My father used to love to read obituaries.

Growing up, I thought it morose but he was fascinated by all the things he didn’t know about the departed.  And journalists will tell you obituaries are among the best researched and written pieces in any publication.

A great way to build a more meaningful life is to take inventory on where you’re at today.  If an obituary was written about you now when you don’t need it, what would it say?

Accomplishments, shortcomings, what effect did your life have on other people close to you and those who came in contact with you.

Then live on in good health.

Adjust your goals and reprioritize how you use your time to make your time on this earth more valuable and rewarding.

People on their deathbed often lament the things they wished they had done if they could live their lives over again.

By writing an obituary you don’t need now, you get that second chance tomorrow.

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Harvard Medical School’s work on positive psychology is turning up some valuable coping mechanisms for reducing stress.

Positive outlooks help smooth out the ups and downs in life thus making it less stressful.

Here is the compelling evidence:

1. Gratitude – A 2003 study of people with chronic illness showed that when they kept a three week daily gratitude journal along with a rating form, positive changes were reported by significant others close to them plus they benefited physically, slept longer and woke up more refreshed.
2. Strengths – By articulating strengths rather than weaknesses, respondents improved their self-esteem and their moods.  Mind you, all this happened by simply taking inventory of their five signature strengths.
3. Savoring Pleasure – When participants in a 2008 study of depressed persons in the Netherlands focused on positive reminiscences, they began to think of their futures in a more positive light.
4. Flow – When you’re fully engaged in activities, you are less like to ruminate about disturbing thoughts.
5. Meaning – In a study, heart attack patients who blamed their heart attacks on others were more likely to have a second heart attack within 8 years but those who found some benefit in their health crisis such as appreciating life more were less likely to have a recurrence.
6. Mindfulness – The skin legions of patients undergoing treatment for severe psoriasis cleared more rapidly when they listened to audiotapes of mindfulness intervention during treatment sessions.

I find myself turning to Positive Psychology from Harvard Medical School ($26) for many ways to harness the power of happiness, mindfulness and inner strength.

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Legendary college basketball coach John Wooden who won 10 national titles in 12 years at UCLA loved to win, but he never talked about it to his players.

Instead, Wooden just told them this:

Maximize your potential. 

That way, it took the pressure off them and gave them peace of mind when they reached their full potential.

The genius of this approach is that when we chase someone else’s dreams, we often come up short.  Of course Wooden had some great players on his teams (Lew Alcindor known now as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Bill Walton to name a few).  But Wooden also had a championship team with no player taller than 6’5”.

This is great advice for us.

Keep your mind off winning – just being better.

Never try to be better than anyone else just be the best that you can be. 

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Morley Winograd and Michael Hais in their books about Millennials remind us that the reason Congress is so gridlocked in partisan politics is because the baby boomers who make up most of our elected representatives are an idealistic generation.

Their seminal moment was to be for the Vietnam War or against it and baby boomers seemed split down the middle on that issue.

They don’t tend to compromise and are not likely to start now even if they must lose their jobs as a result of sticking firmly to their views.

Millennials, some 95 million strong and coming of age, indicate what the future will be like.  

Find the common ground. 

The Millennial generation is more pragmatic and civic – let’s get something done.

Compromise has always been a winner in relationships, marriages and work with success going to those who can do it.

But increasingly compromising is not an option but a requirement.

We’re going to have to know how to find common ground and still hold our views – a skillset that is worth working on now.

One way to get started is to get a feeling for being more accommodating – look for opportunities to compromise on things.  See why the next generation embraces it so easily when it becomes a natural part of the way you think.

Look for opportunities to give more than you have to and you will begin to rehearse a major societal change that will be necessary in all human interaction.

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Time for some homework.

Try any (or all) of these people pleasers and see why you will feel good about yourself and those around you. 

1.  Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.  The best way to get someone to be interested in what you have to say is to be interested in what they have to say first.

2.  It’s not about you; it’s about them if you want people to like you.

3.  Compromise.  The unofficial definition of diplomacy is the fine art of letting other’s have your way. 

4.  The surprising reality is that most people care more about being heard than getting you to change your point of view.  Be a great listener. 

