If you watched any of golf’s Masters Championship recently, perhaps what occurred to me occurred to you.

How awful it must feel to work so hard to compete in this major event and lose.

The same feeling emerges when a politician we support loses an election, when we fail to get the promotion we have worked so hard to get and so on.

Dealing with disappointment is major because we are disappointed so much.

No one plays to lose, but too few of us play to win because we played.

Participating in The Masters — check off, well done.

Running an election campaign – check success.

Working hard for a promotion that eludes us – chalk one up for being a hard worker who will soon not be denied.

The problem with losing is that we make it worse in our minds than it really is.  Not everyone can win a golf tournament.  Only one person may.

Where did we get the idea that we have the right to be disappointed for more than 24 hours and that’s the special rule I want to share with you this morning.

I allow myself 24 hours to be human and be disappointed – to sleep it off and start over again the next day.

Then resurrect all the good things we’ve done short of getting all that we wanted.

It’s true that to win tomorrow we have to lose today – and build our self-esteem rather than diminish it.

“Anytime you suffer a setback or disappointment, put your head down and plow ahead” – Les Brown.

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The movie critic Roger Ebert was being remembered last week when he died for all that he accomplished in journalism, television, speaking and digital media.

Ebert embraced the computer as his ability to speak was compromised by cancer that left him with the removal of his chin.

Beyond battling all that, what touched me that I want to share with you this morning is two lessons in living that are invaluable.

When he criticized the film “Brown Bunny” at the Cannes Film festival, the movie’s director skewered Ebert in return in vulgar terms.  But when Ebert saw a recut of the film, he praised the film.

Lesson one:  be gracious enough to offer praise and honest appreciation even in light of bad blood that may have developed between you and others.

Then when Ebert trashed “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”, he later admitted that star Rob Schneider had sent him get well flowers and a card upon learning of his illness.

Roger said, “although Rob Schneider might in my opinion have made a bad movie, he is not a bad man, and no doubt tried to make a wonderful movie and hopes to try again.”

Lesson two:  see good in others even when you may be critical of them.

The best way to remember someone who has passed away that left a heritage of some sort is to give renewed life to their good traits and let the departed live on through us.

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When adversity hits us or someone close to us, it is human to say “Why me?”.

In 1987 when famed Mouseketeer Annette Funicello, who died recently, found out that she had multiple sclerosis she saw the illness as a calling to help raise money to fight the disease.  She raised millions through her fame and misfortune by establishing the Annette Funicello Fund for Neurological Diseases.

But it doesn’t take starting a fund to work through adversity.

Women with breast cancer often volunteer their services to help others affected by the disease.  I know of one woman who for years made wigs for breast cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy.

Disease, accidents and misfortune are not on our wish list for sure but often adopting a “can-do” attitude about fighting back not only helps the patient but those around them as well.

It gives life a more defined meaning and a healthy perspective when dealing with misfortune.

“Cancer didn’t bring me to my knees, it brought me to my feet.” 
~ Michael Douglas

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One of the best things about constant contact with others on our mobile devices is that we can easily converse with more people and faster than ever before.

One of the worst things is that we can easily converse with more people and faster than ever before.

We seem to know what to do with spam and unwanted email.  There are programs that will shut these things down.  After all, email looks more and more like junk mail – the kind the postal service delivers.

But when it comes to work, our friends, family and new family (Facebook friends and virtual buddies), email is becoming a drain as well as a pain.

Some ideas I’ve adopted seem to help:

1. Everyone who takes the time to write to me gets a timely response – and happily because as you’ll see prioritizing email responses allows for better, more meaningful communication.
2. In an age of Twitter and texting, aim for short responses that are as succinct and meaningful as the best tweets.  It works for email.
3. Manage digital communications with you in control.  That is, a phone call is a tool for talking to some people, as texting is a way to reach others.  There are many tools that add up to communication.
4. If someone invests a lot of time to write a long email, invest a lot of time to return a meaningful (not necessarily long) response.

Life is stressful and constant contact makes us more stressful.

