New Jersey Governor Chris Christie may have dealt a serious blow to his presidential ambitions because of revenge – that is assuming, of course, that he was aware of the actions of his staff to disrupt traffic on the George Washington Bridge that spans New York City.

Putting politics aside because both political parties are usually always guilty of the same transgressions, seeking revenge kills careers, families and interpersonal relationships.

Confucius said, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves”.

Don’t get mad get even is bad advice.

If forgiveness doesn’t work, try channeling your creative juices.

There is much psychological evidence that creativity heals the urge to seek revenge and it helps folks deal with the painful circumstances revenge creates.

Politicians will never learn, but they are not alone.

Until we deal with the feelings that prompt us to use whatever powers we have to seek revenge on another, our lives will not only be filled with anger but careers and families will be broken as well.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

There is a reason no one would ever give up a smartphone after using one.

It’s your life in your hands.

Here’s another.

Capture a picture of a loved one you have lost and put it on your smartphone in a photo file where you can keep photo memories of the ones you wish to remember.

Then, during the day, find a moment to scroll through the picture and think about the one trait you admire most about that person.  Should you decide to make that trait live on in you, digital memories of this kind help you to stay focused and remember someone special.

Making a loved one’s picture as smartphone wallpaper is also a great way to never forget the ones you love.

Better yet, make an additional second file for people who are special and still with you.  Just a moment of appreciation guarantees a positive, happy remembrance of the special people who value the most.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

Ke$ha told TMZ, “I’m a crusader for being yourself and loving yourself, but I’ve found it hard to practice.  I’ll be unavailable for the next 30 days, seeking treatment for my eating disorder … to learn to love myself again, exactly as I am.”

And then there’s the ongoing controversy about photoshopping stars and models on magazine covers to make them look like something they are not.  Vogue and Jezebel are having that fight right now.  Lady Gaga said a recent photo-shoot was not how she looks when she gets out of bed.

And then there is Girls, the breakthrough HBO series where star Lena Dunham appears just as God built her even in intimate nude scenes.

Not being happy with how we look is not new.  But there is hope that a new generation will make some needed advances.

• Retrain the way our brains work to accept ourselves the way we are.  Is the runner up in a beauty pageant really a loser?  Technically they lost to number one.  Aren’t there more important things than trying to be what we are not?
• You would never call anyone else fat or scrawny so do as Leslie Goldman, body image expert and author of Locker Room Diaries suggests:  “Treat yourself as you would treat others, and you’ll find negative thoughts will lessen over time”.
• Compare yourself to you – always a good policy.  Are you more fit, healthier, happier today than you were?  Now that’s a comparison you can live with.

One size doesn’t fit all in personality, passion, intelligence, compassion and, yes, body image.

And I love this from Tom Stoppard, “I am not my body. My body is nothing without me.”

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

Savor.

When I asked my USC students if they would like to know a surefire way to avoid having to multitask, none of them raised their hands until, of course, I stood there in a long uncomfortable silence waiting for someone, anyone, to be curious.

What don’t we do along with something else?  Game of Thrones is watched while our “second screens” (phones, tablets, laptops) are in use nearby.  We shop at Safeway on the phone.  We text, we drive. 

No one is arguing that multitasking cannot be done simply that multitasking cannot be done pleasurably.

1. Doing 20% of our tasks gets us 80% productivity and yet we try to do everything at once.
2. We run on the beach, but don’t listen to the surf.  But there’s an app for ocean sounds.
3. We converse in between texting.
4. Email is like junk mail so why do we spend so much time with it while doing other things?

If life for you is a marathon to see how much you can do simultaneously then multitask away.

For more pleasure, watch Breaking Bad and do nothing else.  Pick the handful of things you must do today and focus on only doing them well.

Run without an ear bud in your ear.  You can listen to music after you’ve soaked up the high of great exercise.

Text away but not while you are conversing with another person.  Choose one.

Eliminate things that don’t need to be done at all (like most email) and simplify life.

Interesting that Millennials have discovered another gift – binge watching TV and movies.  I’m thinking this find was a necessary antidote for too much multitasking.

“Savoring is placing your attention on pleasure as it occurs” – Harvard’s “Positive Psychology”.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

I saw dramatic evidence when I was a professor at USC that students were often their own worst enemies.

They became stressed because they cared about achieving at a high level and wanted so much to be worthy of working well with others.

Most of us can agree with this statement:  when something goes wrong, who do we blame first?  You’ll find that person in the mirror.  We’re living in a stressful age where a little compassion for one’s self can go a long way.

We must sensitize ourselves to have compassion for our own suffering the way we automatically do when we see another person’s pain.

