I’m proud of you – Four powerful words.
When you hear it, it reverberates like an echo.
When you are the one saying it, it feels just as good to see a face light up.
Even better …
I’m proud of you (then succinctly say why)
Discover the power we all have within us to move people in a positive way by finding something to be proud of.
When I was training to be a Dale Carnegie instructor, I was recognized for winning an award when my mentor was present in the audience.
I accepted the award in front of the room and almost without another thought, I called this person up to be recognized for all the time and caring he had put into my training – then I handed him the prize.
Never in my life have I missed possessing the physical gift because even though he is gone, I feel joy every time I think of how surprised and proud he was to take custody of my award.
The gift that keeps on giving and never stops is the one in which you elevate those in your life for the recognition they deserve whether it’s one-on-one or in front of an audience.
“If you want to conquer fear, don’t sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” – Dale Carnegie
No matter how good the intentions, people find it difficult if not impossible to bring about positive change.
As Mayo Clinic physician Dr. Amit Sood puts it, the one sure way to make yourself miserable is to try to change someone else.
Better to change yourself.
Set the bar higher for your difficult relationships – define what you’re now expecting and let them choose to meet it.
We’re powerless over others but in control of what the rules of engagement will be.
Most people now spend over 5 hours a day on average with their phones, screens and social media.
That means a lot real life, in the moment experience is being outsourced to a digital device.
These devices are so addictive because we’re used to making sure we don’t miss anything, hoping for something pleasant or good and just trying to stay connected.
Martin Cooper, the man who invented the world’s first mobile phone is now 92. His advice is put down your devices and “get a life”.
Even a slight reduction in screen time each day produces tangible benefits.
I’ve never shared this publicly but the time seems right now.
In the one year my publishing business lost money back in the 1980’s, I became filled with negative thoughts that seemed to kidnap my optimism and focus – if it continued, it would have ruined everything I worked for.
One day I walked around the Executive Mews complex in Cherry Hill, NJ where I had a small office and saw the empty pad for a new, much-larger building to be constructed. After sleeping on it, I went to see the landlord, signed a 5-year lease – even added the features I thought I would need when I succeeded.
From then on my mind had no room for failure in any way and by the time we moved in, things were humming again with better times ahead than I could have predicted – and, I had the space for it.
Bet on yourself – it’s a sure thing.
Courage doesn’t grow on trees it has to be cultivated.
Every time you make a difficult decision it’s an act of courage.
The more instinctive these acts are, the more naturally you are becoming.
Courage occurs before you act.
None other than Warren Buffet himself said we get caught up in the circumstances of the current environment we find ourselves in that may spark you to do things you don’t want.
Change your habits before they change you.
Take control of your phone – it works for you — you don’t live for it.
Replace the word adversity with opportunity – when you believe a raw deal is strong enough to lead you to a better deal, you’ve solved the discouragement problem.
And, make time for you and those you love and who love you – the biggest regret of people at the end of life is that they spent too much time working and not enough with loved ones.
Being not appreciated is not your problem unless you buy into someone else’s lack of recognition of what you are about.
Relying on others to validate you is a dangerous path.
A more productive one is to view yourself in two ways – what you are accomplishing, the goals you’re meeting, the things you are doing to succeed and to not confuse criticism with getting better.
There is no positive use of criticism and never has been – it can scare, force compliance but it never makes a person better.
Appreciation starts with you – looking for it elsewhere is to invite trouble.
60-year-old country singer Toby Keith revealed that he has been treated for stomach cancer for the past six months, is taking time out from touring and looks forward to resuming his life.
But first: “I need time to breathe, recover and relax”.
Often adversity’s gift to us is discovering a way to be nice to ourselves.
If sickness makes us appreciate the importance of taking time for ourselves then it has delivered a precious present that can outlive the disease.
People respond when they hear about advantages not disadvantages.
Sure, they can be scared into altering their behavior, but it never lasts.
Hard nose sports coaches can win through fear but they get fired as often as the so-called “players coach”.
Your children don’t want to hear about the disadvantages of social media or too much screen time, they will respond to the positive benefits if they ease off.
Employees can be asked to do it for “the team” but humans always want to know what’s in it for them and is it something they care about.
Give a person a possible positive advantage and they will respond.
Tell them to give up their phones because they are killing their sleep, losing the ability to concentrate and causing lots of unneeded anxiety won’t stick.
Show them proof that they can actually accomplish their dreams by focusing on one-to-one interaction and you’ve got a convert who will get their devices in balance.
There’s no way to see the future 5 years down the line.
Just try to put yourself where you were 5 years ago and you’ll see where you are now was not where you thought you’d be then.
It’s hard to predict life, friendships, challenges, unexpected events but there is another way.
Look for options – what ifs.
You can’t predict what will happen next but you can prepare for expected eventualities.
In baseball, you don’t hit a homerun every time at bat.
In fact, if you get on base one out of four times, you’re likely making a lot of money in the pro sport.
Sometimes you get stranded on base.
Or thrown out attempting to steal a base or score a run.
To count as a “run” scored, you often have to go through a lot of setbacks and close calls.
Life is no different.
Discouragement is a gift no one would ever ask for but it rewards you as a precursor to success – think of it as a gentle reminder.
Discouraged? Get busy.
Same with failure – it’s not pretty and no one likes it.
But almost every successful person achieved their goals building upon the ashes of failure.
Failure is a reminder of how badly you want to succeed.
If you go back and try again, it means you really want it and have improved the odds for success.
I asked a student of mine who missed an A by missing a class presentation what would you do if you were your professor?
A different set of rules than what others are abiding by, the same or something else?
The matter was resolved quickly, graciously and impressively when this fine student concluded that they wouldn’t really do anything different.
The ability to see things from the others point of view is where understanding begins.
No one ever suffered from not getting their way – often, it leads to better things and sometimes by letting go, it comes to you.
So how do we get there?
Not getting everything you want doesn’t mean not getting anything you want — it actually helps you focus on what’s important.
You don’t get power by taking it from others.
You give them power as tough as that may sometimes be.
The person who can make others feel empowered is the one who is truly empowered.
A friend of mine sent me a link to a meditation site that included a great quote on the awesome power of listening.
The quieter you become, the more you can hear – Ram Dass
In the context of meditation, it is the sixth sense that comes from listening to yourself.
It can also apply to interpersonal relationships.
The more you open your mind to what others are saying, the more you can make an authentic response.
Before getting out of bed every morning, think of three people who love you.
Then, three things you are most grateful for.
When you are with others, smile at the next 20 people you see without saying another word (you will change your mood and bring out the friendliness in them).
Once a day do something totally different even if it is just taking a new way home in spite of what Google Maps tells you.
When away from loved ones even for just hours, greet them as if you were away from them for weeks when you return – their response will make it worth doing again and again.
Love your phone, but put it out of sight when you’re with someone in person you love more (research shows even when a phone is put aside, we’ll keep checking it).
Everyone has what it takes to become a more confident person – it’s just that some people instinctively know how to unleash it.
It doesn’t take a lecture or a TED video to be more assertive – confident people speak up instead of overthinking it.
Becoming a leader isn’t complicated, but it does take vowing to be that leader.
One of my NYU students recently spoke of how much they wanted to lead a class group project and by the time the groups were formed, had the look and desire that made them the unanimous choice.
Wishing won’t do it, acting will.