One goal.

Only one.

One that would change your life for the better.

If someone gave you 365 days to accomplish most goals, you would jump at it and that’s what is better than a New Year’s resolution.

Wonder why gyms and health clubs do their biggest business in January and then the majority of new members disappear by June?

Or why building a better relationship with a family member or friend doesn’t usually last until the next insult?

One goal – the thing that would make a significant difference in your life is worth 365 days of intense focus.

Meet someone special.

Grieve a loss and go on with life (with that person in your mind and by your side).

Quit smoking?  If it’s your one goal and you’ve got 365 days to do it, you likely will.

If we set but one goal a year and made it our focus for 365 days, that’s 5 significant changes in five years, ten in ten years.

Not failure.

Not disappointment.

So if you want to lose weight, enjoy life to the fullest, spend less and save more or spend more time with your friends, the key to change is to choose the one that will inspire you to devote 365 days in a row to achieve it.

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You would think that playing the iconic Princess Leia in Star Wars would be enough to mark a lifetime in the public eye, but Carrie Fisher went at least one further.

Fisher was among the first A level stars to talk intelligently about mental disorders including her own bipolar condition, a mood disorder characterized by highs and lows, depression and unusually high energy.

“It’s kind of a virus of the brain that makes you go very fast or very sad.  Or both.  Those are fun days.  So judgment isn’t like, one of my big good things.  But I have a good voice.  I can write well.  I’m not a good bicycle rider.  So just like anybody else, only louder and faster and sleeps more.  Oh manic depression … how I love you”.

She half-jokingly came up with the idea of Bipolar Pride Day.

Life is not perfect.

We are not perfect.

As hard as we try all of us are subject to forces and conditions not of our choosing, but the one thing that we can control is the way we choose to look at these challenges.

To see the good.

To show appreciation.

To have a sense of humor about ourselves and the human condition that we all share in some way or the other.

That’s why the loss of Carrie Fisher before the holidays was so meaningful.

In a world craving authenticity, the Start Wars fantasy actress was so real.

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Most of us react instead of respond to other people, their ideas and thoughts.

Reacting is knee-jerk, top of mind living that gets us into trouble.

All that is necessary to respond and offer truer feelings is 30 seconds.

30 of the most difficult seconds we could ever suffer through.

Resisting the temptation to jump in and answer when we need the other 29 seconds to think about what we just heard first.

Holding back emotions until we have spent at least 30 seconds getting in touch with those emotions and how to frame them.

My wife and I play a game based around the 30-second rule.

When I jump in and react, I can be reminded that I still had 29.5 seconds left to think about what I was feeling.

When one of us comes up with an idea and we have 20 seconds left, we warn “the first idea could be the worst idea”, a reminder that living in a fast paced world is not necessarily beneficial.

The good news is that it is entirely possible to change the way we positively relate to people and to get to know ourselves better.

Take the full 30 seconds and see if it doesn’t make a difference for you.

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This is the year when cybershopping has really taken off.

You can see more, buy more – often for less – without leaving your screen.

In theory, we have more tools to come up with the perfect gift for those we care about.

The perfect gift is not necessarily something tangible.

It is the gift of your time which, at holiday time, seems like very little left to offer to someone else.

The price is right.

The results beat anything money can buy.

1. A day without screens with your children. In one day, see the magic that occurs when phones, computers and gaming is turned off.  The ultimate gift of rediscovery.

2. No movies for kids in the car. You can’t be serious?  Yes, no child will ever remember the movie she or he watched on the trip to grandma’s for holiday 2016 but they will remember the number of license plates the family saw out the window during their time together.  The gift of parenting with a purpose.

3. Let someone else have YOUR way.  When the choice could be yours, give it up to someone else.  Give someone else the gift of choice and feel what real empowerment is.

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To gain control, you do the opposite – give up control.

When rushing and making mistakes, slow down, do less and get fewer things right.

To feel less stressed, offer more of your time to those around you.

Getting the mind off of you is a secret weapon for dealing with grief, depression and disappointment.

Making other people your 100% focus lifts that which ails us including the stress of everyday living.

Ironically, when we spend more time helping others, we feel less stressed.

No pill, no form of therapy and no spa day even comes close.

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To stop being addicted to people who are not good for us, stop romanticizing them.

A friend who broke up with a longtime companion is distraught but there were problems all along that led to the eventual split.  To forget the problems and romanticize what is missed is a sure ticket to lots of enduring misery.

I once heard a motivational speaker say to break from an addiction to someone, see them as ugly not beautiful.

Their behavior – how it is ugly.

Their temperament – why it was problematic.

Their commitment to you – how was it lacking.

Another powerful way to overcome a relationship we get stuck on – and it happens to everyone – is to say the following.

There is someone waiting to meet me, appreciate me and have a life together.

Positive predictive self-talk like that precedes the arrival of such a person in your life.

It happened to me when my wife walked in because after reminding myself such a person was coming into my life; I was actually expecting her.

Become addicted to self-respect and positive dreams of that which you deserve.

