Anxiety is an acquired habit.

We get it from those around us and from self-doubts within.

It has no limit so when we pile on more, it stresses us more.

And we can attract the anxiety of others just by hearing, seeing or experiencing their troubles.

There is no cure for anxiety overload that doesn’t go through you first.

The brain can be trained to differentiate between real issues that you need to deal with and those of others around you.

Preventing mental health breakdowns is not as important as having a plan of action ready for when they happen.

Every attempt to deal with anxiety, loneliness, loss of confidence, courage and burnout can be another step in preparing a plan of action for the next time.

Face it:  Anxiety isn’t going away any time soon.  But assembling the confidence to deal with its consequences is a more reliable life plan.

Dr. Marisa G. Franco in Platonic:  “Loneliness is more fatal than a poor diet or lack of exercise, as corrosive as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.  Friendship literally saves our lives”.

Even in the age of social media.

Still, it means taking the initiative, reaching out and doing the work.

When we like a social media post how well do we really know a “friends” life beyond “the published, polished version”.

Take action:  make small gestures (“I’m thinking of you”), a funny video, a Pinterest recipe, an encouraging voice note —  things that keep us connected in an “endearing” way.

I tell my students I love them – You should see their faces the first time I say it but in their course evaluations they feed the positives back (“the professor REALLY loves us”).

Friendships are more than a click, an emoji or a glib comment – it’s a bit more work and a little risk taking to share positive feelings, but it works well in the digital age.

I have a student who shared with her class that she is working on smiling more.

Significant because she almost always wears a facemask.

Her progress report:  I have smiled at many people and I don’t know if it made me look friendlier but it made me feel good.

Everything good starts within us.

Being perfect is not a place, it is a destination.

Perfect is an illusion.

Caring is a better goal.

Caring about doing our best, being our best and accepting our best is real.

Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez are both forces to be reckoned with and imperfect works in progress.

Both have had mental health issues that they have embraced and fought.

Female stars and for that matter most young people are dealing with the ravages of anxiety in very public ways.

The reason:  social media the home of setting unreachable expectations and fostering the expansion of bullying.

Emily Weinstein and Carrie James coined the term in their book Behind Their Screens: What Teens Are Facing (And Adults are Missing).

Via the New York Times: “They quote girls saying things such as, “On social media everyone seems like they are far better and far ahead than me, which is stressful and makes me feel behind, unwanted and stupid.”

And: “I scroll through my Instagram and see models with perfect bodies and I feel horrible about myself.” For teenagers who are susceptible to insecurity (and one wonders which ones aren’t), Weinstein and James write, “going on social media can activate the ‘dark spiral.’”

Being good enough is being real and accepting not shopping for the impossible as portrayed on social media.

A lot of my NYU students are celebrating Friendsgiving this year instead of Thanksgiving – a holiday adjustment originally conceived by millennials.

Still 80% according to surveys are going to the traditional family gathering, turkey on the table route.

There is a great interest in “chosen family” – people in our lives who are not genetically related but who have earned the right to be considered friend or ‘family’.

A move away from less traditional gatherings – even a totally different menu – would you believe pizza is one item (that sounds good to me!).

However it is celebrated, adding new meaning to an old holiday is often welcomed.

I’ve asked my students before the break to be a force of thanks to other people over the next few days.

To feel the power that they have to make friends and family feel appreciated and to not forget those who are struggling.

And that is thanksgiving no matter what you call it.

“I’ve gotten to the point where the label of ‘best friend’ is so ridiculous. If you have three people in your life that you can trust, you can consider yourself the luckiest person in the whole world.”  ― Selena Gomez

Mindfulness worked as well as the go to drug for treating anxiety in a recent study, 200 adults, six-months.

2½ hours of weekly classes and 45 minutes of home practice vs. Lexapro, a drug for depression and anxiety.

After two-months, anxiety declined 30% for both approaches on a severity scale.

In the U.S. anxiety disorders affect 40% of all women and 1 in 4 men.

Among the self-help tips:  ‘I’m having this thought, let that go for now”.

7 study members dropped out because of drug side-effects.

In the end, letting go is one alternative to sopping up the stress around us and can train the brain to change the relationship people have with their own thoughts.

Betting against yourself is a bad bet because as soon as you make it, you lose.

Never bet against you.

As Shakespeare said “assume a virtue if you have it not”.

Avoid negative thinking or people who expose you to it.