5.  Give back compliments when they are given to you.  You’ll hear more praise and appreciation when you hand a compliment back like a hot potato.

6.  A sincere compliment is one in which you not only tell the other person what you like about them but cite evidence or an example to give it meaning.  Everything else is just flattery which doesn’t go far.

7.  To be authentic, admit your frailties. Nothing makes a person look so good as when they admit mistakes and show their imperfections.  Yes, be human and show it.  It’s irresistible.

Most of the time we don’t need a course in human relations.  We just need to revisit treating others the way we like to be treated.

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There is a neighbor of mine who will be 90 years young this May. 

As she tells it, she lived in one house, raised a family, cared for a husband until his death for 61 years running.  She is in great health and doesn’t need to go to a “retirement” community, she just believes now is the time for the next phase of her life – at 90!

She is on my favorites list for a quick call to help me when I need a dose of gratitude.  Among her wise observations:  Nothing is perfect but I have no complaints.  I watched the snowstorm the other day from 5 stories above it – it was beautiful while it seems the media has us complaining about the storm.

Some people can’t get out of their own way – nothing seems to make them happy.  Not money, not power, not friends or family – nothing.

Life is filled with challenges and obstacles all along the way, but as happy people will tell you they can counter balance the ups and downs of life by granting themselves the permission to feel good.

Choose how you feel about what is happening to you.

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Before starting each new semester at USC I always reminded my students that they are paying several thousand dollars for the class they enrolled in.

Their parents paid for it, a scholarship covered it or most likely, they would be paying for this course with interest in the form of a student loan for much of their adult lives.

And yet, education is the only thing I can think of that people want the least of for their money (i.e., “Professor, how many classes can we miss?” or “Can we work online and not come to class?”).  We don’t tell a car dealer, “Can I leave out the air conditioning I already paid for?”

Long after you’ve taken most classes, you really don’t remember much about them.

Unless you have discovered the one thing, the big thing, that will bring you success.

We want to succeed, but we’re not always willing to practice.

An Olympian can’t hope for gold, silver or bronze without rehearsing specifically that which can lead to success.

Great golfers say don’t just practice, practice with a purpose.  Hitting tons of balls doesn’t make anyone better at golf.

Focus on becoming skilled at things that really matter.

To be a better salesperson, focus on one thing that will make you better and rehearse it constantly like an Olympic athlete.

If you want to be a better parent, choose one major quality that you want to possess and practice it over and over again.

Most of us have it the wrong way.

We don’t need to be all that smarter.  We just need to practice the right stuff.

Practice with a purpose to rehearse for success.

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Maybe you know someone with a handicap – a child, a friend or perhaps you have one yourself.

My father was a career military man, a major in The United States Army. 

His leg was amputated – not as a result of the war he fought in, but due to the ravages of coronary artery disease.

He lived a “normal” life for a handicapped person from then on doing almost everything he used to do and some things he never dreamed of. 

You heard of the one armed paperhanger?

Not too long after his rehabilitation this determined Italian man wallpapered an entire room on a stepladder without the aid of an assistant becoming a one legged paperhanger. 

There is an amazing TED video by Maysoon Zayid, the Palestinian immigrant who was born with Cerebral Palsy in my beloved home state of New Jersey.  It’s funny, touching and inspiring.  If you have the time you can see it here.

But at least forward to the end when Maysoon talks about being able to overcome just about anything from disease to discrimination – everything except the Internet later in her life.  In a world where some people with a bully mentality go to get mean, the Internet was Maysoon’s biggest concern as an adult.

We know too well that bullying in social media is killing young people these days.

The Internet is also a tool for good – to help others, encourage those needing a kind word, share information and experiences and to become a community.  We must never let the bullies take this great asset away or diminish it.

In golf, a handicap is an asset that allows everyone to play the game on an equal basis.

There is no greater handicap in life than to limit the potential of others because we cannot see their inner fire and determination.

