Stage one – devastation.

Loss of confidence.  Often surprise.  Inability to comprehend why things went wrong.  Dejection.

Stage two – blaming yourself.

What did I do wrong (not what did others do or how did circumstances affect my fate).  Fear of trying again.  Deeper loss of self-esteem and an inability to come up with a plan to persevere.

But that doesn’t have to be the end of it.

Start reminding yourself successful people usually overcome adversity. 

Learn from the situation and be specific.

Never blame yourself – denigrating you is not a winning formula to move ahead.

Be extra kind to yourself – setbacks hurt, we’re human, but being nice rather than overly critical can heal a lot of hurt.

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The hotel worker who cradled Senator Robert F. Kennedy’s head in the kitchen where he was assassinated in 1968 remembers the quality Kennedy had that made him like the senator.

Juan Romero delivered room service a day earlier and remembers how Kennedy looked right into his eyes and made him feel important.

It won’t be difficult to find people who believe you make them feel important in a world distracted by digital devices and self-absorption.

Feeling important is one of the best feelings we can have (or give).

It makes us special – no other words are necessary.

Just focus, gaze and sincerity.

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On Instagram or Facebook someone is having a better vacation than we had.

Or is wearing more stylish clothes.

More friends on social media even if they don’t know them all.

A new job gets a big announcement and plenty of congrats.

Seems things are perfect in cyberspace.

Even when we consciously try not to have high expectations, when it is a tap away on the phone, it is easy to be a bit envious and disappointed.

Disconnect from time to time.

And repeat this mantra:

Keep your expectations low and your motivation high to avoid the ups and downs that are so prevalent in the digital world.

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I was at Philadelphia International Airport a week ago when my printed ticket would not authorize me to go through TSA Pre.

The TSA agent didn’t just show me where the kiosk was for printing a new one but she took me to the kiosk, leaving her post, inputting my ticket number and printing a new ticket.  She then proceeded to walk me back through the line to her station.

I would have been happy with instructions but it made my day to see her personally intervene and take such a person-centered interest.

Philly’s airport reputation just got a reassessment.

All TSA agents are rude and cranky – not this one.

By doing more than I expected, I was not only happy and grateful but it made my day.

The secret in a self-absorbed world is to exceed expectations.

At work.

At home.

With friends.

This is real positive power available to anyone looking to be remarkable starting now.

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There is no such thing as constructive criticism.

Constructive help?  Yes.

Criticism?  No.

No one likes to be criticized even under the guise that it is going to make you better.

Listen to suggestions, not criticism.

Filter out the negative.

Help others.  Avoid including a critique of what they did wrong.

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Nothing helps boost positive feelings more than when things are going right.

And nothing makes us doubt ourselves more than when things go wrong.

The trick is to build confidence when you need it most not to wait for things to get better on their own.

Keep a list of accomplishments on your phone notes  

Review the list many times during the day (it’s right on your phone)

Include little things – in fact, start with little things

Assume you will succeed not fail

Take time to discard any negative comments from others

Trying and not quitting is a big success – put it on the list

For every criticism, add a compliment – always balance them

Never attack yourself

Remember there is no such thing as constructive criticism 

To build confidence it is first important to show love and respect for yourself.

And the most important thing:

Don’t look for confidence in the words of others.  

Your confidence is your responsibility.

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Nothing hurts more or more deeply than self-doubt.

When the simple belief that we can do it is attacked by all the reasons we can’t.

It’s one thing for other people to doubt.

It’s fatal to happiness when we doubt ourselves.

Nothing worth doing is worth doubting.

Assume a virtue if you have it not as Shakespeare said.

Don’t look elsewhere for the belief in yourself.

If you don’t have it, they won’t have it for you.

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Money.

Relationships.

Work.

Not enough time.

These are four of the biggest anxiety producers.

Stress is cumulative.  It gets worse as we obsess over it.

