1. Cash in an IOU— I’ve done it before (or something like it) so I can do it again.
2. Focus on the benefit not the risk– It’s human nature to automatically assume the worst is going to happen so assume the best outcome – I will succeed – and what that would mean to you.  This is the most important secret of garnering instant courage.
3. Courage is a promise to yourself– Not a superhuman personality trait.  People become more courageous when they say they are going to muster up whatever they need to succeed.
4. The most important words are “I Will” – Not I can’t.  I shouldn’t.  I couldn’t.  I’m not sure.  No.  Just these two words give most people all the courage they will ever need.

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When we give up control, we gain control.

Nothing can dispute this and yet giving up control is the hardest thing for a human to do.

When we stop wanting something else, we’re on the road to being able to enjoy what we have.

Relationships are demolished because of control freaks.  Workplaces become intolerable because there is often little room for independent freedom.

Here’s how to take the first step:

1. Identify something that you are wrestling with and decide if you have the courage to do an experiment.

2. Consciously try NOT to have any control of any aspect of what you have identified.  In other words, succeeding is not getting your way.

3. Step back and be an observer of what is happening as you resist the temptation to give your power of persuasion away.

To be sure, letting go does not mean not caring or advocating about that which we feel passionate.  But it does allow us to see the magic of removing ourselves as an obstacle to an outcome we would never have imagined – an outcome we may very well like.  One thing is for sure, letting go in this context never killed anyone.

Almost ready but not quite?

Decide that when you are with your spouse next weekend that they will decide what to do, where to eat, something new to try – just be curious to see what they come up with.

In the end, letting go not only becomes a great tool in living well with others, it makes you feel good about yourself.

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There are studies that show most people spend half the day thinking about something other than what they are presently doing.

And there is the iPhone mind-wandering study that concludes that people are not as happy when they are not thinking about what they are doing.

The wandering mind is not going to ever make us happy.

Focusing on the present is almost a magic pill because it starts working immediately.

When our mind wanders, we allow negative thoughts to get in – obsessing and ruminating.

To measure how often your mind wanders you can download an app at trackyourhappiness.org.

A few times a day you’ll receive a notice to answer some questions about your experience at that moment.  Over time, you come away with an accurate picture of your life and what prevents you from being happy.

Or, the short course:  focus on the present, discourage mind-wandering and feel happier.

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Studies show that the mere thought of a stressful situation or event is as severe as the actual event itself.

We fear stressful situations even if they never happen to us.

1. Obsessing is a warning sign of stress.  The problem may never happen but obsessing about it is getting too far ahead of solving it.

2. People – especially people close to us or with whom we come in contact daily can easily transfer their anxieties to us.  Stand back if you can and look from afar on who is infecting us with their stress.

3. Focusing on the present is the ultimate stress buster so when you get that anxious feeling be 100% present in the now and it will aid in warding off anticipated stress.

Take control of stress by putting it in its proper place.

Looking ahead is forethought.

Anxiety about the future is fear thought.

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The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Friendships that mean something are not casual hit-and-run relationships.

When we vow to stay in touch, do we?

Is it purely social or is this friendship also emotional?

Are you a part of each other’s lives or an accident of scheduling?

The Chopra Center offers this advice:

1. Practice active listening to truly hear your friends.  Take turns being active listeners.  Being an active listener means that we don’t play “can you top this”.

2. Call your friends to stay connected. Texting and social media is a sanitized way to connect with people you care about.  If a person isn’t worth a call, then perhaps they are not worth having as a friend.

3. Go out of your way to make your friends feel special.  My best friend always – and I mean, always– jotted me a note after we got together even at Denny’s.

Without friends our life is relegated to Outlook, iCal, texting, social media and whatever time we can grab because life can easily get in the way but true friendships are the gifts of life.

Start spreading the love in your own authentic way.

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Can you recommend that your best friend come to work at your company?

If no, what is it about your employer that gives you pause?

Do you know how much you are worth on the market with your skills?