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Amazon boss Jeff Bezos used those words to describe – perhaps disingenuously – the plight of small book publishers who seemingly have no chance to compete against the giant Amazon.

That aside, complaining is not a strategy for anyone.

• Venting is good, obsessing about it not so useful or helpful.
• If you become less judgmental, you will likely complain less.
• Accept responsibility because it will either motivate you to fix your problem or let it go.
• The question to ask when you catch yourself getting ready to complain is would you like to complain or be happy.

I like what football coach Lou Holtz says:  “Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them”.

But you may remember Randy Pausch who famously lectured about life and death during the final days of the disease that claimed his life.  Pausch said, “Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.”

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When you say, “I’m stressed” you might just as well be saying, “I am the reason I am stressed”.   Blaming circumstances or others doesn’t help as we find out over and over again.

We cannot be stressed without our own expressed permission.

Prioritize rather than multitask.

Take control over digital devices because they are wonderful tools until we let them dictate the flow of daily living.

It’s up to you to clamp down on time wasters – they will never do it voluntarily.

Drama kings and drama queens have no place in our happy lives unless we like the stress they try to bring to us.

Even big problems and/or emergencies are not stress producers.  It is the way we respond.  I chose the word respond not react.  Reacting to circumstances is stressful.  Responding is transformational.

Hurt, disappointment and heartbreak are feelings that it is okay to have but not to dwell on.

A good night’s sleep after a tough day is a stress buster. 

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Few resolutions last even through January.

Good intention, bad idea.

Here’s what agents of change do when they want a proven way to take a good intention and turn it into a life changing strategy.

Focus on only one person.

Maybe it’s you or your spouse, your boss, a child, a friend.  Think it through.  Who is the one person that if you improved your relationship would bring you more happiness and success?

A long list is useless but identifying the one person who could make a difference in your life allows you to strategize about the various ways to accomplish this.

You may not be surprised to find that many people who are successful at evolving focus on themselves.  Want to he happier?  Spend more family time?  Look for a more fulfilling job?  Want to be nicer to yourself?  More appreciative of what you have?  More resilient?  More confident?  More social?  

Change is difficult enough but without 100% focus it is likely to be unrealized.

This is an intriguing alternative.

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Colin Powell has a great way of putting it.

“In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity we know our friends.”

As the year comes to an end and we reflect on our accomplishments – and sometimes it’s an accomplishment just making it to the end of the year in one piece – beware that some people do not want us to grow. 

They are human. We are all human.  But it is better to associate with people who can help us achieve that which we desire.  What a great time to think about this!

Powell’s suggestions:

• Never receive advice from unproductive people.
• Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution because those who never succeed themselves are always the first to tell you.
• Don’t follow anyone who’s not going anywhere.

You become like those with whom you closely associate.

Are you even tougher on yourself than you should be?  We can all relate. 

Maybe we should heed Colin Powell’s advice and be tougher on who we choose as friends.

We elevate our game when we are around achievers.

Sometimes the smartest move you can make is to choose friends wisely and at the same time continue being the fine person you are.

Talk about self-gifting – that sounds like a pretty good one.

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It’s hard at holiday time – and let me just say it — to go on when there is someone missing from our lives.  This may be the first holiday that they are gone or it may be many years.  The emotion is often as strong.

We can’t bring them back – or maybe we can in a very special way.

• Recite the names of departed loved ones who are in your head on a daily basis.  As long as we do not forget, they are alive.
• Pick a trait that the people who you miss the most have and make it your life’s mission to have that trait live on through you.
• Populate your house, desk and office with pictures of people who have died so that you can see them.  I will sometimes even talk to my best friend or my father when I see the picture.  A person’s positive energy never dies.
• Make a meal that reminds you of the person you miss.  I loved my mother’s Italian cooking and every attempt I make to duplicate her great meals becomes a joyous remembrance of her.

Perhaps you will share your ways to keep the memory of someone you miss alive.

Oscar Hammerstein in the musical Carousel wrote:  “As long as there is one person on earth who remembers you, it isn’t over.

The best theory I have ever heard about that negative self-talk that plagues all of us at sometime in our lives is to put a stop/loss on rumination.