An effective way to stop stress in its tracks once it starts occurring is to repeat this mantra often:

99% of the time what we worry about never happens.

The worry always causes more anxiety than what is feared.

Manage stress by putting it in its place.

Perception is scarier than reality.

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When they go low, you go high.

But what about when they keep going low?

Another approach is when they go low you ignore them.

It’s like wearing a shirt that has a big button on it that says PUSH.

There are times when an honest response is the right thing to do.

And when the insults keep coming, keep cutting off the oxygen of the verbal abuser.

They will soon look for someone else’s buttons to push.

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It took 5 years.

Many surgeries.

Rehabilitation.

Dealing with personal issues.

Living with self-doubt.

But on Sunday, September 23^rd, Tiger Woods won his first PGA victory.

Here’s the thing.

Losing is an ugly gift that reminds us how badly we want to win.

The tougher it is, the more it hurts, the more that it requires us to double down and not give up, losing in a rehearsal for winning that cannot be denied.

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Criticism is never constructive.

And harsh criticism is abusive behavior.

Even in sports, the coach who gets away with harsh criticism as a motivator is often out of work a year or two later.   Hurtful feelings are a lousy motivator.

Don’t listen – walk away, end the conversation.

There is a difference from improving and being devastated.  Improving is your decision no one else’s.

Being defensive means the abuser won.

Another reason not to listen.  The first time you defend yourself, you won’t change anything but you will feel worse.

No one gets direct access to your psyche.

Not even for compliments.  Our brains are sensitive areas that control the way we feel about ourselves.  Letting anyone have direct access to our inner most and fragile state of mind is flirting with danger.

If it is an employer who harshly criticizes, double down on looking for new work. 

The best way to avenge such negative and hurtful behavior is to do something positive to finding a less toxic workplace.

Never criticize yourself.

Nothing is harsher or more damaging than an insult uttered by you to yourself.

We are responsible for how we think about ourselves – never outsource it to anyone else especially those close to you.

Concentrate on the good, not the bad.

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Facebook has a low bar – anyone can friend anyone else.

There are lots of great acquaintances but few true friends.

A friend is your best listener. 

If they talk about themselves, they will never be a true friend.

Friends never take, they always give.

They don’t sell you something, invite you to parties in place of asking what they can do for you not what you can do for them.

True friends don’t have to be similar to you, but they must share similar values. 

Opposites attract except for values.

A friend never judges. 

That would be hurtful.

A friend never gives advice.

True friends know what we started out with above – a friend is your best listener.

A true friend is never jealous.

If you have a few true friends, they should be getting the majority of your time and effort in staying connected.

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Why do we talk ourselves down?  Or allow others to do it?

We feed ourselves to remain healthy and we must also feed our psyches to develop and maintain a healthy positive attitude.

Here’s a sample power talk:

I care about others. 

I am fair and open-minded.

I can say I’m sorry quickly and emphatically.

I can name accomplishments I have achieved without hesitation. 

I admit mistakes, work on them but don’t fixate on the negative.

I can name 10 things I like about myself. 

I can name 5 people who I am grateful for and why.

I will never give up.

I listen not just talk.

I will no longer criticize myself as criticism is not constructive in any way.

By repeating a customized power talk every day – updating it and augmenting it – we remind ourselves of the difference between a pep talk and power talk.

A pep talk can be fleeting and superficial.

A power talk is a reminder of the fine person that we are.

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Dreams without plans are delusions.

Dreams come true when there is a path to making them happen.

Want to change careers?   

Make new friends? 

Change your lifestyle?

Improve your health?

Pursue your passion? 

Step 1 – Know yourself.  What specifically do you seek? 

Step 2 – Design a road map to get to your specific goal. 

Step 3 – Who can be of help – seek their advice not their consent.

Step 4 – Know when to give up and when to persist.

Here’s how to know.

If you can take one defeat after the other and still work through your discouragement, you are eventually going to realize your dream.

If you are discouraged, tired, no longer sure – you have still accomplished something important.

