It isn’t an iPhone that people don’t like and actually, social media is a wonderful invention to connect thoughts, words, pictures and videos in real time.

It’s the lack of face-to-face interaction that is causing a society that even young people – addicted to digital devices – are increasingly concerned about.

Maybe that is you or someone you know.

When I can communicate anything I want with a tap of my digital device, I cannot appreciate if I have pleased you, disappointed or hurt you.

The lack of in-person feedback tends to make me more insensitive to those around me even as I get new digital tools and apps to “communicate” better.

So, what to do?

Give up the smartphone, avoid social media – drop out of the world as it now exists?

That is not necessary.

But there are a few things that can help maintain sensitivity to others that will not only enhance relationships but make digital contact more rewarding.

1. Think before sending.  Since we cannot see the reaction we are going to get put a little more thought into how your message may be received before sending.
2. Schedule face time for people who matter.  You know when you’re spending too much time communicating with digital tools.  When this happens, go direct.
3. Try FaceTime live video chats where you can see a person’s response to you in real time.  It helps to keep it sensitive to the impact of your words and thoughts.

Ask questions as often as you can.  Don’t always make “me” statements.  There is so much self-absorption in the world, we don’t want to be part of it.  Be sincerely interested in others – a good rule of thumb on our digital devices and in person.

Used to be that teens suffered from anxiety due to their hormonal changes and coming of age from adolescence to adulthood.

But the world is fast – very fast.

We are intertwined in social media and connected to people in ways that are not always fulfilling and rewarding.

Anxiety is an epidemic.  The Anxiety and Depression Association says that 10% of all teens experience anxiety so severely that it disrupts their lives.

Fleeting thoughts.

Not always knowing what causes the anxiety.  Scary stuff.

Many stressed out people turn to drugs and alcohol, but there are healthier ways to help a person who is experience runaway anxiety.

1. Listen carefully and respectfully to their concerns and remain non-judgmental.
2. Calm the anxious person but reassure them that anxiety is a natural part of life and that when it sometimes gets out of hand, anxiety can be reduced and they can feel better again.
3. Draw the person out to explore what situations or what people may be contributing to their anxiety.
4. Offer praise when this person shows courage to forge ahead in life in the wake of such uneasiness.
5. Recommend seeking professional help if anxiety lasts longer than six months or if you become very concerned about how they are handling their anxiety.

One of my USC students, a handsome and smart young man with everything going for him approached me one morning before class with tears in his eyes and said, “Professor Del Colliano, I cannot sit in this classroom”.

At first I joked and said, “Oh, you’ve seen my lesson plan”.

But soon it became apparent that he was so upset that to require him to do anything would be useless.

So I gave him the option to sit in the back of the room or leave as long as he returned to my office later in the day so I could try to be of help privately.

He sat in the last row.  Walked me to my office after class.  We chatted and he talked.  I listened.  He got help.  I suggested a diet with less sugar in it because sugar contributes to anxiety and we eat a lot of it in our daily diet.

I shared my own anxiety.

He won the battle and was forever grateful – not for any magic solution – but for allowing him to see his own anxiety and come up with his own plan to overcome it.

Always see clearly what you want.

And never forget being grateful for what you have.

I don’t know if you are like me.

I am ambitious – I have a knack for seeing vividly in my mind’s eye exactly that which I want in real ways that keep me motivated.

What I work on every day is to be as good at capturing a moment of gratitude for something that others might miss that reminds me how lucky I am to be alive.

As I have written previously, surveys show that the average couple needs $70,000 a year in the U.S. to be happy.

Anything less – they report less happiness corresponding with how much less they earn.

But curiously, anything more and they are not any happier.  Not even people who make millions of dollars.

$70,000 is the sweet spot.

This is significant because we spend a lifetime yearning to earn when we should also be yearning to learn the relationship between what we want and what we already are fortunate enough to have.

If you’ve seen the video of Baltimore Ravens’ star Ray Rice clocking his soon-to-be wife in an Atlantic City hotel elevator, you’ve got to ask – why did she go through with the marriage.

Even as the NFL scrambles to contain the outbreak of player violence and criminal behavior, Jenay Rice just wants everyone to leave them alone.

