One of my readers asked how do you shake off damaging things your parents drilled into your head.

And I’m not talking about bad parents here because once you become a parent you know that your intention is always to do the right thing.

But sometimes comments like “You are your own worst enemy” and words about being lazy or selfish are not only hurtful during childhood but forever.

A parents voice lingers in our minds for better and for worse.

Parental influence is so strong that even after they are long gone, their words still play in your head.

So, a few thoughts on shaking off damaging things even loving parents have said.

1. Every time a negative parental comment rises to the surface again, force yourself to match it with something THEY said about you that was positive.  Level the playing field of your psyche.
2. Repudiate the negative voice.  If mom or dad said something like “You are irresponsible” and it sticks with you to this day, kill that thought with recent evidence to the contrary.
3. Laugh it off.  That’s right.  Humor is a great healer.  My mother said a lot of positive things to me but she was never impressed with how I spent money so when that thought came to mind, I would said, “You’re right mom, I should throw nickels around like manhole covers” (in other words, be really cheap).  I know it would make her smile.
4. Kill that negative thought with love.  Parenting is a tough job.  There is no school to train for parenthood.  When haunted by a negative parental voice, disagree with the sentiment but express your gratitude even if your parents are no longer with you.
5. In such cases, go to the cemetery and have “a talk” with your departed parent.  If you think they are in a better place, they are probably rooting for you and proud of what you have become.
6. And my favorite of all – “If dad were here today, he’d be proud of me”.  Try it.  It really works.

I’m not preaching.

I’m learning the hard way like most of us.

Most of us do not need enemies the way we beat ourselves up constantly.

That’s why one of the most important things I have ever shared in years of writing this daily blog is to put a stop/loss on all negative thinking whether someone else gives it to us or whether we inflict it upon ourselves.

We need to be our best advocate.

Looking to others may feel good but it makes us codependent to them and puts power in the hands of those close to us who shouldn’t have it.

Be on the lookout for negative thoughts.

Purge them from your mind a.s.a.p.

If you don’t believe in yourself with all your talents and shortcomings, who will?

When the author Norman Cousins was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he ordered a bunch of Marx Brothers movies and said if he had to die he was going to go out laughing.

Of course, he lived – for a long time – and when he later had a heart attack, Cousins told the EMTs on the way to the hospital not to worry; that he wasn’t going to die.

He lived.

If negative thinking can successfully be extracted from life and death situations, we have no excuse not to become more aware of the damage we do to ourselves when we allow a negative thought in our mind even for a brief period of time.

If marriage licenses were offered in one-year increments, imagine how much better relationships would get.

Fall asleep at the switch and you could lose your mate.  Knowing you have to both renew your intention every year is the antidote for the laziness and complacency that often sets in to ruin a marriage.

We have to decide on which cell phone we want every two years.

Health, auto and home insurance have to be renewed and revisited yearly.

In most states car registration requires an act of renewal for varying periods of time depending on which state you live in.

But when we get married, that’s all that is required until trouble shows up.  That’s why marriage counselors tell me that by the time they get a husband and wife into therapy, it is usually too late for the relationship.  It is the individual who becomes the focus on the counselor’s attention.

Of course, one-year renewable marriage licenses are never going to happen, but that doesn’t mean that people who value their union can’t renew their own vows yearly.  It doesn’t take a fancy get away weekend or a marriage workshop although that works, too.

Startling research studies have been done over the years to show how many people would not do it all over again given what they know after being married to their mate.

There is an old joke that marriage is a fine institution if you want to be institutionalized, but the truth is if we had to opt in every year in real time the way we pursue our careers, there would be more happily married people in the world.

Connoisseur Media recently fired a morning show personality on its WDRC-FM, Hartford station because they were going in a different direction – one that would save the owners money.

The personality had been doing traffic reports from an outsourced company.

Unfortunately, Kim Zachary’s firing left her husband without medical coverage and he was due to have cancer surgery this month.

Bad timing.

Had WDRC waited just a few days, she would have received coverage and surgery would have proceeded.

The station is unapologetic – “she’s not our employee” they insist even though she was listed on their website as one of their morning personalities.

Contrast that with the Cincinnati Bengals. They had to cut defensive tackle Devon Still from their squad but his daughter, Leah, was diagnosed with stage four pediatric cancer in June.

Unlike Connoisseur CEO Jeff Warshaw, the Bengals rehired Still to be part of their practice squad to assure him of a $6,300 weekly salary and provide his family with insurance coverage when they needed it most.

Money and power does not guarantee compassion.

