Happiness just happens, right?

But it really doesn’t.

Sometimes things do happen that make us happy and we’re always chasing more of these random events.

People who are really happy are those who realize that happiness is a choice.

If you have to wait for something to come along to be happy, then you’re going to be unhappy a lot.

Even money doesn’t make us happy although we think it will.  Check with lottery winners a year or two after they got wealthy beyond their dreams.

Still unhappy with all that cash.

And when illness, loss or hard times bring us down, we can’t always reverse these things just because we don’t like them.

Happy because I have people who love me and who I love.

Happy that I survived tough times or a difficult situation.

Happy that I had the flu because it could have been worse.

Happy to lose my job, the next one changed my life (this happened to me).

Happy to come this close to losing my life because surviving it made me appreciate life even more.

As we said, happiness is a choice.

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There really is no such thing as the future.

There is only now – where we can live, love and feel fulfilled.

We think of the future as a place where we can get the things we really want but nobody can see the future and anyone who lives in that space will be constantly disappointed.

The future has a way of never arriving.

Dreams are another thing – they are the desires we have that will only come if we develop a path to attaining them.

Dreams are redeemable in the present where they can be fully enjoyed.

People who live constantly for tomorrow may not realize it but tomorrow never comes.

But dream and prepare a plan to realize it and they will be enjoyed in real time.

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In this age of social media and political directness, we have a right to stop verbal abuse.

By telling people who cannot seem to muster any human relations skills that you do not plan to be their target any longer, you are fairly saying be nice or be quiet.

It is your right.

Just because social media allows people to interact in ways that can be insulting, hurtful, embarrassing or abusive, the remedy is to set your rules.

Same goes for verbal conversations where people feel they can tread on feelings by bowling you over with some of the bravado that has become commonplace.

Philadelphia TV weather personality Cecily Tynan who also has tons of adoring fans for her meteorology as well as fashion sense, took a critic right down to the mat when the rude Facebook user started debating the appropriateness of an outfit she wore on television.

Tynan wasted no time putting that bully in place by writing “be nice or be quiet” to the delight of her other fans.

After all, it is her Facebook page and she controls her own life.

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The other day, long-suffering Philadelphia 76ers fans were actually screaming “Trust the Process” as a crowd chant during a game.

Trust the process is what management has been asking fans to do while they endured years of underperformance by the Sixers to get a better chance at a high lottery pick and thus restock the team with the best talent over time.

That, and a little lottery luck, has remade the Philadelphia 76ers into a playoff contender for the first time in a long time.

But wait …

Do the fans really know what they were collectively shouting?

Trust the process means be patient, good things will happen.

It strikes me that this is the shout out many of us need to give ourselves when change takes too long to happen or when we experience a loss of confidence.

Be patient.

Good things will happen.

Trust the process.

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1. Write down the top 25 things you want to do for the rest of your life.
2. Circle your top 5 goals.
3. Start planning how you are going to achieve those top 5 goals and cross off the other 20 goals and don’t spend any of your valuable time on them until you’ve accomplished the 5 most important goals.

Buffet who is renown for studying hundreds of companies to acquire but actually acts on very few says that really successful people say no to almost everything – the opposite of what most of us do.

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A study of 18 maritime disasters (ship sinking’s) over 3 centuries covering the fate of 15,000 people of more than 30 nationalities overturns widespread belief that women and children got off the boat first.

Captains and crew survived at a higher rate than women, children and male passengers.

Women do no better even if they represent a small share of the passengers on a sinking ship.

This leads the National Academy of Sciences that conducted the study to perhaps tongue-in-cheek say this human behavior can be described by the “expression every man for himself”.

More than gender wars, this study underscores the importance of understanding that when faced with a life or death situation, most people will take care of themselves first.

In friendships – even strong ones – it’s helpful to remember this human condition.

And it reminds everyone that they are ultimately and always in charge of caring for their own needs first.

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The Villanova basketball team that has won two national titles in three years has done it without cell phones.

Coach Jay Wright takes his players’ phones away the night before a game to help them stay focused on their job.

