Brandel Chamblee, former pro golfer and now analyst for The Golf Channel said this about golf that also applies to our lives.

“We forget too often about how big a part of this game heartache is.  Jack Nicklaus won 18 major championships but he finished second 29 times in the majors”.

Ouch, that hurts.  Really hurts.

But sometimes it’s better to endure the heartaches of disappointment because it makes us better in the end.

Without loss, there can be no meaningful victories.

Without failure, no success.

I know of no one who ever succeeded by succumbing to disappointment.

As The New York Times said recently writing about sports “one person’s stumbling block is another person’s building block”.

Everyone knows we play to win – to succeed, to measure up but few know that to get there you have to endure disappointment and turn it into positive energy to come roaring back.

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Let’s get this out of the way right upfront – some people can never be pleased.

Too narcissistic. Too self-absorbed. Not caring.

But for everyone else, the way to be appreciated every time is to exceed expectations.

• If you sell, whatever you promise build in enough time to do more than the prospect or client is expecting and deliver it ahead of time. Never late. Early is the new on time.
• At work, resist the temptation to do only what you have to for continued employment should you work for people who can’t seem to appreciate your efforts. Deliver more than they expect – even if you want to get another job, even if you are being underpaid. Exceeding expectations is like a pathway in the brain.  Always cultivate it. It’s good for others but even better for you.
• For spouses or partners, always do what you say you are going to do. If you say it, consider it a promise no matter how minor it may seem to you.  Then do more than you have to.
• Give up control. Control is overrated because it is really an illusion that ruins lives. Try giving up control of something every day and you’ll see life does not end.  In fact, you will be happier and more appreciated.
• Empower others. Put your faith and trust in others. In workplace surveys, employees crave appreciation first and then the trust to do their jobs next. Higher pay is further down the list.
• Pass out compliments freely and sincerely.  This costs nothing but brings great returns. When was the last time someone appreciated you and backed it up with an example of how?

Master the art of exceeding expectations and the people you love, work for and with and other important people in your life can’t help but to crave you.

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They are going to lay me off.  I don’t have enough money to get through tough financial times.  My relationship is in trouble.  I am worried about my children.  I want more from life.  I have no confidence.  I am afraid to do the things I used to do easily.  I fear I have a brain tumor (or some other ailment).   I’m so young and able and can’t find a job.  I’m old but at my best and can’t find a job.  I’m scared of everything these days.  I’m being bullied and can’t stop it.  I spend too much time on my phone but I don’t want to stop even knowing it’s not good for me.

You can add your personal fears to this list because there is no shortage of them.

Life is tougher today because we live in a fast, super-connected world.

Let’s put a stop to these fears and worries:

• Make a vow to worry about only one thing at a time – you choose it.  More than one worry is overwhelming and leads to a bad outcome.  Tackle the biggest worry first.
• Choose a time each day to “obsess” about this worry.  If you’re like me you don’t have an hour to devote to this so, make it 20 minutes or so then pick a time and have at it.
• The rest of the day be cognizant that 99% of what we fear never happens.  Say it over and over again because it is true and saying it makes a difference.
• Drill down and get the facts about what you’re worried about.  More often than not we worry about assumptions that are not reality.  In other words, we worry about something that we assume to be true.
• Make a conscious attempt to be grateful for everything you have every time you get a negative fear thought.  Balance fear with gratitude.
• Get busy and help other people.  It has been proven that when we take our minds off of what eats us by trying to help other people, our problems are more bearable.
• Never waste your time thinking about people you don’t like.
• People who criticize us are often paying us a compliment – they are jealous.  From this day on, only you get to criticize yourself.  Make it positive and constructive.

When we succumb to fear and worry, we are knowingly hurting ourselves.

“Whatever is going to happen will happen, whether we worry or not.”  — Ana Monnar

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When I was in college I worked overnights on a Philadelphia radio station balancing a full schedule at school with a full-time, six day a week job in radio.

