People can control their attitude.

Their reputation.

The ability to filter out negative crosstalk that seeps into their heads.

But controlling people cannot be done in spite of the fact that almost everyone keeps trying to do it – it drives people away and makes the controller unhappy.

Attitudes can be controlled, people cannot be.

The only way to get control of anything is to give up control – accept that which you cannot change.

If this DayStarters has been forwarded to you by a friend, you can start receiving a new one every day here.

Subscribe to DayStarters

Hate your enemies and you become them.

Forgive but don’t forget and you rise above them.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting.

Letting go of the pain they inflict feels so much better than holding on to something that continually hurts and makes us more like the people we detest.

If this DayStarters has been forwarded to you by a friend, you can start receiving a new one every day here.

Subscribe to DayStarters

“I was thinking about you”

We think about people in our lives every day, but do we tell them?

Share it – you’re already thinking it. 

This is one phrase that is effective in any form of communication – text, phone, in-person or video.

Action step:  make one minute or less QuickTime video and send it to the person you are thinking about.

If someone puts you down, they are a fool.

If you put yourself down by underestimating your potential and accomplishments, you are the bigger fool.

Allowing others to tear you down is self-destruction.

No one succeeds who doubts themselves.

Keep trying to change someone and you will always be miserable.

Change their politics.

Their priorities.

Their goals.

Their beliefs.

It cannot be done.

Concentrate on the one person you can change – you.

1. Think of your latest victory.
2. And how you do your best to handle adversity.
3. Recall a success in dealing with difficult people.
4. Forgive yourself for not being perfect.
5. For what and for whom are you grateful to have in your life at this moment.

The opposite of FOMO is going on an adventure and experiencing the unexpected.

FOMO has been proven to add anxiety to everyday living.

Lower expectations and set off on an adventure, give up control and let whatever happens happen.

Replace fear of missing out with willingness to go all in.

One key doesn’t open every lock and there is no one way to get people to cooperate – it takes a different key to unlock people.

Sometimes it’s not even a key, but a FOB.  Assuming that one way to win cooperation from any someone will work on everyone will lead to disappointment.  Every person requires different things.  So the idea is not to use a master key to get the best out of people but to carry around a bunch of keys that will inspire others to follow you.

I ain’t lookin’ to compete with you
Beat on, cheat on, mistreat you
Simplify you, classify you
Deny, defy, mystify you

Frighten you or uptighten you
Drag you down or drain you down
Chain you down or bring you down

Now I ain’t lookin’ to block you up
Dock or rock or lock you up
Analyze you, categorize you
Finalize or advertise you

I don’t want to straight-face you
Race or chase or track or trace you
Or disgrace you or displace you
Or define you or confine you

Now I don’t want to meet your kin
Make you spin or do you in
Or select you or dissect you
Or inspect you or reject you

All I really want to do … is be friends with you.

All I Really Want to Do lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Darwin talked about survival of the fittest but now a new book is focusing on survival of the friendliest.

Cooperation and sociability are turning out to be just as important as physical strength and endurance especially in the high-tech age.

Dogs and wolves are cited as examples.  Wolves being strong and fierce and dogs being their friendly descendants.  Wolves are endangered.  Dogs are people’s best friend and exist in great numbers.

Friendliness may be worth doubling down on from the board room to personal relationships.  Learning how to win cooperation and teamwork are the skills that can make us thrive.

Alex Trebek has had two heart attacks, survived brain surgery for blood clots, lived through an automobile accident and now is fighting a deadly and painful cancer, pancreatic.

Last year, he was sighted in his office so sick from chemotherapy that he was on the floor sobbing in pain.  And yet he refused to cancel the marathon tapings of “Jeopardy!”.

Announcer Johnny Gilbert is quoted as saying “Once I introduce him on that stage, he is Alex Trebek.  You can tell that that’s what he’s living for.”

What are we living for?  What makes us work through pain, disappointment and anxiety to overcome adversity.  Alex Trebek is putting on a real time clinic.

• Mistakes are not to be feared because they help us adjust, learn and grow.
• When mistakes are made that inadvertently hurt others, a sincere apology can smooth them over.
• Think of it – we hate making mistakes even though a person has yet to be born who doesn’t make lots of them.
• Turn that around to look like welcoming mistakes the way we accept directions from Waze and Google Maps – information needed to get us to our destination not meant to discourage.

