The Mayo Clinic physician and author Dr. Amit Sood has a great way of improving his home life that I’d like to share with you.

It’s the 2-minute rule to a happier family life.

When you arrive home from work (or end your day if you work at home), check your emails and texts away from your family (in the garage if you are driving) one final time before greeting your spouse and children.

Give 2 minutes of focused attention to each family member when you greet them – two minutes because that’s the amount of time research shows we have to capture a person’s attention before they block us out.

Ask open-ended questions (“how was your day”, “what made you happy today”) and give them as much time as they need.

We can complain about being locked down or overwhelmed by the sheer amount of our digital communications or we can handle it and learn to deal with those we love by applying this 2-minute rule to get off to a good start.

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Almost every family has experience with panic attacks because life is such that they are very prevalent now.

I’m not particularly prone to them personally but not immune from them either.

I was flying from Philadelphia to Las Vegas for a broadcasting convention and ate something that I was apparently allergic to (in the salad dressing) that caused my heart to beat rapidly and my face to turn red – 35,000 feet above land.

There are many causes for panic – too many to go into here – but there are a few things that seem to help.

Just the thought that you will get through the episode helps.

Changing thoughts from fear to thinking about others relieves some distress.

“I will not die” is helpful. 

Deep breathing, relaxation and thinking about other times you’ve dealt with panic sets the stage for recovery.

The physical threats of the cave dwellers trying to avoid being eaten by an animal predator have been replaced by chronic psychological worries and hurts that are multiplied by our constantly in touch lifestyle.

The brain can be rewired to respond to panic by bypassing anxiety for resilience – and it works.

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Wayne Gretzky was the greatest hockey player ever.

His father, Walter Gretzky who died within the past month, wanted to be good enough to play at the pro level but he could never make a career of it and spent his efforts coaching the player who would be known as “The Great One”.

But his superstar son was a lousy NHL coach when his playing days were over – Dad seemed to have the better skills there.

The funny thing about our dreams is that we should always have but not limit them.

Had Walter Gretzky hung up his skates there may have been no Great One.

And had Wayne Gretzky fancied himself as a coach because he was a great player, he might still be looking for his first Stanley Cup if not his first winning season.

Dreams cannot be managed – they are like radar showing you the best opportunities.

Forward to a friend.

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Golf magazine has a great motto, “Life, Well Played”.

If you had a motto, what would it be?

John Doe, always consistent?

Karen Smith, reliable and resourceful?

What words sum up your best advantages?

Coming up with positive descriptors is more difficult than the negative thoughts that seem to flow so easily into our minds.

John Doe, difficult to get along with.

Karen Smith, stubborn.

The trick is to know which words best describe the best you and repeat them as a mantra over and over again in your head to build legitimate self-respect.

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No one gets to choose their own cards.

Even solitaire players have to play them as they are dealt.

This is helpful in understanding adversity because no one is able to avoid adversity and just deal themselves good luck – you have to play with what you get.

Card players can complain, but it does no good – they can fold them but they are admitting defeat or they can hold them and use their skills to manage what they are dealt.

Being lucky is good.

Being resourceful is better.

In life you don’t often get to choose your own cards.

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Viktor Frankl said “Live as if you were living for the second time.”

Every crisis presents opportunity.

Learn from the mistakes of your “first life”.

Those who have come face to face with their own mortality take Frankl’s advice literally because it is never too late to hit “restart” and change the course of your life.

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No less than Harvard Women’s Health reports in its March, 2021 issue that patients who underwent surgery on their surgeon’s birthday were more likely to die!

6.9% died compared to 5.6% on any other day and the explanation is that the surgeons might have been distracted by life’s events and were not focused on work.

What it does show is that it is hard to focus in a world of distractions so the more crucial something is to us, the more we need to eliminate outside factors that could harm the results.

You’ve no doubt been there – I worked for a radio program director who couldn’t accept severe laryngitis as a reason to get a substitute to sit in for you preferring no voice over a healthy one.

Focus is key to positive outcomes in all areas of life not just surgery reminding us of the importance of learning to not just be in the now but focused on the present.

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Can you imagine what it must be like to be responsible for your entire team losing?

That’s what happened to The Seattle Seahawks playing against the Patriots in the 2015 Super Bowl.

They had the game won and it was the coach, Pete Carroll who blew the call.  At the last minute the Seahawks lost what should have been their second Super Bowl victory in a row to the team that seems to win all of them.

But not Pete Carroll who is known as a master motivator took the hurt and heartbreak and turned it into personal growth.

Things don’t always work out, but they always provide a path to become better.

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Almost everyone I know is stressed (including me).

But not everyone thinks of stress the same way.

Some look at each new anxiety as the one that may break them – usually it doesn’t, but thinking like this doesn’t help.

Anxiety is best treated with two things – a little self-kindness and gratitude.

A mental hug is appropriate because we need to know that we’re doing the best we can at all times.

And gratitude not only for the good things in life but the people who love and care for us puts anxiety in perspective.

The world is a tough place that is handled best with soft touches like being kind to ourselves and grateful for the things and people in life that destress us.

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You wouldn’t make a presentation or a speech and tell yourself “I hope I don’t blow it” before you begin – it’s the wrong message for a positive outcome.

That’s exactly how we beat ourselves up every day wondering what mistake we will make next or how we won’t measure up.

That stops today.

You’re always good enough – it’s all you can be.

You’ve succeeded a lot in life but somehow fear of failure hijacks all our successes.

Scroll back, they’re all there just not recalled often enough.

Picture a brain with a sign firmly planted in it that says “Keep Out”.

