The world’s second best golfer on the pro tour this year, Jason Day, walked off the golf course at a tournament in Austin, TX and conceded the match.

He said his mother was diagnosed with lung cancer at the beginning of this year and it’s terminal.

His father died of cancer when he was 12 and Day said he’s going to be with his mother for her surgery to hopefully extend her life.

Because his father died when he was young, it was Day’s mother who motivated his golf game.

Many people make sacrifices for their loved ones who are ill or dying but it is less common to see a public figure who has so much money on the line to put it all aside to do the right thing.

As often is the case, when a child makes a choice like this, they got good upbringing.

We will never miss one more golf tournament or a special occasion as much as we will miss a little more time with someone we love.

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It boils down to whether we want to be happy or not.

A choice.

And we rarely see it as a choice because, face it, we don’t think our happiness is totally under our control.

But it is.

As I told my college students in LA, this town is filled with successful people who are keeping psychologists and psychiatrists in business.

We lose our job or our partner or our health so we can’t be happy, right?

But if you can still choose “I want to be happy” you may find that out of bad comes good.

This is not Pollyanna.  Some people have serious psychological problems that are beyond what I am saying here and no offense is meant.

But, for many of us – happiness is a choice and an important one that has to be made with certainty.

When we decide to play a sport to win, we don’t vow to win sheepishly.

Same with happiness.

Command it, expect it and enjoy whatever life brings you because life is a constant surprise.

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You check your phone upon awakening to find emails or texts that threaten to sabotage your day even before your feet hit the floor.

Or feeling the karma of another person who is unhappy with their job, themselves or their lives.

Then turn on the news while exercising at the health club and many days it seems like it’s hard to get out the door in the good mood you woke up in.

The key to turning around a ruined day is the way we talk to ourselves.

That conversation that takes place in your head while you’re driving or thinking.

The world is so connected that what happens with others affects us almost immediately so it is important to not lose the narration going on in your mind.

I can’t wait to get to work to solve some problems and help others solve theirs 

I’m grateful for lots of things and people (name them) 

The world needs one more person to lift it up not drag it down – that’s me

I’m looking forward to (name it) 

More and more, unhappy or stressed out people can affect our happiness in real time.

Keep your narrative.

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Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski has led his team to over 1,000 wins and five NCAA championships.

He’s 70 years young and has no plans for retirement:

“I don’t want to plan it.  If you do, and the time comes and you’re not ready that’s bad.  So is waiting for the time you planned when you should already be out.  I’m involved in teaching, speaking and things I can go to.  But I’m not prepared to leave right now” – Harvard Business Review March-April 2017

Aspire, don’t retire.

No matter what your age – and especially for those many years from retirement – Coach K’s plan to have things to go to is especially good advice for people who find themselves unemployed or between jobs.

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Spend the same amount of time alone with your spouse as you do with your smartphone.

I laughed when I first heard this but I’m not laughing now.

Just go to dinner and watch two people not communicate with each other in the now.

Same is true for families as some parent is on the phone while the rest of the family eats or chats.

Imagine devoting the same amount of time we spent with our smartphones with the people we love the most.

Not just time together.

Time focused on the now – the same way we do it when we’re staring at our screens.

For most couples, the ups and downs they experience can be smoothed over by reminding each other why they got together in the first place and like it or not, it takes face time.

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You can get a new job.

Or wait out the people who are bringing negativity to the job you currently have and like.

You can limit your contact with negative people (unless you can’t).

Remember it is not permanent, but temporary.

Emphasize how you want to be.

The sure road to unhappiness is to try and change someone else.

Change your attitude toward negative people and keep your professionalism high.

Do not stand for abuse.  Report it.

Few work environments are perfect but it’s the way we think of ourselves that matters most.

Let no person demean or dismiss your abilities.

The best way to overcome a toxic workplace is to see yourself clothed in Teflon and watching the negative stuff roll off of you.

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Keep your expectations low and motivation high and you will never be disappointed.

Expect the boss to give you a good word and you’re asking for disappointment, but that doesn’t mean work hard to excel with or without the recognition.

Stop thinking that special person for you is the next one you’re going to meet and make you that special person.

Throw the best party and have six people not even show up (or tell you they’re not coming) and no matter how many others have a great time, you are likely to be disappointed.

We can only be disappointed when we allow ourselves to expect more than we have a right to deserve.

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If you fear living life, you run the risk of losing life.

That doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily die.

It means that when we fear living, we run the risk of losing the fun, warmth and accomplishments that come our way.

This doesn’t mean you have to jump out of an airplane (but, it could).

It means do the things that make you feel alive.

I was never one for bucket lists just to have one.  I have little interest in checking things off the list of life.

