Yes, shame.

That’s a strong word and I’m talking from experience here.

Being hired and promoted – that’s pride.

Being terminated for any reason is too often absorbed in our lives and those around us as shame and we should stop that thinking in its tracks.

A few suggestions:

• Some of the best careers ever came after a firing or misunderstanding at a previous job.
• Think of this:  just as some people get along better and are more productive with others, the same is true of employers.
• Toxic work forces set us up for the shame that follows.  At CBS Radio where massive layoffs are happening with more on the way, employees were disappointed but not surprised.  They felt it coming.  Work extra hard to resist the beating self-esteem takes at toxic work places.
• Another consoling thought:  often the person doing the firing gets theirs in spades later.  You may just have gone before them.  Try not to hold grudges that are 100% useless to your future success.
• Never hang your head.  Show your spouse and children (and those around you) that, yes, you are disappointed, even sad but not broken.  Remind them frequently that this is an opportunity you didn’t ask for, but one that you embrace.
• No one ever died from being fired – inconvenienced, disrupted, economically challenged but it’s not the end, it’s always a new beginning.  Always.

A job is only one way to exhibit self-esteem.  The other is successfully rising to the occasion to handle adversity.  In fact, it’s often the better way.

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There is a fascinating new study from Northwestern University that was just released.

The more time we spend on our phones, the greater chance that we are depressed.

The average daily use for depressed people was 68 minutes.

Happy people used their phones for 17 minutes.

The poll is 87% accurate according to the scientists who put it together using information on cellphones that track usage.  The used GPS data to track whether participants were spending time at home or just a few locations which is linked to depression.

An irregular schedule can also make phone users sad and unhappy.

The more we use digital devices, the more challenging it is to live a happy life.

Too much screen-time.

Not enough activity, interaction and change of locations.

I’m concerned and writing about this because I am sure that my use is at least 68 minutes and I’ve always been concerned about the balance of screen time, personal interaction and rest.

This latest data suggests some remedies to avoid problems:

• Change locations and bring your phone with you.  Do not become sedentary.  (My Apple Watch reminds me to stand up when I have been sitting too long – I like that).
• Seek personal face-to-face interaction.  Make it a daily mission to talk to people and look them in the eye.  Do not confuse Facebook friends with available friends.
• Cut screen time.  There is more of a health benefit to spending less time on digital devices than more.

Be 100% present when in the company of others and guarantee that smartphone usage will not adversely affect you.

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More on the Northwestern study here.

I have written about how I often asked my USC students to give up their cellphones (or face a 27-page paper).

Of course, they reluctantly did it and reported back to the group that they both liked being phone-free and hated it.

I have an Apple Watch, iPhone, iPad, laptop and like you I’m grappling with ways to stay connected and be disconnected as well.

That’s called balance.

A friend of mine, R Dub!, a dj in San Diego, recently stashed his phone for a week while on vacation and got these results:

1. Slept better.
2. More polite – no glancing down or distracted conversations.
3. Took in life more and experienced it in the present.
4. No longer tempted to check the phone while driving – really, it used to wait and still does.
5. Recognized that the world didn’t end if he didn’t check the phone at least every hour.

The number of times we check our phones each hour is insane – more than once and many more times for teens.

The optimum use for your cellphone is a tool for communication and information, not a lifestyle.

Adjust it appropriately to get to a balance, but the first step is starting now.

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We recovered from the Great Recession many years ago according to statistics but somehow it doesn’t feel that way.

Jobs continue to be outsourced, eliminated or doubled up with added responsibility.

Only the outstanding companies devote needed time to managing people and getting the best out of them.

The elimination of the American worker in the name of “best practices” or “right-sizing” is not going to end any time soon.

So what should we do to deal with uncertainty about our careers?

1. Never even consider leaving a job that you absolutely love because of someone you work with or work for.  This is the one circumstance that requires you to outlast the offensive co-worker if at all possible.  Harassment or abuse are exceptions.  Never tolerate it.
2. Always be looking for your next job.  Athletes have agents who look ahead to free agency. TV reporters are constantly aware that the best career move may be one to another market even when they are relatively happy where they are.
3. The antidote for feeling insecure is to devote 10% of your time each month looking for potential jobs and/or getting the training to be employable elsewhere.  This way you will be less frightened when things turn sour.
4. Once a year take a few days to ask yourself if you want to continue to do what you do for another year.  Often we fear losing jobs that we really don’t want.  When we take time to review what we’ve done and what we would like to do a year ahead it often opens our eyes to new possibilities even if you can’t immediately leave your present employment.
5. Be positive about your skills.  Frequently before companies let people go, they write them up using trumped up reasons so that they have evidence to fire them.  Never let anyone get that deeply into your head that they can make you feel badly about the kind of work you do.

Replace fear thoughts with the realization that you are always a free agent.