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1.  Also emphasize the gain. The years you spent with your loved one before they passed. Things you have learned from them. Magic moments. The good times with a friend before you broke up.
2. Keep great memories alive. Pictures, routines, special moments. I remember my mother every time I touch garlic – after all, an Italian mom cooks everything with garlic and this branch didn’t fall far from the tree.
3. Find a quality in the person you lost and make it live on through you. If she was the type who never complained, adopt her good quality and try to make it live through your daily actions. That’s a powerful way for the departed to live on.
4. Recognize that there are powerful losses other than death. Divorce is one. Being separated from your children. Another broken relationship that you had high hopes for. The career that hit a bump in the road – after all, many of us identify ourselves by the work we do instead of the things we stand for.

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Things usually get ugly when we react rather than respond.

Reacting, which happens quickly and without much thought, usually leads to hurt feelings and things being said that we will regret later.

Responding is what people do when they want to think first and speak second.

Reacting:

“How dare you say I am selfish, YOU’RE the one who is selfish”. 

It doesn’t really matter at this point if there is any truth to the claim because the damage is done and we’re off to the races.

But responding is the better move.

“I’ve never seen myself as selfish”. 

Not accusing the other of the same thing of which they are accusing you.

The difference between responding and reacting is about 30 seconds.

Let comments – even and especially inflammatory remarks – slosh around in your brain for a half a minute.  You may be surprised to see how superior your brain works when given a few precious seconds.

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Nice people can be complainers, but nothing is more of a turnoff than to be in the company of someone who can find unhappiness in everything.

Many don’t even know they are doing it.

A friend recently told me how unhappy she was at work and when I suggested looking for another job, more complaints followed.

Complainers like to complain.

Life is too important to have it buzz-killed by complainers.

Let them vent for a while but when you realize you can’t get them to stop the negative talk, interrupt with a positive question.

Are you on LinkedIn?  That’s a good start and a positive move toward a better job.

But if the conversation drifts back to the negative – and it will – move on.  Stop the conversation.  Walk away.  Hang up.  End it.

Just as we have MRI evidence that our brain reacts a certain way when we’re happy, the brain can be trained to be negative and you are neither doing yourself or your friend a favor by continuing that negative behavior.

Complaints are good, they allow us to vent.

Fixation on what’s wrong changes our brain and makes it very difficult to have healthy relationships.

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Saying “if I offended you, I am sorry” is not an adequate apology.

Saying “I’m sorry” right away as soon as you’ve offended or hurt someone and repeating it emphatically is.

Actually SAY the thing you are sorry for.

It was insensitive of me to write that on social media.  I regret it and apologize. I hope you can forgive me.

I should never have referred to your weight.  You are a beautiful person as is.  Please forgive me for forgetting that. 

These are authentic apologies because they actually say what you’re sorry for and emphasize that you are indeed sorry.

I should have consulted you before making that decision.  I was wrong.  I will try to be aware of it in the future.  I can do better.

That kind of apology actually elicits love and respect in return.

Because if you haven’t apologized a couple of times today, you aren’t human.

Humans make mistakes and apologizing is not shameful, it’s prideful.

Apologizing in a sincere and authentic way says I will be better and that’s something to always be proud of.

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1.  The next time you walk into a room where there are seats, go to the front and take yours. Simply acting like you have confidence to be down in front, makes you more confident.  Often, the least confident people arrogate in the back.

2. When you get an opportunity to volunteer, be the first to say “I will”.  Words mean a lot to others and even more to our inner self.

3. Let someone else have their way.  The act of deferring to another person shows inner strength and we are rewarded not only with a boost of self-confidence but by gratitude from others.

4. Go one full day without saying the word “can’t”. When we stop running ourselves down, we automatically start building ourselves up.

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John Glenn was the first American to circle the earth in orbit in the early 1960’s when America was losing the space race to the Russians.

Much later at 77 years old, Glenn was the oldest man to ever enter space aboard the space shuttle. In between, he served almost two decades as a senator from Ohio and died recently at the age of 95 – a full life indeed.

Two things.

America needs goals and we as individuals need dreams. Too often we fantasize about our futures without realizing that we have one life and one chance to do all we can to live those dreams.

And, the lesser known story of John Glenn’s wife, Annie, who had a serious stuttering problem for almost 50 years until she came upon a program that purported to help stutterers overcome their disability.

It is said when Annie Glenn called her husband after completing the protocol, he was moved to tears. Annie Glenn then spent the rest of her life helping others deal with stuttering.

Whether our goals are in outer space or deep within ourselves, John and Annie Glenn show us that pursuing your dreams is not just rocket science.

It is the life we deserve.

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Repeat after me …

I’ve done it before. I can do it again.

If I’ve never done it before, I will use an IOU from the many things I have done well in the past.

I am not afraid of failure – I will learn from it.

Assume a virtue if you have it not.

If I don’t believe in me, I don’t have the right to ask anyone else to believe in me.

Now, repeat again and again during the day.

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The best way to deal with difficult people is to make it difficult for them to be difficult.