But do you want to start a business?

Meet new friends?

Become healthier?

Remarrying or starting a new relationship after a failed one?

Let go of something that is making you unhappy?

It is just as easy to program yourself to reach out and grab life’s next challenge as it is to let it pass you by out of concern for safety.

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A powerful article in The New York Times recently quoted David Greenfield of the University of Connecticut School of Medicine as saying “People are carrying around a portable dopamine pump”.

Smartphones are hurting adult relationships, look at how they are hurting our children.

Common Sense Media survey:

American teens 13-18 averaged six and a half hours of screen time a day on social media and other activities such as video games.

2015 Pew study:

24% of teens between 13-17 reported being online almost all the time.

Drug use is going down as addiction to digital devices soars.

Parents are not doing their children any good by readily accepting and allowing this kind of phone use into their young lives.  And they are not doing themselves or their families any good by being on their phones constantly.

Smartphones are drugs.

Use them with care.

Shoot for as much face time with real humans as you allow yourself or your children screen time.  No exceptions.

The phone is a tool.  Turn it off.  Use it as a tool and do not adopt constant connection as a way of life if you don’t want to miss out on life.

You can’t live in the now unless you turn off your smartphone.

Constant connection is not the same as being 100% focused in the now.

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If health drinks help, consume them.

If exercise invigorates you then by all means do it.

The biggest energy sapper is fear and worry.

I have a friend who had her newly remodeled condo damaged from water leaking from the neighbor’s condo above.

Insurance issues and legal threats burdened everyone including this person for perhaps the worst Christmas she has had in a long time.

Yet, she is healthy.

Gainfully employed.

Enjoying lots of friends.

How can this happen?

We worry about the 1% that will never happen and even if it does, it won’t happen the way we imagined it would.

Worry about worry.

Doomsday narratives take over our lives.

In the case of my friend, all was restored by spring. Insurance paid for it and the community association added new rules of protection for the future. The condo that started the damage even got a new kitchen out of it.

This is not an aberration.

It’s what happens when we let worry and fear sap our energy.

As long as there is hope always assume everything will work out just fine.

It usually does.

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Employers set the rules even if they don’t call them rules.

Social media defines how we relate to some of our best friends whether we care to admit to it or not.

Even when we know our life is headed the wrong way, we feel powerless to change it.

Regaining your narrative means that you take part in your life’s decisions.

If you don’t like being on call all the time, find a job where you’re not (France forbids email after work requirements for employees.  Don’t tempt me).

If you’re having a hard time telling your friends from your business contacts, maybe it’s time to stop emailing them in lieu of face time or phone time.

If you feel you are not living up to your potential, your employer or your friends and family will not be the ones to change that narrative.  Only you can and should do that.

If you run into me on one of New Jersey’s beaches this summer, you will see me walking endlessly up and down the beach and into the ocean.

I am having a private conversation with myself.  I do it every year.

I’m asking, do you want to keep doing what you’re doing?

Is there something else that is important to you?

Am I being called to another adventure and I’m so busy I don’t know it yet?

What results is a contract with myself to do the things I want to do and not mindlessly repeat another year without that which I crave.

Regain the narrative by first taking control of your narrative.

From there, all things are finally possible.

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This is compelling evidence for me.

The people who have enjoyed success in life or who have come back from adversity have one thing in common.

They never give up.

Thomas Edison failed over 10,000 times before he developed his alkaline storage battery but Edison seems like someone not like us.

Yet there it was again, the refusal to give up.

When I look around my own life and world I see examples of people who despite adversity never gave up.

They outwaited failure.

They out worked their competitors.

We can read all the motivational books we care to but in the end the question is are you ready to keep trying until you get what you want?

If so, you have discovered the “secret” to success.

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Get them to talk about themselves.

We do that a lot in our world now – talk about us.

But if you want people to like you and even think you are a great conversationalist, try asking questions.

How is your mother? 

Have you seen any good movies? 

What do you think about the new iPhone?

Tell me all about your vacation? 

Can you imagine someone asking you questions like these and actually listening to the answers?

Without weighing in with how your family is or your favorite movie.

By asking questions about others, we endear ourselves to them even in a self-absorbed world.

Think of it like this.

We have the power to make people like us by how sincerely we want to hear them talk about their lives.

The difference between a Facebook friend or even a casual friend is our ability to make it all about them when we talk.

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We’ve gotten lazy.

A text or an email is not a conversation.

If a friend is worth having, they will converse preferably in person and if that’s not possible by phone.

If you text, I can’t hear your voice and all that it conveys.

If we email, we’re making business out of personal.  I don’t know about you but I don’t need another email every day.  A phone call, I’d welcome.