See these things as tools and not burdens.

You didn’t have to answer the phone 10 years ago and you don’t have to communicate with anyone that isn’t worth a thoughtful succinct response.

Email is becoming outdated because texting and Twitter are tools that many find more useful.  Whatever works, reduce social stress by taking charge of your digital life and using the tools that we all share more effectively.

“I don’t believe in email.  I’m an old-fashioned girl.  I prefer calling and hanging up” – Sarah Jessica Parker

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For many of us our daily routine is a stressful reminder that we often juggle responsibilities, work hard to pay the bills, deal with rising expenses and handle family and relationship problems that often sap our energy and optimism.

William James said, “The greatest use of a life is to spend it on something that will outlast it”.

What a great sentiment.

To be thought of for something worthwhile.

It can relate to our families, our careers, relationships and civic pursuits.  Often we’re motivated but life gets in the way.

Turn it around today.

Along with the necessities of life, make a one sentence vow that includes how you want to be thought of – what you’d like to contribute.  To not have this important sentences on your smartphone or a piece of paper is like driving without a roadmap.

One sentence.

I want to be thought of as a great friend.  Or a helper of those less fortunate.  Or a motivator.  A mother.  A dad.  A person who inspires others at work.  You get the idea.

Why live life another day without this simple roadmap to happiness and it starts with a sentence that keeps you on target even when daily living takes us places we don’t want to go.

“To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.”  — Leonard Bernstein

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Some think it is luck.

Some say successful people have a drive that is so strong that they are willing to roll over anybody or anything to get what they want.

Sorry to disappoint, but most successful people in this world whether that is measured by money or the happiness from personal achievement know that the unspoken secret of success is exceeding expectations.

A 23-year old at their first real job can rise up fast if they exceed – not just meet – the expectations of those who hired them.

But it’s not just how much you make or what others think, it’s about personal satisfaction and accomplishment.  A person may make an average salary but have an above average life because they exceed their own expectations and that of those around them.

I know many teachers in this category.  You may be able to think of others.

And the best way to exceed expectations and become successful is to try harder.

One of my favorite chapters in my book is about The Ted Williams Principle – the baseball great who was the last person to hit for a batting average of over .400 in a single season.

His manager was ready to let him sit out the last game of the season to guarantee that he’d make the grade.  Had Williams gone hitless that day, it would have driven his batting average for the year down to under .400.

William refused to stay out of the lineup and played that day – getting additional hits to solidify his modern day record of .406.

So to exceed expectations personally and those of others, bat 1.000 trying harder.

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The things that we imagine in life are often worse than what is stressing us out.

Scientists know that whatever we imagine our brains already experience as if it has happened.

Imagine you’re going to get fired and even if you don’t, the brain has already processed it as the stress of being fired.

Fear a lost relationship?

Done deal as far as the brain is concerned.

There is no arguing that there are many, many things that can reduce stress in our lives from massages to medication, but one powerful way to get stress under control is to realize that what we fear – what stresses us out – will most likely never happen (or won’t happen with the severity we fear).

But the baggage it leaves behind hurts more than what actually happens.

The researcher Amit Sood refers us to the wisdom of Mark Twain who said:  “I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened”.

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Now that Tiger Woods is back on top and back in love, Nike, the company that stuck with him through his self-induced infidelity meltdown, is doubling down with an edge.

Nike’s new social media ad features a quote that says: “Winning takes care of everything” along side a picture of Woods sizing up a putt.  Woods is fond of saying that exact phrase.

But there has been somewhat of an uproar over the attitude of this ad as a poor example to children for winning at all costs.  And that disregarding morals seems to be legitimate if in the end you win.

Nike likes to do these types of ads and taken in that context you can make an argument for their effectiveness.

But the real message that winning takes care of everything is not really as offensive as it is just plain wrong.

It’s actually the other way around.

Losing and learning to grow through adversity is exactly the ticket to success.

No one bats 1.000 but dealing with adversity makes us better.  It’s about times at bat.

So a better message, albeit it less edgy is “winning takes care of losing if you grow because of it”.

