When we say “no” very quickly, we are usually wrong. 

Experience proves that when we catch that word coming out of our mouth we have usually closed our minds to hearing something that is being said.

“No” is appropriate when we have considered the consequences, but it is often limiting when we react swiftly without forethought.

“I’m sure” is trickier.

When we say “I’m sure” it can mean that we’re not really sure.  We think we are sure.  Therefore when your response is “I’m sure of that”, take a second double check so you can have the evidence at hand to prove it.

When I was a TV reporter in Philadelphia, I was sent out on a story where torrential afternoon thunderstorms flooded a creek in a nearby county.

The assignment editor dispatched me with a crew to bring back the flooding on video.  Before leaving I asked if he was sure that the creek was overflowing.  

He said “I’m sure”.

But when I got to the scene, the water had subsided and there was no story at all – not that he didn’t make me bring one back anyway.  Hey, it’s TV.

“I’m sure” and “No” – red flags to beware of.

To suggest a topic, click here.

Subscribe   • Read Jerry’s book • More stories  • Talk to Jerry

If it’s all about you, enjoy it — alone.

If it’s about others, you will make and keep more friends than you ever thought was possible.

We think it’s normal to make the focus of life on us but doing so is an illusion.  We feel like we have lots of friends but do we really?  Followers are not necessarily friends.

We don’t number our friends – hey, I have 45 or whatever the number.

We value them one at a time.

There is one way to guarantee to make friends and keep them for a long time.  To enjoy rich relationships whether they are face to face or in our mobile social media world.

The secret is to become genuinely interested in other people.

Let them talk.  Ask them questions.  Reaffirm what you’re hearing or reading so they know you are really interested in what they say.

It takes a little self-control to hold back what we want to say but by talking in terms of the other person’s interests, you win a friend right away.  And often, they will reciprocate by showing the same kind of interest in us.

Taking time to care pays off instantly.

If you would like to receive these thoughts every day …

What if I make the wrong one?

What if the possible repercussions are worse than originally thought?

Will I make someone angry?

Good questions.  Bad approach to being decisive.

1.  There are no bad decisions.  Even when a decision seems to turn out wrong, other benefits may follow later.  Never forget that a decision is not judged immediately but over time and that can make all the difference.

2.  See vividly in your mind’s eye that which you want to accomplish.  When we clearly see the benefit of an action, we are more likely to muster the courage to take that action.

3.  Avoid wallowing in self-doubt.  Set a reasonable timetable based on the importance of the decision you are wrestling with, gather all the facts and then act.

4.  Second guessing is useless. 

5.  Humans have more potential courage than they think they have and the best way to focus on this courage is to review the decisions we have made previously that worked out well.

6.  Do the thing you fear to do and the fear will go away from you.  Fear of making a decision is usually more dangerous than making the actual decision.

“It’s better to be boldly decisive and risk being wrong than to agonize at length and be right too late” – Marilyn Moats Kennedy

If you would like to receive these thoughts every day …

Even the master of human relations did not believe people should sit silently by when they have pressing issues with others.

Dale Carnegie simply asked that we try tactful interaction as opposed to aggressively making enemies.

There is a three-stepped approach that can be very helpful the next time you find it necessary to confront an employer, co-worker, friend or even family member.

Step 1 – Name the issue in a phrase or sentence, no more.  Cutting to the chase by accurately articulating what’s wrong goes a long way.  Take responsibility for perhaps being part of the problem.  Avoid being accusatory or this conversation will blow up in your face.

Step 2 – Be a great listener in hearing the other person’s response.  In most confrontational situations, the accuser does all the talking and you see where that gets us.  Change it around.  Let the other person respond and listen intently – try not to interrupt.  Let them air it all out.  The other person has to know that you understand their perspective before you can move on to a resolution.

Step 3 – Say “how can we move forward from here now that we understand where each one of us is coming from?”  What’s the next step?  Get specific about how the two of you can abide by whatever is agreed to. 

Some people cannot be reasoned with.  So it’s best that we keep our expectations low. 

But often confronting another person is retribution for ill feelings that build up over time.  Try a different approach that allows for the potential of something positive to result when clear statements are made and both parties realize they want a resolution.

“When I get ready to talk to people, I spend two thirds of the time thinking what they want to hear and one third thinking about what I want to say.” – Abraham Lincoln

To suggest a topic, click here.

Subscribe   • Read Jerry’s book • More stories  • Talk to Jerry

We are obsessed with the future.

What will happen when we get out of college, our next job, who will be the love of our life even what new features will be on the next iPhone one day after the latest one is introduced.

With all this pressure to think ahead, we have taught ourselves to make it difficult to live in the moment.

Everything we live for is here today – now.

What we want for the future is just conjecture until it happens in real-time.

Being stuck in the future is not so easy to change.  There isn’t one thought or action that will make us flip a switch and all of a sudden become Eckhart Tolle, the author of books on living in the now.

But there is hope and it’s very simple.

Look for things in the present to inhale, to become lost in – one thing a day, 365 a year. 

It’s probably something right in front of us that is getting lost as we continually look ahead.

What is the one thing occurring in your life that you want to focus on as it happens?

As D.H. Lawrence wrote, “The living moment is everything”.

To suggest a topic, click here.

Subscribe   • Read Jerry’s book • More stories  • Talk to Jerry

There is something in all of us that wants to get our way.

But when the desire to impose your desire on someone else becomes a compulsion, it ruins relationships and damages critical self-esteem.

Bosses do it when they abuse power and force everyone to think as they do. 

Power figures and parents often cross the line between being helpful and hurtful when they must have their way at all costs.