With domestic abuse, you really don’t get to be left alone because no one has a license to hit, hurt or abuse another person.

These are complicated issues from players whose families may not have always provided the tools to respect another person’s being.

Some thoughts:

1. Research shows verbal abuse is as painful as physical abuse and should be dealt with as the offense that it is.
2. Denying violent acts in a partner or spouse can be deadly.
3. A world in which violence is accepted and even championed (i.e., computer games) desensitizes people who get too used to hitting the reset button after fantasy play.  We get no reset button in life.
4. Drugs and alcohol exacerbate violent behavior and should not be considered excuses for physical or psychological abuse.

This scandal does not apply to just a group of elite athletes.

Psychologists tell us that one out of four children are abused by an adult.

Spousal abuse is ramping out of control.

Verbal abuse, shaming and cyberbullying is a real epidemic in our digital world.

Every man who has a mother, a sister, a wife or a daughter should know better than to hit or hurt a woman.

I had a girlfriend who attended not one but two semesters of therapy by an outstanding group called Women Against Rape.  I attended the boyfriend/spouse sessions simultaneously.

What we learned is that rape is a crime of violence not sex.

The takeaway is more apparent every day as Vikings running back Adrian Peterson is subsequently arrested for child abuse.

Love not hate.

Compassion not violence.

Communication not silence.

Quick!

Who was more likely to read a printed book last year – a Millennial or an older American?

In a recent Pew survey, more young adults report having read a book in the past year compared to older Americans, by a nearly 10 percentage-point margin.

62% of under 30’s believe there is “a lot of useful, important information that is not on the Internet.”

Perhaps surprisingly only 52% of older adults said the same thing.

When we make assumptions – in this case that young people are obsessed with their mobile devices and would never read a printed book – we are making a bad assumption that hurts us.

The same thing about race or gender.

Assume that all Asians like this and all gays are that by our own doing we withdraw from reality.

The rule of thumb should be:

Everyone is equal.

We’re all the same and we’re all different.

And an assumption is a terrible thing to make.

Philadelphia Eagles running back LeSean McCoy left a 20-cent tip to his waiter at the Philly restaurant PYT recently.

He didn’t like the service and refused to apologize for the tip but the restaurant said they were sorry that the incident became public.

What’s worse is none other than Charlie Sheen wrote a check to the waiter McCoy stiffed to make it up to him or her — $1,000 is a publicity opportunity in Hollywood.

My own poor service policy is that I leave a fair tip then leave the restaurant never to return.  Maybe it’s because my career is in radio and television and I don’t want to make a big stink.  I figure the staff reflects the management’s attitude toward service.

This is about a spoiled athlete, arrogance and lack of gratitude.

How about every time McCoy stinks up the football field, he gets his weekly salary cut by management?

We’re all human.

We all make mistakes.

Here’s how to make the people who “serve” you, happy to do so.

Call them by their name every time you talk to them.

Show respect.

Acknowledge any extra effort they may make that pleases you.

When you add the tip, write a note on the receipt or bill that tells what you appreciated most about their service.

And what if service was really, really bad?

Calculate the number of times you eat out every year and figure the percentage of times when service was horrible.

Then be thankful that percentage is so low.

By the way, the best customers in any restaurant are ex-waiters and waitresses.  They usually tip well and show appreciation because they know how hard the job is.

One of my readers asked how do you shake off damaging things your parents drilled into your head.

And I’m not talking about bad parents here because once you become a parent you know that your intention is always to do the right thing.

But sometimes comments like “You are your own worst enemy” and words about being lazy or selfish are not only hurtful during childhood but forever.

A parents voice lingers in our minds for better and for worse.

Parental influence is so strong that even after they are long gone, their words still play in your head.

So, a few thoughts on shaking off damaging things even loving parents have said.

