Think about it.

When you post a picture or comment on Instagram or Facebook, you go back and check to see how many people liked it.

If that’s not you, you are not typical according to research.

More troubling is new information that social media is forcing users to put on a façade of happiness that does not exist.  Donna Freitas’ book The Happiness Effect – How Social Media is Driving a Generation to Appear Perfect at Any Cost contains sobering examples.

This is bad for any of us but especially for young people who are vulnerable to being accepted by peers.

Social media is fine for expression and communication but no substitute for face to face friends and living in the present to discover its many wonders.

The likes that are most important are the ones we have about ourselves not the ones others vote on through social media.

I like the way I conducted myself under pressure. 

I like that I had empathy for my friend.

Even though I messed up, I like the fact that I care to be better next time.

What do you like about you and the evidence to support it.

The man or woman in the mirror is the best “like” of all.

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A few weeks back Tiffany Trump (President Trump’s daughter with Marla Maples) was reportedly shunned at New York Fashion Week.

News coverage makes it appear that Tiffany Trump wasn’t being welcomed as other fashionistas were.

Pictures emerged of how there were two seats next to her in row one at Fashion Week, a place people kill to be in the first row.  Except, they may have been snapped at an inopportune time.

Well, liberal Democrat Whoopi Goldberg had about enough of this and spoke out on The View.

Goldberg told Tiffany Trump that she would be happy to sit next to her at the next show and talk fashion not politics.

The world is sadly becoming dominated with haters and how did it get to the point where an otherwise nice person is being shamed because of her father’s politics?

Dislike the deed and not the person and you’ll stop haters dead in their tracks.

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Robert Marchand is 105 and probably more fit than people half his age and I am writing about him not because he set the world record in one-hour cycling where you ride for 60 minutes on an indoor track.

But because he is getting fitter even as he ages.

He pedals about 17 miles.

After the age of 50, the body doesn’t usually increase its aerobic fitness, try as we may, even though people can work hard to maintain.

Doctors usually accept death decades earlier than Marchand does because he hasn’t considered it.  Example:  Marchand is convinced he can improve his performance next year when he is 106!

His fitness routine is unique. He doesn’t use a heart monitor and has an interesting mix of 20% difficult intensity to 80% light.

A simple diet.  A glass of red wine.  Very socially active.

But all of this is not the overriding message coming from a 105 year old man.

Reject limitations.

Doctors don’t know healthy living.

Be social.

Pray for great genes.

Most importantly, live going forward not looking back.

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I came across some fascinating numbers about how teams in the four major sports have done after they changed their coach in the middle of the season in terms of win percentage and if they made the playoffs:

National Hockey League      +.041  (40.7% made the playoffs)

NBA                                     +.029 (28.1% made the playoffs)

NFL & AFL                            +.074  (3.4% made the playoffs)

Major League Baseball         +.015  (4.0% made the playoffs)

(Source: Wall Street Journal/Stats LLC)

Six NHL teams even won the Stanley Cup after making a mid-season coaching change leading the Journal to write this headline: “Why Every NHL Team Should Fire Its Coach”.

So athletes respond to change and it is very likely that workers and family members also respond to hearing a different voice.

This got me to thinking not that we must fire our mothers and fathers every two to four years, but how we should think seriously about changing our messages — the way we talk, empathize and motivate others so that there isn’t just one way.

If it is human nature to respond to new voices, let’s resolve to be one of them.

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No one has all good days.

Dealing with the bad days can be a challenge.

When you focus on helping someone else with their problems and get the attention off your difficulties, bad days can become more tolerable.

When I speak to groups about topics like these, I will often distribute 3×5 cards and ask everyone to write down their three biggest problems in life right now.

No names on the cards.

I collect the cards and redistribute them to everyone else giving them a new card and a new set of problems.

When I ask who wants their own problems back, 100% of the time everyone prefers their own.

Helping others.

Focusing on problems other than ours.

Two positive ways to get through a bad day or a rough patch.

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We love to have our ducks in a row.

Surprises are not something most people want.

Surprises can also be rewarding sources of happiness even ones that are not on the surface happy.

I met my wife by doing something I never do.  I called a temporary service to fill in for a week while I was away doing a conference.  Obviously, she stayed for a lifetime.  And I’m not kidding that the agency wanted me to pay a fee because I married her.

Really?

I know of someone who was surprised that she had breast cancer but even more surprised to find out that she didn’t need chemotherapy.

Or the friend who was surprised her husband was having an affair that led to turmoil, sadness and then a new life with a person who valued her.

The job candidate in radio who didn’t get the job he wanted only to remain on the sidelines for another year until the job of his dreams came along.

Surprises are not so bad because they often have a happy ending.

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Here’s what I do when I receive an email from someone who either assumes I have no feelings or no brains.

I write a simple response. 

“Is this something that you would have said to me in person?”

About half the time I get no response, but rest assured – message delivered.