Those who have beaten cancer don’t waste time bemoaning their misfortune.

They speak of victory not victimhood.  About what they have accomplished not the disease.  Next time our jobs are stressing us, or we have to deal with relationship problems or any other adversity we face, let the cancer survivor remind us to focus on our victories not just our difficulties.

Bullying is not reserved to big loud obvious people.  Even quiet voices can intimidate.

Being left out is a subtle form of bullying that says you are not like us and until you are you will not be included.  When people are voicing disappointment, they are gaining the right to vote on our behavior — if we listen.  It’s difficult to not be affected because the human condition is to do what it takes to get along. One solution is to reclaim the right to vote on how you feel about the way people talk to you.  Repeated negative comments about age, appearance, weight or personal preferences can be as painful as a punch in the gut.  When someone tries to have your way, vote no.

Social media and traditional media have the effect of a direct pipeline to the brain.

In the 1940s, newspapers delivered the news once a day morning or evening.  Photojournalism was reserved for the movie theater well after the events happened.  In the TV age of the 1960s footage of the Vietnam war was flown back to the U.S. in time for the evening news.  Around 2000 you could use a computer to search for news.  Now news that is often anxiety producing is delivered constantly on digital devices.  To manage anxiety, it now means managing the flow of necessary news.  The technology is 24/7 but you schedule the delivery that is least stressful.

Confidence grows when things are going well and wanes when adversity strikes.

There is no one thought that can deliver increased confidence but there is one sure way to rehearse it.  Actions speak louder than words.

There is research that shows those who confidently walk into a speech or presentation wind up acting more confidently. Believing you can handle a crisis helps assure that you will (“I have handled problems like this before and I will do it again.”)  All the motivational books, videos and speeches in the world are not as effective as acting confident because if you do, you will unlock the secret.  Or as Shakespeare says “assume a virtue if you have it not.”

To receive tomorrow’s DayStarters, click here.

Starting now, no one is allowed to say hurtful or critical things directly into your subconscious.  It will just repeat on a continuous loop of pain.

No one gets to allow their anxiety to rub off on you.  This is within your power to control and we all have plenty of anxiety of our own to deal with.

No one is allowed to hurt your feelings so keep in mind that veiled insults are often compliments turned around by insecure people.

Think of your mind as a recording device – what kind of things do you want repeating in your head?

To receive tomorrow’s DayStarters, click here.

Tristan Harris used to work for Google as a code writer where he soon discovered that apps and websites existed for the sole purpose of serving ads – not mental health or less anxiety.

Now Harris has become an advocate for taking control of our digital devices without giving up the more useful aspects.

1. Turn off all notifications except from real live people
2. Using grayscale instead of the more inviting color.
3. Limit your first screen of apps to just tools–the apps you use for quick in-and-out tasks like Maps, Camera, Calendar, Notes, or Lyft. Move the rest of your apps, especially mindless choices off the first page and into folders.
4. Charge your device outside of your bedroom.
5. Remove social media from your phone – it is the attention black hole.

For more about these and other ways to take control of your digital life, click here.

To receive tomorrow’s DayStarters, click here.

When we make a decision, we automatically own it but the fear of making a mistake is always lurking in our minds.

Letting someone else decide is safer, but not always better.  Guessing turns decision making into a bet, we either win or lose.  Not doing anything seems safe, but it is the most dangerous thing to do when something important needs to be considered.

Back to the Ted Williams Principle – baseball’s most prolific hitter in a single season who got on base over 40% of the time.  It got down to the last day of the season – a doubleheader – in which Williams’ manager offered to let him sit on the bench for one or both games to assure that he would enter the record books.  Williams chose to play – both games.  He finished the season batting .406.

Whether he maintained his .400 average or lost it, Ted Williams reminds us it is better to act like a winner than avoid making a decision.  It turned out to be the first of his six eventual batting titles.

To receive tomorrow’s DayStarter, click here.

A puzzle cannot be put together with any one piece.  It takes many.

Happiness does not occur from any one thing.

With a puzzle, time and perspective are required to know where the next piece fits in.

Time is the friend of happiness because it allows perspective to see what we value and  where things fit in to our lives.

In both puzzling and life, it is the sum of the pieces that produces the final result.

To receive tomorrow’s DayStarters, click here.