Help someone else get what they want first.

No one is more motivated to help you than the person you have already assisted.

If you want a promotion, help the boss get recognized, rewarded or promoted – most (but admittedly not all) bosses will know where the extra juice came from. 

If something means the world to you, can you name what means the world to the person who can help you get it? 

The road to satisfaction always passes through the lives of someone else first. 

You can usually get what you want if you sincerely can help the person who can give you what you want.

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Golfers who hit their ball off the fairway into the rough or beyond often start searching for it further away than it fell.

Golfers are wishful thinkers.

And they’re stubborn.

They keep looking for their ball in the spot that is way beyond where it actually landed.

That’s why you’ll often see them only resort to walking back to keep searching.

Everywhere else, why do we assume that whatever we’ve done is quite good enough – didn’t advance as far as we like?

What helps us the next time is how high or far we are willing to aim this time.

Optimism begins when pessimism is eliminated from our lives.

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More than 50% of Americans say they are overstretched, anxious or experiencing toxic stress that affects their health and happiness.

Cutting stress is like a diet – it may work for a while and then the stress returns.

Here’s how to get stress under control by changing the way you look at it.

Focus on only one thing at a time – yes, do not multitask, you pay a high price for efficiency gained by becoming more distracted.

Prioritize all day long – right now, what’s the most important thing you need to do? In a minute or an hour that may change so reshuffle priorities to wind up with the one thing to work on next.

Put all worries, concerns or fears in the back of your mind and deal with them at a time later in the day when you’re not under the gun.

Feel free to let others know when you have reached maximum stress level not by complaining but by asking for help.  Example:  Can I have an extra day to work on this project or does it need to be done now.  Often the next day will be agreeable.

And the big cure for being overwhelmed …

Actually slow down – the slower you go, the faster you accomplish things the first time. 

And pat yourself on the back when you’ve been able to shed the anxiety that living in a fast-paced world brings us.

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What is it with people who feel good when they leave others out?

With social media, it doesn’t even take courage – just a few ill-considered taps on the phone.

Being left out hurts and requires strength of character from which to rebound.

Say things like this …

When I am feeling badly about being left out or not included in some way, I am going to reach out to someone else and include them.  

The difference between being hurt and being angry is hurt will pass, angry will either make you someone you don’t want to be or eat at you.

Love yourself.  People who do are also loved by others. Those of us who get needy become vulnerable to hurtful people.

Distance yourself from people who abandon you — no good can come from it.

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You can’t dictate when that will be, but you can say when your quest is to begin.

Do you have a dream?  Can you name it?

What?

Only one?

In your career, what do you see yourself doing to gain rich fulfillment and success?

In your personal life, what is the dream for you and the special people in your lives?

What is your God-given gift – are you going to pursue it or just walk around knowing what it is? 

A few weeks ago I mentioned the importance of a dream and a scheme – a plan to advance you toward that which will ultimately bring you satisfaction.

More money is not a dream.

Becoming more powerful is lust not self-satisfaction. 

Trying to be liked by all, a fool’s errand.

Your dream is something only you know and the moment you identify it, acknowledge it and safeguard it from the negativity of others, will you be on your way to realizing it.

Not if – but in a matter of time which begins today.

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Call someone who has lost a loved one this past year to help them through their grief at holiday time. 

Do something you never usually do – take a vacation alone, or a day by yourself.  Ask anyone who has traveled alone for the first time and ask them how many people they met.  Be courageous and reap the benefits. 

Bring a gift to someone ill or needy.

When I was working at a Philadelphia radio station, I spent one memorable Christmas Eve at the Moss Rehabilitation Center horrified as little children with advanced arthritis sped down the hallways in the prone position on skateboard type devices.  When they were ready for bed, I went room to room and handed them each a radio.  I got the real gift that warms me until this day.

Try to spend at least some time with the kindest, most considerate person you know doing anything as long as it is with them. 

Stay off of Facebook and social media that has been proven to make users lonelier.

Next year you may be closer to friends or a special person may have entered your life, but today you have yourself – the specialist gift you ever receive.

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You can’t really win an argument.

You can bully someone into saying they agree with you or inflame them even further by forcing them to defend themselves just because they don’t agree with you.

Or, assuming you can’t avoid an argument as Dale Carnegie always recommends as the first important step, then enjoy it.

Ask the other person to layout their case. 