This is a powerful message for those of us struggling to not become discouraged when bad things happen so feel free to forward this email to anyone who might like to hear that adversity is the step before success.

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There was a recent article in USA Today about how some members of Generation X is hoping retire before they hit 40.

Used to be that retiring at 55 was considered early.

Being financially independent at 40 is a great goal.  Walking away from work and ambition at that age is a killer.

In fact, age has nothing to do with retirement except for economic and health matters.  What’s the first thing a lottery winner does if he or she is smart?

Keep their job.

They’ve got plenty of money but they also need plenty of life and life is like a book with many chapters.  Turning the page is an adventure.  And if you’ve got the financial situation going for you, there are a lot of exciting pages that can be turned.

The Wall Street Journal had a piece recently about the new era retirement communities with lavish pools and clubhouses.  In the article a source said that builders would never sell a single retirement home without first showing a clubhouse because the clubhouse is the dream.

So if that’s your goal, go for it.

But if you want to set your own hours, pursue another dream and thrive on accomplishments – aspire, don’t retire.

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Ever notice how different a vacation somewhere other than home can do for your health, happiness and personal life?

And often it only takes a day or two back in the grind to return to the thing we needed to take a vacation from in the first place.

Try this.

Pick a week and make it a week of transformation.

Each day concentrate on one change and to the best of your ability, stick to it.  And if you don’t like the results, you can always go back to the old routine in seven days.

For example:

Monday – Build your self-esteem on how loving you are; not what worldly possessions you have.  See yourself the way your pet sees you and do it all day Monday.

Tuesday – Focus on your spouse or partner.  Disrupt the usual routine in every way you can think of.  If you eat dinner in the same place, take it outside.  If you watch TV together, don’t – talk, play games do something different instead.

Wednesday – Focus on changing the way you work.  Frequently, the boss not only sets the tone for the job but for our lives 8 or more hours a day.  Try giving away your power.  Give up making a decision.  Try this, you’ll love it.  For one day, be the kind of person you would really want to work with.

Thursday – Live in the now.  Focus on the awesome power of listening.  Sit down with someone you ignore everyday and show some person-centered interest.

Make a list like this for Friday, Saturday and Sunday and consider focusing on children, your dreams, relationships, civic pursuits and fun.

No life will ever change until someone gets up in the morning with a plan to disrupt the often boring and stifling routine that we settle into.

“Follow your dreams, listen to your heart and always be true to you”

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I met a remarkable 88-year old man in the doctor’s office last week.

He has leukemia and has to have 12 pints of blood drawn every time he is given medication to prolong his life.

I was just getting a simple B-12 shot but I came away with a lesson about living.

He talked openly about his terminal disease.  Complained that it was difficult to walk very far without getting winded but eagerly reminded me that he could still drive.

I said, “unfortunately we don’t get to choose the illnesses that we get” and he laughed.

At peace with what will happen next, he talked about the full life he lived grateful for every moment.

It reminded me of a Dr. Seuss quote.

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened”

We have losses and we have gains.

When there are too many losses without a balanced number of gains, we are unhappy.

So another key to happiness is when faced with the small or major losses we experience in our lives, work actively to replace them with something that we gain to balance the ledger.

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Two steps.

One, exceed expectations.

Two, when something is wrong, promise to make it right.

This rule also applies to great customer service.  Imagine dealing with a business that is committed to exceeding your expectations.  And when something goes wrong, you hear a sincere promise to make it right.

In fact, I use that actual term in my dealings.  When it’s broke, we’ll make it right which means it has to be more than words to keep that promise.

A human being can ask no more of you than to do better than they expect and to fix problems until satisfaction is achieved.

Most retail businesses get this wrong – they talk a good game, but fall far short.

Most employees think pleasing the boss is so impossible that they often stop trying.

In relationships with children there is no room for empty parental promises and plenty of room to right the wrongs that come between you.

In the end what turns about being the right thing to do for others is ironically also the right thing to do for ourselves.

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Worry doesn’t ruin people’s lives.

