1. Ask yourself what will happen if you let it go? Will you die?  Will you starve?  Will you be lonely?  Will you be scared?  This is the most empowering.
2. Choose the biggest burden first. Get the greatest relief by choosing the huge weight on your shoulders that is ruining your life and let it go.  It may be a relationship, a job, or a feeling such as lack of self-confidence.
3. Look forward, not back from then on. Second-guessing is a guaranteed road to failure.  Own your decision to let go of something or someone that is causing your life great anxiety.
4. Feel the control that comes from letting go.  Think of this.  We make fun of control freaks – and sometimes we are those freaks.  The moment you let go of what you are trying so hard to control, feel the immediate relief.

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Everyone goes through depression at some point in their lives.  Others battle it more personally, more often.

In recent years more anti-depressants have been written by doctors for more patients than ever before while depression in all of us continues to rise.

More pills, but more depression.

We get happy when we get off of issues that make us unhappy.

By focusing on other things and other people.

And the secret weapon for depression is not always a form of medication because we know medications change and often have to be increased.

The secret weapon is learning to cultivate the feeling of gratitude.

You almost can’t be depressed while you are being grateful to someone else or for something else.

My friend, Wynn Etter, a Dale Carnegie sponsor and exemplar of good human relations, fought cancer until his death without allowing himself to focus thoughts on his illness.

If you asked him about his condition, he would answer it in a few words and then throw the conversation back to you.

He had every right to be down in the dumps over his worsening condition but all his many friends could ever think of was how he lifted the rest of us up – even when he felt bad.

Another prescription for the depression that occurs in life is to focus on that which you are grateful for and to those to whom keep you uplifted by their friendship.

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One goal.

Only one.

One that would change your life for the better.

If someone gave you 365 days to accomplish most goals, you would jump at it and that’s what is better than a New Year’s resolution.

Wonder why gyms and health clubs do their biggest business in January and then the majority of new members disappear by June?

Or why building a better relationship with a family member or friend doesn’t usually last until the next insult?

One goal – the thing that would make a significant difference in your life is worth 365 days of intense focus.

Meet someone special.

Grieve a loss and go on with life (with that person in your mind and by your side).

Quit smoking?  If it’s your one goal and you’ve got 365 days to do it, you likely will.

If we set but one goal a year and made it our focus for 365 days, that’s 5 significant changes in five years, ten in ten years.

Not failure.

Not disappointment.

So if you want to lose weight, enjoy life to the fullest, spend less and save more or spend more time with your friends, the key to change is to choose the one that will inspire you to devote 365 days in a row to achieve it.

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You would think that playing the iconic Princess Leia in Star Wars would be enough to mark a lifetime in the public eye, but Carrie Fisher went at least one further.

Fisher was among the first A level stars to talk intelligently about mental disorders including her own bipolar condition, a mood disorder characterized by highs and lows, depression and unusually high energy.

“It’s kind of a virus of the brain that makes you go very fast or very sad.  Or both.  Those are fun days.  So judgment isn’t like, one of my big good things.  But I have a good voice.  I can write well.  I’m not a good bicycle rider.  So just like anybody else, only louder and faster and sleeps more.  Oh manic depression … how I love you”.

She half-jokingly came up with the idea of Bipolar Pride Day.

Life is not perfect.

We are not perfect.

As hard as we try all of us are subject to forces and conditions not of our choosing, but the one thing that we can control is the way we choose to look at these challenges.

To see the good.

To show appreciation.

To have a sense of humor about ourselves and the human condition that we all share in some way or the other.

That’s why the loss of Carrie Fisher before the holidays was so meaningful.

In a world craving authenticity, the Start Wars fantasy actress was so real.

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Most of us react instead of respond to other people, their ideas and thoughts.

Reacting is knee-jerk, top of mind living that gets us into trouble.

All that is necessary to respond and offer truer feelings is 30 seconds.

30 of the most difficult seconds we could ever suffer through.

Resisting the temptation to jump in and answer when we need the other 29 seconds to think about what we just heard first.