1. Every time a negative parental comment rises to the surface again, force yourself to match it with something THEY said about you that was positive.  Level the playing field of your psyche.
2. Repudiate the negative voice.  If mom or dad said something like “You are irresponsible” and it sticks with you to this day, kill that thought with recent evidence to the contrary.
3. Laugh it off.  That’s right.  Humor is a great healer.  My mother said a lot of positive things to me but she was never impressed with how I spent money so when that thought came to mind, I would said, “You’re right mom, I should throw nickels around like manhole covers” (in other words, be really cheap).  I know it would make her smile.
4. Kill that negative thought with love.  Parenting is a tough job.  There is no school to train for parenthood.  When haunted by a negative parental voice, disagree with the sentiment but express your gratitude even if your parents are no longer with you.
5. In such cases, go to the cemetery and have “a talk” with your departed parent.  If you think they are in a better place, they are probably rooting for you and proud of what you have become.
6. And my favorite of all – “If dad were here today, he’d be proud of me”.  Try it.  It really works.

I’m not preaching.

I’m learning the hard way like most of us.

Most of us do not need enemies the way we beat ourselves up constantly.

That’s why one of the most important things I have ever shared in years of writing this daily blog is to put a stop/loss on all negative thinking whether someone else gives it to us or whether we inflict it upon ourselves.

We need to be our best advocate.

Looking to others may feel good but it makes us codependent to them and puts power in the hands of those close to us who shouldn’t have it.

Be on the lookout for negative thoughts.

Purge them from your mind a.s.a.p.

If you don’t believe in yourself with all your talents and shortcomings, who will?

When the author Norman Cousins was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he ordered a bunch of Marx Brothers movies and said if he had to die he was going to go out laughing.

Of course, he lived – for a long time – and when he later had a heart attack, Cousins told the EMTs on the way to the hospital not to worry; that he wasn’t going to die.

He lived.

If negative thinking can successfully be extracted from life and death situations, we have no excuse not to become more aware of the damage we do to ourselves when we allow a negative thought in our mind even for a brief period of time.

If marriage licenses were offered in one-year increments, imagine how much better relationships would get.

Fall asleep at the switch and you could lose your mate.  Knowing you have to both renew your intention every year is the antidote for the laziness and complacency that often sets in to ruin a marriage.

We have to decide on which cell phone we want every two years.

Health, auto and home insurance have to be renewed and revisited yearly.

In most states car registration requires an act of renewal for varying periods of time depending on which state you live in.

But when we get married, that’s all that is required until trouble shows up.  That’s why marriage counselors tell me that by the time they get a husband and wife into therapy, it is usually too late for the relationship.  It is the individual who becomes the focus on the counselor’s attention.

Of course, one-year renewable marriage licenses are never going to happen, but that doesn’t mean that people who value their union can’t renew their own vows yearly.  It doesn’t take a fancy get away weekend or a marriage workshop although that works, too.

Startling research studies have been done over the years to show how many people would not do it all over again given what they know after being married to their mate.

There is an old joke that marriage is a fine institution if you want to be institutionalized, but the truth is if we had to opt in every year in real time the way we pursue our careers, there would be more happily married people in the world.

Connoisseur Media recently fired a morning show personality on its WDRC-FM, Hartford station because they were going in a different direction – one that would save the owners money.

The personality had been doing traffic reports from an outsourced company.

Unfortunately, Kim Zachary’s firing left her husband without medical coverage and he was due to have cancer surgery this month.

Bad timing.

Had WDRC waited just a few days, she would have received coverage and surgery would have proceeded.

The station is unapologetic – “she’s not our employee” they insist even though she was listed on their website as one of their morning personalities.

Contrast that with the Cincinnati Bengals. They had to cut defensive tackle Devon Still from their squad but his daughter, Leah, was diagnosed with stage four pediatric cancer in June.

Unlike Connoisseur CEO Jeff Warshaw, the Bengals rehired Still to be part of their practice squad to assure him of a $6,300 weekly salary and provide his family with insurance coverage when they needed it most.

Money and power does not guarantee compassion.

The best way to always assure that we will be compassionate with others in spite of our economic or career position in life is to see the plight of others as we would see it happening to ourselves or our loved ones.

In the case of WDRC and Connoisseur, the wrong message was sent to its employees – that management doesn’t care about them.

But even this Eagles fan is rooting for the Bengals this year for doing the right thing to one of their own.

They didn’t have to.

To their credit they obviously wanted to.

If you only knew, it might drive you nuts.

But it doesn’t matter.

What you say in front of the mirror looking into your eyes is more important.

