Cave dwellers constantly feared for their lives.

The fight, flight or freeze response in cave dwellers saved their lives from the danger of predators but it gives modern folks panic attacks, anxiety and worry.

A chat could set it off, something on social media, even an email or something ostensibly less threatening like the fear of missing on something.

The 3 big obstacles:

1. Your brain feels others pain as your own.
2. For your brain, imaginary is real.
3. The brain can’t tell physical pain from emotional hurts – a broken heart and broken bone feel pain.

The 2-step solution:

1. Your greatest joys come from seeing strangers as friends, that’s how the brain becomes happier.
2. Help others feel safe and cherished and you will receive the same benefit.

Feeling safe and worthy becomes happiness.

The pursuit of gratitude and compassion provides more happiness than the pursuit of happiness itself.

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Fear is useless.

What is necessary is trust.

In ourselves.

To support each other.

To trust that things will get better.

Fear cannot exist where trust prevails.

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On the publication of her book The Beauty of Living Twice, actress Sharon Stone who survived death in 2001 said this in a recent New York Times interview:

“I’ve let go of all the reasons why I cannot work.  I think 40 years of too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too blond, too brown, too young, too old.  Too this, too that.  I’m not really interested in the why-you-can’t-return-my-call of it anymore.  So, if a director wants me, specifically, they’ll be able to find me.”

Deal with it and move on. 

Not just deal with it and keep on obsessing over conflicts, hurts and problems that then never seem to go away.

Move on – put it to rest, leave it behind, spend no more of your valuable time on the same issue.

I was on a plane to the coast one time with Jan Murray and Joey Bishop, two old school comedians.

It was a six-hour flight – they kept the young flight attendant laughing on the empty wide-bodied L1011.  She likely never heard of them until then.

It is said that comedians have to keep people laughing to keep from crying.  That their need to be the source of laughter covers up other problems.

As a child I was so shy (those who know me today, stop that laughter), that my school called my parents in for a sit down and said you’ve got to get this boy into a theater group which I hated.

And here I am today – still shy in many ways but perfectly skilled in standing in front of a TV camera, before a microphone or an audience.

Being shy has made me more outgoing and learning to be outgoing has made me appreciate the many advantages of being shy.

Both are possible.

Friendship happens.

It thrives in an atmosphere of encouragement.

It is heightened by discovery – finding new things you have in common.

Friendship is audio-friendly – the sound of a voice is more powerful than 1,000 emojis.

We’ll binge on Netflix, listen to podcasts, bury ourselves in social media but the investment that pays off in friendship is to pick up the phone and be yourself.

Resilience is the mental ability to expect good but to accept when things go wrong as a challenge to determine the single most important thing of all.

How badly do you want it?

Thomas Edison really wanted to invent the light bulb since he failed over 10,000 times trying.

And 43-year-old quarterback Tom Brady wanted yet another Super Bowl ring so badly he talked Gronk into coming out of retirement to help him.

Resilience is the ability to recover from difficulties and it is a byproduct of getting up when you’re down because you want it that badly.

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Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon is reviled and admired – sometimes at the same time.

But he didn’t succeed by being stupid.

“Nobody likes to fail… failure, even when you know it’s important and good, it’s embarrassing. It doesn’t feel good. We’re all human. We had a good idea. We thought it was a good idea, and nobody came to the party. That happens. And here’s the great thing, though. One success, one winner can pay for dozens and dozens of failures.” 

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Love not hate.

Diversity not homogeneousness.

Compassion not antipathy.

Reconciliation not conflict.

Kindness not harshness.

Healing not hurtful.

These are just words until they are activated.

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Do you ever notice how often the word “never” comes up in conversations?

There is a way to change the meaning of never to …

“Always” – “I never send thank you notes” to “I always try”

“Maybe I might” – “I never started my own business” could be “maybe I might”.

“Just this once” – “I always text, never call” might sound like “just this once I will call”

“For you” – “I never walk in fund raisers but I’ll give money instead” becomes “For you, I’ll do it”.

Never is an adverb that can be changed into a positive action word.

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At universities across the country students who’ve just completed their courses are asked to rate the course and the professor.

What rating would you get if your family rated you?

Or your spouse or partner?

How about employees or associates?  Even children.

Not every assessment is correct or even accurate but over time a trend begins to form.

We don’t need a survey form to start getting the advantages, there is an easier way.

Interact with people as if they could rate every contact with you.

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Like a lot of kids, my family was hit with a lot of problems – my dad had a massive heart attack weeks before I started first grade, we were all thrown into turmoil.

I felt I had all I could do to keep up and as a result I learn early on that gnawing feeling of not being good enough – struggling in school, with confidence, socially.

But what a gift it turned out to be.

