Advertisers now have research that shows Millennial buyers will give them only 6 seconds to connect and make their point.

The same world that gives us this very short attention span also impacts interpersonal relationships.

To communicate, we have 6 seconds.

6 seconds to say I missed you 

To ask for cooperation

To appreciate someone (and that includes the evidence to back up the compliment)

Only 6 seconds to teach

To share concern 

To say I’m sorry

In a way, less time is better.

It makes us think about what we intend to do and what we would like to say.

If you’re planning to participate in this world as fast paced as it is becoming, try getting to the point in the first 6 seconds to be a more effective communicator.

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Cancer patients often fear the next round of tests concerned about whether their disease has reoccurred.

Recovering addicts live one day at a time hoping and praying that they can stay away from that which they are addicted to.

Deep-seated concern for losing a job and the economic plight that it would cause is something almost everyone has gone through.

Even though 99% of what we fear will never happen, it doesn’t mean that fear is not real.

The remedy comes from a cardiologist who told his post-surgery patient concerned about the future to “Go out and live your life.  There are people who want to be you”.

To balance fears, become proactive about life in the present.

Fear is passive.

Living life is the proactive remedy.

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Remember their state slogan?

Virginia is for lovers.

Not haters.

When the world gets more evil, it helps to remember the first responders – the helpers.  The people who, like the police officers killed over the weekend in a helicopter crash trying to deal with the Charlottesville mayhem, are willing to die to protect others.

Let the cable news channels, Twitter and social media debate the politics.

Even in hate there is still love all around.

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We choose content on Netflix and then drill down and binge until we’re finished.

We don’t like it when we have to wait for TV shows week after week.

What if we lived life like we enjoy Netflix?

Made a decision every day before we left the house as to what our main goal was so that we could be certain to know it and accomplish it.

And then drill down to get more of that accomplishment the same day instead of making it a dream for some other day.

Most of us just try to deal with life, its problems, challenges and emergencies.

But making a decision at the top of the day as to the one thing that would make you feel fulfilled if you accomplished it is taking your life back into your own hands.

Binge on accomplishments large and small.

Don’t wait for a future day to experience it again.

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There is a difference between self-confidence and a strong personality.

Strong personalities are magnets for people with low self-esteem.

They augment what’s missing in less confident people so much so that at first it is like euphoria to find what’s absent.

The danger is that weaker personalities can become co-dependent to the stronger person and after a while feel smothered and inconsequential.

Still, it isn’t easy separating from a person who may come on so strong as to eclipse your true desires as they get lost in this battle of wills.

A quiet person can be very confident.

A loud, vivacious person can totally lack self-esteem and make up for it in their minds by being louder and bigger.

The strength that we want is inner strength.

Inner strength does not necessarily have a face or personality.  But it’s the confidence of knowing that …

You can handle it

You can do it

You can solve it

And you can work it out

Less confident people are attracted to strong willed people and they pay for it by becoming dependent on their strength at the expense of their free will.

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Only a fool believes that everything winds up being about them.

Entitled people are not happy people.  They suck the life out of those around them to win attention.  Social media is the tool for entitlement because it can spread a person’s narrative at a quick tap to hundreds and even thousands of people.

We are entitled to nothing.

Earning a PhD does not guarantee a great job or happiness.

Being athletic in youth does not entitle you to immunity from hip replacements later. 

A great partner does not assure a great marriage or even relationship.

A good break doesn’t mean we will be able to reap the benefits.

What if we made it about the other person?

The client was always right.

Our friends get to ramble on without us matching every story.

Where we spend the entirety of our day focused on others and not ourselves.

Focusing on others ahead of ourselves always brings success and happiness.

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We celebrate birthdays once a year but most never spend even an hour let alone a day to celebrate their self-worth.

How are you valued and who values you the most?

What are your absolute best top two personality traits? 

Who would call you if they were in a dire emergency? 

Do you spend an equal amount of time giving yourself credit for that which you do that is good to balance out being too self-critical?

Quickly, name 5 values you live your life by.

What do you like about yourself the most. 

The best part about a Happy Worthday is that you don’t get older; you get smarter.

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Don’t talk.

Avoid “me to” comparisons after others speak.

From time to time repeat back what you are hearing and you will amaze the person speaking because that rarely if ever happens. 

Ask questions and listen for the answers.

You win more friends by listening to others and not talking.

And amazingly, many (not all) of those lucky enough to have caught your ear, will eventually come back and return the favor to ask about you in a similar way.

Anyone can become a better listener if that is a strong enough goal and here is why it should be.