Ever notice that a person tormented by negative thinking (perhaps even ourselves) helplessly goes on and on without the hope of breaking that pattern of negative thought.  It’s hard to listen to let alone articulate.

Give it ten minutes.

That’s it – no more, no less.

When you recognize the next bout of negative thinking coming on – go ahead, indulge yourself for ten minutes.  Then it ends.  You move on and hopefully start dealing with the circumstances that have caused all this upset.

Then get away from the problems and focus on you.

Self-care is not selfish.  It is an act of love that we all deserve.

If we took even half the time that we spend on physical fitness for our emotional well being, it would make all the difference in the world.

Researchers and physicians say about half of happiness depends on genetics and the other half comes from things that occur in our everyday life although it is a short duration.

That leaves 12% that is directly in our hands – enough to swing our moods up in the direction of a happier life.

1. Little goals work as well as big life changing goals.  In fact, an endless list of goals tends to make people more consistently happy.
2. Faith, family, community and work are now identified as the main areas of concentration that can help us to influence that 12% that is actually in our hands to use.
3. Money can buy relief from poverty but it can’t buy happiness.  As I’ve suggested before, researchers say that anything over $80,000 a year in compensation doesn’t make individuals happier.  And, of course, The Beatles were right that money can’t buy us love.
4. Satisfaction at work or career goes a long way toward fulfilling that extra 12% of happiness that is within our control.

And here is a little known secret that was shared with me that I now want to share with you.

When we get our minds off of ourselves – even for just a little time every day – and concentrate on others, we immediately become happier.  It’s anti-intuitive to most because it doesn’t directly lead to a resolution of our problem at hand.  But it works.

The first day I tried this I was desperate – everything had seemingly gone wrong.  Focus on others and it is the gift of enlightenment about the elusiveness of happiness.

Christmas is the Christian celebration of the birth of Christ and yet over the past few decades the holiday (some say, “holy” day) has become more secular.

The malls are open but the stores are not as decked out because many of the investment banks that own retail outlets have their bottom line to watch.

This year, financial experts say that the soft economy is impacting the amount of money that can be spent on giving Christmas gifts to others but ironically, at the same time, the practice of self-gifting is growing rapidly.

Presents for yourself.

And retailers are tapping into this (remember, I said this whole thing has become more secular).  Apple is going to be joining lots of other companies with post-Christmas promotions aimed at the giver.  In other words, the 12 days of Christmas has become the 12 days after the 25^th when we can spend the money we got or saved at Christmas.

This is how it is, but there is another type of self-gifting that costs nothing and delivers great rewards:

• Give yourself a break.  Promise yourself many days when you get off your own back.  Perhaps the greatest gift of all is self-forgiveness.  We are human.  We do our best.  We can do better.  But we have done all we can for now.
• Give yourself an IOU.  Every time you do something well, make a significant accomplishment or handle a difficult promise, issue an IOU to yourself to redeem the next time you need a boost of confidence.
• Give your love.  We live in a world focused on being loveable, getting love or having more of it.  Start with yourself.  Let me help.  Finish this sentence:  “I love this about myself”.   How many of these can you come up with?
• Give yourself the gift of dreaming.  Everything good started with a dream from someone whether it is a relationship, a movement, a cause or a business.
• Give yourself the gift of hope.  Life without hope is actually death.  As long as we’re here and we’re on this earth, all things are possible.

Self-gifting at stores before and after Christmas can be fun, but if we’re going to give ourselves a gift, make it one that lasts for a long time to come.

We do more to find ways to live longer than we do to live better.

For some reason, we like diets, and vitamins, exercise, yoga, psychotherapy, medicine and even religion to add more years onto our lives.

Whether you are 18 or 88, the desire is always there.  A Mayo Clinic physician once told me that people who abuse their health often say, “you have to die from something” until it’s time to die.  

Why wait for that doomsday scenario when we can add more productive years to our lives starting right now — today.

By not living a day without an accomplishment, you guarantee more productive years.

Let’s do the math.

