May I share a few of my secrets?

1. Use a notes app on your smartphone to quickly jot down every success you have in a day – large and small.  (Examples:  from helping your daughter fall asleep after a bad dream to hitting it out of the park on your presentation).
2. Scroll through this ever-growing list of accomplishments at least once a day – most recent accomplishments on top.  Amazingly, most people forget that which they did well and record in their brain that which they didn’t – or at least were told they didn’t.
3. Memorize a line that I use before I make a speech:  “I’ve done it before, I can do it again”.
4. Trying something new often brings anxiety and a loss of confidence.  The cure:  Keep track of new things that you’ve done well and review them when you are out of your comfort zone.
5. My personal favorite:  think of the sport you like the most (it’s hockey for me).  Reflect on how every athlete wants to win every game, score a lot and be the star.  A realistic reminder that preparation breeds confidence and the best that we can do is to play hard to win but develop a sincere love for being excellent at what you do; not being perfect.

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I had a professor in college who was also a Dale Carnegie instructor.

It was my first exposure to the wonderful world of Dale Carnegie thinking.

But after class when our professor was showing apparent person centered interest in his students, he had the habit of glancing at his watch when they responded to him.

Later when I became a trained Dale Carnegie instructor, I learned that no less than Mr. Carnegie himself said don’t try using his human relations principles without being sincere about them.

Sincere person centered interest is what my friend Bruce St. James has for his KTAR audience.

I have been to lunch with him on many occasions and Bruce is always recognized for his authentic personality, voice and easygoing style.

He’s no b.s.

They ask about him, but more importantly, I have seen him always ask about them.

Even getting their names so he can mention them in social media or on the air.

No one can resist humility.

Being the fine person you are is always good enough especially if you practice treating people with person centered interested.

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When I was a communications student at Temple University, I was lucky enough to get my first radio job on a Philadelphia station while in school.

It was on the all-night show – midnight to 6 am six days a week — and I went to school five of those days, but I was very happy to have it.

As you can imagine, I was tired all the time.  I slept on the office chairs from 6-8 am when I got off the air, shaved in the bathroom, drove to school and slept in the late afternoon and early evening.

Then one day – or should I say in the middle of the early morning about 3am – I fell asleep on the air.  The album track that I was playing played through to the end and when I woke up horrified, there was dead air.

The next day I was fired.

The station’s program director was wide-awake and listening in.

It was devastating.

The man who fired me taught me so much – so there was that.

The money was useful but not a factor however it was getting such a good opportunity while in college and blowing it that did me in.

I know talent in broadcasting is always fired but this soon?

Turns out it was the best thing to ever happen to me.

I took what little experience I had and my deep albeit untrained voice to the local television stations where I finally got a break as a booth announcer for channel six.

Why do I share this now?

The end of our world as we know it is often the beginning of better things.

Learn from unfortunate and unfair experiences.

Work your way back vigorously and expect that you will make better use of your next chance.

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You might think the iconic founder of Apple would have children who are so tech savvy they cannot put their digital devices down.

Not so.

Jobs and his wife Laurene, a Stanford University trustee, would limit the amount of screen time their children were allowed to have every day.

In fact, many Silicon Valley tech execs limit their children’s screen time.

What do they know that makes them act with such certainty when many of us give in to the whims of students, the pressures of their peer groups and even the misguided direction of some early education teachers?

Here’s what they do, perhaps it is helpful or at least thought worthy:

1. Strictly limit screen time (note that I said “strictly”).
2. Ban use of digital devices on school nights (yes, try this at home).
3. No screens in the bedroom under any circumstances.
4. Define that which you will allow children to do when they are allowed screen time.
5. Put in place what I call “analog” time for weekends where children can interact with parents, each other or have time for themselves.  I grew up in the small town of Springfield, PA where I walked to get everywhere and anywhere.  As I look back on that, the time alone helped me pass the time by using my creativity.

Screens in the back of cars and SUVs to keep children occupied should be banned.  It’s lazy parenting as is plopping kids in front of a television.

Encourage kids to look for license plates from far away states, talk to each other, play games and yes, even talk back and forth with mom and dad.

Need more motivation to get tough with screen time?

Exposure to harmful content, easily accessed pornography, social sites like SnapChat where lots of kids take nude or semi-nude pictures of themselves without their parents knowing because the site claims the pictures are self destructive 2-10 seconds after they are viewed.

There’s bullying.  Lack of sleep when young people take their phones to bed (which they do).  Social ineptitude resulting from a lack of personal contact with others.  Children under 10 are the most susceptible.

We are not doing our jobs if we allow young people to pick up the destructive habits of digital living – the same habits that may also be compromising our lives.

What did Steve Jobs’ children do instead of using the devices he invented?  A New York Times reporter recently asked Jobs’ biographer, Walter Isaacson if he knew.

“Every evening Steve made a point of having dinner at the big long table in their kitchen, discussing books, and history and a variety of things.  No one ever pulled out an iPad or computer. The kids did not seem addicted at all to devices”.

Become addicted to life with digital devices in their proper place.

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There is almost nothing that can hurt you more than your own negative thoughts.