One night – I estimate it to be about 3 in the morning – I feel asleep on the air and let a song end without playing another. To this day I refuse to think about how long there was dead air, which is a no-no in radio.

Unfortunately my boss was awake at 3 am (too much caffeine?) and heard it.  The next day he called me in and handed me my walking papers.

I can’t tell you how devastating that was – first commercial radio job and I literally fell asleep at the switch.

But as painful and embarrassing as that was, it made me more motivated to find my next job which, fortunately for me, was in television at the ABC affiliate there – a job I would not likely had sought if I was still working in the job from which I was fired.

To this day I absolutely adore the man who fired me.  He was right.  He may have taught me a lesson about life as well as introduced me to myself.  No college course could do that.

When we are fired or not appreciated in our jobs, we lose self-esteem.  We are hurt.  We are angry and we are in a negative frame of mind.

This is going to sound awful, but many, many people who are dismissed from the work they do go on to something better.

And all of us can see this in retrospect, after the fact.

Here’s the trick:

The moment it happens, remember that being fired will eventually lead you to something even better.  It always does.

Just knowing this from day one – and remembering it every day — resets your life in a positive direction to bring even more success next.

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My golf instructors Mike and Sandy LaBauve are great believers in practicing only the things that will bring the best outcome.

Golfers especially think that if they can spend more time practicing and more time playing that their game will get better.

Look at Tiger Woods.

If he practices any more he’s going to drop from exhaustion and ruin everything else that isn’t already injured in his body.  Maybe he needs a headshrinker not another golf coach?  Or, maybe he needs to find the one thing that will improve his game – not everything all at once.

For us, we want to be better so we work harder, but do we work on the right things that will ensure the best outcome?

• Discover one thing that will move you closer to success and put 100% of your effort into doing that one thing.
• If you’re struggling to discover what that one thing is, ask someone who can objectively take a look and point you in the right direction.
• Repeat the “one thing” as many times as you can and get better at it.
• More important than working for success is increasing your confidence for succeeding – everything good that happens starts in our heads.

The only thing better than a great work ethic is a great work ethic applied to something that will make a positive difference.

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Even when we’re really motivated to accomplish something, we can be equally discouraged when nothing happens.

Focusing on goals doesn’t always work either because goals can be complex things that involve many aspects including the sweat of other people you can’t control.

The system that never disappoints is called PPP – Purposeful Positive Progression.  It allows you to take your goals and advance them in a positive way every day.

Often we spend a lifetime trying to accomplish one goal.  But when we do, the satisfaction is usually short-lived.  It is far better to have a success on as many days as you can on the way to achieving your goal.

Here’s an example:

Say you’re thinking about getting a new job or just want to see what’s out there before you commit to another year in your present job.

Make a list of things you should do (make contacts, network, build your resume, expand your education, be more visible, etc.).  And then every day, move one of those goals in a purposeful, positive progressive way.

Print out your online resume and put it on top of a pile that will command your attention before the day ends.  Or spend a few minutes finding the LinkedIn sites that you are most impressed with.  Or, contact someone and ask them for help.

Every small step is a success.

When you get used to succeeding it is empowering.

The ironic thing is that big goals result from many, many small successes on the way.

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When I am asked to say a few words at a funeral, I think back to a girlfriend I had in college named Marilyn.

She was very close to her aunt so I often rode the subway with her from Temple University to Hahnemann Hospital on Broad Street to visit her aunt who suffered from cancer.

On the night that I was to be inducted into Sigma Delta Chi journalism society, the Italian funeral was to be held. It was a three-day affair as Italian funerals can be with a “viewing” process that was enough to kill the survivors.   I bagged the Sigma Delta Chi banquet and never was inducted and I don’t regret it one bit.

There is really nothing that one can say at some else’s loss except “I’m sorry”.

But at a later date when Marilyn was trying to deal with her grief I said something that seemed to help – where inspiration came from I don’t know.