1. Everyone makes mistakes; we cannot be perfect we can only try.  The greatest baseball hitter of his generation, Ted Williams, hit .406 one season – a modern day record.  That means he failed 60% of the time.  It’s okay.
2. Nurture your pain.  Often people who are hurt strike out in anger making it worse.  Even the phrase “I’m hurting right now” is enough to be curative if we can only remember to say it.
3. Avoid judging yourself.  When you don’t like what you’ve done, you can always change it.  That positive thoughts help to bring about that change. Holding on to negative thoughts brings us more discouragement and unhappiness.

Dieters who are harsh with themselves when they go off their diets often eat more and gain more weight, but research shows that those who got off their own case (not let themselves off the hook), resumed losing weight.  No problem.

Trade your own worst enemy for your own best friend and the benefits can be immediate.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

There is overwhelming evidence that shows emphasizing a person’s positive strengths greatly increases their productivity.

Dale Carnegie always said, “don’t criticize, condemn or complain” but apparently modern workplaces never got that email.

Some 20,000 employees of 34 companies were polled in 2002 by the Corporate Leadership Council.

When performance reviews focused on what employees were doing right, it resulted in a 35% improvement in performance.  Talk about the magic formula for motivating a team.

But when these employee reviews dwelled on their weaknesses, a 27% decline in performance was documented.

Even more useful to anyone who manages even one other person:

• According to a 2005 study reported in The Journal of Organizational Behavior, employees of an electronics and appliance store found that for achievement-oriented workers the best motivation was offering challenging opportunities.
• For employees with a low need for achievement, their hot button was greater autonomy, more free time or more social opportunities with fellow workers. 

Now we have these new, proven strategies for increasing productivity of those who work for us.

Let’s give them a try.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

We all know that gratitude cures a multiple of sins.

But how do we become more grateful?

Researchers at Harvard and other universities discovered a fascinating way for people in long-term relationships to boost gratitude.

One group of participants were asked to spend 20 minutes writing about how they met their partner – all the details on how they wound up together.

A second group was asked to write about how the couple may never have met  — never have ended up with each other.

When I tried this I recalled that I met my wife when I called a temp agency in Cherry Hill, NJ to send me “the nicest person in the world” to handle my office while I took my entire staff on the road to do seminars.  It was only supposed to be a one-week job.  My wife had never used a temp agency in her life and neither did I.  Can you see where this is going?

I’m happy to share this secret backed by research that I have learned with you today.

To increase your gratitude in long-term relationships focus on not being with that person and you will achieve a new level of gratitude.

Let me know what happens when you do.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

If you do nothing, nothing will happen.

There it is.

All the books, motivational speakers and pep talks later and we discover this gem of wisdom.

Even the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray as poet Robert Burns said.

Sometimes it’s a wakeup call or a life changing experience that makes us realize that life is so finite.

At any point – even today – we can log back onto life as author Amit Sood puts it.

You are not your thoughts and have the power to redirect them as you see fit.

Sood says, “the present moment is not a means to an end, it is the end in itself”.

For those who don’t yet know what makes them happy, there here is a starter’s guide.

Focus on the power of gratitude, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness that helps to focus beyond yourself and the “black holes” that rob us on the happiness we can have.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

Just as in forgiving others we do ourselves the biggest favor when we focus on doing acts of kindness, we become the real beneficiaries.

Every day for a week, keep a list of acts of kindness you do for others.  You can keep this on paper or on your iPhone or Android as an ongoing note.

Every act counts, large or small – enter it and keep a tally.

At the end of the week evaluate whether your acts of kindness increased as the days went on.  How did others receive your kind actions and just as important, how did they make you feel.

Were you happier? 

Did your self-esteem improve? 

Were you more grateful?

Often, the meaningful improvements in our lives do not come from becoming someone you are not but rather establishing a habit of being the fine person you are.

Even thinking about an act of kindness changes us for the positive.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.    

A mate who throws their clothes on the floor may not have bothered you when you first met, but when it starts to become an issue, it is likely that the issue is more than just about clothes.

In radio, a good program director knows that there are 15 to 25 key things that must be done immediately to turn a station’s fate around.  No time to waste.  They do these things first and fast.

Once these things are implemented, the program directors then turn to the larger tasks of building a morning show, creating contests, doing outside promotion and finding ways to attract audiences from competitors.

Marriage is not much different than turning around a radio station.

Unfortunately, in relationships couples often play from a weak hand instead of a bounty of already established strengths.  They try to become what they are not instead of returning to what made the other person fall in love with them in the first place.  This can lead to relationship disaster.

A recent Wall Street Journal article called “Spouse, Change Thyself” seemed to me to be the wrong direction.  Trying to be what you are not is a dangerous way to build a lasting relationship.  Change can occur, but not as a prerequisite for continuing the relationship.

Both partners should make a list of all the things that they think their partner liked (or loved) about them when they first met and assure that they do these things as often as possible.  First and fast.