If not, do some research to find out what others with your approximate skills are earning.

If it’s less than you are presently making, ask yourself are you staying put because of the benefits?

If yes, it may be a bad reason considering your personal happiness.

Google has arguably among the best and most over the top benefits for employees and people still leave because benefits are not a good enough reason to postpone being fulfilled.

Have you been given new challenges in the past year?

If not, that will get old real fast.

Are you not looking around because you don’t have the time or because you are afraid?

If you’re afraid, welcome to the club.  We’re all in it.

One of the most compelling thoughts I ran across in the past year was the total uselessness of a company that talks a person into staying after they’ve been given another job offer.

Most of them who opt to pass on that job offer stay for no longer than a year and leave anyway no matter what concessions were offered by their employer.

The same is true with staying in a place that you’ve outgrown.

If you stay for whatever reasons, you’ll eventually go if questions like these are not answered in the affirmative.

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Allowing and accepting negative thoughts can go a long way toward conquering negativity.

Worry and repeated worry intensifies when we try to control negative thoughts.

More helpful …

1. Accept negative thoughts.

2. Standup to them.  Imagine what you would say to someone with your exact same situation.  Whatever you would tell them is what you should do.

3. Nothing is gained by focusing on negative thoughts.  In fact, negativity becomes built into the brain.  It actually changes pathways as documented by MRI’s.

Negative thinking is a part of the human condition.

When it gets out of control and becomes an obsession we cannot seem to break, constantly remind yourself how worrying about your negative thoughts are helping you achieve your goals.

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I’m reading The Power of Off by Nancy Colier who has a lot of good ideas on how to become less dependent on our smartphones (thanks to an article by Jane Brody in The New York Times).

46% of smartphone users say that their devices are something they can’t live without.

Most people now check their smartphones 150 times a day or every six minutes.  I am sure we would deny it.

Colier’s book has a digital detox program which is very timely for parents because we are not helping our children by making them more anti-social and removed from interaction.

1. Differentiate between phone use that is needed such as for work, navigation or letting family members know you are okay vs. what is a habit of responding such as posting and other forms of distraction.

2. New rule:  don’t reach for your phone while eating or spending time with family or friends.

3. Add one thing a day that’s done without the phone.

4. Become very conscious of what is important to you and devote more time and attention to it.

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It was Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling who said:

“And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

This was first uttered when Rowling was working on Harry Potter, out of money, out of work and recently divorced.

Rowling reiterated this message in a 2008 speech at Harvard.

Rock bottom sure doesn’t feel good, but it IS good.

It means there is nowhere left to fall and all this wonderful space in which to rebound.

In doing research for my book, it amazed me how many people were this close to giving up when they felt they hit rock bottom, but they persisted and endured.

There is nowhere left to go but up.

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Here is a photo of the earth taken from the moon.

When we fly in an airplane even as high as 40,000 feet, we barely see the curvature of the earth let alone the entire earth.

When we are stymied by a problem in life, the closer we are to it, the harder it is to grasp the enormity of it and where it begins and ends.

People used to think the earth was flat essentially because that is all they could see of it.  There were no satellites or explorations that would indicate otherwise.

I find this helpful in dealing with problems.

When you know you have a problem, pull back and take a wider view – the wider yet, the more helpful.  I use this imagery because it helps me focus.

The closer we observe our problems, the more limited our ability is to solve them.

A bitter divorce is a battle of money, lawyers, court, custody and other things from close in, but from further back it is the inability of two people – sometimes because of their families of origin and no fault of their own – to work well together as a unit.

Pull back, observe, recalibrate thinking to take in the bigger picture.

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Psychiatrist, neurologist and author Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning is one of my top 5 favorite books of all time.

It’s deep, about his depressing and abusive incarceration in a World War II concentration camp and yet when I read it on the beach, I came away feeling uplifted.

What did Frankl make of the suffering he went through, how did he survive it and what it all meant when he was freed by Allied troops only to find his new bride had been killed in another concentration camp.