The fear of worry does.

99% of the things we worry about never happen but it is the anticipation of what we fear could happen that paralyzes us, brings illness, wrecks relationships and puts a damper on happiness.

My father had a heart attack when he was 37.  He lived to be 82.  My mother was a professional worrywart and her son became pretty skilled at it, too.

The best book I ever read on worry was Dale Carnegie’s How To Stop Worrying and Start Living.  In a moment I will share a great way to use that book to put a stop/loss on worry.

But first, three facts you should know about worrying: 

1. Live in day tight compartments.  Don’t stew about the future.  Just live each day until bedtime. 
2. Remind yourself of the exorbitant price we can pay for worry in terms of health.  “Those who don’t know how to fight worry die young”.
3. Ask yourself what is the worst that can possibly happen if you can’t solve your problem.  Prepare yourself mentally to accept the worst — if necessary.  Then calmly try to improve upon the worst — which you have already mentally agreed to accept.

Now the hint.

Buy a paperback copy of Carnegie’s book or download it to a tablet or reader and read one chapter at a time.  Only one.  Read it over and over again as many times as necessary.  Only when you have mastered the principle in each chapter, move on to the next but not before you’ve begun to see yourself breaking the worry habit.

“Today is our most precious possession. It is our only sure possession” – Dale Carnegie

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I know three people in my life right now who have had or have cancer. 

They are all under 30.

One has had serious breast cancer surgery.  One had leukemia as a teenager.  And the third just found out a few days ago that she will have to have a suspicious lump removed.

This is unfair but life can be unfair. 

When cancer comes calling, this horrible disease seems to bring the best out of people.  Most victims find out how strong they really are even if previously they never felt strong.  Those around them automatically offer their support, a hug, a prayer, a friendship to help them through the crisis.

What a wonderful world this would be if we could do all those things for each other without having it prompted by serious illness.

In fact we can – now.

The cure for cancer is partially in the hands of physicians and partially in the mind of the person fighting for their health.  

The prescription for being a good friend to yourself and others is to offer the cure without the disease.

Adversity introduces a person to him or herself and to those around them.

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In a world where “it’s all about me”, the clamor of everyone vying for attention is tough on interpersonal relations.

At Philadelphia International Airport last week, I saw a young businesswoman who was irked because she had been waiting for a shuttle bus to take her from the car rental lot to the terminal.  She had every right to be upset because she could have missed her flight.  No one seemed to respond to her concern so she tweeted to Hertz to tell them that this is “not exactly” the service they promise.

I’m good with that.

But one wonders if we are equally motivated to catch someone doing something right.  To commend them – publicly and to their employers and to use the power of your personality to make someone’s day.

Here’s the approach I like:

1. Identify the deed and then tell the person who did it what impressed you.  To avoid mere flattery, give a specific example.  Keep a keen eye out for people you can recognize for something good they have done.
2. Tell others around them about the good deed, excellent service or news about that which exceeded your expectations.
3. Get your cell phone out and take it viral
4. Let their employer know.

Steps 1-3 take only a minute.

Step 4 if you are so motivated requires a few minutes more. 

If you want to make more friends in a few minutes than you could make trying to impress them, appoint yourself as the person who is ordained to appreciate the efforts and spirit of others.

One added benefit:  how good it makes you feel.

“The best minute you spend is the one you invest in people” – Ken Blanchard

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True love is when two people are each other’s best listener.

Tuned in, responsive.

Eager to practice the awesome power of listening to show that they deeply care.

Marriage counselors will tell you that when they conduct counseling sessions with two warring partners one or both parties scream out to be heard.  The two often speaking past each other without even noticing.

A basic human need and one not often recognized for its importance before it is too late is the need to be heard.

Anyone can do it, but it takes some practice.

Focus on the person.

Receive the message.

Respond (don’t react).

No relationship has ever been strong without the ability to listen to each other.

The simple act of listening is true love.

“The first duty of love is to listen” – Anonymous quote

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Some people just like to get under your skin.