Real change focused on more difficult issues tend to be realized when both parties are displaying more of their best qualities rather than struggling to be something that they may never be.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

My father used to love to read obituaries.

Growing up, I thought it morose but he was fascinated by all the things he didn’t know about the departed.  And journalists will tell you obituaries are among the best researched and written pieces in any publication.

A great way to build a more meaningful life is to take inventory on where you’re at today.  If an obituary was written about you now when you don’t need it, what would it say?

Accomplishments, shortcomings, what effect did your life have on other people close to you and those who came in contact with you.

Then live on in good health.

Adjust your goals and reprioritize how you use your time to make your time on this earth more valuable and rewarding.

People on their deathbed often lament the things they wished they had done if they could live their lives over again.

By writing an obituary you don’t need now, you get that second chance tomorrow.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

Harvard Medical School’s work on positive psychology is turning up some valuable coping mechanisms for reducing stress.

Positive outlooks help smooth out the ups and downs in life thus making it less stressful.

Here is the compelling evidence:

1. Gratitude – A 2003 study of people with chronic illness showed that when they kept a three week daily gratitude journal along with a rating form, positive changes were reported by significant others close to them plus they benefited physically, slept longer and woke up more refreshed.
2. Strengths – By articulating strengths rather than weaknesses, respondents improved their self-esteem and their moods.  Mind you, all this happened by simply taking inventory of their five signature strengths.
3. Savoring Pleasure – When participants in a 2008 study of depressed persons in the Netherlands focused on positive reminiscences, they began to think of their futures in a more positive light.
4. Flow – When you’re fully engaged in activities, you are less like to ruminate about disturbing thoughts.
5. Meaning – In a study, heart attack patients who blamed their heart attacks on others were more likely to have a second heart attack within 8 years but those who found some benefit in their health crisis such as appreciating life more were less likely to have a recurrence.
6. Mindfulness – The skin legions of patients undergoing treatment for severe psoriasis cleared more rapidly when they listened to audiotapes of mindfulness intervention during treatment sessions.

I find myself turning to Positive Psychology from Harvard Medical School ($26) for many ways to harness the power of happiness, mindfulness and inner strength.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

Legendary college basketball coach John Wooden who won 10 national titles in 12 years at UCLA loved to win, but he never talked about it to his players.

Instead, Wooden just told them this:

Maximize your potential. 

That way, it took the pressure off them and gave them peace of mind when they reached their full potential.

The genius of this approach is that when we chase someone else’s dreams, we often come up short.  Of course Wooden had some great players on his teams (Lew Alcindor known now as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Bill Walton to name a few).  But Wooden also had a championship team with no player taller than 6’5”.

This is great advice for us.

Keep your mind off winning – just being better.

Never try to be better than anyone else just be the best that you can be. 

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

Morley Winograd and Michael Hais in their books about Millennials remind us that the reason Congress is so gridlocked in partisan politics is because the baby boomers who make up most of our elected representatives are an idealistic generation.

Their seminal moment was to be for the Vietnam War or against it and baby boomers seemed split down the middle on that issue.

They don’t tend to compromise and are not likely to start now even if they must lose their jobs as a result of sticking firmly to their views.

Millennials, some 95 million strong and coming of age, indicate what the future will be like.  

Find the common ground. 

The Millennial generation is more pragmatic and civic – let’s get something done.

Compromise has always been a winner in relationships, marriages and work with success going to those who can do it.

But increasingly compromising is not an option but a requirement.

We’re going to have to know how to find common ground and still hold our views – a skillset that is worth working on now.

One way to get started is to get a feeling for being more accommodating – look for opportunities to compromise on things.  See why the next generation embraces it so easily when it becomes a natural part of the way you think.

Look for opportunities to give more than you have to and you will begin to rehearse a major societal change that will be necessary in all human interaction.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

Time for some homework.

Try any (or all) of these people pleasers and see why you will feel good about yourself and those around you. 

1.  Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.  The best way to get someone to be interested in what you have to say is to be interested in what they have to say first.

2.  It’s not about you; it’s about them if you want people to like you.

3.  Compromise.  The unofficial definition of diplomacy is the fine art of letting other’s have your way. 

4.  The surprising reality is that most people care more about being heard than getting you to change your point of view.  Be a great listener. 

5.  Give back compliments when they are given to you.  You’ll hear more praise and appreciation when you hand a compliment back like a hot potato.

6.  A sincere compliment is one in which you not only tell the other person what you like about them but cite evidence or an example to give it meaning.  Everything else is just flattery which doesn’t go far.

7.  To be authentic, admit your frailties. Nothing makes a person look so good as when they admit mistakes and show their imperfections.  Yes, be human and show it.  It’s irresistible.

Most of the time we don’t need a course in human relations.  We just need to revisit treating others the way we like to be treated.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

There is a neighbor of mine who will be 90 years young this May. 

