As I have said previously the first few years of life pretty much govern a person’s adult years that follow.

In other words, we are often set in our ways as young children.

So why is it that psychologists and psychiatrist’s offices are packed with patients who often have long-term and very expensive relationships in an effort to change?

If the conundrum is we are predisposed to our behavior good or bad as children, how can we change and grow in a meaningful way as adults?

The answer is choice.

People who bring about change make choices – lots of them every day and sometimes on the very same topics.

One friend of mine has been on the wagon for decades – a choice he made every minute of every day.  And I know another person who succumbed to the disease and lost her life relatively young.

Others come from dysfunctional families (they say all families are dysfunctional more or less) where they have to battle with hurtful things from their families of origin every day of their lives.

The power of choice is that we can will change in real time by saying “for the rest of this day I will choose to  …”.   It has a time stamp on it – good for a short period of time that will have to be renewed again and again.

Mother Teresa became a saint in the Catholic Church but what I discovered in researching my book was that she did not always have faith because there were days she couldn’t believe in a God that would allow the awful conditions that affected the Lepers she served.

Mother Teresa made a choice to believe.

For the rest of us, wanting to change is nice but it is not enough.

Making choices in real time day after day – that’s change you can really count on.

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What’s better than love?

Nancy Reagan died recently and regardless of whatever political differences we may have, her relation with Ronald Reagan has been called a love story.

In one tribute I saw, a video tape of President Reagan at the end of his second term with his wife by his side talking about his love for her.  This was in that all too short period before he learned he had Alzheimer’s disease so he remained convincing and eloquent on this topic.

But the most striking thing about this public profession of love was Ronald Reagan’s advice to others that in essence loving a person is not enough.

Telling that person that you love them is even more important.

Some people are uncomfortable with public displays of love that came easy to Ronald Reagan but there are so many other ways to say “I love you” and they all count.

Actions speak as loud as words.

For a crash course in expressing love, just consult the dog or cat closest to you.  When it comes to pets, even folks who can get hung up on the right words can show their love through thoughtful actions.

In a world that is increasingly being characterized by haters on social media, it is comforting to know that we are all really experts at saying “I love you” in ways that make a difference.

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The reason many people leave their jobs voluntarily is to seek a job that pays better.

Of course, they want more opportunity, more appreciation and the chance to advance but what they usually settle for is the added money.

Survey after survey shows that compensation does not rank first among the things that are important to workers. In fact, it doesn’t even rank second or third although it is considered important.

Often the next job isn’t really the one you want. It’s the one after that.

So, how to shorten the process?

1. What is your end game? This is the question that should be answered first. If your goal is to run a marketing department, is the job that you are being offered that job?
2. Are you looking in the right field or is the job you really want in another area less familiar to you? Experience transfers from industry to industry so don’t shortchange yourself.
3. Are you sure your next job is not tantamount to your current job but with more pay and benefits? If it is, your job search will likely renew shortly.
4. Try to resist saying you are looking for a family friendly job because what the family really wants is you to be happy.
5. Less money for a job with more future is better than more money in a job that doesn’t have growth potential.
6. Do your homework to see why the person in the job you are considering left. This is the most important recognition you can do.

Too frequently the best job is not the one you’re now considering but the one after that if only because you’re not yet convinced that major change is what you’re seeking.

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My USC students seemed to always want to know the answer to this question – how long is it prudent to pursue your dreams.   When must you be more practical?

I always answered the question backwards.

Describe for me a person who for one reason or the other stop pursing their dreams and accepted that they were out of reach and I will describe a person who will have an empty feeling in them for the rest of their lives.

My answer:  never stop pursing your dreams.

I make that a personal practice of mine and I’m a teacher not a student.

There are all sorts of ways to be practical (i.e., earn a stable living, etc.) that do not require abandoning the one thing that lights your fire.

Without dreams our lives are so ordinary.

With dreams, they can be extraordinary.

“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them”  – Walt Disney

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The gift that everyone wants from you is the gift of your time.

It costs you nothing – no financial expenditure is required of us and yet people don’t just want your time, they crave it.

For children – Be present in the now.  It’s not the hours together, it’s the time you spend 100% present with them.