“In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.”

That Frankl could find meaning in sacrifice in a cruel world is uplifting to the rest of us wrestling with the ups and downs of our daily lives.

When all else has been taken away and we are in pain, Frankl is saying the freedom to “choose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.” is the thing that can allow people to overcome their challenges.

Today, can we take what is causing us pain and choose an attitude to give it meaning?

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It’s all here in one sentence:

“The secret to living well and longer is: eat half, walk double, laugh triple and love without measure.”  — Tibetan Proverb

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1. Everything you promise, deliver ahead of schedule.
2. And beyond expectations (which means it is key to get others to talk openly about their expectations and then make a note of it).
3. Be a good listener.
4. Have the heart of a servant.  If you aim to please, you will be a rare person in today’s business world.  If the word servant turned you off just now, you may want to get your ego in check.  Humble people succeed more often than arrogant ones who often have a short shelf-life in companies.
5. Readily give credit to others and back it up with evidence (examples).  People who recognize the work of others are almost indispensable.  Giving credit to others cost you nothing, gets you everything and requires no work at all.
6. Be true to who you are.  If your values do not align with that of your employer, look for work where they do.  Don’t wait for the employer to make the move.

Being smarter than everyone else is not as important as working harder than everyone else, constantly focusing on achievable goals.

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Bad days happen to everyone but the goal should be to end the bad things as soon as you realize they are hurting you.

1. Immediately focus on someone else.  It’s hard to be miserable when your attention is not focused on your problems.

2.  Declare gratitude.  That your spouse is healthy.  That you are hanging in there. That your children are growing up happy.  That a parent or two is still on this earth to be a part of your life.  Talk to a cancer survivor to learn how to be happy even with a disease.

3. Come up with a plan.  People who achieve things and are happier tend to be planners.  If your job continues to make you miserable, don’t ignore the signs, make a plan to find a new job.  Let the irritation drive you to success and happiness.

4. Do something you like to do. Exercise.  Binge on Netflix.  Read.  Be with a friend not to bring them down but to lift them up (see #1 above).

No matter how badly you feel.  No matter how bad things are, there is always hope.

Focus on hope.

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Phones are supposed to be tools that help us with our lives, but they are increasingly becoming our lives.

When you are spending an hour a day on social media such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or SnapChat, your phone isn’t working for you.

When you can’t put it down without checking it, you are the tool and the phone is your master.

When you clean up email, scan websites and visit social media rather than start a conversation with another person, your life has been hijacked.

When your phone over a family member, friend or associate is so important that it can rivet your attention, you are being robbed of happiness.  Studies prove it if you don’t already know it.

1. Never keep talking when another person turns their attention to their phone instead of what you are saying.  Stop and wait.  If they insist they’re still listening, continue to wait until they can give you the attention you deserve.  Same applies to you.

2. Before cellphones, dinner was uninterrupted by calls and distractions.  Put that same rule back into effect today.  No texting, peeking, chatting or talking on cellphones while eating with the family.

3. Same is true of business lunches.  I sat with a media exec who put not one but two phones on the table while I tried to ask him to support my student labs at USC.  It was so maddening I almost didn’t care anymore.  I just wanted to leave.  He knew I was irked and said “What can I do for you?” and I said “$15,000 for my students”.  He said, “of course”.  And I got the money but never had lunch with him again.

4. Phones are breeding places for anxiety.  When you feel stressed, don’t just put the phone away, turn it off.

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What do you live for?

What is your passion?

What is the special gift you have – we all have one – that makes the world a better place?

It’s easy to live someone else’s life but to live the life you deserve, it takes recognizing what may be obvious to others but not to ourselves.

1. What is the gift you have been given in life?  Your voice?  Your heart?  Your compassion?  Your ability to organize?  To lead?  To help others?  To teach?  This is worth thinking about for more than a few minutes because once you can identify your gift, you can get on with giving it to others and receiving the benefit yourself.