And believe it when I say about half the time I get an apology, often a lengthier apology than the original insulting email.

Sometimes I make a new friend – and I’m not kidding.

Hiding behind a computer or smartphone doesn’t always bring the best out of us so when you ask a person if they would have said the insulting thing to you in person many realize that they went too far.

Instant communication does not mean instant gratification.

Before you hit “send” assume you may someday have to read that email on the witness stand in a courtroom.

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Gutsy for jumping from the stadium roof onto the field (even if it was recorded in advance).

Electric for the over-the-top Super Bowl halftime show she did.

Talented for her great voice.

These are the things that came to mind when Lady Gaga performed at halftime during Super Bowl 51.

But trolls online had a field day with what they described in all sorts of gross ways as body fat.

In particular, belly fat.

They didn’t like it so they shamed her from the safety and relative anonymity of their mobile devices and social media networks.

Gaga’s response was “I’m proud of my body and you should be proud of yours, too”.

Body shaming is a coward’s game, but it happens all the time.  Not just to girls like Lady Gaga but to children faced with inconsiderate people who are made more powerful through social media.

The best defense against all types of shaming is being proud of yourself the way you are.
There is only one of you, celebrate it.

We don’t live our lives by outsourcing our self-esteem to others.

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Defeated at halftime, winners in the end.

The New England Patriots surprised the Atlanta Falcons by not really using the usual motivational techniques.

Dour head coach Bill Belichick is far from Pete Carroll in that department but somehow even Atlanta became increasingly shocked to see their certain Super Bowl victory slip away as each minute ticked down.

Both teams were the best that football had to offer.  After all, they made it to the ultimate test, the big game.

You’re never out until let yourself believe you are.

Don’t even think about giving up.

And while pep talks have their value, channeling confidence from deep down inside is far preferable.

This applies to the rest of us as well.

The worst news isn’t necessarily the worst until you give up.  Just ask a cancer survivor.

Pep talks are mind candy, but believing in yourself is power food.

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The antidote for feeling threatened is to think of a threat as a challenge.

Not, this is the worst thing that could ever happen.

Instead, this is the biggest problem I have faced in a long time.

One way feeds the stress.

The other is a positive response.

We often anticipate threats to us that are not actually there and are never going to happen.

In fact, most of the things people worry about never occur and when they do, they are rarely exactly the way they were feared.

When you feel fear, feel the challenge to overcome it.

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Picture this.

Before cellphones were developed, how likely would it have been to carry around an old Bell Telephone everywhere you went so you could plug it in for more access.

No one would do that but today because they are light and convenient, we are tethered to our digital devices.

Choose not to use your cellphone if you are in the company of others, taking in life as it happens in real time or able to postpone looking at it.

One of my college students said without her phone, she felt empty.

The phone is a tool, not a way of living.

Cellphones are not ruining lives, people are.

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On the days when – for whatever reason – you’re not feeling happiness …

1. Channel the happiest person in your life and think about how you enjoy being around them.  A friend who never judges and makes you feel good.  Who always has a word of encouragement for others.  Or a special someone who just by being in their presence makes you feel happy.

2. Think about someone you know who is fighting an illness, a problem or a brave relationship or work battle and then remind yourself that as of this day, you are not.

3. Name three people you are grateful for and yes, it can be the same three people every day or someone you just met.  The neighbor who helped you push your car out of the garage so you could jump it.

4. Focus on three things you couldn’t bear to be without and remind yourself of your good fortune – you don’t have to live without them.

5. Embrace the momentary unhappiness so you can compare it later with your good fortune.

Don’t always wait for happiness.

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“Your brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive”.

The author Rick Hanson said this and it rings true.

Bad experiences tend to stick around somehow hanging onto us.

Good one’s flow through us too quickly.

Humans have a negativity bias probably from our hunter/gatherer days where the species was constantly on the lookout for danger.  This bred fear into us where we learn to imagine things will be worse than we expect and discount our ability to deal with them.

By spending even a few minutes a day reviewing the good in our lives, we tend to become more positive.

Negativity is a learned response that we can overcome by reprogramming the brain when good things happen and passing the related good thoughts through our mind – even for a minute – over and over again.

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Why is apologizing so difficult?

None of us are perfect.

Saying sorry is not a repudiation of us as humans. It is a reaffirmation of our humanity when we’ve said something to hurt another.

1. Never say “but” because whatever words follow may appear insincere. It is better to not apologize than to add the word “but”.

2. Avoid “if I offended you, I’m sorry” because it reeks of insincerity. If we offended, we apologize. If we didn’t, we say nothing. If we don’t know for sure, find out.

3. Don’t ask for forgiveness — Forgiveness is up to others to grant. Asking for forgiveness appears to be a quid pro quo. The offended party may need time to see that the offense is not repeated before feeling comfortable enough to forgive.

4. An apology is a gift to ourselves — The burden of offending another is lifted when we admit our humanity and be the person we want to be.