A friend of mine used to half jokingly say that what a wonderful world this would be if we could choose our parents.

For good outcomes in dealing with control freaks, consider this:

1. When someone intimates or states that they know what is best for you, best to not believe it even if you are forced to carry out their will (from an employer, for example).
2. Never let anyone program what gets recorded in that “digital chip” we call our brain.  Even a compliment.  When we allow others to say, “You must do it this way” or worse yet, say hurtful critical things if you resist, then do not let it into your mind.  When getting a compliment, you add it to your mind by using it to reiterate how you already feel about yourself or else risk being co-dependent to the person offering the compliment.
3. Our brains tend to replay criticism rather than positive things, fill your head with positive statements that can be repeated all day.
4. Never try to control a controller.  Be assertive but don’t let them turn you into what you don’t like about them.
5. Say, “I appreciate hearing your thoughts, I’d like to share mine” for those close enough to appreciate your position because sometimes others may not be aware that they are as domineering. 
6. Set boundaries.  Defend them respectfully.  If you get nowhere, refuse to discuss the topic further.
7. Trying to control a controller at work makes life more stressful and will get you fired.  Make suggestions but defer to the boss until you can find other employment.

One more thing.

Sometimes we become the control freaks, but the solution is more readily treated by taking a dose of the following medicine:

“The best way to gain control is to give up control”.

To suggest a topic, click here.

Subscribe   • Read Jerry’s book • More stories  • Talk to Jerry

Potions and lotions and Botox exist to make us eternally younger but as one of my readers wrote, “Do you have any suggestions for making our world more livable as we age?”

It seems as if we live in a world created for young people, but every generation has said that.

I used to tell my USC music students that they would get so old that they will not like music younger people like.  They were shocked to hear me say that day would come before their 30^th birthday.

So much for chronological aging.

Good health goes a long way but aging really is terminal unless you adopt a more positive attitude.

1. Living in the past relegates us to aging more quickly.  Visit the past for happy recollection not as a retreat from contemporary living.
2. A future with no new ideas, routines or challenges accelerates the aging process.  Think like a teenager, it’s okay.  Force yourself to try new things and no one will care or even notice your numerical age.  You may have to kick yourself to get started but you’ll love the way it makes you feel.
3. Every attempt to live in the present transcends the march of time.
4. Avoid using the word “old”.  And the word “young” is not useful.  Substitute “enthusiastic” instead.
5. Even many doctors stop learning when they get in their productive earning years, the first sign of aging is an unwillingness to commit to learning new things about your profession, life and interests.

Life is not fair.

Babies die, men live until 100 and suffer the ravages of aging for decades until they pass.

In this economy it has been noted that if you lose a job today and you’re older than 50 it may be your last full-time career position.  Depressing?  No.  It means, take a different path instead.

Lots of 20-year olds are old and 70-year olds young.

The best advice for remaining “young”:  never outgrow your zest for enthusiasm.

To suggest a topic, click here.

Subscribe   • Read Jerry’s book • More stories  • Talk to Jerry

We know that when things go bad, dig down and find more gratitude.

But one way to endure rough spots in life is to take an inventory of your strengths.

In a Veterans Affairs psychiatric rehabilitation program, patients were given an opportunity to take a 240-question survey to determine strengths and virtues and receive a printout of their five best strengths. 

The participants reported pride in their discoveries, improved mood and a sense of accomplishment by doing nothing more than reflecting on their strengths and virtues.

And this had a carryover effect in which many veterans referred to their strengths as they continued therapy and planned for their future.

We spend too much time ruminating about what is wrong.

For most of us, making a conscious effort to recall and remember our strengths and virtues can be the best help for getting through tough times.

Subscribe   • Read Jerry’s book • More stories  • Talk to Jerry

I read a fascinating article from the doctors at Harvard Medical School that happiness in part depends on choices but more choices don’t necessarily mean more happiness.

Actually, fewer choices can help you appreciate what you have – the opposite of what many of us think.  After all, today we’re all about options. 

Having fewer choices can also be freeing.

The University of Minnesota conducted a mall survey in 2008 that showed making more shopping choices made people less able to pay attention.  They were tested on simple arithmetic problems and were less able to complete them.

Research from Swarthmore College and Columbia University showed college students who had the most choices for employment made on average 20% more but a year after being hired reported being less happy with their new jobs than classmates who looked for the best options instead of going for volume.

It turns out once again that more is not automatically better.

If you’re like me, you crave the most options, but the research that I am sharing today is making me take a second look.

Action Step:  “To keep the burden of choice from robbing you of pleasure, go on a choice diet.  For choices of no great consequence, limit the amount of time or number of options you’ll consider.  Just say “no” to too many choices” – Harvard Medical School “Positive Psychology”.

If you liked today’s thought, tell a friend and I’ll keep them coming

To suggest a topic, click here.

I’ve liked myself the best when I have been true to myself.

When I think with my head.

Feel with my heart.

And not the other way around.

When my life is not the “overnight Nielsen ratings” in an attempt to make more friends, curry more favor to ingratiate myself to others, make more money and accrue more power by being someone who I am not.

I start each day in front of the mirror while shaving by being grateful for the people in my life, looking deep into my own eyes to remind myself of who I really am and who I want to be and by dreaming of what my life could be with the day ahead that I am fortunate enough to have.

Sometimes it is difficult to be yourself.  God knows, there are pressures all around to be the employee the boss wants, the partner your spouse wants and the “success” society expects.

Everything we do to be a better person should be directly tied to everything we do to be the fine person we already are.

It takes courage to become the person you really are.  When we make it part of our daily routine, it is not only possible, but probable.

“Do your thing and don’t care if they don’t like it” – Tina Fey