The more humans focus on themselves to pursue greater happiness and recognition, the more the opposite happens.

When you focus too much on yourself, you become disconnected and alienated from others and as the Dali Lama wrote in his book on joy, “In the end, you also become alienated from yourself, since the need for connection with others is such a fundamental part of who we are as human beings.”

The more you pursue a butterfly, the more it eludes you.

Sit back and allow it to land, and the more you will enjoy it.

Same is true in finding joy in life.

A new study reveals that simply looking at a live plant on your desk can considerably reduce stress.

You don’t even have to care for the plant, forcing yourself to look at it or interacting with it in any way.

Just the fact that a plant is in your sight brings anxiety reducing benefits.

Too much screen time even for things that we believe are pleasurable along with lack of in-person interaction may be some of the things causing a buildup of stress in addition to life’s challenges.

Stress-busting plants — a big claim so I’m linking to the study.

When we get overwhelmed with too much on our plate, our instincts tell us to work faster.

Work faster and pay for it with increased anxiety, headaches and the feeling of helplessness.

Slowing down has the opposite effect.

It takes discipline but forcing yourself to actually go slower means you are more focused. Instead of feeling slammed, you begin to feel like you are accomplishing something.

But what about all those things that are overwhelming you?

At a slower pace, instead of frantically trying to keep up, you begin to ask “is this critical”, “do I need to do it”, “do I need to do it today?”

Less may be more, but slower is less stressful and more effective no matter how many things are overwhelming you.

Small accomplishments feel the same as big ones.

The euphoria lasts about the same – generally a lot shorter than we’d like to think.  (Even winning a pay raise wears off too quickly, it seems).

But here’s where small accomplishments come up so huge.

They make us feel good about ourselves no matter how small the victory.

And they help with sour moods or even depression because devoting time to accomplish something new is a diversion from dwelling on a nagging problem.

In this new year, most people don’t need lofty or ambitious resolutions that seem to fade away before the end of January.

They need an accomplishment each day – maybe even two or three little ones.

Anxiety is a product of worrying about worry.

Staying busy in productive ways is the residue of focusing on the now.

Starting over is not always better than staying with it.

As frustrating as it can be, each minute of continued frustration can also bring you closer to the prize.

Starting anew is an option that should be reserved for when you lose the passion.

For everything else endurance is what gets you to your goal.

Being right is not as important as doing what is right.

Doing what is right often has a downside.

Being right tends to be a bet on the upside.

One thing matters – doing what is right in spite of the consequences and you will always have made the right – if not most difficult – decision.

The prolific self-help author Wayne Dyer famously wrote:

“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”

Not change the things you do.

Not put a bandage on it.

Or try something different.

Change the way you look at things and that paves the way for more intuitive decisions.

It’s why hitting “reset” at the New Year seldom works – there are no magic solutions to fixing the things that may be broken in life.  It’s a temporary fix.

But look at your problems in a different way, from a different perspective, in a more global way and it is amazing how people can alter behavior and accomplish what previously was so difficult.

During a class discussion recently on careers in the music business, my students were in virtually 100% agreement that their 30’s is the decade that they think of for optimum success and happiness.

That’s probably right from a lot of perspectives but not exclusive to any one decade of life.

Over the recent holiday break, I saw an 88-year old clergyman conducting Christmas Eve services with the acuity and vigor you would expect to see in, say, a 38-year old.

And I met a breast cancer survivor – 51 years old who had the deadliest form of this cancer at 32 and survived after a double mastectomy.  She is living life with new-found enthusiasm that comes from being a survivor.

I know a leukemia survivor who also has lung cancer and she is actively riding in bike marathons from South Jersey to the ocean, a living lesson in what it means to live in the now.  Can you do that?  I can’t.

As hard as it may be, living in the now is the only option.

And after meeting adversity, it often turns out to be the best.

Most of us see ourselves on a long journey … coming by train.

And from the window we drink in the passing scenes of cars on nearby highways…

…of children waving at crossings…

…of cattle grazing on hillsides.

But, uppermost in our conscious minds is our final destination – that certain day … certain hour … when our train will pull into the station with bands playing and flags waving!

And, once that day comes…dreams come true.

So, restlessly we pace the aisles, peering ahead … waiting … waiting for the station.  Once we reach the station, that will be it.

When we’re 18.

When we win that promotion.

Buy that sports car.

Put the last kid through college.

Pay off the mortgage.

Have a nest egg for retirement.

We await each station with such anticipation.

Sooner or later, however, we learn that – there IS no station.  There is NO place to arrive once and for all.

The station is an illusion.  The station constantly outdistances us.

The journey is the joy.

So…stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles.

Instead…swim more rivers…

Climb more mountains…

Kiss more babies…

Count more stars…

Go barefoot more often…

Eat more ice cream…

Watch more sunsets…

Ride more merry-go-rounds…

Life is to be lived today.

This was from a broadcast by Paul Harvey on August 27, 1985.

The World War II war general, hero and later, president Dwight Eisenhower had a special system for keeping critical things in perspective and less important things from getting in the way.