Don’t disagree or ask them to agree with you.

In fact, don’t tell them your position until they ask.

An argument is usually about power.

There is a winner and a loser.

But if you decide that there will be no winners and losers, just learners, then you can shake hands and see the other person’s point of view without having to abandon yours.

If you are in a relationship where the other person has to win every argument, you may need to remove yourself from it.

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We lose it when we lose control.

Even the meek among us prefers to be in charge of their own destiny.

One guaranteed way to never be in charge of your destiny is to waste time trying.

Give away your power and see if you die – it’s more likely that you will live happily on every occasion. 

Help others become empowered – not through words but actions.  Take a seat and say, “you run this meeting” and then do everything you can to help them succeed. 

Stairs are for running down, people are for building up – every breath you invest in making another person more powerful, makes you more powerful.

Fight to keep control and you’ll live a lifetime of unhappiness.

Give it away by enabling others and your become more powerful than you could ever imagine.

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Don’t listen to criticism. 

Don’t read reviews. 

No one ever benefits from criticism — not even the person giving it.

When you are the target of unwanted criticism, you become less effective, less confident, more stressed.

Ignore criticism if you can.

When forced to acknowledge it (say, at work), admit to hearing it but don’t dignify criticism of you any further by entering into a conversation.

Criticism makes us feel needy – resist it with whatever it takes. 

Doing better and learning from so-called “constructive” criticism are two opposite things.

Even if criticism brings about change out of fear, it will not be long lasting.

The place for criticism is out of your mind.

The place for self-improvement is to use your mind on your own.               

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Ask “Tell me about yourself”.  Then listen, don’t talk.

Ask any question and you will win over even the most reluctant person. 

Not just strangers – this works at work by asking an associate to “tell me about the ideas you have about this project”.

Everyone’s favorite topic is themselves and yet how often do we make it about us?

The secret to being not just a good conversationalist but a great one is to be genuinely curious and anxious to hear what others have to say without having to weigh in with your view.

Something as simple as talking in terms of another person’s interests can make you a happier and more effective person.

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The number one best-selling book series of all time is Harry Potter.

Yet 12% of more than 21,000 Harry Potter reviews are only 1-star – in other words the worst book I’ve ever read.

How could that many people be so wrong for author J.K. Rowling who made the most money in history as an author, an estimated $1 billion.

These unhappy readers may have hated the series, but so many more people loved it.

The next time someone hates on you – nibbles away at your confidence or your ability to succeed – remember Harry Potter. 

Others are entitled to their opinions but they should have absolutely no effect on your passion to succeed.

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People hover over you.

Give advice from their perspective.

Overreliance on others when the answer is to trust yourself.

Trust your instincts.

Self-help is an entire category of other people giving you their advice.

Real self-help is to rely on your own judgment.

You will fail sometime and succeed others – even Ted Williams, the best hitter in baseball, failed 60% of the time.  It’s okay.

Learn from others, then you decide how to proceed.

Spend more time on your confidence, less on taking advice of others.

Learn patience to prevent panicking into quick fixes. 

Being the best is not about being someone else’s best. 

Depend on yourself not someone else. 

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Name 5 faults you’d like to get rid of.

Now, name 5 wonderful qualities you have.

If you’re like most people, the faults will come easy and the list may actually be greater than 5.

Finding 5 wonderful qualities is harder to do.

Make it the other way around.

Be on the lookout for opportunities to congratulate yourself (“nice job handling an angry customer”, “I was a good listener to my mother this morning”).

Repeat:  positive self-congratulations is not egotistical, it’s self-care.

Never listen to unsolicited criticism.

If you don’t like yourself more often, how can you expect others to appreciate you? 

Looking for faults is self-destructive, looking for positives is an immediate confidence booster.

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A crisis either gets fixed or we learn how to live with it.

No matter how bad it is, the problem will get resolved.

The real problem is the stress, anxiety, upheaval, self-doubt, hurt feelings and outright fear that consume us in the meantime even though we know the two possible outcomes.

Don’t panic – toughen up.

Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen because it rarely does. 

Take a pad; write your fears in one column and the facts in the other.  Facts trump emotions in solving problems.   

Avoid people who make you feel more stressed, insecure, less confident or hurt.

Seek out people who see life with positivity to make you stronger and less anxious. 

No one gets to avoid major problems.

But the problem is not likely to get you, the lack of self-care while dealing with it will.

