A number of years ago the successful hockey coach Mike Keenan devised a way to steady the road to success and factor out periods of team failure.

He divided up the hockey schedule into ten-game increments.

This way players could go on a tear and overachieve or they could withstand a slump and not become so obsessed with it that they couldn’t turn it around.

Most of us don’t divide our goals into stages which is why a losing streak can really be a terminal setback.

The thing is to put goals into perspective – time periods that begin, restart or end, dividing work tasks up so that they might be addressed in doable pieces instead of all at once.

One step at a time is an idiom that takes on more meaning when we take them in separate flights not all at once to ascend to the top. 

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To solve a problem, we must know what it is.

So why do we skip that step and get right to solving something we only think we know?

The Dale Carnegie Course teaches problem solving and arguably one of the most important steps is to identify the problem first.

Yes, we’re all in for solving problems even if we don’t know what they are.

Emotion factors in, fear, anxiety.

Finding the solution is not as difficult as clearly defining the problem.

Here’s the 6-step problem-solving formula:

1. What is the real problem (not imagined, convoluted, hurtful or emotional)?
2. What are the causes?
3. What are the possible solutions?
4. What is the best solution?
5. Take action.
6. Set a time to revisit your solution.

No workable solution can be found without using these steps.

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It’s harder to do than we think.

Can’t is a word that pops up all day long and the more we hear it, the more it becomes believable.

Make a mental note every time you hear the word “can’t” and every time you say it. 

The same applies to the word “won’t” – a sneaky variation of “can’t”.

Find ways to replace it with “will” i.e., “I can’t make it by 6:30” now becomes “I believe I will arrive by (whatever time is reasonable).” Or “I can’t do that presentation in front of all those people” which becomes “I will try to do that presentation in front of all those people.” 

Can’t is a limiter.

Will is a promoter.

One declares defeat before trying.

The other anticipates victory because you’re trying.

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Today is the day to be good enough.

To be immune to the comments from others that hold you back.

The thing is, we give our best more frequently than we admit but allow negativity to steal the reward of feeling really good about it.

The bet to never make is the one against you.

Why do that to yourself – why work so hard and still find a way to block your own success?

It’s often easier to buy a lottery ticket than it is to put a down payment on your abilities.

If you won’t, how can you expect others to bet on you?

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Read some sample chapters of my book Out of Bad Comes Good, The Advantages of Disadvantages here.

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The one thing everyone wants – no, craves – is approval.

All of us are always looking for approval.

Approval is the gift that keeps on giving.

Take a moment and think of the one person in your life that you admire most and you’re probably looking at someone who gives you constant approval.

The thing is to generate as much approval for others as you can while being 100% sincere.  To not be sincere is to be controlling.

Find the good in everyone and tell them.

People you know and people you don’t know.

Giving approval is like that Doritos tortilla chips commercial that’s says “crunch all you want, we’ll make more”.

To feel good about doing the one thing that is guaranteed to make others feel good at no cost to you is the most valuable gift you can give.

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Read some sample chapters of my book Out of Bad Comes Good, The Advantages of Disadvantages here.

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Don’t.

Name a person who likes criticism?

But to make suggestions, help someone improve or go to the next level, the most effective way is to do it indirectly.

Talk about this specific problem in terms of you not them – this way it will not be taken as criticism. 

Then, suggest specific things (cures, ideas, hints) that the other person will want to hear because it is not criticism. 

Always end with a word of encouragement that what you’re talking about is possible for that specific person. 

No one would be insulted to be treated in this way because it is the most positive way to allow another person to learn from their mistakes.

And yes, it works on children as well.

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When everything is going great, it’s easy to have confidence.

And then something happens and we look over our shoulders wondering what’s about to go wrong.

One or two challenges to confidence and poof – we start wondering what’s wrong.

Confidence is as perishable as fresh food – when it doesn’t get consumed, it rots.

So, consume confidence.

Use it when it comes your way and save it for when you need a reminder (like on a list or inputted into a notes app on a smartphone that you can scroll through).

No one can escape the loss of confidence from time to time.

That’s exactly when it helps to use the confidence you gained previously to make it through the rough times.

Waiting for everything to go great is a long wait that is unnecessary when you dedicate yourself to reminding yourself of all the successes you’ve had.

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Animals adapt to their environment – even over the ages changing their appearance so as to protect themselves from other predators.

But humans also become like the people in our lives.

If they are less ethical, it challenges our ethics.

If they are rude, we adapt and sometimes change our tolerance to rudeness.

If they cheat, we may not become cheaters but we will spend some effort to resist the outside pressures exerted by others.

Less obsession with making friends.

Or collecting friends on social media.

More attention to who we want as friends.

Having people who share the values that define us in our lives is being a good friend to them and to yourself.

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We know a confident person when see one, right?

Not necessarily.

People can learn to act confident, speaking with force, make decisions even if they are not good ones and who wants to be left suffering fools like this?

Real confidence comes from deep inside.

Humility – the ability to thank others and not take the credit. 

Giving power away – it takes confidence to let another person have “your” way. 

The “awesome power of listening” rather than speaking. 

Leading others by actually going first.

The ability to admit a mistake quickly without using the word “but” to explain it.

Investing in other people even when they don’t believe in themselves for a real return on investment.

Looking for and giving out compliments backed by evidence not criticism backed by jealousy or fear of losing control.

Hint:  These are 7 can’t miss steps to becoming a more confident person above.  Choose one each month and master it before moving on to the next.

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Before we even get out of the house in the morning, we are exposed to more negativity than we even realize.

At home, in the news, email, texts, social media, anticipating work and the challenges ahead not to mention how we are feeling that day.