This system is now known as the Eisenhower Matrix.

Divide everything you have to do into three categories:  1) Urgent;  2) Not Urgent and 3) Not Important.

Urgent – requires immediate action or attention.

We know what Not Urgent and Not Important are but we all somehow let these things usurp our valuable time sometimes because they are easier to do not more important.

Trying to do everything is no way to be effective.

Today, try asking the question:  “what is so critical (urgent) that I must do it now” and let a famous general help to declare war on being overwhelmed.

“It’s that he never tried to make money” (observed Disney animator Ward Kimball in Richard Snow’s Disney’s Land).

Disney didn’t know exactly what his grand plan was just that as he told illustrator Herb Ryman “I just want it to look like nothing else in the world”.

Trying to chase financial success is a sure road to failure.

Trying to be the best at what you do even if you’re unsure of what that is a better bet.

Here’s the winning mindset:

You’re not looking to bat 1.000 because no one does and aiming for unreal perfection actually assures more failure.

Batting 1.000 in effort, now that’s doable.

No quitting.

Brush off discouragement with renewed optimism.

Invest in yourself, don’t outsource it to others.

The person who never gives up or allows discouragement eventually wins.

A coach who motivates through fear or fear of loss will not last long.

Most of us eventually become our own life coach but we often turn to negative narratives to keep going.

If I don’t (you name it), I’ll get fired.

If I can’t make her happy, she will not like me. 

If I don’t give my children everything, I am a bad parent.

Even the mere thought of failure, allows it to come in.

Staying positive is not a pep-talk.  It’s respect for ourselves.

Anxiety is worrying about worry.

As an air talent, I worked for a newly-hired radio program director in Philadelphia who would fire a personality every Friday until he removed every performer he didn’t like – approximately six.

The firing schedule was by design – never more than one person a week.  Always Friday.

So, you can imagine how paranoid we all became.

One day as I reached for the front door of the station, I asked one of my fellow air talents exiting “who got fired today?”  Me, he answered.  It was that surreal.

To survive in such a toxic workplace, we needed to focus on doing our best rather than trying not to get fired.

The station failed.  Our competition adopted a more person friendly approach and they won the ratings war.

It took this toxic workplace to teach a tough lesson:  stop worrying about worry because it wouldn’t save our jobs and made us even more anxious.

Few of us really reveal what we mean.

You can’t make a person talk.

But you can become skilled at listening for the other side of silence.

What they are not saying that speaks volumes.

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Put aside what you think and know, consider it from the other person’s point of view.

You know what you want, what do they want?

Is there anything you can give them to settle things?

A media broker told me that he orchestrated a multimillion deal only to see the both parties blow it up over a mere several thousand dollars.

Shouting, threatening, suing would not put the deal back together again but the shrewd broker met with both parties separately and emphasized that it wasn’t the few thousand dollars that threatened completion of the deal.

What was it?

He knew and got both parties to admit they hated the other person at which point the broker just said, take the money and never talk to them again.

The deal closed.

To handle a major disagreement put aside what you know and see things from the other person’s point of view.

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If busy people could somehow be granted more time to accomplish all their priorities, they would most likely go out and find more things to do and more projects to take on.

More time is the great deception for – “I don’t know how to prioritize”.

No one can do everything.  Achievers know that and they do less of what is not important.

They prioritize.

What one thing today is so important it deserves the most time and first priority?

What is the most obvious thing (or things) I can get away with not doing? 

Repeat after me “I’m sorry, I cannot take that on right now” – achievers win more respect for being honest even from their bosses who may not be aware of your time crunch.

Set a deadline that includes exceeding expectations for completing your responsibilities.

There is no law that says every deadline must be when time runs out and have stressed yourself out even further.

It’s not more time that busy people need, it is the willingness to say no, say later, say this doesn’t need to be done and to build in a buffer to reduce stress.

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From the Alan Alda podcast Clear+Vivid sharing an FBI hostage negotiator’s professional technique that can also be helpful in getting through marital disagreements …

“He said interesting things like he never argues…he uses empathy to let them know that he understands what their complaint is. He doesn’t agree with him but he doesn’t argue with them. He just lets them know he’s heard them.”

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I worked for a Philadelphia radio station that was number one in the market.  Its personalities were sought after because they were among the best.

Soon a competitor with an inferior broadcast signal but a lot of money started stealing the station’s top personalities away to join their attempt to knock the station down in the ratings and elevate themselves.

Many months and lots of money later, these same superstars on the number one station were also-rans on the ambitious competitor.

The lesson appeared to be that it takes a team to be number one – promotion, the right content, a comparable signal so that these assets could be heard and of course the personalities.

Radio without the personalities didn’t work.

And personalities without the right radio station didn’t work.

It not only takes a team to succeed in broadcasting but in life.

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Do something for someone else.

Anything.

Reconnect.

Be a good listener for them.

Build their confidence.

Spend time with them (especially face-to-face).

Often the remedy for feeling down is to help lift someone else up.

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