To guarantee that you’ll be unhappy, try to change someone.

In spite of the desire to help people, save them, make them better or just offer your way of doing things, there is zero chance they will make permanent change.

I first heard this wisdom at a seminar with Dr. Amit Sood, the Mayo Clinic doctor, author and lecturer who has written extensively on relieving stress.

Not trying to change someone is as hard to do as another person changing because you want them to.

No real change can take place unless or until we want to make that change.

Alcoholics know this the hard way when things have to get so bad or they lose their family or their health.  And yet, some won’t even change then.

It will surely drive people away the more you try to change the way they do things or look at things.

Even when others ask for advice, they don’t want it.  What they want is for us to listen.

With zero chance to change another person – even for their own good in our opinion – the winning alternative is to accept them precisely the way they are.

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You can’t win against a control freak whether it is an associate or the boss.

If they have more power, they prevail.

You can make yourself miserable by trying to fight for some input but control freaks have to be in full charge or they are not happy.

One seemingly counterintuitive yet potent way to combat the control freak ruining the workplace is to do what they don’t expect.

Give them more control.

Ask them in detail how they want things done.

Pepper them with endless questions.

You may find that they will actually cede the details to you as long as they feel they are in charge.

This is a short-term workaround.

If you love your job, wait them out and hope they leave.

If it’s untenable, find a new job with less drama but there is no shortage of control freaks – there’s a good chance you will find more elsewhere.

To best a control freak, give them more control and they may call it a victory and cut you a break.

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You just can’t teach people to be happy.

They have to discover what delivers joy and it is usually not some big, expensive rich thing that many expect.

We often don’t know what makes us happy because we spend so much time dealing with that which doesn’t fulfill us.

Time off, meditation, a gratitude journal, getting in touch with those around us who are important – these are ways to avoid short-circuiting what really matters in our life.

Then, on to rewirement.

The changes that are required to set a new course.

We have to change our life’s circumstances.

Discover the things that deliver joy (have we even used the word “joy” lately?) 

Teach ourselves to be thankful.

To motivate ourselves to make some changes.

To know what those changes are and be dogged in pursuing them.

Re-wirement is the personal process of changing how we think about happiness.

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Everything we do wrong is in the front of our minds.

We churn it up, regurgitate it and even invite others to remind us of our failings by being first in to insult ourselves.

We think of what we have done wrong more than what we have done right.

There is research to prove that when we think like this we are actually programming parts of our brain to continue making us think this way.

But MRIs have observed the changes in the brain when people attempt to shortcut negative thoughts and replace them with more positive ones.

Not pep talks but step talks that elevate thinking to the next level of possibilities instead of shortcomings.

Every failure is a rehearsal for future success.

Even on a bad day, think of the things you have done right and replay them as often as you obsess about the negative.

Small successes work as well as big ones to help train our brains.

To boost confidence, stop the band aids and think of recording positive thoughts in your brain because after a month or two, research shows your brain will help you to do this more automatically.

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The Golden State Warriors head coach Steve Kerr has won two world championships with his talented team that has changed the way basketball is played.

When Kerr senses the team is tired of hearing from him, he buttons it up often handing play-creating power over to a leader on the team that everyone respects.

This is not always the team’s superstar.

Work teams off the court could also learn from this.

Sometimes team members stop listening.

In fact, research shows some of the best coaches of all-time know when to do nothing.  Incessantly cramming more directions and continuing endless teaching is counterproductive.

As Kerr says:  “It’s their team …I think that’s one of the first things you have to consider as a coach.…Our job is to nudge them in the right direction, guide them, but we don’t control them. They determine their own fate.”

Read Steve Kerr, the Golden State Warriors and the Art of Sharing Power here.

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Whether keeping a task list or not, there is a shortage of things that need to be done.

Sometimes we make lists or use our phones to remind us.

There is evidence that we are trying to do too much which is too bad because even when accomplishing numerous things, we get the feeling that we didn’t have that productive a day.

The max number for peak productivity is seven.

Better yet, five tasks as a goal someday.

How to choose the seven priorities for today?

Which things are going to provide the most success, productivity, happiness and/or revenue.

Then focus on those 7 things.

This means a lot of other things will be sidelined, but according to time experts, doing less with more focus delivers the better result.

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Dogs are great emotional support aides for people who have experienced PTSD.

Warmth, approval, companionship, less isolation, reduced levels of stress and anxiety – these things matter to people suffering from stress.

People could also be emotional supporters if they attempt to provide these benefits to others.

More time.

More companionship.

Approval and acceptance.

It’s a sign of our times that we live with so much stress and emotional upheaval so it gives us an opportunity to supply the very things an ESA does.

One added benefit is that when giving emotional support to others, we are also the beneficiaries.

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Maybe trying to balance work and life together is the wrong approach.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos thinks of it as a work-life circle and that it shouldn’t be looked at as a strict tradeoff.

Now as work follows us into our personal life through digital and social connectivity, any balance is hard to achieve.

Work-life, two integrated parts.

Circular in that they intermix with each other.

The mega billionaire Bezos has breakfast with his family every morning, does not set an alarm clock at night, avoids scheduling meetings (timewasters) and as busy as he is, does his own dishes.

Tech mixed with living.

Being aware of the need for balance in life is probably more helpful than actually wrestling with keeping work and life equal.

Better yet maybe to inject both elements into daily living in an attempt to remain in the now as a function of daily life.

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If I pull you by the hand but you pull in the opposite direction, we’re both in a tug of war going nowhere.

If I stand still and you pull me by the hand, you won’t be going far without more cooperation from me.

Offering no resistance is not cooperation.  It’s not working together.

In business and in relationships, we think we’re cooperating when we offer no resistance but as you can see from the above example, that’s not working together.

Working together is when two or more people agree to move in the same direction together preferably at the same time.

That’s why more emphasis should be placed on winning over people you need on your team to emphatically and enthusiastically go in the same direction.

Working together is agreeing to move in the same direction and then doing it.

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Even when things go our way, we could do a better job of savoring the moment.

Fast, connected living prevents us from fully appreciating the good things that happen.

We move on too fast.

In fact, we tend to spend more time on things that irritate us than on things that bring great joy.

All the books, TED talks, podcasts and pep talks are useless unless we don’t postpone joy.

Nail it?  Enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Proud of your children?  Don’t rush the great feeling of pride and happiness.

To be tough on yourself or others affects joy.

Enough good things happen to everyone – even people in stressful situations – to make a conscious attempt not to postpone the critical feeling of joy in our lives.

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