The negatives input of others is not welcomed and it’s our head, you decide what gets in and gets repeated.

If you can’t believe in you, how can you ask any individual or group to believe.

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It’s not the amount of anxiety people face, it’s their ability to take a pause before getting caught up in it.

Not a grand plan, not retribution nor avoiding the stressful world we live in.

A pause for a moment to allow the brain to respond instead of react.

Meltdowns occur when we pile yet another stressful situation, irritation, problem or crisis on top of the things we’re already carrying with us that cause us to be anxious.

The difference between reacting and adding another stressor or responding to prevent more unneeded stress is something as simple as waiting 5-7 seconds before acting.

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“When my older daughter came into my room early one morning to wake me up on the weekend, my sweet 5-year old son stopped her outside my room and said:  ‘Let Mommy sleep.  She needs some sleep to have a happier day.’  Considering how sleep-deprived I am as a working mom with both kids remote schooling, it was a relief to receive a bit of empathy.”  — Faye D’Silva, Toronto, CA/New York Times Parenting Letter

Even more important than sleep is empathy.

Understanding and sharing feelings is a potent elixir for burnout.

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I tell my students who are concerned about the times in which they are beginning their adults lives and careers that greatness comes from great adversity.

Abraham Lincoln, a Republican, rose to greatness by emancipating the slaves, a divisive issue that eventually claimed his life.

FDR, a Democrat, was elected and reelected to four terms as president during two major wars and one ten-year depression.

When the current virus “pause” ends, life will not return to exactly the way it was because time has moved on – a year so far and counting.

But adversity helps us know and appreciate ourselves and presents a golden opportunity to be great.

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The big thing during these days of quarantining is “relationship fatigue”, a fancy term for getting on the nerves of people we love and care about.

Tough times will pass but one thing they are good for is practicing skills that will be useful when normal returns, for example …

• Once a day greeting those we live with as if we haven’t seen them for several weeks.
• Being present not just there by focusing in on what is being said and respond.
• And if all else fails, practice the awesome power of listening because no one doesn’t like being heard and it makes being in close quarters almost bearable.

Relationship fatigue is when we’ve become tired of doing things that make others want to be in our presence.

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Isn’t it interesting that we can automatically show an animal more love than we can show ourselves?

A treat, a hug, warmth and love and it happens without thinking.

Meanwhile in the people world, we often can’t find the words to tell ourselves “nice try”, “good job”, “I’m awesome” but we have no problem being self-critical by default or worse, repeating the criticism we have heard from others.

There is a reason why our faces light up when we interact with our pets – we are showing unconditional love not “if you chased the ball better, we’d have more fun at the dog park”.

Accept yourself the way your pet accepts you without conditions.

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Think of it like this – you’re the conductor and the people who work with you are the musicians.

To make music together, a conductor alone is only as good as the talent around her.

The assembled talent without a leader is squandered brilliance.

Every meeting, then, is one in which you extract the best performance possible from those around you – that’s what real leaders do.

That’s why meetings are often a waste of time – talent listening to a leader do most of the thinking.

Why even great ideas are useless if they never get heard – kind of like a musical performance that exists on paper and never happens.

Effective leadership is teaching then directing not directing and trying to force an outcome.

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When we succeed, we want to continue so our tendency is to keep doing what made us successful.

That’s why Victoria’s Secret couldn’t keep up with how women changed, radio stayed the same by doing less to save money and Toys “R” Us went out of business because children changed their toys.

The thing is what usually got us there in the first place was change, disruption but success breeds an affinity toward playing it safe.

Cultivate a propensity for change by doing things differently, thinking differently and acquiring different skills.

Apple changes so they continue to succeed, but they really don’t take a lot of risks – new products (a watch, coming soon glasses), reinventing things (their iPhone is essentially a better camera with each iteration) and making digital life increasingly easy (as Steve Jobs said, “it just works’).

Challenge yourself long before someone else does – that’s the mental version of a workout.

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As I’ve mentioned before, my mother was a professional worrier – she had her reasons.

My father was deployed to war for four straight years without a leave long enough to return home and when he did, a few years later, he had a major heart attack at just 37 years old.  Although he survived, his health was impacted and my mother’s worry grew with every day.

In the end, he lived to his 80’s and my mom to 96!

Ok, I’m a worrier, too but I have the benefit of a gift my parents paid dearly for but one that I greatly appreciate.

Many reminders during the day of the high price to be paid for worry.

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I used to teach public speaking when I was a Dale Carnegie Course instructor.

I learned quickly that those looking to overcome the fear of speaking to assembled groups – even small ones – believe they become someone they are not.

Loud.

Bold.

Dramatic.

And yet some of the most effective communication in the world has come from people with quiet voices and a homespun manner.

It turns out becoming an effective public speaker is best accomplished by accepting yourself as you are and then have a strong desire to send a message.

I ask:  “what am I passionate about saying” and then I do it with my east coast accent, my broadcasting voice complete with hand gestures (I’m Italian, I speak with my hands).

Being what you’re not or what you think someone else feels you should be never works in public – and the truth is, it doesn’t work in private either.

Being you is enough.

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When a song repeats in your head over and over either because you heard it or for some unexplained reason just think of what happens when we run ourselves down.

It’s one thing to put a stop to others who say hurtful things, but it’s even worse when we allow negative thoughts to kick around in our brains like a song we can’t stop playing.

Imagine positive things to line our subconscious and put them on repeat.

We know the damage that can be done when the we take the hurtful words of others and keep repeating them, but turnabout is fair play here – change the message and hit repeat over and over.

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