The best way to always assure that we will be compassionate with others in spite of our economic or career position in life is to see the plight of others as we would see it happening to ourselves or our loved ones.

In the case of WDRC and Connoisseur, the wrong message was sent to its employees – that management doesn’t care about them.

But even this Eagles fan is rooting for the Bengals this year for doing the right thing to one of their own.

They didn’t have to.

To their credit they obviously wanted to.

If you only knew, it might drive you nuts.

But it doesn’t matter.

What you say in front of the mirror looking into your eyes is more important.

I go through a routine every morning while shaving where I ask whether I am living up to my desires as a person.

If you don’t like yourself than criticism from others can hurt and divert your attention from more important things.

And when you DO overhear an unflattering remark from a co-worker, friend or family member?

One way to regain control is to not react to what you overheard but respond.

If the criticism is fair, then say, “I could actually do better in that area”.

If it is unfair then say “Sorry, I reject it”.

What eats at us is hurt feelings that comes from criticism.

Some criticisms are good.

Others just hurtful.

But you are always in control.

We fear the future because we are afraid of losing what we have.

A very rich media executive told me at lunch at The Ivy in Beverly Hills that money without power is nothing.  I can guarantee you he didn’t think like this when he set out to get rich.

We fear the future because we fear loss.

But I see loss as a residue of retreating – i.e., imitating ourselves or our best performances.

Going back is really a coward’s way of living life.

This “coward” got the message when I recognized that loss is often temporary and frequently leads to gain.  That’s why I wrote the book Out of Bad Comes Good – The Advantages of Disadvantages.

The author Paulo Coelho nailed it with this:

“And, when you can’t go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward”.

Embrace the ups and downs of life and trust in a higher power to deal with the fear of the unknown.

Live in the present with all its risks for a more fulfilling life.

What is your mission in life?

You would never enroll in college unless you at least knew you wanted a degree.

You would never drive from Washington to New York unless you took the time to at least find out how to go north.

Yet in life, can you answer this question:  “why are you here on earth?”

When reading an obituary, we often see the convoluted paths that have taken people to the end of their life’s journey.

Why are we here?

My career has been in and around broadcasting and media but I see my reason for being on this earth is to teach and use my God-given skills to communicate.

What about you?

Once we know what is important to us we can pursue it more effectively.

Try this experiment.

Ask a few people (friends, family, associates) why they are on this earth.

Don’t be surprise to get an “I don’t know” or a weak answer.  Remarkably, most of us never think about it.

We can’t get to where we want to go if we don’t first know where we want to go.

Young folks are often caught in the trap of acting as if they don’t care – even about important things.

Some actually do care, but act as if they don’t.

Some don’t care at all so it’s easier to be cool.

But playing it cool isn’t unique to the current generation of young people and, believe it or not, older folks often adopt the same unfortunate attitude.

When did working hard to attain something you want become negative behavior?

Not for an Olympic athlete.

Not to an entrepreneur.

Not for a teacher.

Not for a doctor.

In fact, not for anyone who wants to live a fulfilling life.

I worry less about kids trying to play it cool than adults who have given up on working hard to chase their dreams.

I read Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist during my shore vacation last week – a gift from a friend.

The book has been around a while but it was a new discovery for me and the professor in me found lots of things to underline.

The most important was this:

“Life is the moment we are living now”.

Like you, perhaps, I struggle with focusing on the present.  Everything that has helped me attain my goals from career to personal were set in future anticipation.

But Coelho is correct “If you can, concentrate only on the present, you’ll be a happy man (person)”.

Ironically, this is easier done than said but somehow we make it difficult.

We can start today.

This morning.

Right now.

For one day focus on what is happening in life as you presently live it. Postpone future plans or worries to a special time when you can handle such things.  Don’t let planning interfere with living.

For one day focus on what is happening in the present not the past.  Go to the past to retrieve a happy moment, a fond memory or a lesson learned and then quickly return to the present.

If we make it simple, we can do this.

The Cumberland Americans just got eliminated from this year’s Little League World Series.

They stood stunned and teary-eyed losing by the smallest of margins – one run.

But coach David Belisle had all the right words in a rambling and emotional post game pep talk.

• He built them up, didn’t tear them down.
• He told them what they had accomplished together.
• He said it was okay to cry – and most of these young boys did (and you will too if you watch the video).
• He said how proud he was of them.

There is more benefit to losing than winning.

Winning feels better.

But losing is transformative.

Whether it is a young person in your life or anyone of any age, positivity, accomplishment, feelings and pride are four things that help people recover from defeat to succeed another day instead of discourage them.

Here’s the video.  It’s 3:38 seconds like you’ve probably never seen before.