To know what you want is as important as knowing what you don’t want.

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The harder people try to feel stronger and more empowered – the less it seems to work.

Talk is just talk.

And taking action can sometimes be viewed as bullying or aggressive behavior.

Here’s the secret to becoming more powerful.

Be the person who gives away their power.

People are attracted to strong people who make others stronger as well.

Let someone else make the decision you were going to make.

Encourage others to recommend to you the best course of action (instead of being the one to dictate or strongly influence it).

Give the gift of your time (nothing is more appreciated than a person who is willing to listen). 

Find ways to give away your power – if you are the boss, supervise as if you were still the person that works for you.

Forgive.

Encourage.

And give credit that might belong to you to other deserving people.

I know a person who gave away most every award he received by accepting it and giving it to the person who helped him win that award.

Powerful people live a life of giving away their power not fighting for it.

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Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

Not about you.

What’s in it for them?

Companies fail to win cooperation because they talk about only what they want not shared goals and motivations.

Some radio industry CEOs set records for using words like “I” and “me” even while referring to employees as “team” members during motivational “town hall” meetings.

Unhelpful words to eliminate from your vocabulary when your interest is gaining cooperation …

Team (when referring to the corporate kind) 

I 

Me

The most helpful word …

You 

When others see what’s in it for them, they are more likely to help you get what you want.

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You help build someone up not run them down.

When people put down others, what they say is best dismissed from your mind.

The longer it lingers, the more damage the insult does.

People have a way of remembering and repeating negative input while dismissing the positive.

Think of your brain as a special place that not everyone is allowed to have direct access to.   

You decide what gets in and what doesn’t.  

No one gets to say things that you don’t allow – you’re in control as you should be after all, it is your brain. 

So when something hurtful is said, you are the firewall that either lets it ruminate and stew or rejects it outright.

The master of human relations Dale Carnegie says “don’t criticize” — period.  There is nothing good that comes from criticizing yourself or others.

Asking for positive criticism is actually asking to be put down.

There is no such thing as positive criticism.

How can I be better?  That’s the best and healthiest way toward growth.

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A sense of impending doom.

The need to escape.

Hyperventilation.

Rapid heartbeat.

Sweaty palms.

Just some of the symptoms for a panic attack that may last anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour or more.

Focus on breathing — exhaling and inhaling very slowly.  Help someone else by doing this with them.

Give yourself space.  Help others by letting them know you do not want help right now.

Concentrate on being and feeling safe.  If you help someone having a panic attack remind them you are “here for them”.

Panic attacks are very common in the interconnected world in which we live.

They can’t be argued away.

And panic attacks are no reason to be shamed.

Help by comforting someone having an attack not arguing with them or lecturing.

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Elon Musk is miserable these days.

The founder of SpaceX and Tesla should have it all but he speaks publicly of depression, a nervous breakdown and the inability to sleep.

Happiness comes from realizing how fortunate you are.

A grateful person is rarely unhappy.

They find ways to see even small things – and especially small things – as reasons to be happy.

All Elon Musk’s money cannot make him happy because material things are transient flowing in and out of our lives.

Walking out of a breast care mammogram grateful for another period ahead of good health is the real currency not the amount of money in the bank.

Being poor can cause unhappiness but the pursuit of money usually causes the same feeling.

The only way to be truly rich is to be eternally grateful.

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Empowerment is not bragging or exercising control over others.

We feel strong when we reach out and touch others.

Start the day by paying at least one compliment to someone else before uttering the words “I” or “me”.

Don’t look for compliments — give them. 

Compliment the person; not their looks (that’s flattery).  A compliment is only sincere when it is backed by evidence. 

Feel stronger by listening to someone else without interruption.

Let someone ahead of you in line at Starbucks.

When someone is stressed, be the one not to add to it.

When people are rude, it makes us feel angry.  But if we want to feel powerful, focusing on someone else without looking for attention in return is the first step toward empowerment.

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