The words and actions of others can be hurtful – even destructive – but they pale in comparison to the words and thoughts that we turn loose to hurt ourselves.

No age group is more positive than another although younger people tend to be more optimistic about the future but not necessarily more positive about themselves.

When you find yourself saying words of limitation, catch them and stop it (i.e., statements that have the word  “can’t” in them).

When you hear someone else use words that limit their potential or talk themselves down, recognize it each and every time so it doesn’t infect you (example: Substitute “I’ve put together the best resume and presentation I possibly can, I’m excited” for “They are interviewing so many people for that promotion, my chances are not good that I will get it”).

When you buy into a streak of bad luck, break it to change your luck – good things follow positive thoughts (“If I keep doing enough good things, my chance of succeeding will improve just as athletes who practice with positivity rehearse their future success”).

And expect to get what you want.  I have (and sometimes relapse) into negative thoughts, but my history suggests otherwise.  Usually, I find a way to get what I want.

Think about this – your history may be the same when you look at it objectively.

Expect something good to come out of the ups and downs of life and it usually does.

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Give 5 minutes of uninterrupted listening to those who are important in your life each and every week.

5 minutes to a friend, co-worker, family member or child in which you vow to say absolutely nothing while you simply hear the other person out.

Duct tape your lips shut – at least in your mind’s eye.

This is pure magic.

5 minutes often becomes longer and when it is your turn to talk – and you will be surprised how much the other person actually wants to hear from you when you give them this prime talking time first – you will be heard.

No more screaming for attention.

No longer making everything about us.

Just 5 minutes – you pick the people – and listen.

Married couples and partners may want to consider making this process a little more formal – ten minutes for you and 10 minutes for them every week.

Believe me, people would rather be heard than have you agree with them.

Parents and children don’t really suffer from a gender gap but rather a hearing problem.

The secret that will change your life is to give 5 minutes of person centered interest to those people you identity as important in your life.

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There is an epidemic of stress that few of us have been able to avoid and many of us have not been able to control.

Incredibly, much of the stress in our lives comes from those very close to us – friends, family and often people we spend the most time with who cause workplace related stress.

But real friends do not cause anxiety in others.

People who do are egocentric and sometimes try to project their unhappiness on those who are only a short distance away from their lives.  And in today’s digital world, we are ALL a short distance away from potential anxiety producers.

Take this stress test:

1. Are those close to you making everything about them and not you?  If so, they are not available to be your friend even if that is their intention.
2. Do they give you ultimatums – do this or do that or I am disappointed in you?  If they try this, they are manipulative.  Real friends do not manipulate.
3. Are they emotional or do they trigger emotional stress in you?  Those who do are often more interested in bullying than being a true friend.

Think of the best friend you have right now.

Are they kind?  Do they give without expecting anything in return?

Here’s an overlooked marker:  do they listen at least half the time and speak the other half?  Are they there for you without regard to gaining anything in return?

Friends don’t let friends cause anxiety.

It is unreasonable to expect such people to change their behavior.  You must change yours.

Spend more time with people who produce warmth and reassurance and less time with those who make their whims, problems and desires kidnap your relationship.

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Cellular voice calls in the U.S. grew 14% over the last year (source: CTIA, the Wireless Association).

There are now apps for new age talking (i.e., short, to the point).

For that there is Voxer which works like a walkie-talkie letting people communicate back and forth in short bursts.

ChitChat doing the same thing except the messages disappear after they’ve been played.

Apple is also working on mobile software that will allow users to send short voice messages that will also disappear once heard.

Talking on the phone is a valuable tool.

It enables us to discern the feelings of others in ways that text-based messaging cannot.

It shows a maturation of our digital communication process.

Generations past, people would call their relatives on Sunday nights when the lowest phone rates applied.  Still, they would remind the recipient that “I’m calling Long Distance” meaning get to the point this is costing me money.

When most cell carriers charge for data usage and giveaway texting and talking for free, it tells you where they think the market is.

All tools of communication – texting, talking, social apps, Instagram, SnapChat and even email are assets of living in the digital age.

But don’t confuse the process for the tools.

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Yes, anger.

A healthy sense of outrage at the problems that plague us or people who stymie our growth and happiness.

Hope is not a fuzzy word.  It is a formula that helps us through the challenges of life.

People can endure anything if they have hope.

Viktor Frankl, the young psychiatrist imprisoned in a World War II concentration camp endured inhumane treatment that was also directed at 6 million other victims.

But when he was freed, Frankl in his book Man’s Search For Meaning relates how faith in some people gave him hope about his condition and his fellow man.

Without hope, no one can survive.

To get to hope, be courageous and show an appropriate healthy sense of anger for the things that get us down.

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The three times divorced movie star Ali McGraw says all her marriages ended because she never told her partners who she really was.

Communication is merely an unmet expectation unless we feel strongly enough to start the process – at home, at work with friends and family.

When people don’t communicate they almost never say, “I didn’t communicate”.

Sometimes they admit, “We didn’t communicate”.

But usually the breakdown is described as “they never communicated with me”.

We cannot expect others to be what we want them to be unless we are committed to being what we want to be.

Think it.

Say it.

All you can do is your part.

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