I go through a routine every morning while shaving where I ask whether I am living up to my desires as a person.

If you don’t like yourself than criticism from others can hurt and divert your attention from more important things.

And when you DO overhear an unflattering remark from a co-worker, friend or family member?

One way to regain control is to not react to what you overheard but respond.

If the criticism is fair, then say, “I could actually do better in that area”.

If it is unfair then say “Sorry, I reject it”.

What eats at us is hurt feelings that comes from criticism.

Some criticisms are good.

Others just hurtful.

But you are always in control.

We fear the future because we are afraid of losing what we have.

A very rich media executive told me at lunch at The Ivy in Beverly Hills that money without power is nothing.  I can guarantee you he didn’t think like this when he set out to get rich.

We fear the future because we fear loss.

But I see loss as a residue of retreating – i.e., imitating ourselves or our best performances.

Going back is really a coward’s way of living life.

This “coward” got the message when I recognized that loss is often temporary and frequently leads to gain.  That’s why I wrote the book Out of Bad Comes Good – The Advantages of Disadvantages.

The author Paulo Coelho nailed it with this:

“And, when you can’t go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward”.

Embrace the ups and downs of life and trust in a higher power to deal with the fear of the unknown.

Live in the present with all its risks for a more fulfilling life.

What is your mission in life?

You would never enroll in college unless you at least knew you wanted a degree.

You would never drive from Washington to New York unless you took the time to at least find out how to go north.

Yet in life, can you answer this question:  “why are you here on earth?”

When reading an obituary, we often see the convoluted paths that have taken people to the end of their life’s journey.

Why are we here?

My career has been in and around broadcasting and media but I see my reason for being on this earth is to teach and use my God-given skills to communicate.

What about you?

Once we know what is important to us we can pursue it more effectively.

Try this experiment.

Ask a few people (friends, family, associates) why they are on this earth.

Don’t be surprise to get an “I don’t know” or a weak answer.  Remarkably, most of us never think about it.

We can’t get to where we want to go if we don’t first know where we want to go.

Young folks are often caught in the trap of acting as if they don’t care – even about important things.

Some actually do care, but act as if they don’t.

Some don’t care at all so it’s easier to be cool.

But playing it cool isn’t unique to the current generation of young people and, believe it or not, older folks often adopt the same unfortunate attitude.

When did working hard to attain something you want become negative behavior?

Not for an Olympic athlete.

Not to an entrepreneur.

Not for a teacher.

Not for a doctor.

In fact, not for anyone who wants to live a fulfilling life.

I worry less about kids trying to play it cool than adults who have given up on working hard to chase their dreams.

I read Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist during my shore vacation last week – a gift from a friend.

The book has been around a while but it was a new discovery for me and the professor in me found lots of things to underline.

The most important was this:

“Life is the moment we are living now”.

Like you, perhaps, I struggle with focusing on the present.  Everything that has helped me attain my goals from career to personal were set in future anticipation.

But Coelho is correct “If you can, concentrate only on the present, you’ll be a happy man (person)”.

Ironically, this is easier done than said but somehow we make it difficult.

We can start today.

This morning.

Right now.

For one day focus on what is happening in life as you presently live it. Postpone future plans or worries to a special time when you can handle such things.  Don’t let planning interfere with living.

For one day focus on what is happening in the present not the past.  Go to the past to retrieve a happy moment, a fond memory or a lesson learned and then quickly return to the present.

If we make it simple, we can do this.

The Cumberland Americans just got eliminated from this year’s Little League World Series.

They stood stunned and teary-eyed losing by the smallest of margins – one run.

But coach David Belisle had all the right words in a rambling and emotional post game pep talk.

• He built them up, didn’t tear them down.
• He told them what they had accomplished together.
• He said it was okay to cry – and most of these young boys did (and you will too if you watch the video).
• He said how proud he was of them.

There is more benefit to losing than winning.

Winning feels better.

But losing is transformative.

Whether it is a young person in your life or anyone of any age, positivity, accomplishment, feelings and pride are four things that help people recover from defeat to succeed another day instead of discourage them.

Here’s the video.  It’s 3:38 seconds like you’ve probably never seen before.