A lot has been written about positive attitudes but they are still elusive in our workaday world.

We are more likely to be haunted by negative thoughts when we allow our brains to act like a sponge soaking up everything around us.

When we choose our thoughts, we are more likely to automatically be more positive.

Are you choosing your thoughts or just soaking up whatever is around you?

To the extent that you can decrease a wandering mind, you will take a step toward the kind of positivity that changes your day, improves relationships and makes for a happy life.

Just one thing – take control of your thoughts and filter out the noise that’s getting to you.

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Doubting ourselves is a form of self-destruction that is even worse than someone else’s insults or lack of confidence in us.

Yet, self-doubt is the most common form of sabotage that blocks success.

Changing the way we look at self-doubt is the first step to banishing it from our lives.

If you doubt yourself, how can you expect others to believe in you and your ideas? 

No one ever succeeded by doubting their heart and soul – why join THAT list?

If it’s worth dreaming, it’s worth believing in. 

If it’s worth believing in, it requires a little more self-love. 

To doubt yourself is to assure failure before you even begin.

When others don’t believe, you go first.

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No means no – it’s the best defense for protecting boundaries.

No should probably be used more often.

Yes means I agree and I will do what I have promised.

It’s easy to make a promise based on intent.  The trick is to deliver on the promise which then makes you effective.

The two most effective tools any of us have are the ability to reject or accept – that’s when we discover our hidden power.

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My students always sit in the same seat they become accustomed to sitting in from the first day of class.

I make the same walk to class every day.

Head to the same coffee shop on the way.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

Discovery begins when we consciously disrupt our routines – even the ones we like – in the quest for new ones.

How can we expect a more interesting life when we refuse to take a few risks?

Break one routine a day and stimulate the ability to discover new and fascinating things.

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The best advice is no advice at all.

When someone asks for advice, they just want you to hear them – to listen without judging or making it about you.

And be careful when youseek advice that you are just looking for a friend who will hear you out.

Advice isn’t about wisdom, it’s about the willingness to listen.

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You learn the ability to listen.  It is rarely inherent.

As a society we all talk too much – pounding it out on digital devices, creating videos, even older adopters who have fallen in love with Facebook risk falling into the trap of making it all about them.

The secret to better relationships is better listening skills.

Without interruptions.

“Mansplaining” is the term women attribute to men who interrupt them, finish their sentences and expect to be heard above all else.

Focusing on the other person’s lips when possible or on the sound of their voice when listening remotely helps improve comprehension.

Don’t interrupt.

Don’t always add in your version of what the other person is talking about.

Try to summarize what you’re hearing (i.e., “so if I am hearing your correctly you are saying…”) 

Try to recall the most important thing you’re hearing at the end. 

The easiest thing in the world is also the most difficult – to gain the benefits of being a good listener resist the temptation to do the talking.

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Embrace change.

It’s going to happen anyway.

The quickest way to become irrelevant is to push back against inevitable change because like it or not inevitable means unavoidable.

We resist and get a reputation for not being on board.

Sometimes we react and find ourselves squarely mired in the status quo.

Looking a bit further ahead, wouldn’t it be useful to be an agent of change where you could have a real say in how change comes about?

Life is a pendulum swinging from one set of values, ideas and conditions all the way to the other extreme passing through the middle.

We see it in politics and it’s available for us to respond to in critical areas of our lives.

Change is a good thing especially when we’re part of it.

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The answer to rejection is “thank you”.

It’s one person’s opinion even if that person is very influential or is in a position to kill an idea on the spot.

It’s not possible to be successful if you’re going to accept rejection.

So, there are several ways to approach it:

1. We live among other people’s failures all the time. Aerosmith’s “Dream On” was not the only record launched and re-launched to become a hit because it didn’t catch on right away.  Sometimes it takes people more time to see what you see.
2. If we seek approval over conviction, we’re watering down our ideas to gain acceptance.

The best approach to a naysayer is “thank you for not seeing the value of my idea or my person” and that’s one way to guarantee that our best instincts are unaffected by those who cannot yet see our dreams.

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In her acceptance speech for winning an Oscar for Best Original Song, she said:

“There’s a discipline for passion, and it’s not about how many times you get rejected or you fall down, or you’re beaten up. It’s about how many times you stand up, and are brave, and you keep going.”

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The lack of time is the same as a lack of priority.

Busy is not an excuse, it is a window to what is important in your world.

If children matter, they become a priority and the time takes care of itself.

Couples often realize that they have let their relationships slip when they wind up in a counselor’s office to discover the things that have become more important.

When we work too much, it’s not that we don’t have enough time for everything, somehow our priorities have changed.

An unwillingness to put our phones away and relate to people face to face is not about time, it’s about the addiction to something that gives immediate satisfaction and has somehow become more important even though it eats up precious time.

There is always enough time when priorities are in their proper order.

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Research shows that putting genetics aside, we have the ability to be 40% happier by conducting intentional activities such as a daily regimen of practicing gratitude.

I’ll bet you thought I made that 40% number up, but it’s true – gratitude is about as potent as genetic factors that make us happy.

So what if we start today?

Compliment the first person you see today who has earned it (and provide evidence to show your words are sincere). 

Write a compliment on your lunch or dinner tab expressing gratitude for good service.

Leave a note for a loved one expressing your thanks for something they did.

At work, be the one who appreciates their associates and cite evidence to prove it.

Don’t get out of bed in the morning until you can name 5 people you are thankful for and why (they can be the same people every day, it’s up to you).

Be thankful for you – your personality, your essence, your mind, your heart – don’t skip over gratitude for the fine person you are.

Happiness is not just a fleeting feeling but the residue of living a life of gratitude.

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