If you add up all the days in the past year when you’ve had all you can do to handle life’s problems or at best not accomplish any of your goals, it could be considered a day you’d like to live over.

Multiply that times your life expectancy and you’ve discovered the secret to adding more productive years by making each day one of accomplishment.  Then, if you’re blessed with good health, good genes and a longer lifetime, it gets even better.

When people die they never regret the time they spent well but they almost always wish they could have back the time they squandered.

My own personal goal is to set some goals (business, personal, health and family) everyday and shoot for at least one accomplishment a day.

Live life with no regrets.

There it was in a New York Times article about Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi Scheme victims five years later.

A man who sold his business and put the proceeds in the ill-fated Madoff scheme said, “When your life gets altered overnight, you realize you don’t have to keep doing everything you’ve been doing.  You don’t need to belong to a country club, or drive an expensive car or buy expensive jewelry”.

Previously I have written about studies that show any more than $80,000 a year is more than you need to be happy.

You may not agree, but the majority of those polled did not assess their own lives as being happier because they earned more money, had more things, went to more places.

Often when people simplify their lives, they increase their happiness and now we know that there is research evidence to back it up.

So, for those of us who have seen our world overturned, there is hope.

I used to tell my USC music industry students that Hollywood was filled with people who have more money than you could ever dream of but far less happiness.

In fact, even if our lives aren’t altered overnight, the remedy is the same.

Do more of the things you crave and not earn more money at the expense of happiness.

Money is a good thing.  It’s just not a happiness pill.

We can be addicted to drugs, alcohol, work, sex, food, spending money we don’t have by shopping. 

We can even become addicted to religion.

For many years Alcoholics Anonymous has been a fabulous resource for many people looking to overcome their addictions.

But the essence of changing a life around is one word.

Choice.

At some point, if we’re really serious about dealing with our problems, we have to make a choice – a decision, a new plan to forge ahead.

And when we’re tempted to go back, we have to constantly remember that life isn’t living us, we are living life – in other words, we are knowingly making a choice.

This concept goes beyond addiction.  It also applies to success and happiness.

We may be downtrodden, but we have a choice to fight back.

We may have gotten the worst break and our lives are off track, but it is up to us if we are going to focus on the one thing that will bring us back – the choice.

When people allow their lives to go bad, they cannot fix it with co-dependent people surrounding them.

They need to face up to the fact that if they don’t make a choice, their lives will never change.

Choice is a freeing thing.

But it is also, an instant confidence builder. 

Finally resolve the issues that you have been wrestling with – choose a path – and just the act of making that choice will palpably make you feel more confident and happy.

You’ve heard of unemployment – actually, it seems like we’ve heard nothing but that for years.

And there is “over-qualified” which is usually said when we don’t get the job we want when we have more than enough skills to do.

But have you ever heard of under-employment?

That’s what Millennials are facing as they come of age in an economy that doesn’t offer the promise that their parents had when they first entered the workforce.

Actually, Millennial parents are facing under-employment as well because business experts say that if a person loses their career after the age of 50, it may be the last career job they ever have.

The cure for under-employment is redeployment.

Adapt to the new world.  Go back to school.  Chase another dream.

Here is what I advise audiences when I speak on this topic:

1.  Make a list of 5 things that you would like to do with your life without regard to your education, experience or current position.

2.  You may not put anything to do with your current field of work on that list – after all, we’re looking to stretch ourselves here.

3.  Resist the temptation to leave something off that list because you are not trained for it or because you think you’re too young or too old.

4.  Take as much time as you need to come up with 5 viable ideas.  If you can throw this list together in one day, throw the list out.  This takes forethought.

What you will find is that if you’re an orthopedic surgeon and tired of practicing medicine, you may want to go into fashion.

That’s exactly what Taryn Rose, M.D. did – she left medicine to design comfortable and fashionable shoes for women and men.  

Are you willing to stretch yourself to find a new beginning?

And it’s never too late – as Colonel Sanders found out when he founded his fast food business well past middle age.

The “secret recipe” to surviving under-employment is to transcend what the marketplace has to offer us at any given time and get to what we have to offer now.