The players don’t like it – of course, they want their phones back – but you can’t argue with the results.

Wright: “They’re kids … They don’t know how to focus”.

Phones produce anxiety and resistance to tactics.

Every night after 10pm for each road game, a Villanova official goes room to room to collect players cell phones.

Phones are the enemy of sleep and sleep is important for everyone and in particular athletes.

Some other teams ban phones from team meetings but Jay Wright sticks to his hard and fast rule.

Phones are tools that make our lives better.

When they become an addiction and affect our sleep, cause anxiety or make us lose focus, it requires taking control of the problem.

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These are the words of Serena Williams, the tennis great who couldn’t be stopped from becoming the most prolific woman tennis player of all time.

23 Grand Slams while battling through various illnesses and injuries that might stop someone with less conviction.

The mind is the most important part of the body.

Without the confidence to achieve, even all other gifts from talent to physical prowess are worthless.

Push the possibilities.

Test the limits.

Believe in the ability to do that which you set out to do.

No limit, no disadvantage, no obstacle is greater than any individual’s unwilling to believe in themselves without condition.

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Dale Carnegie’s advice was “don’t criticize, condemn or complain” and it would be a great world if people even tried to live up to this.

You get called in and someone offers “constructive criticism” – you really want the constructive part and the bad feelings you will come away with left out.

You can’t control others, but the next time you are put in a position to answer negative feedback of any kind, these are their judgments right or wrong and you are being watched for how you take it.

Open to criticism or overly defensive?

If they are expecting an argument, skip it – their minds are made up.

Just say thank you.

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It’s one thing to stay positive – think positive thoughts, do things in the present and be present 100% in relationships.

But not focusing on the negatives may not be enough to realize happiness.

Think of what your life would be like if you didn’t have that special person or the career you love or the friends and family you cherish.

This negative visualization actually produces a positive effect.

By thinking about what you’d miss, you appreciate it more and see how the people and things you like make you happy.

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Free time to chill and veg out is a waste of free time.

Invest it in something that will bring happiness and see great returns.

Learn something new. 

Start something you’ve been putting off. 

Unleash your creativity. 

Be brave and attack something you’ve been meaning to do.

Free time is not down time.

It’s extra time for you.

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Laurie Santos is a Yale professor who teaches the most popular course ever at the college – Psychology and the Good Life.

Salary does make for happiness – after the basics, more money is a dud.

Spending time with a friend and doing things in the moment makes us happier.

Professor Santos encourages learning without laptops even though they have been proven to aid a better outcome.  But face-to-face makes for happier people.  Fortunately, her course is pass/fail – less anxiety.

Rewirements may be necessary – meditate, get more sleep, learn to be thankful.

Students loved the gratitude journal – it’s not new, maybe today is a good time to start one in your own unique way.

Social media?  A no-no but students struggle for a way to stay connected to their generation without losing their happiness to the black hole of social connection.

If you have ten minutes, meet Laurie Santos and her students here.  Maybe forward this to a young person.

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Of course “me time”, time spent primarily on you can be reinvigorating especially if you’re under a lot of stress.

But “you time” focused on others can also carry the benefits of “me time”.

Time you devote to others – this powerful giving of self is not to be underestimated.

Listening.

Helping.

Calling, conversing and showing person centered interest in someone who is not you.  Just staying in touch.

It has been proven that one of the best mood elevators we have available is to lose ourselves in the lives of those who mean something to us.

To a daughter or son putting your phone down first and saying “Let’s go for a walk (or a run)”.

To a friend who is alone, a call or visit.

For someone else who is also feeling a world of anxiety – “How about lunch tomorrow?”  That’s “we time”.

Time not focused on you redirected to others also relieves anxiety.

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My senior year college students often asked “What does it take to make a lot of money?” shortly before graduation.

After all the student loan debt many undergraduates acquired, you can’t blame them.

They were disappointed in my answer.

Be great at doing something and get someone to pay you for what you love to do.

Targeting ” more money” is almost always a guarantee of failure.