As much as you may despise their behavior, do not try to change the difficult person. They love that.

Deliver the message that you don’t take them seriously.  They hate that.

Use humor to avoid giving their trouble legitimacy. 

Fog the issue if pressed.  In other words, blow them off.

Difficult people are looking for attention and control.

When they realize that they can neither get your attention nor gain control of your decisions, they may try, but they will fail.

The most difficult person to deal with is one who has earned your trust, one that you are related to or who controls your pay check.

In all case, shift from reactive to proactive to put them in their place.

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Research, metrics, focus groups and other tools exist to help us make better decisions.

But Proctor & Gamble (P&G), General Foods and others have big budgets to test and market new products and yet still don’t bat 1.000.

Before the iPod, MP3 players were a cult product.

When Steve Jobs introduced the iPad, people said who needs a tablet when you have a phone and a laptop.

This is the stuff that humility is made of.

When we make major decisions, we can stick to the facts or we could get the facts and factor in our intuition.

Doubting our gut is always a bad bet if for no other reason than our inner feeling wants to tell us something.

Learn to listen to your intuition, your gut feeling and along with facts better life decisions can be made.

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A recent study in the publication Nature suggests mind wandering is more helpful than hunkering down and becoming obsessed with that which causes anxiety.

Mind wandering?

Let your mind wander away from perceived threats.  As Harvard Medical School points out getting a grip on threats may not be as effective as allowing the mind to wander.

We obsess by focusing in on anxiety not letting go of it and that makes the anxiety even more unbearable.

“So when you’re next feeling anxious or wired, try allowing your mind to do what it naturally does — wander!”

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If you do this one thing, everything else will fall into place.

Manage others exactly as you would like to be managed.

Talk to them the way you best respond to others.

Ask them to help you, don’t tell them – the way you like to hear it.

Show the compassion and understanding that managers often lack but everyone craves.

Build others up, do not tear them down because all of us hate that and yet it is so pervasive in today’s work culture.

Harvard promotes working in teams, but not without the human relations skills to deal with divergent points of view.

In other words, if there is one way to become more effective at managing people, you need only one thought all day.

Manage others exactly as you would like to be managed.

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Thanksgiving weekend marked the revival of the hit television series Gilmore Girls.

A generation or two curled up to watch the new episodes on Netflix but also to go back and watch complete previous seasons.

Binge-watching has been made possible by Netflix and it is a useful tool to consume TV content on your schedule.

What if we binged on friends putting aside extra time to catch up with people who are important to us?

Or binge on family and relatives.  The author Dr. Amit Sood always says each Christmas he counts the number of Christmases he has left with his mother and father based on actuarial tables, not to get depressed, but to get inspired to share these valuable moments.

There are people in our lives right now that need to hear our voices, see our faces and spend time 100% focused on them.

What a wonderful way to extend the gift of binge-watching to enhance meaningful relationships.

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No one is going to surprise us what is causing anxiety and stress in our lives because chances are we already know. 

We already know what is eating us alive but we don’t seem to have the will to stop it.

The smartphone is not making us happier, but we know that and continue to hold it in our hand and focus more attention on that than people who really matter.

Social media, email, texting and an endless path to connectivity has actually made us less connected to people we used to experience in person, but that’s not a revelation either.

Multitasking is inefficient and more stressful than setting priorities yet a day doesn’t go by that someone with a phone in hand says, “keep talking, I’m listening” while they sit there distracted.  And that person sitting there is also us.

Taking on too much work that we cannot complete is a recipe for burnout only because one of the most important words is not being used – no.  Saying yes and killing yourself is not a good outcome but it is the one chosen time after time at work.

Hating on people at work is what other people do, right?  It is a total waste of time because eventually what you dislike in another changes the good things about you.

Not enough exercise and healthy diet makes us tired, disagreeable and sick.  Still, look where most of us go to eat lunch.

And having a career and raising a family is stressful beyond description.  We do it, but we often don’t do it well if we’re winding up burned out.   It’s not the total amount of time you spend with family members, it’s the total time you spend 100% present.

Burnout is often self-inflicted because in almost every instance, there is a better choice.

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There are almost too many ways to coax us into being more productive.

But here’s the one I love, use and would like to share with you this morning.

It’s called the 3 P’s.

Purposeful positive progression.

Every time you touch a project or task, try to advance it in some positive way that makes sense for your end goal.  It is not necessary to complete it all at once.

The fastest way to be unproductive is to take on or assign big projects or tasks to people who understandably will be overwhelmed so where to begin?

Want a new job?

That’s a big process.  Divide it into small steps that positively take you toward your goal.  Working draft of a resume.  Find out what your services are worth elsewhere to establish a fair base.  Isolate the companies you want to approach, etc.

Need to do a major presentation on top of everything else you do? 

Divide it into a handful of smaller steps that will take you to completion.

There is a great saying.

Want to get something done?

Give it to a busy person to do.

Because by necessity everything busy people touch moves their work in a purposeful positive progression toward success.

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