Listening is nine-tenths of communication.

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Bill Belichick, the New England Patriot’s head coach, won 5 Super Bowls and has appeared in seven.

He was a D list player who had more talent analyzing the game thanks to studying his football coach father than native talent to play the game.

Scott Bowman won a record 9 Stanley Cups in the NHL as a coach and an additional 5 as a member of a club’s front office. 

Nobody talks about Bowman’s playing career because it was uneventful especially compared to his talent as a coach. 

Wayne Gretzky is known as “The Great One”, arguably the best hockey player ever but did you know he was a hockey coach for the Phoenix Coyotes?  A lousy one if you go by his record and relatively short tenure. 

Being great does not mean only being great at what you’ve learned to do on this earth. 

We overlook the things that make us special because even we do not recognize that our talent does not stop with the obvious.

I’ve known broadcasters who have become outstanding professors.

Entertainers who have become savvy business entrepreneurs.

People who barely make enough to live with very happy families without the “benefit” of being born into money. 

What’s great in us is not necessarily obvious.

It’s a gift we have that comes from a hidden passion for something that may even be unrelated.

The thing we love to do the most may not be our best talent but may be our best inspiration. 

Too much time is spent looking for happiness and success where it appears to be obvious.

Look within for greatness where you’ve spent a lifetime chasing your passion.

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Why is that so hard?

Well, some people were raised that way.

They didn’t get credit for what they did well either.

Others are jealous and it feels weak to tell others how good they are or how well they did without also making it about them.

And some think if they give you kudos (especially in front of others), it belittles them.

If you think of the person in this world you like the most, she or he probably passes out credit to others even at the expense of themselves.  It’s one of the reasons you are drawn to them.

We have no shortage of ability to recognize others.

People crave those who recognize their accomplishments and efforts.

Crediting others is a prime form of giving without spending a dime and it makes us feel good about ourselves.

Think of the latent ability you have right now to recognize others without having to make it about you, and you have the equivalent of a masters degree in human relations.

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There is appropriate anger and inappropriate anger.

Expressing outrage in a non-aggressive way is therapeutic and also informative to the other person.

Often, it’s inappropriate anger such as mirroring the same behavior and hurt to others that we are feeling that gets us nowhere.

Anger can be a great motivator.

When someone gets the promotion you deserve, defang your anger so that it motivates not hobbles you. 

When someone you love chooses another, hurt and anger can be rechanneled to practice loving yourself more completely until the person meant for you comes along.

If someone bullies you, don’t become a bully copycat.  Use that awful feeling to become a stronger person with more self-love.

Being the target of anger does not mean taking abuse of any kind.

Set clear boundaries and enforce them every time.

But the things that make us angry can also be great gifts if we see them in a different light and use our anger to overcome the hurt.

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Show gratitude, yes.

Be thankful, of course.

But be an appreciator and you will inspire others in a meaningful way.

Thank you for doing such a good job (and then provide specific evidence).

Be present when others are doing something special (don’t be quick to leave).

Shout out on social media to tell their world and yours.

If employers and bosses were appreciators, it would cost them $0 to highly motivate their team.

If you’re on a team, an appreciator helps smooth over lapses by employers who take people for granted.

Don’t forget home where spouses, partners, loved ones and children come to life when you become one of the few people in it that actively appreciates them as an individual.

These are 3 ways above to begin right now.

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We love dessert, but we can’t eat it all day long.

Our phones are our lifeblood, but they also kill relationships, cause distractions and negatively affect our lives.

1. Turn off mail and social media at a time you are comfortable with every day (the French don’t do business email after work, it’s the law in France).
2. Strictly limit social media – it is the black hole of our digital lives. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and other social networks are hard to pull out of once you start scrolling.
3. Spend as much time face-to-face with friends as you do with email, texting or social media otherwise your friendships will be compromised.
4. Put your phone away. Parents often use their children as an excuse to put their phones on the dinner table. The phone is a tool and not a lifestyle. (Before iPhones only ten years ago, parents would leave contact numbers with sitters and did not check in with them during the evening.  That system still works).
5. Spend at least one hour a day away from your phone. Yes, you will survive.

Augmented reality and virtual reality are on the way with a new generation of phones coming soon to further divert us from the here and now.

Because the phone is like a dopamine pump in which we have so many ways to check it, swipe it or touch it to get a jolt, it’s time to take serious steps toward keeping these great devices for the advances they bring and not the relationships that they are increasingly killing.

It’s in our hands.

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In sports, when a team and a player disagree on what the salary should be, they often submit their problem to a third-party arbitrator.