More money is not a strategy.

Becoming an expert at something you love — that’s the first important step.

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Dreams without a plan are fantasy.

Dreams about future accomplishments are now expectations.  They are out in public, no longer just a fire that burns inside of us.

But when we dream about possibilities, we need to have a plan to achieve them.

The plan is as important as the dream although it is often missing from the start.

What does your dream look like?

What does it mean?

How motivated are you to do whatever it takes to make it reality?

Most importantly, what is the first step – then the next step and every move thereafter to make it come true.

Nothing is sadder than seeing a dream of something you can almost taste in your future and no practical, specific way to get to it.

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Imagine a boss that doesn’t give you a day off for seven weeks.

Or one that calls you in the middle of your radio show to tell you what you’re doing wrong.

The one who critiques your work when he or she is under the influence (almost every night).

The boss who shows favoritism to others and doesn’t keep their word.

I have worked for all these people.  Perhaps you have a few challenges of your own.

Bad bosses cause good employees to quit jobs they love.

Rule one – never quit a job you love.

Rule two – outlast the bad boss who is making your life miserable (unless they are abusers or so adversely affecting your health that you are in jeopardy).  But report them.

Power, politics and ego are three of the most likely attributes of a bad boss.

Rule three – while suffering fools, never stop reminding yourself of your value.

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1. Guilt– Deal with negative feelings because you don’t need to be your own worst enemy.
2. The Past– Put it in a file cabinet or folder.  Refer back to learn from it.  There can be no happy future when we dwell in the past.
3. Social Media – It is the attention black hole that is now being recognized as an impediment to living life happily in real time.  Wean off social media by replacing time spent in the black hole with face time.
4. Jealousy – It kills relationships and hijacks our best qualities.
5. Running Yourself Down– For every negative that you hear or repeat about yourself, balance it with one (or more) positives.
6. Pleasing Others– It’s impossible to please everyone or even someone.  Become proficient at creating your own narrative without regard to how others interpret it.
7. Controlling– The sure way to unhappiness is to try to change another person.

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The life of physicist and cosmologist Stephen Hawking who died after years of slow progressing ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) is the ultimate study of how to beat situational depression.

Hawking was paralyzed.

Eventually could not speak.

Could not live without constant nursing care.

In his later years he was able to communicate only through a speech generating device at first a handheld switch and then by using a single cheek muscle to cue his voice synthesizer.

Hawking had three children, two wives and a life of distinction.

If ever anyone had a right to be depressed, it would be this man who had so many physical challenges.

Hawking’s inspiration to the rest of us is to overcome obstacles whatever it takes.

Realize your full potential even if it means accepting adversity and then devoting your life to overcoming it.

No matter what the many contributions Hawking has made to science, the obvious yet least likely to be recognized is that even as his body died, he lived a full productive life to compensate.

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No one likes adversity, but everyone becomes better for having experienced it.

The richest people in the world had to overcome adversity in varying degrees. And for some reason when money is handed down without being earned, the recipient does not enjoy the success and happiness of those who have to work for it.

The two advantages of tough times are they help us discover who we are.

How we overcome obstacles. How we plan to make it better.

But perhaps the biggest benefit in discovering who we are is to find out what we really want. After all, if you’re willing to pay any price to overcome what ails you, you know you really want it.

The other advantage of adversity is we find out who are friends are.

As trite as that sounds, there is no denying that a person who is really for you will shine while you are dealing with the pain and the challenges of adversity.

Adversity is the rehearsal for success and happiness by being the vehicle that introduces us to ourselves and to those around us.

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This is a term that is being used a lot right now – “We need to have a conversation”.

What they’re really saying is – I need to have you listen not necessarily talk.

Our world is fast and impersonal – we’re constantly in touch but it doesn’t mean that we are focused on listening.

99 times out of 100 if someone says we need to have a conversation, they are asking for you to hear them out and that doesn’t necessarily mean agree.

Ironically it has been proven again and again that the best conversationalist is the person who listens, asks questions and learns not the one who talks the most.

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