A team of Hungarian scientists did a study that concluded that what we say and how we say it are important – as it turns out both to dogs and humans.

They used words of praise and neutral words like “if” and “yet”.  You can read about the study here.

In our high-tech world, we may not even hear words, just read them which means a potent tool for communication is being lost.  Or we may just use an emoji.

What we say and how we say it matters.

It’s been said that a trainer throws a seal a fish as a reward for performing a trick.

Now, we’re finding it may be even easier to communicate praise to those we care about if we also consider the importance of the way it sounds.

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You know, you hear the words, the melody, the beat and it repeats over and over and it’s hard to stop it.

That’s exactly what happens when we focus on criticism – we repeat it over and over just like a song we can’t get out of our heads.

Sometimes we’re the critic – that’s not being nice to ourselves.  Often, it’s the hurtful words of someone else that marinates in our brain.

Change the station.

Program something positive (example: “I am a good listener”, “I care about people”, “I want to succeed”) and let those lyrics play as long as they want over and over again to help become a more positive person. 

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The co-owner of our favorite fish store is the nicest person – every time we walk out, Cheryl and I say the same thing over and over – “what a nice person.”

Yet not all customers are nice to her – she gets chewed out, corrected, directed and sometimes outright insulted in spite of her sunny disposition.

Do we have a responsibility to make others happy if they won’t let us?

Or is it better to be the person you want to be 100% of the time no matter what the response?

Being liked shouldn’t require an election or a popup survey to see how you’re doing.

Your vote is the only one that counts.

Have you done all you can to be your best self?

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If I asked you this one question, could you answer it without a pause – “what are you trying to accomplish?”

It’s funny that when we’re asked what we don’t like – pick any topic – we can’t wait to elucidate.

It’s virtually impossible to set a meaningful goal without knowing what it is first.

In Dale Carnegie Training problem solving begins with this question “what is the problem” because human nature being what it is, our tendency is to start coming up with solutions even before we can clearly state the problem.

The same with goal setting.

Think of a smartphone with a Waze or Google Maps app on it – even today’s technology requires us to clearly state where we want to go before we see the path to get there.

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When you need a brain surgeon, you only want a perfectionist which is why if you’ve ever noticed anyone who needs a doctor usually describes him/her as “the best”.

But perfection in everything can be toxic.  It causes us to turn into task masters that are not easy to work with and often makes winning cooperation more difficult.

This doesn’t mean accepting less than the best.

When two sports teams oppose each other, they are not worried about perfection, they are obsessed with winning the game.

Life is similar  – it’s about winning not becoming a person so obsessed with perfection that they cannot see that they are already ahead.

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People can control their attitude.

Their reputation.

The ability to filter out negative crosstalk that seeps into their heads.

But controlling people cannot be done in spite of the fact that almost everyone keeps trying to do it – it drives people away and makes the controller unhappy.

Attitudes can be controlled, people cannot be.

The only way to get control of anything is to give up control – accept that which you cannot change.

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Hate your enemies and you become them.

Forgive but don’t forget and you rise above them.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting.

Letting go of the pain they inflict feels so much better than holding on to something that continually hurts and makes us more like the people we detest.

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“I was thinking about you”

We think about people in our lives every day, but do we tell them?

Share it – you’re already thinking it. 

This is one phrase that is effective in any form of communication – text, phone, in-person or video.

Action step:  make one minute or less QuickTime video and send it to the person you are thinking about.

If someone puts you down, they are a fool.

If you put yourself down by underestimating your potential and accomplishments, you are the bigger fool.

Allowing others to tear you down is self-destruction.

No one succeeds who doubts themselves.

Keep trying to change someone and you will always be miserable.

Change their politics.

Their priorities.

Their goals.

Their beliefs.

It cannot be done.

Concentrate on the one person you can change – you.

1. Think of your latest victory.
2. And how you do your best to handle adversity.
3. Recall a success in dealing with difficult people.
4. Forgive yourself for not being perfect.
5. For what and for whom are you grateful to have in your life at this moment.