Keep your departed loved one alive through you by adopting their best as part of you for the rest of your life.

Marilyn picked not complaining because her aunt although she suffered for a very long time never complained about her pain. She always directed her attention to others.

I have subsequently adopted the most admirable qualities of people I love and lost in the same fashion. My mother’s ability to never give up.   My father’s honesty. My best friend’s compassion for others.

What a living tribute for people who have left us but remain an important part of our being.

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Fear is the belief that something or someone is likely to cause pain.

Fortunately, these beliefs rarely (1% of the time) actually happen so what kills us is not what we fear but the process of being fearful.

My father had a heart attack at 37.  I saw my mother worry until the day he died and the day she died.  It became a bad pattern that is typical of what happens when the fear thought gets out of hand.

So this is a topic close to my heart and I’d like to share a few coping mechanisms in the hope that they may be helpful to you:

• Ask what is the worst possible outcome that could happen. Make it really bad.  Can you live with that?  Will you be forced to live with that?  The worst is not likely to occur so take consolation in that.
• Focus on the one thing you will do if what you fear should become a reality. Think it through in detail.  Just knowing your game plan reduces the fear factor.  Chances are great statistically that you will never need to act on this plan.
• Let go of the fear (hey, I know this one isn’t easy but it works).  The more we don’t try to control the outcome, the better the outcome and the happier we are.
• Attach a gratitude that matches the thing that you fear.  If you fear losing your job, focus on what a great career you are having in spite of it.  Fear losing a loved one?  Be thankful for having had that person in your life.  Fear financial ruin?  You’ve earned a living in the past and you will do it again and even better in the future.

The anticipation of fear is far worse than what we actually fear.  There are always effective things we can do to relieve the stress of worry.

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Our lives have so many ups and downs it’s dizzying.

When we hit a bad patch whether it just lasts a day or for months, there are many things we can do to try to lift ourselves out of the sadness that comes over us.

Jump-start a better mood by doing this – it is guaranteed to work every time:

• As difficult as it may be, devote your attention to helping others – do not keep fixating on what is making you unhappy because that just makes you unhappier.  Do small deeds (or large ones) for those around you.
• Do not attempt to tie your improve mood or increased happiness to getting what you want – you may have too long a wait.
• By devoting our focus to others and looking for nothing in return, we train our brain to let go of what ails us long enough to actually find a workable solution.
• Be the purveyor of positive thoughts toward others:  tell people how good others look, how nice they are, how much you appreciate them and you will find what comes back in return will be more than enough to get you through some tough times.

We have no right to expect happiness as an entitlement if we are unwilling to bring small acts of kindness to others.  Getting your way is not the only way to be happy.

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Yes, shame.

That’s a strong word and I’m talking from experience here.

Being hired and promoted – that’s pride.

Being terminated for any reason is too often absorbed in our lives and those around us as shame and we should stop that thinking in its tracks.

A few suggestions:

• Some of the best careers ever came after a firing or misunderstanding at a previous job.
• Think of this:  just as some people get along better and are more productive with others, the same is true of employers.
• Toxic work forces set us up for the shame that follows.  At CBS Radio where massive layoffs are happening with more on the way, employees were disappointed but not surprised.  They felt it coming.  Work extra hard to resist the beating self-esteem takes at toxic work places.
• Another consoling thought:  often the person doing the firing gets theirs in spades later.  You may just have gone before them.  Try not to hold grudges that are 100% useless to your future success.
• Never hang your head.  Show your spouse and children (and those around you) that, yes, you are disappointed, even sad but not broken.  Remind them frequently that this is an opportunity you didn’t ask for, but one that you embrace.
• No one ever died from being fired – inconvenienced, disrupted, economically challenged but it’s not the end, it’s always a new beginning.  Always.

A job is only one way to exhibit self-esteem.  The other is successfully rising to the occasion to handle adversity.  In fact, it’s often the better way.

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