Arbitrators take a non-prejudicial look at how the athlete in question compares to others with similar performance markers – statistics.

Often teams avoid binding arbitration in which they must accept the arbitrator’s salary recommendation by doing the same thing – comparing performance markers.

So why don’t we as individuals compare our strengths to others?

Why do we tend to believe the criticism of other people who perhaps may be jealous and accept their conclusion as to what we are worth?

This applies to seeking a salary for a new job or asking for a raise.

But it also applies to non-monetary things.  For example:

• How dependable are you compared to others you know?
• How hard do you work toward your goals?
• How well do you get along with others?
• How trustworthy are you?
• What kind of a listener are you?

It’s one thing to adopt a pep-talk mentality to boost a sense of worth, but nothing succeeds like comparing real traits with those of others to establish a meaningful feeling of self-confidence.

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Is this you?

Seemingly caring more about things and people than perhaps those around you.

People who care about others have a special gift but also a vulnerability.

Some people cannot return the feeling and others may see it as weakness.

The best policy is always try to be the person you want to be.

Start each day with a blank canvas and use your gifts and talents to create the best, different day you can come up with.

As far as people who care too much, we must also be people who care a lot about ourselves.

Do we have healthy boundaries?

Do we tolerate abuse from others?

Caring too much is a wonderful attribute if it also applies to how you feel about yourself.

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What comes first – happiness or success?

Psychologists’ offices are filled with successful people who are not happy.

Happiness is a goal unto itself.

Once happiness is accomplished, success follows.

It rarely if ever works the other way around.

Being happy requires the type of commitment that most “successful” people seem willing to make to their careers.  The sacrifice.  The hours.  The frustrations.  And postponed gratification.

What makes you happy?

How much of your day is devoted to things that don’t contribute to your happiness?

Once you have a better idea of the types of things – major or simple – that bring you happiness, then you are likely to also be on the road to success in other areas of your life.

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If dreams alone counted, everyone would be a success.

But dreams and schemes that do not have a plan do not have a chance.

Study effective people and you find that they have an innate ability to take their desires and put together a plan of action.

Talk to them and find out that often that plan changes – sometimes in the middle of being enacted but they always start with a plan.

What gets done first?

What does it look like?

What steps must follow?

Who will help?

What resources are needed?

Big dreamers who get to realize their dreams are also big planners.

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We wouldn’t start playing a softball game by first saying “I probably won’t win”.

That’s the wrong message.

We’d probably say “we’re going to win” or “we’re going to have fun” or simply “play ball” and see what happens.

When preparing a presentation, how often have you heard “I hate to speak to groups”? Just how well do you think that will go?

The way we talk to ourselves is even more important than the way others speak to us.

Too often we send messages of impending failure.

From now on at the very least, buck yourself up. Say something promising.

I will do my best to make this talk valuable.

I will have fun with the person I am meeting for the first time at dinner by being me 100% and not someone else.

Talk yourself up, don’t run yourself down.

And don’t look for someone else to do this.

It’s your job and the road to success.

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There is no end to evidence that people are burying their faces in their phones and altering the course of their happiness.

At dinner with one of my readers recently, he shared that he was pulling out his phone just to show me pictures not to check his messages.  “I know you don’t like phones at dinner”.

I’ll take it.

All of us can establish the ground rules that we want to live by simply by living them.

When someone pulls out their phone while they are talking to you, stop talking.

If they say “I can multitask”, say nothing until you get their attention back.

If they leave their phone on the table or hold it in their hand, you can’t make them stop, but you don’t have to participate in and encourage more distraction.

I saw a woman sitting with three couples at dinner remove her phone from the table and put in on the bench seat she was in checking it every so often to check messages and even to respond while her companions talked.

We can’t control others’ addiction to their distracting devices but by example, we can get them to pay attention by the way we act.

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Achievers don’t care if they fail.  In fact, they expect more failing than succeeding.

If you go fishing and expect every hook with bait to net you a catch, you’d soon give up fishing.

Self-doubt is created by harboring exceedingly high expectations for ourselves that have little chance of being met.

Jeff Bezos didn’t build Amazon into the amazon that it is by expecting everything he did to succeed.

Google has failed many more times than it succeeded, but when it succeeded, it was big.

Here’s what to build confidence on.

Bet on your ability to keep trying and never quit.  To not expect results every time you do something.

Replace self-doubt with self-assurance that comes from knowing that if it’s worth having, it’s worth pursuing until you get it.

Never doubt yourself ever again.  Why bet against you?

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