We’re sending a bad example to those around us especially our children because one day they will be texting instead of talking and everyone loses.

Through research and by the testimony of psychologists we are mistaking our phones for a lifestyle that in the end won’t be any more rewarding than a business email even if it comes from family members.

Everybody in the world has a phone without regard to their economic means.

But the real value of a phone is to stay connected and enjoy the meandering nature of two people responding to each other in real time.

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Quebec funeral directors are trying to deal with an outbreak of mourners and family members angling to take selfies alongside the caskets of dead people.

They are using restraint by hiding their phones until the last minute and then posing by the deceased to snap one last selfie. I suspect this is not just going on in Quebec.

Phones are great cameras and purveyors of life through video or snaps. But there is the issue of what is respectful to the family.

Selfies are about you.

When the pope visited Philadelphia last year Action News caught onlookers waiting for the exact right moment as his motorcade drove by to snap away with them in the picture with the pope.

A better idea is to pass up the selfie and soak in the memorable moments from life through death.

Our self-absorbed world makes life lonelier for all when everything begins with us.

Spend more time living in the now in which case a picture may be worth a thousand words but a moment together is an indelible memory.

If you’re having a hard time believing the outbreak of selfies by open caskets – click here.

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New research in Europe reveals that only 10% of those surveyed cares to know what’s in their future even if it is positive.  The study involved 2,000 participants in Germany and Spain.

And yet we spend so much time worrying about the future.

The research shows that the 90% who want to remain in the dark tend to be risk averse.

And now we have research to show that people actually like to live with surprises.

The only exception is finding out the sex of an unborn child.  Only 37% said they wanted to be surprised at birth.

Some thoughts …

Planning ahead is forethought.

Fear of the future is fear thought.

No one is able to accurately predict what their life will look like even just four years from today.

The winning formula may yet be planning ahead, referring to the past for lessons learned but always returning to the present with all its surprises – both good and bad.

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Yondr is a new device being used at concerts and with crowds where cellphones run the risk of interfering with the show.

As people enter the venue, they place their phones in a type of see through bag.

Once they enter the phone-free zone, the cases lock.  But people have their phones in their possession and if they want or need access, they step out and unlock the case on a special pedestal.

All this to control our growing urge to allow our phones to take over our lives.

But there are other ways.

Turn it off when face time is desired.

In France, a law was passed that forbids companies from requiring their employees to keep their phones on for business into the evening.  No one I have spoken to wouldn’t love that law here.

Phones are a great thing and no one wants to give them up.

But we’re ruining our lives, relationships and we’re not helping young people when the urge to stay connected exceeds our human need to be in the now with others 100% present.

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Without a road map, reaching goals is a hit and miss proposition.

The most important first step to knowing where you want to go (and grow) is to see it vividly in your mind’s eye.

Not just make more money.

What does more money look and feel like.  See it so you can feel it.

Not just you want to achieve recognition.

What do you want on your business card.

Not simply more happiness.

What does that happiness look like in color, in action.

When a sports team wants to win the ultimate trophy for being the best, players work hard to motivate themselves by seeing them holding or kissing the trophy, wearing the commemorative ring, the recognition they will finally earn, the things they can buy their families (not just money, but specifically what that money buys).

Working hard to reach goals can be a road to nowhere without first seeing vividly in your mind’s eye that which you want to achieve.

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Who do you admire most?

Say you could be that person.  You would still only be second best to the person you want to be.

Trying to compare ourselves with others is like taking away every gift we have that even our most admired look up to doesn’t have.

Comparing ourselves to others is so self-destructive because we are leaving ourselves with an imitation not an original.

Chances are the person you said you admired the most is an original and not an imitation.

Strive to be different and reward yourself for it.

Study the people you look up to and focus on how they overcame being the same as everyone else to become an original. 

We compare ourselves to others when we don’t have the confidence to stand tall as the person we want to be.

There is no one like you.

Try to be aware of that today and see how it empowers you.

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Athletes must prepare for mid-season trades that put them and their families in precarious situations.

They may not like the thought of being traded this time of year but they have to accept it.

And that’s the thing about things you can’t control.

It’s a reminder to focus on that which you can control.

Broke your leg, can’t walk without crutches for eight weeks.  Focus on making the upper body stronger. 

Just broke up with someone close to you?  What a great time to be more available to your friends and open to making new ones.

Losing your job in a layoff that is out of your hands?  Use this as an opportunity to discover if you are on the right career path in the right industry for you. 

What is so mysterious about accepting what we can’t control?

It’s more the uncertainty of what may follow.

So the solution is to let go and get going on that which is still clearly in your hands.

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