The opposite of FOMO is going on an adventure and experiencing the unexpected.

FOMO has been proven to add anxiety to everyday living.

Lower expectations and set off on an adventure, give up control and let whatever happens happen.

Replace fear of missing out with willingness to go all in.

One key doesn’t open every lock and there is no one way to get people to cooperate – it takes a different key to unlock people.

Sometimes it’s not even a key, but a FOB.  Assuming that one way to win cooperation from any someone will work on everyone will lead to disappointment.  Every person requires different things.  So the idea is not to use a master key to get the best out of people but to carry around a bunch of keys that will inspire others to follow you.

I ain’t lookin’ to compete with you
Beat on, cheat on, mistreat you
Simplify you, classify you
Deny, defy, mystify you

Frighten you or uptighten you
Drag you down or drain you down
Chain you down or bring you down

Now I ain’t lookin’ to block you up
Dock or rock or lock you up
Analyze you, categorize you
Finalize or advertise you

I don’t want to straight-face you
Race or chase or track or trace you
Or disgrace you or displace you
Or define you or confine you

Now I don’t want to meet your kin
Make you spin or do you in
Or select you or dissect you
Or inspect you or reject you

All I really want to do … is be friends with you.

All I Really Want to Do lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Darwin talked about survival of the fittest but now a new book is focusing on survival of the friendliest.

Cooperation and sociability are turning out to be just as important as physical strength and endurance especially in the high-tech age.

Dogs and wolves are cited as examples.  Wolves being strong and fierce and dogs being their friendly descendants.  Wolves are endangered.  Dogs are people’s best friend and exist in great numbers.

Friendliness may be worth doubling down on from the board room to personal relationships.  Learning how to win cooperation and teamwork are the skills that can make us thrive.

Alex Trebek has had two heart attacks, survived brain surgery for blood clots, lived through an automobile accident and now is fighting a deadly and painful cancer, pancreatic.

Last year, he was sighted in his office so sick from chemotherapy that he was on the floor sobbing in pain.  And yet he refused to cancel the marathon tapings of “Jeopardy!”.

Announcer Johnny Gilbert is quoted as saying “Once I introduce him on that stage, he is Alex Trebek.  You can tell that that’s what he’s living for.”

What are we living for?  What makes us work through pain, disappointment and anxiety to overcome adversity.  Alex Trebek is putting on a real time clinic.

• Mistakes are not to be feared because they help us adjust, learn and grow.
• When mistakes are made that inadvertently hurt others, a sincere apology can smooth them over.
• Think of it – we hate making mistakes even though a person has yet to be born who doesn’t make lots of them.
• Turn that around to look like welcoming mistakes the way we accept directions from Waze and Google Maps – information needed to get us to our destination not meant to discourage.

Those who have beaten cancer don’t waste time bemoaning their misfortune.

They speak of victory not victimhood.  About what they have accomplished not the disease.  Next time our jobs are stressing us, or we have to deal with relationship problems or any other adversity we face, let the cancer survivor remind us to focus on our victories not just our difficulties.

Bullying is not reserved to big loud obvious people.  Even quiet voices can intimidate.

Being left out is a subtle form of bullying that says you are not like us and until you are you will not be included.  When people are voicing disappointment, they are gaining the right to vote on our behavior — if we listen.  It’s difficult to not be affected because the human condition is to do what it takes to get along. One solution is to reclaim the right to vote on how you feel about the way people talk to you.  Repeated negative comments about age, appearance, weight or personal preferences can be as painful as a punch in the gut.  When someone tries to have your way, vote no.

Social media and traditional media have the effect of a direct pipeline to the brain.

In the 1940s, newspapers delivered the news once a day morning or evening.  Photojournalism was reserved for the movie theater well after the events happened.  In the TV age of the 1960s footage of the Vietnam war was flown back to the U.S. in time for the evening news.  Around 2000 you could use a computer to search for news.  Now news that is often anxiety producing is delivered constantly on digital devices.  To manage anxiety, it now means managing the flow of necessary news.  The technology is 24/7 but you schedule the delivery that is least stressful.