As she tells it, she lived in one house, raised a family, cared for a husband until his death for 61 years running.  She is in great health and doesn’t need to go to a “retirement” community, she just believes now is the time for the next phase of her life – at 90!

She is on my favorites list for a quick call to help me when I need a dose of gratitude.  Among her wise observations:  Nothing is perfect but I have no complaints.  I watched the snowstorm the other day from 5 stories above it – it was beautiful while it seems the media has us complaining about the storm.

Some people can’t get out of their own way – nothing seems to make them happy.  Not money, not power, not friends or family – nothing.

Life is filled with challenges and obstacles all along the way, but as happy people will tell you they can counter balance the ups and downs of life by granting themselves the permission to feel good.

Choose how you feel about what is happening to you.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

Before starting each new semester at USC I always reminded my students that they are paying several thousand dollars for the class they enrolled in.

Their parents paid for it, a scholarship covered it or most likely, they would be paying for this course with interest in the form of a student loan for much of their adult lives.

And yet, education is the only thing I can think of that people want the least of for their money (i.e., “Professor, how many classes can we miss?” or “Can we work online and not come to class?”).  We don’t tell a car dealer, “Can I leave out the air conditioning I already paid for?”

Long after you’ve taken most classes, you really don’t remember much about them.

Unless you have discovered the one thing, the big thing, that will bring you success.

We want to succeed, but we’re not always willing to practice.

An Olympian can’t hope for gold, silver or bronze without rehearsing specifically that which can lead to success.

Great golfers say don’t just practice, practice with a purpose.  Hitting tons of balls doesn’t make anyone better at golf.

Focus on becoming skilled at things that really matter.

To be a better salesperson, focus on one thing that will make you better and rehearse it constantly like an Olympic athlete.

If you want to be a better parent, choose one major quality that you want to possess and practice it over and over again.

Most of us have it the wrong way.

We don’t need to be all that smarter.  We just need to practice the right stuff.

Practice with a purpose to rehearse for success.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

Maybe you know someone with a handicap – a child, a friend or perhaps you have one yourself.

My father was a career military man, a major in The United States Army. 

His leg was amputated – not as a result of the war he fought in, but due to the ravages of coronary artery disease.

He lived a “normal” life for a handicapped person from then on doing almost everything he used to do and some things he never dreamed of. 

You heard of the one armed paperhanger?

Not too long after his rehabilitation this determined Italian man wallpapered an entire room on a stepladder without the aid of an assistant becoming a one legged paperhanger. 

There is an amazing TED video by Maysoon Zayid, the Palestinian immigrant who was born with Cerebral Palsy in my beloved home state of New Jersey.  It’s funny, touching and inspiring.  If you have the time you can see it here.

But at least forward to the end when Maysoon talks about being able to overcome just about anything from disease to discrimination – everything except the Internet later in her life.  In a world where some people with a bully mentality go to get mean, the Internet was Maysoon’s biggest concern as an adult.

We know too well that bullying in social media is killing young people these days.

The Internet is also a tool for good – to help others, encourage those needing a kind word, share information and experiences and to become a community.  We must never let the bullies take this great asset away or diminish it.

In golf, a handicap is an asset that allows everyone to play the game on an equal basis.

There is no greater handicap in life than to limit the potential of others because we cannot see their inner fire and determination.

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

Amazon boss Jeff Bezos used those words to describe – perhaps disingenuously – the plight of small book publishers who seemingly have no chance to compete against the giant Amazon.

That aside, complaining is not a strategy for anyone.

• Venting is good, obsessing about it not so useful or helpful.
• If you become less judgmental, you will likely complain less.
• Accept responsibility because it will either motivate you to fix your problem or let it go.
• The question to ask when you catch yourself getting ready to complain is would you like to complain or be happy.

I like what football coach Lou Holtz says:  “Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them”.

But you may remember Randy Pausch who famously lectured about life and death during the final days of the disease that claimed his life.  Pausch said, “Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.”

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources, go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

When you say, “I’m stressed” you might just as well be saying, “I am the reason I am stressed”.   Blaming circumstances or others doesn’t help as we find out over and over again.

We cannot be stressed without our own expressed permission.

Prioritize rather than multitask.

Take control over digital devices because they are wonderful tools until we let them dictate the flow of daily living.

It’s up to you to clamp down on time wasters – they will never do it voluntarily.

Drama kings and drama queens have no place in our happy lives unless we like the stress they try to bring to us.

Even big problems and/or emergencies are not stress producers.  It is the way we respond.  I chose the word respond not react.  Reacting to circumstances is stressful.  Responding is transformational.

Hurt, disappointment and heartbreak are feelings that it is okay to have but not to dwell on.

A good night’s sleep after a tough day is a stress buster. 

If you liked this piece, subscribe and share it with your friends.  If you want more resources go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.