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There are two good ways to cope with the loss of a loved one.

The first is don’t rush grief.  Well-meaning people will say “be strong” and try to divert your hurt but grieving takes as long as it takes to grieve.  The pain lessens but the loss is always felt.

The second is make the person you lost live on through you.  Take their best quality, the one you love the most about them, and adopt it – make it your life’s goal so it lives on through you.  Remember them as if they are still here because in many ways they are.  Laugh with them and love with them again.

It doesn’t make sense to overcome grief if that means to let what you liked about them so much die.

When you chose specific ways for that person to live on through you, it helps with the pain and brings happiness back.

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At work, how many times have you known in your heart and mind that your bosses or associate’s idea is all wrong and won’t work?

Fight it and you get what?

Pushback.

Get more emotional, they dig in deeper.

To win a disagreement – at the very least to get yourself heard – resist rejecting their idea before you present your alternative.

Being against something never works.

Be for something as an alternative and do it skillfully.

Here’s how ..

1. Don’t initially respond to what you don’t agree with, clearly state another idea as an add-on (“hitchhiking on your idea, what if we did this” and insert a view of your own).
2. Ask questions, avoid making statements.It’s the human condition to want to buy and not be sold and that applies to ideas, suggestions, projects, problem solving, etc.
3. Avoid criticizing the other person’s ideas – they will blindly defend them anyway and you will be seen as the problem.
4. Some people are incapable of listening to the input of others and often these are superiors who somehow see their job as doing all the thinking.In that case, compliment every time they give you a chance to contribute (“it’s good of you to throw this open for differing views”).
5. Find something to like about the prevailing person’s idea(s) even if you hate most of it or you can be sure they won’t even listen to yours.

Unfortunately, brainstorming and problem solving are confused for power.

If the person running a meeting can’t be open to the ideas of others, then you can impress by being open to something they said.

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Always ask questions.

Don’t make statements.

Get the other person to tell you what you want so badly to tell them through the use of questioning.

(This is a professor’s secret – the more you can get students to ask questions about that which you are preparing to teach, the more engaged in the subject they become).

Being open to opposing views is the advantage you have over those who know it all.

Getting your way is earned by encouraging others to have their say.

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Prioritize rather than multitask – Multitasking increases anxiety.

Take control of your phone – You control it, it doesn’t control you.

Refuse to worry all day – pick a time, say between 8-8:15 pm and limit the damage.

Reject pressure to succeed – focus on giving 100%, no more, no less.

Deflect the anxiety generated by others right back to them – these are not your burdens.

Trying to be liked and accepted is not as effective as liking and accepting yourself.

Giving up control is the only way to truly be in control. 

Worrying about money doesn’t make you more of it.

Gratitude for little things brings instant serenity. 

To bet against yourself is a losing proposition 100% of the time – confidence comes from assuming you will prevail.

Put fear of failure in its place – out of your head.

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Those who study the brain including the Mayo Clinic physician Amit Sood understand the importance of trying new things.

Being open to that which is not routine for us.

This helps our brain, lifts our mood but the reason we like to keep things the same is for convenience and fear of failure.

Try a new walk, a new run, a new exercise

A different way to get to work

An entirely different lunch

Meet at least one new person every day breaking the ice first

Write your next email in a way so different it doesn’t even look like your email

Give a decision you can make to someone else

Let the waiter/waitress choose the best of the menu and even if it disappoints, it will invigorate your ability to live life in the present.

We often think of changing jobs, partners, houses or apartments and other things to break out of the monotony of daily life.

So go ahead, Give someone you don’t usual praise a sincere compliment with the evidence to back it up. 

The fountain of youth is our ability to try something new.

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Civility is out.

Getting what you want at any cost is in.

Answer rude like this …

When someone glances at their phone, stop talking until they put it down.  (Watch, they’ll say “I’m listening” or “I can do two things at once”).

When a person insults or hurts you, get them to repeat it twice or even three times by asking questions (“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say”, “Tell me, why are you putting it like that”, “Will you repeat what you just said”).  Often the offender backs off to some degree but if they don’t, you’ve made them aware of how you feel.

When you’re bullied, say no.  Nothing else.  Don’t give a bully more oxygen.   

Attacking a rude person doesn’t make them less rude.  Specialize in what you’re feeling not what they’re saying.

No one gets direct access to your subconscious – only you and keep it positive at all times. 

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