If you’re not worth believing in, imagine how others will feel about you.

You don’t have to look elsewhere to be better or happier, it’s all right inside of you.

Courage?

It just needs a wakeup call – no requirement to turn yourself inside out.

Anxiety?

Most stress comes from those around us – the ability to cope with anxiety is built in over years of growth – all it needs is a tug by you to kickstart it.

Confidence?

Interesting that all the books, courses and videos about confidence barely move the needle.  We’re already born with it – sometimes it gets beaten down so it’s up to us to activate it.

The power within is an awesome power to make life better by accepting the fine person you are.

How much stress is this worth to me?

Say that when anxiety builds.

Just asking the question will help you put things in perspective.

Last week I met Ryan Dusick, founding drummer of Maroon 5 whose career was upended by drug and alcohol addictions that became so bad that Adam Levine asked him to leave the group.

Dusick wrote a book that will be published within a month called “Harder to Breathe”about his journey.  He agreed to speak to my new “Stress-free Living & Working in the Music Industry” class this spring that promises to be a seminal moment for my budding, young music students.

Dusick wrote in a Variety article:  “We were in the middle of a four-year, global promotional campaign, during which we were instructed to ‘say yes to everything,’ and any breaks in our schedule quickly evaporated as our album blew up on a massive scale.”

“Just when it was time to enjoy the fruits of our labor, my body and mind gave out on me, and this breakdown proved devastating not only to my career but to the very fabric of my being.”

Dusick is now a licensed psychologist working in LA in a career he could not have anticipated but nevertheless appreciated.

Balance, care, prioritizing health over profits – the keys to this inspiring story.

I thought you might appreciate an update on how my NYU students are doing with their screens stowed and no digital connection.

Two-thirds through the semester, I don’t even have to remind them to put their phones, laptops and iPads away.

More students are taking notes with pen and paper – one doodles (I wonder if that’s me she’s drawing?).

Four have voluntarily thanked me in front of the class for asking them to put their phones away – helps them focus better, they say.

Class discussions are immersive – everyone involved.

This leads me to believe that the real lesson here is how to gain control over our digital devices instead of letting them lead us into a knee-jerk world of distractions.

As a Dale Carnegie instructor, I taught people that they didn’t have to be loud and boisterous to be an effective speaker.

In fact, it’s the other way around.

Nothing is more compelling than a soft voice full of passion for their subject.

Trying to be what you’re not is a formula for failure while channeling your authentic self is always the road to success.

The moment dictates what part of you to reveal.

The reason polls constantly show fear of speaking ranking higher than the fear of death is because speaking requires the confidence to be and sound like your authentic self.

Now is not the time to stop a panic attack.

Learning to live with them before they happen is.

People prone to anxiety overload (all of us) who cultivate the sense of being able to deal with panic are better served than those walking around harboring fear of the next one.

That opportunity will come soon enough but being ready with skills and coping techniques is more effective that waiting in fear.

“Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear” – Steve Maraboli

Louder is not a leader.

Leadership has nothing to do with volume.

The ability to inspire others to listen, to trust you and to join you comes from being comfortable in your own shoes.

A leader is recognized not by the volume with which they speak but the number of people who are addicted to being around someone grounded in gratitude, willing to share the burden as well as the success.

Question.

How much anxiety can be traced to you and how much coming from those around you.

You won’t be surprised that our brains are like sponges – we soak in the angst of others and carry it around as if it is our own.

Here is a research study that indeed proves stress is contagious, but most of us already have it.

Today:  wring out the sponge.

Whatever stress we are picking up from others, squeeze it out of your day and just cope with your own anxiety.

One of my students shared with the class that he decided to employ the famous Dale Carnegie principle “smile”.

So, he smiled at about six people and observed that most of them didn’t smile back.

When I asked him whether he felt any better for smiling, he launched into a two-minute response that proved the point that in life there are things we need to do for ourselves sometimes.

For example …

Smile to make US happier.

The same is true of forgiveness – we’re not doing it for the perpetrator, but for ourselves so that in overreacting we don’t become them.

The past is filed away in a cabinet or computer to be accessed when needed to give us information we may need but keeping that file open in the present is the road to unhappiness.

The future is a blueprint – a concept, an idea, a way of deciding what is important to pursue, but living in the future is the original virtual reality.

The present is currency to be spent now or lost later.  It’s the only place that life truly exists – the only place that brings happiness and gratitude at the same time.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” — Kierkegaard