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A number of years ago, The New York Times reported about a group of sociologists who decided to meet at the Grand Canyon to separate from their cellphones and see what happened when they did.

As I remember the account, some participants were against detoxing from the phone and others were for it.

It took 3 days to detox.

Three days before they started talking to each other like people again.  That is, even without a signal, it still took 3 days to get used to being social again.

Some liked it and some did not.

When we decide to rejoin life and our families and put our cellphones in their proper place, it takes time cold turkey to give up this addiction, which of course, it is.

Cellphone addiction is becoming more of an issue in our society today and peer pressure is making perfectly good parents rationalize why it is important for their young children to be connected.

It’s the reverse.

Do not allow a child to have a cellphone until he or she is socially mature – mid-teens — and then peer pressure be damned.  Your kids will be the lucky ones in the end.

In the end, no one will ever regret spending less time with their smartphone and the social media contained within but they will regret all the lost moments that would have been spent with people they care about.

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Power off.

There is no other way.

In France they have a law that forbids businesses from emailing work after hours meaning now with all their great French cuisine, you can actually enjoy it.

Power off.

You don’t need to be connected to your children 24 hours a day (and vice versa).  Fact.

There is research that shows if you simply have a cellphone in the room with you, your emotional health will be compromised.

New rules.

When are you available and when are you not?

Social media is fun but it isn’t that social.  It is a tool not a lifestyle.

Where possible don’t tolerate others imposing their out of control texting and surfing on you.  Stop speaking when they divert attention to their devices until it returns to what you were saying.

When you’re off, power off and enjoy the people and world around you in real time 100% focused.

Go to a place like Vermont as I did last year and try to find a cell signal.  After the panic, I learned (at least for the week) how to use my phone at certain times when a signal was available and rest when it wasn’t.

Phones and mobile devices have taken over our lives.  Time to deal with it.

Power off.

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Brenda Barnes, the former CEO of Sara Lee died a few weeks ago at the age of 63.

She became famous by quitting her job at PepsiCo in 1997 because she wanted to spend more time with her three children – and yes, the company tried hard to keep her.

She served on some boards of powerful companies while taking the time to devote to her children.

Then in 2004 she returned to the corporate world full-time at Sarah Lee and rose to CEO a year later.

But in 2010, Brenda Barnes had a stroke that ended her career.

Like mom, her daughter Erin quit her job at Campbell Soup to help her mother.

At Sarah Lee Barnes introduced a program called “Returnships”, temporary jobs for people out of work to fill the gap on their resumes.  The Wall Street Journal quoted Brenda Barnes as saying “They didn’t lose their brains” even though a lot of companies would never hire them.

Brenda Barnes died as a result of a second stroke.

Before she died she said that women couldn’t have it all, they had to pick and choose.

Somehow, it feels like Brenda Barnes had it all.

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Can you remember four years ago?

Where were you?  Who was in your life?  Where were you working?  How were you feeling?  What were your goals and expectations?

Could you have foreseen four years ago where you are today?

Who is in your life – who is new and who has passed away or moved on?

Are you working at the same job in the same place?  If not could you have seen back then where your career would be today?

Your children and family – are they just four years older or in truth have things happened to their world that no one saw coming?

Were you healthy four years ago and experienced health problems today or vice versa?

I returned to New Jersey and bought a house 7 lots away from the one I sold in 2002, survived a familial aneurysm that I had four years ago but didn’t know about until last June.

I lost two of the best friends I ever had.  And expanded my business and taken on new projects I didn’t anticipate four years ago.

Somehow, we are able to look at others and see the futility in getting ahead of our lives – like, “I would never have seen Donald Trump being president four years ago”.  Or, “Hillary Clinton not being president” as everyone predicted.

See the future one day at a time.

That way you have the latest and best intelligence upon which to make decisions.

There is no need to predict the future.

What’s better is to live in the present 100% focused and to constantly review what the joy and bitterness life hands you and the hopes and dreams you have in real time.

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The magic of TED Talks is that they are designed to give the viewer a gift.

Some meaningful gem that will make their ten-minute videos worth the time spent watching.

We are capable of giving those around us a gift every time we are with them.

A sincere compliment with evidence to make it meaningful to take with them – “you are so good at running meetings because you go out of your way to get everyone’s participation”.

A word of encouragement to keep them motivated — “your hard work will be rewarded”.

Some kind of recognition that they are likely not getting elsewhere — “you are putting in long hours on that project”.

In giving we also receive.

It feels good and makes us feel powerful in a positive way.

The person who can give gifts of praise to others also reaps the benefit of knowing how much they can make a difference in a world of distraction where the good in others is often ignored.

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Deny them a voice.

Disconnect from them on social media.

Don’t let them intimate you or change your mind out of fear of rejection.

Be on the lookout that you are not becoming more tolerant of haters.

Change yourself, not the world.  Others will adapt.

Differing is good.

Your Instagram life is fine.

Control the only thing you can control – you will not be a hater.

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