2. Stuck in a rut?  This is what I do.  Put aside what you are doing with your life now and ask, “What one thing would I like to do forgetting whether I have the schooling or skills to do it”.   For me, my entire life has been consumed with television, radio and communications.  Putting that aside, long deliberations have shown me that I like to build things.  (Confession:  I once contemplated leaving broadcasting to join the company that built the new city of Columbia, MD).

3. People who recover from health scares are often hyper-focused on finding the life they deserve.  They see it as a second chance to do the things that really matter.

What is your gift and how can it lead you to the life that only you deserve?

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A new British report published by IZA Institute of Labor Economics found that children between 10 and 15 who spend a minimum of one hour a day with social media are less content overall compared to those who do not.

Just one hour a day chatting on social media reduces the chance of being totally satisfied with life by about 14 percentage points.

The average teen spends an average of nine hours a day using electronic devices mostly on social media.

This is a parenting issue.

Parents have been too willing to let their kids entertain themselves on devices and watch movies over and over again from the backseat of a car.

1. It won’t work to try to take social media away from a teen.  It must be replaced with something else.  If you find that a difficult thought to grasp, think about increasing the happiness of your child by 15% right off the bat.

2. Have your teens keep a diary of how much time they spend on social media and how they felt afterward as an aid to self-discovery.  If children are younger, keep them away from social media madness.

3. Help teens build lives with more structured events that involve in-person social interaction such as sports, music lessons, after-school activities.

And all us moms and dads would also be wise to cut back on screen time that we can replace with human interaction because the happiness benefit likely applies to adults, too.

A happy person in the future will have a more balanced life both in the now and with the advantages that screens and mobile devices can bring.

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1. Deeds not words empower us. If we want to fight the glass ceiling, do something don’t just talk about it.  Want to fight for a cause? Take action first.
2. Empowering others empowers us. Two for the price of one.
3. Self-doubt is the enemy within. Never let self-doubt interfere with the awesome person that is you.
4. Empowerment begins with the phrase “you can do it”. We cannot expect anyone to hand us our dreams until we are willing to take a stand and fight for them.

Lots of women were hoping to see a woman president elected in 2016 but empowerment means going forward and running for something – anything, local office, school board.

Empower is an action verb to give the authority to do something.

Give yourself the power.

Do don’t stew.

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1. Ask yourself what will happen if you let it go? Will you die?  Will you starve?  Will you be lonely?  Will you be scared?  This is the most empowering.
2. Choose the biggest burden first. Get the greatest relief by choosing the huge weight on your shoulders that is ruining your life and let it go.  It may be a relationship, a job, or a feeling such as lack of self-confidence.
3. Look forward, not back from then on. Second-guessing is a guaranteed road to failure.  Own your decision to let go of something or someone that is causing your life great anxiety.
4. Feel the control that comes from letting go.  Think of this.  We make fun of control freaks – and sometimes we are those freaks.  The moment you let go of what you are trying so hard to control, feel the immediate relief.

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Everyone goes through depression at some point in their lives.  Others battle it more personally, more often.

In recent years more anti-depressants have been written by doctors for more patients than ever before while depression in all of us continues to rise.

More pills, but more depression.

We get happy when we get off of issues that make us unhappy.

By focusing on other things and other people.

And the secret weapon for depression is not always a form of medication because we know medications change and often have to be increased.

The secret weapon is learning to cultivate the feeling of gratitude.

You almost can’t be depressed while you are being grateful to someone else or for something else.

My friend, Wynn Etter, a Dale Carnegie sponsor and exemplar of good human relations, fought cancer until his death without allowing himself to focus thoughts on his illness.

If you asked him about his condition, he would answer it in a few words and then throw the conversation back to you.

He had every right to be down in the dumps over his worsening condition but all his many friends could ever think of was how he lifted the rest of us up – even when he felt bad.

Another prescription for the depression that occurs in life is to focus on that which you are grateful for and to those to whom keep you uplifted by their friendship.

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