It’s a dysfunctional way to interact with others and it can leave the recipient on an emotional roller coaster.

We reprogram our phones, digital devices and computers.  Now we can reprogram that hot button that others push to make us angry.

I know a psychologist who advised a separated couple not to talk to each other very often because of an acrimonious divorce.  So when one ex called the other it would end in a shouting match.  His prescription:  put the phone down, don’t slam it down and walk away.  Send a message that you are not reacting, but responding and the response is “we’re not going to have destructive and upsetting conversations”.  No anger – just a phone with nobody there.

See yourself in a tee-shirt that has a big “PUSH” button on the front (big and red like the Staples “Easy” button).

Whenever anyone makes you feel threatened by the conversation – either directly or more subtly – picture that “PUSH” button and don’t let them push it.

This can be very empowering because sometimes people don’t observe healthy boundaries and you no longer have to let them impose their drama on you.

“No is a complete sentence” – Ann Lamott

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When people let us down, it is disappointing.

And there are no shortages of disappointments to go around. 

A cancelled appointment, a missed dinner date, a worker who fails to live up to a promise, a friend who blows you off and thinks nothing of it. 

That’s why to overcome disappointment caused by others that can sometimes be hurtful, there is a 3-step approach that is worth pursing. 

1. Ask yourself, if the person who is disappointing you is as upset by it as you are.  If not, start getting over it immediately.
2. If a pattern of disappointment becomes evident, invest more of your emotional time in people who do not disappoint.
3. Protect boundaries that prevent others from upsetting your world whether it is intentional or circumstantial.

If you are the person disappointing yourself, identify this as destructive behavior and start treating yourself as the fine person you are.

There is power in being able to do and be more than others expect from you.  It feels great and makes those around you feel great. 

At the same time, ratchet down impossible expectations from those around you.

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed”  — Alexander Pope

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Three teenage girls who sat next to me at a recent Flyers hockey game arrived late.

One asked me if had they missed the “tribute”. 

They were speaking of a classmate of theirs who developed bone cancer and had to give up athletics, a normal life and his hair battling the disease.

The Flyers did a between period tribute to this young man who was shown on arena vision beaming from ear to ear and appeared to be the healthiest person in the arena.  The girls were thrilled.  We were all inspired.

To them, their peer represented inspiration.  Hope.  The ability to overcome adversity and prevail in the end.

Suffering is a necessary part of life.  It almost always changes the individual and those around them.  Many of life’s suffering are not fatal but we often think they are. 

Suffering can be transformational as this young boy with cancer proves.  I’m sure you can name an inspirational hero who has overcome the odds.

But everyday suffering from jobs we’re not happy with, relationships that seem bogged down or financial problems that feel insurmountable can be handled the same way.

Courage.

A “treatment plan”.

Determination to overcome the adversity that causes the suffering. 

No need to wait for illness to inspire us when there are so many other challenges that can be met with the same prescription.

Never, never give up hope.

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I have a theory why the world seems to be getting ruder.

We’ve been digitally connected now for well over a decade and it’s a lot easier to fire off a text or an email response without seeing or hearing the other person’s reaction. 

And without thinking.

In essence, we’ve become immune to observing the reactions of others.

And we’re all on digital overload.

We all have some degree of attention deficit and before you say not you, do you own a TiVo or a DVR?  Increasingly we want what we want when we want it on demand.

I’m convinced that people – even rude ones – have a great need to be heard.

And this we can do.

Listen – respond. 

And don’t battle rudeness with rudeness.

Here are my rules:

1. Fight rude people with attention – listen, observe the message along with the rudeness.
2. Show them how to do it right – respond with courtesy and respect and deliver the message you have in mind.  They should never get you off message.
3. Draw a boundary between this type of rudeness and the kind that makes you feel badly about yourself at which point – cut them loose.

You might be saying, I don’t care about rude people, but they get in our space and adversely affect our daily lives at work, at home and in our peer groups.

Best yet, even when you use the three rules to no avail, somehow you feel better, more in control.

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength” – Edmund Burke

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