Holding back emotions until we have spent at least 30 seconds getting in touch with those emotions and how to frame them.

My wife and I play a game based around the 30-second rule.

When I jump in and react, I can be reminded that I still had 29.5 seconds left to think about what I was feeling.

When one of us comes up with an idea and we have 20 seconds left, we warn “the first idea could be the worst idea”, a reminder that living in a fast paced world is not necessarily beneficial.

The good news is that it is entirely possible to change the way we positively relate to people and to get to know ourselves better.

Take the full 30 seconds and see if it doesn’t make a difference for you.

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This is the year when cybershopping has really taken off.

You can see more, buy more – often for less – without leaving your screen.

In theory, we have more tools to come up with the perfect gift for those we care about.

The perfect gift is not necessarily something tangible.

It is the gift of your time which, at holiday time, seems like very little left to offer to someone else.

The price is right.

The results beat anything money can buy.

1. A day without screens with your children. In one day, see the magic that occurs when phones, computers and gaming is turned off.  The ultimate gift of rediscovery.

2. No movies for kids in the car. You can’t be serious?  Yes, no child will ever remember the movie she or he watched on the trip to grandma’s for holiday 2016 but they will remember the number of license plates the family saw out the window during their time together.  The gift of parenting with a purpose.

3. Let someone else have YOUR way.  When the choice could be yours, give it up to someone else.  Give someone else the gift of choice and feel what real empowerment is.

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To gain control, you do the opposite – give up control.

When rushing and making mistakes, slow down, do less and get fewer things right.

To feel less stressed, offer more of your time to those around you.

Getting the mind off of you is a secret weapon for dealing with grief, depression and disappointment.

Making other people your 100% focus lifts that which ails us including the stress of everyday living.

Ironically, when we spend more time helping others, we feel less stressed.

No pill, no form of therapy and no spa day even comes close.

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To stop being addicted to people who are not good for us, stop romanticizing them.

A friend who broke up with a longtime companion is distraught but there were problems all along that led to the eventual split.  To forget the problems and romanticize what is missed is a sure ticket to lots of enduring misery.

I once heard a motivational speaker say to break from an addiction to someone, see them as ugly not beautiful.

Their behavior – how it is ugly.

Their temperament – why it was problematic.

Their commitment to you – how was it lacking.

Another powerful way to overcome a relationship we get stuck on – and it happens to everyone – is to say the following.

There is someone waiting to meet me, appreciate me and have a life together.

Positive predictive self-talk like that precedes the arrival of such a person in your life.

It happened to me when my wife walked in because after reminding myself such a person was coming into my life; I was actually expecting her.

Become addicted to self-respect and positive dreams of that which you deserve.

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1.  Also emphasize the gain. The years you spent with your loved one before they passed. Things you have learned from them. Magic moments. The good times with a friend before you broke up.
2. Keep great memories alive. Pictures, routines, special moments. I remember my mother every time I touch garlic – after all, an Italian mom cooks everything with garlic and this branch didn’t fall far from the tree.
3. Find a quality in the person you lost and make it live on through you. If she was the type who never complained, adopt her good quality and try to make it live through your daily actions. That’s a powerful way for the departed to live on.
4. Recognize that there are powerful losses other than death. Divorce is one. Being separated from your children. Another broken relationship that you had high hopes for. The career that hit a bump in the road – after all, many of us identify ourselves by the work we do instead of the things we stand for.

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Things usually get ugly when we react rather than respond.

Reacting, which happens quickly and without much thought, usually leads to hurt feelings and things being said that we will regret later.

Responding is what people do when they want to think first and speak second.

Reacting:

“How dare you say I am selfish, YOU’RE the one who is selfish”. 

It doesn’t really matter at this point if there is any truth to the claim because the damage is done and we’re off to the races.

But responding is the better move.

“I’ve never seen myself as selfish”. 

Not accusing the other of the same thing of which they are accusing you.

The difference between responding and reacting is about 30 seconds.

Let comments – even and especially inflammatory remarks – slosh around in your brain for a half a minute.  You may be surprised to see how superior your brain works when given a few precious seconds.

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