Sad, but successful people seem to grow tired of their mates often after they have both endured many trials and tribulations.

But what if we put as much work into our relationships as we put into our careers.

Now look, I am not speaking as a stellar example.

I am speaking as a graduate of that old School of Hard Knocks we always hear about.

The same things that drive our career success could really help make more marriages and relationships successful.

1. Spend as much passion in the marriage as you do at work.
2. Details always matter in a successful business and the same attention to detail is a homerun in relationships.
3. Show even half the enthusiasm upon greeting your loved one at the beginning and end of each day as you do meeting clients or associates you like.
4. Have goals.  If we’re successful at work, we have a game plan.  What’s our game plan at home?  Same old, same old leads to a mighty unhappy marriage.
5. Give up some power.  Take real and genuine pride in outsourcing an equal number of major and minor decisions to your spouse.  At work, no one likes a control freak.  At home, no one likes a control freak.

The skills we have at work are a great rehearsal for a better relationship at home.

Which means – we already know how to make our relationships better.

The current best thinking is to always provide references when applying for a new job.

The phrase “references available upon request” should be retired.

There is a better way.

At the end of your resume, include only the best references you have.  List their name, title, contact information AND …

A line quoted exactly as they summed your skills up.  In other words, ask them for it in a letter and include the quote after their name.  Most employers will not want to make more work and call all your references if they think the quotes are authentic.

And never fear a bad reference.

That’s right.  You may want to reread that line again.

Some people get pleasure or feel justified in hurting others from moving on from a bad situation for both of them.

I once applied for an on-air job at a big number one radio station in Philadelphia.  I had great references except for one difficult to work for employer but I had to list my employment at his station.

My prospective employer in fact called that mean person and sure enough got a not so nice reference.

Later when my prospective employer called me back for a second interview and an audition, he asked me point blank – I called this so and so and he didn’t have very nice things to say about you.

I was stunned.

But I said, “I am sorry about that, but I worked hard for him and I am grateful for the other mentors I’ve had”.

After what seemed like a verrrry long pause, he leaned over and said, “He’s an idiot anyway.  Never has a nice thing to say about anyone.  You’re hired”.

My willingness to be humble, authentic and honest overcame a glitch that could have ruined a breakthough career opportunity.

You’re never out if you’re never down.

I have a wristband called Lark that I can wear to bed that reports the quality of my sleep via Bluetooth and an iPad.

How many times did I wake up during the night even briefly.  How long did it take to fall asleep.  And I get a total grade from 1-10 on how well I slept – with suggestions on how to improve.

This kind of thing is likely to proliferate as Apple is rumored to be working on a wristband (iWatch maybe) that can report other vital heath and happiness signs to the wearer.

Some say it can even monitor blood sugar or tell you when your blood pressure goes up.

In other words, we’re about to enter the age of tracking exercise and social interaction, two of the main contributors to happiness.

But how do we get started?

1. Exercise – without that your health is compromised.
2. Make new friends, spend time with old friends because socializing is a main contributor to happiness.
3. Work for at least one accomplishment a day.  It can be anything but shoot for 365 accomplishments a year and they will soon dwarf the disappointments that rob us of happiness.
4. Be grateful not just for what you have but that which you don’t have.  Do we have to get cured of cancer to be thankful or can we train ourselves to say, thank goodness I am healthy and I appreciate it.
5. Questions to answer:  Have I gotten the most important things I want in life?  If I could start my life all over again, would I change anything?  In what do you find beauty?  In what kind of relationships do you find warmth?

If we start now, those wristbands are going to someday reflect the progress we are making toward a happier and more meaningful life.

Perhaps you have emojis activated on your phone’s text messaging.

For those who do not know what an emoji is think of a little smiley face that you’ve seen at the end of an email or text.  Except much more.

Emojis are replacing text.

What a long distance we have come – from Gutenberg’s first printing press, to books, newspapers, letters, emails, Twitter and text messaging and now a few icons and a few words.

The world evolves and we evolve with it.

Communication is the goal.

Whatever fosters better communication is what we should embrace.

No reason to fear the future because things are changing. Just don’t lose sight of our main purpose as a society – to communicate effectively to others.

Bring on the tools.