a good way on blood sugar.

Gratitude is one way, but we often think we have tons of that.

You can’t be negative when you are being grateful. 

Recognize others and sharing it with them. 

Keeping a list of positive things that are happening to you on your phone so you can scroll through and remain inspired. 

Become more aware of stress and put a stop/loss on it as soon as you feel it developing.

Staying positive is not about Pollyanna.

Positive can mean something relatively unsexy like catching yourself from putting down an accomplishment that even others acknowledge.

Staying positive to benefit health is not about rah-rah things, it’s about keeping control of your narrative and protecting it from the negativity of others.

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With as few as only two weeks training in the areas of kindness and compassion, positive changes occur in the brain.

Focusing on these two things help us become physically and emotionally healthier by in essence retraining the brain.

Focus on positive emotions and they magically occur.

Doing good things for others – Even small things that you would think as inconsequential count.

Become more aware of the world around you – Just trying to notice the sand on the beach or the flower in the garden helps re-train the brain.

Live in the now – Ruminating on the past is actually proven to physically adversely alter parts of the brain so living in the present and giving up control can help us.

Accomplish something every day – Attainable goals checked off as “accomplished” are friendly to the brain and our wellbeing.

Be proud of who you are – Perfection has never been achieved by any one person in all of time but the pursuit of perfection bodes negatively on our compassion and caring of others.

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Stephen Colbert’s switch from Comedy Central to David Letterman’s replacement on CBS Television had not been going well.

He was out of character in more ways than one.

Was he the pundit character of his old show or a Letterman-like substitute for the retiring late night host?

Everything changed for the positive when a new producer was appointed and he told Colbert “Stop being funny and go and just be real”.

Why is it so easy to forget to be our natural selves?

It didn’t hurt that Colbert’s sweet spot was politics and last year was a bonanza.

Now Colbert is beating Jimmy Fallon who had been dominant in the ratings.

He seems self-assured.

Colbert is an admitted “control freak” and everyone knows that won’t work except perhaps the actual control freak.

Sometimes everything we’re looking to be is already there within us – just lost trying to be someone else who is not as good.

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Why is it so hard to say I made a mistake?

Making a mistake is not a sign of weakness, just humanity.

It is a sign that we are not perfect and sometimes we stand up on a pedestal that we don’t deserve to be on because no person can achieve perfection whether in the public eye, at work or in marriage.

United Airlines took at least 3 attempts at saying they were sorry for basically beating up a passenger and dragging him off one of their planes recently in what turned out to be a YouTube success and a corporate failure.

Politicians who make mistakes virtually never admit mistakes until they are caught red handed.

Dale Carnegie encourages people to admit their mistakes quickly and emphatically.  Translated that means fast and clearly.

If you haven’t apologized lately, watch what happens when you say you’re sorry and sincerely mean it.

Almost always, you wind up feeling as good as the person you apologized to.

One way not to apologize is to say “If I did anything wrong, I’m sorry”.

If?

Every good apology contains sincerity, a bit of your own humanity and simple language.

Apologizing is another human relations tool that is misunderstood, underutilized and a great alternative to hard feelings.

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Humans are not expected to perform any function forever at the same level as they do when they are young.

A 40-year old tennis star is working overtime to compete with a 20-year old.

A pitcher with a 90-mph fastball cannot throw those pitches as their career moves on and often needs another pitch – a slider, curveball or whatever to remain viable.

This is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength.

The seller who is burned out on selling.

The manager who wants to do something entirely different.

Life is full of endless possibilities if we adopt the mindset to look for that next “pitch” that we can put in our arsenal of skills as we continue to play the game of life.

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Millennials 19-35 years old have a higher incidence of anxiety than any other generation, but they don’t have a monopoly on it.

If it’s getting out of hand, there are lifelines available …

1. Consider others, but please yourself – One person cannot be all things to all people without feeling distressed.
2. Time shift worry to a certain time one day a week– Say, Tuesday night between 7:30 and 8 pm for example.  By time shifting worry, you are not blindly ignoring it but you’re also not obsessing about it either.
3. Let go – One of the biggest sources of anxiety is trying to maintain some control over a life that seems so out of control.  The best and only way to gain control is to give up control.  We can control ourselves.  Trying to control others is a sure ticket to unhappiness whether we like it or not.
4. Reign in social media – Social media and even texting to groups sets up a fantasy world of expectations and perceived desires that make us miserable.  Enjoy social media like a Haagen-Dazs ice cream bar, it’s the dessert not the meal.

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More tears are shed and anguish generated from broken relationships.

Except that all humans have some degree of dysfunctional relationships.

One of the most painful is when we unconditionally love a person who cannot seem to return our feelings.

Withholding ours is not the answer and feeling shamed or abused by the lack of love we feel from them is a black hole of hurt feelings.

Our role is to love those who deserve it – friends, family – with all our hearts.

Expecting the same and equal love in return is exposing us to a lifetime of disappointment.

Some people are not capable of love – even to love themselves in a healthy way.

When you give love without expectations, you will find at least one important kind of love in return every time.

The love of self.

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We are what we spend our time becoming.

If we are devoting increasing amounts of time to social media, then we are becoming more proficient at digital connections not necessarily meaningful relationships.

If we make a demonstrable attempt to spend more time with people in person, on the phone, by Skype, we are becoming more proficient at interacting with people and appreciating the nuances of their voices and personalities in real time.

Should we find ourselves talking about others in unflattering ways, we are investing our precious capital (time) in a losing pursuit that will eventually make us become them.

But take no joy in the failings of others by remembering our own failings and we’re in the midst of an awesome self-improvement program.

If we’re obsessed with living the life we really want to live and not the life others divert us towards then the return on investment will be rich and rewarding.

When we understand that growing wealth is a direct result of pursing excellence above money, we have discovered the real secret to being rich.

How and where we spend our time tells us more about ourselves than any other indicator.

We become what we spend our time pursing for better or for worse.

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