For older parents – Be there for them – again, by removing distractions and talking one-on-one.  When we die, the last thing we are going to request is that the TV is on in the room and no direct communication is taking place.

For spouses and partners – Recapture the way you felt the first time you realized that you were in love.  That winning formula never goes out of style we just forget to keep doing it.

For people you work with or for —  Be a sounding board.  Do not judge.  Just your ears alone are worth more than any words that come out of your mouth.

And for friends – Be playful and innovative.  As kids that’s how we made friendships and that formula never grows old.  We can have 1,000 Facebook friends, 100 Instagram followers, a whole host of acquaintances  but in life we only have a handful of true friends – people who deeply care about each other – and these people must be cherished.

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Almost nothing hurts like feeling a friend is not the friend you thought.

It happens all the time.  Has happened to me and perhaps to you.

Or someone not there for you when they used to be or you think they should be.

A person who becomes so self-absorbed that your friendship is adversely affected.

Competition.

Jealousy.

I said in my book that jealousy kills relationships.

Here’s how to go on a jealous diet:

• Let go of the fear that you don’t have value.

• Repeat often:  “jealousy hurts me more than it hurts them”.

• Count jealousies like calories – make a list of the people of whom you are jealous.

• Focus on your accomplishments – building self-esteem tends to make us less envious.

• Make amends for jealous behavior.  Even if a friend is unwilling to do so, it changes you in a positive way to work your jealousy calories down to zero.

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Acceptance is one of the stages of grief.

It’s about dealing with adversity and inspiring yourself to be creative about more possibilities.

Dealing with loss takes as much time as it takes as long as we remain able to function in our every day activities.

But there are so many things that we are forced to accept in life and one way is to consider whether it will even matter in years from now.  It’s surprising how much easier it becomes to accept the little things in life when we realize that they won’t really matter several years down the line.

For big losses that are harder to accept, search for some positive meaning.

Out of bad comes good so reminding ourselves of this will slowly but surely bring us to acceptance.

That even big losses open up new opportunities.

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1. Reading or writing while driving
2. Reaching for an object other than a phone
3. Using a touchscreen on a GPS or other vehicle technology
4. Driving while angry, sad, crying or highly emotional
5. Fatigue
6. Interacting with an adult or teen passenger

This from a New Virginia Tech study.

Putting on makeup and following the vehicle in front of you too closely are no longer the impediments that they were previously thought to be.

We’re discovering our digital life is increasingly deadly to relationships, our stress levels and now all of these in-car dangers.

We’re always trying to find ways to live in the now and one great start would be to turn off the phone, eliminate some of the actions and distractions that are proven to be hazardous above and make the car a place to live in the present.

Enjoy the ride, the day and if traffic ruins all those possibilities – at least enjoy the companionship of music or the spoken word.

For sure, we have to become proactive reigning in our digital lives or it will continue to become toxic for our health and happiness.

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The time we spend trying to control our lives is all consuming.

Almost everyone wants to make sure things go exactly their way and as a result we are increasingly making ourselves miserable by trying to be in total control of our lives.

Even knowing that we tend to avoid people who are pushy and domineering, we still do it.

There is new research from Johns Hopkins that concludes learning to ignore things helps people to concentrate on what they really want.

So arguably the hardest thing we can do is best for our health and happiness and it makes us more desirable to be with.

To gain control, give up control.

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What happens when you ask your kids at the dinner table “what happened at school today?”

Nothing, of course.  Ask a thousand times and get a thousand answers the same.

And that’s assuming you are not making these two mistakes:  no family dinnertime together and no cellphones allowed at the table.

What I am about to suggest works with young people and helps retrain their brains to think positively – and here’s the best part – this works at the office as well.

“What happened that was good today?”

This is how you build optimism.  It helps build on success.  Gets us and others away from fixating on problems and focusing on opportunity.

At the end of a meeting you are running, try “Tell me something good you can take away from our time together”.  Do this often and it will get a seamless response.

Even in one-on-one relationships to ask another person, “Tell me something good” that happened when we spent the weekend together and you will be changing negative talk to positive interactions.

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