Every insult was fuel to create a burning desire, one I have had all my life and still have to this moment.

Being underestimated can have the reverse effect to teach us how badly we want something and how to keeping going until we get it.

Those with high expectations may even have greater problems than the underestimated except the hidden gift is to learn how to believe in yourself even when others don’t.

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When I was in high school phys ed class, the captains chose their teams usually by picking their friends first – not how well they played baseball.

Life isn’t that much different.

If 5 candidates for the job you want next were in a lineup and you had to pick one, would you choose yourself?

If you were one of the people competing for the affections of another, would it be you?

If you have a lot of friends but too few who are special, would you choose each one out of a lineup of potentials to be your friend again or did you establish relationships because you lived close by, went to school together or worked in the same company or industry?

In life, being qualified is the ticket for success.

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Here are the 7 regrets of those who are in hospice and looking back on their lives:

1. “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me”
2. “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard”
3. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings”
4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends”
5. “I wish that I had let myself be happier”
6. “I wish I had followed my dreams”
7. “I wish I had lived up to my full potential”

These are the top life’s regrets of those in palliative care as outlined by Bronnie Ware in 2012 and similar studies.

I don’t know about you, but this is the ultimate to-do list to put on the refrigerator and start working.

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Pick a number and feel immediate gratitude.

How many years before your son or daughter graduate from high school – you’ll be more likely to see the problems surrounding growing up differently.

How many more holidays will you have with your parents?  Nothing helps focus on what you have in common instead of conducting petty disagreements over things that in the end don’t matter.

The presence of time as a factor in our lives is an immediate way to get right to gratitude.

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The Mayo Clinic physician and author Dr. Amit Sood has a great way of improving his home life that I’d like to share with you.

It’s the 2-minute rule to a happier family life.

When you arrive home from work (or end your day if you work at home), check your emails and texts away from your family (in the garage if you are driving) one final time before greeting your spouse and children.

Give 2 minutes of focused attention to each family member when you greet them – two minutes because that’s the amount of time research shows we have to capture a person’s attention before they block us out.

Ask open-ended questions (“how was your day”, “what made you happy today”) and give them as much time as they need.

We can complain about being locked down or overwhelmed by the sheer amount of our digital communications or we can handle it and learn to deal with those we love by applying this 2-minute rule to get off to a good start.

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Almost every family has experience with panic attacks because life is such that they are very prevalent now.

I’m not particularly prone to them personally but not immune from them either.

I was flying from Philadelphia to Las Vegas for a broadcasting convention and ate something that I was apparently allergic to (in the salad dressing) that caused my heart to beat rapidly and my face to turn red – 35,000 feet above land.

There are many causes for panic – too many to go into here – but there are a few things that seem to help.

Just the thought that you will get through the episode helps.

Changing thoughts from fear to thinking about others relieves some distress.

“I will not die” is helpful. 

Deep breathing, relaxation and thinking about other times you’ve dealt with panic sets the stage for recovery.

The physical threats of the cave dwellers trying to avoid being eaten by an animal predator have been replaced by chronic psychological worries and hurts that are multiplied by our constantly in touch lifestyle.

The brain can be rewired to respond to panic by bypassing anxiety for resilience – and it works.

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Wayne Gretzky was the greatest hockey player ever.

His father, Walter Gretzky who died within the past month, wanted to be good enough to play at the pro level but he could never make a career of it and spent his efforts coaching the player who would be known as “The Great One”.

But his superstar son was a lousy NHL coach when his playing days were over – Dad seemed to have the better skills there.

The funny thing about our dreams is that we should always have but not limit them.

Had Walter Gretzky hung up his skates there may have been no Great One.

And had Wayne Gretzky fancied himself as a coach because he was a great player, he might still be looking for his first Stanley Cup if not his first winning season.

Dreams cannot be managed – they are like radar showing you the best opportunities.

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Golf magazine has a great motto, “Life, Well Played”.

If you had a motto, what would it be?

John Doe, always consistent?

Karen Smith, reliable and resourceful?

What words sum up your best advantages?

Coming up with positive descriptors is more difficult than the negative thoughts that seem to flow so easily into our minds.

John Doe, difficult to get along with.

Karen Smith, stubborn.

The trick is to know which words best describe the best you and repeat them as a mantra over and over again in your head to build legitimate self-respect.

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No one gets to choose their own cards.

Even solitaire players have to play them as they are dealt.

This is helpful in understanding adversity because no one is able to avoid adversity and just deal themselves good luck – you have to play with what you get.

Card players can complain, but it does no good – they can fold them but they are admitting defeat or they can hold them and use their skills to manage what they are dealt.

Being lucky is good.

Being resourceful is better.

In life you don’t often get to choose your own cards.

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