In 100% of the cases, the next job is better than the one you don’t like or the one where your talents are not appreciated.

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1. No need to do everything.  Multitasking may be possible but it is not worth the stress.  Prioritize the 20% of things you want to do in a day and leave the rest for another time.
2. Be a peacekeeper.  Helping others find common ground is less stressful than fighting for everything – many of which really don’t matter.
3. Get out of bed only after you find a new thing or person to be grateful for once your eyes open.  You can repeat the same person or thing but always look for others.  Gratitude is a natural stress reliever.
4. Nurture yourself.  All of us too frequently neglect the wants and needs that we have.  Champion “me time”.
5. Lean on others.  There is nothing wrong with asking others for help. In fact, even if problems cannot be resolved, the interaction can be calming.
6. Divorce digital devices some of the day.  Do not sleep with them.  Power them down an hour and a half before bed if possible.  Enjoy digital connectivity but not at the expense of relationships.  Being distracted is stressful and we can control that.

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This is our biggest, most important challenge.

How often do we bend and twist to become a better fit for someone else’s agenda?

Compromise is fine, but life’s decisions are yours to make and no one else’s.

We sometimes work in jobs we don’t like.

Stay in relationships that are just plain wrong.

Miss opportunities to follow our dreams because someone else has a powerful influence on us.

My vow is to live my unique life – not that of someone else or unduly influenced by another.

When I told my Italian father who was a military man and government worker that I wanted to be a disc jockey on the radio, he did everything he could to talk me out of it.

He said I should find a more secure career (you think?) and do something more normal.  Of course, he was the one who eventually bragged to his friends to “listen to my son on the radio”.  To not follow my dream would have been the worst choice.

Even well-meaning people can detour us from the sequence of events that is our unique life.

Don’t live someone else’s life.  Start by talking honestly to yourself about that which makes you happy and fulfilled and have the confidence to listen to your inner voice.

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Politicians aren’t the only ones promising change.

Products make the same promise (remember “New Coke”).

When the new boss comes in and promises to shake things up, everyone gets nervous and they hardly ever win the enthusiastic cooperation of others.

When we promise a spouse, or friend that we will change our ways, we are taking on a task that is almost impossible to deliver on.

People want things to be better, not to change.

This means that if we want to be a better parent, we don’t have to turn over a new leaf, we only have to do something better (i.e., be a better listener, non-judgmental).

With our spouses and partners we don’t have to undertake a transformation that will make us this other person we probably don’t even want to be.

Just pick something between the two of you and make it better.

Focusing on being a better person in small but meaningful ways is the transformative change that makes a difference.

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You can’t think yourself into enthusiasm.

It must be an action.

When I taught the Dale Carnegie Course, one of the things that I wanted each student speaker to get was a rousing round of applause after their two-minute talk.

Simply asking audiences to be enthusiastic almost never works.

So I would have them stand on their feet and repeat after me five times: “Act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic” (louder each successive time).

When they took their seats again, the ambience in the room was noisier. And after each one of their classmates finished their talk, an enthusiastic round of applause followed.

This doesn’t just apply in a classroom.

Before I walk into an office for a meeting, I remind myself to act enthusiastic so I’ll be enthusiastic.

Before a speech or presentation, I get up and move around in a physically animated way. I want to be in motion.

When I greet people, they just don’t get a limp hand, they get an up-tempo hello.

It goes even further.

Greet family members with enthusiasm that you physically feel before you’re in their company.

No one can resist an enthusiastic person and all it takes is to remember this mantra: “Act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic”.

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When I get angry I feel out of control, not rationale and not the person I strive to be.

But there are times when anger is appropriate.

• When it is directed at the right person (too often it is hurled at the wrong person).
• When the reason is right – not something else that has been festering inside you.
• When the time is right and not embarrassing or inappropriate.
• When it is measured and not an all out frontal attack on another human being.
• And when you are sharing anger for a substantive reason.

Unbridled anger usually leads to unhappy people, disastrous outcomes and a lost opportunity to properly share passionate feelings.

Strive to communicate anger to others the way you would have them tell it to you.  You know you have succeeded when both parties are still civil.

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One of my friends is kind of irked at parents who arrange a play date for their children and then cancel at the last moment leaving a bunch of kids disappointed.

I feel a sense of obligation to answer all my email, keep my promises and show up for appointments.

Now that we can text and email, no need to even phone with excuses.

The same lack of consideration is evident for parties and events where people either don’t commit until the last moment or don’t show up when they commit.

I’m going to go on being as considerate as I can – so be careful, invite me to your parties and I’ll be there.

For everyone else who does not value the time of others, it’s one strike and you’re out.  Unfortunately we keep giving people the chance to be more considerate with the same disappointing results.

No more invitations.  No more play dates.

Live the life you want to live and set up boundaries for others who fail to value your time and show basic consideration.

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