This is the poignant way Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg described the choice that she had 30 days after the sudden death of her husband Dave Goldberg.

When we lose a loved one, we struggle.

Sandberg’s article is so worth the few minutes it takes to read.

The struggle with loss is always with us – the loss of a loved one who is irreplaceable.  The loss of our careers, marriages, relationships, health and time concern all of us no matter what age.

Goldberg was 47 years old.

Sandberg shared a situation that occurred after her husband’s death that required a father-child activity that he will obviously not be able to make.

So her friend put his arm around her and said, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.”

We will always mourn for the first option but expressing our eternal love for someone in real time is the new mission.

Sheryl Sandberg channels a song by Bono, “There is no end to grief . . . and there is no end to love.”

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Mayo Clinic’s Dr. Amit Sood says that the world is now so fast we find ourselves hurrying even when we’re not late.

Hurry has become a habit.

It’s easy to blame our digital devices but we remain the masters of our digital devices.

This is on us.

If living in the present is our goal – if that is what promises to bring us the most happiness – we are rushing right past the now to what’s next.

The past is a file that you call up, refer to and then click off of.

The future is for planning ahead but we cannot live in the future.

All we have is what’s happening now – good or bad.

To rush past the present is a lost opportunity.

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Robert Hatfield Ellsworth had his own table at Donohue’s steakhouse in Manhattan, a hangout for the rich and famous and not so famous.

When he died recently as the New York Times reported, Ellsworth left $50,000 to each of his two favorite waiters. How’s that’s for a final tip?

But look what one of the waiters said about the art broker’s very generous gift:

“…I’d give back the money tomorrow to have him back because Bob was like a member of the family…”

Even money – lots of it is not as potent a gift than the presence of a kind person.

There are many ways we can show our gratitude in small meaningful ways.

Write a note on the bill of a restaurant.

Tell a person to their face why they are special to you.

Give them the gift of your time in a world where everyone seems to be rushing through living in the present.

Being the fine person you are is the only investment that’s needed to make others happy.

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Turning yourself inside out to make friends is a slippery slope.

Too quickly you may regret the changes that you’ve had to make in the name of friendship and it’s difficult to sustain that which doesn’t come naturally.

When I was divorced, a counselor said to me, spend more time working on the person you want to be not the one you want to meet.

How powerful that was.

And it is true in all kinds of relationships.

Who do you want to be in that friendship?

What kind of a co-worker or boss do you want to be?

What are the four values that guide your happiness (if we don’t know, we should reflect on it)?

And, what four qualities do I like most in others.

When we know where we are going, we have a better chance of getting there.

Meeting nice people starts by being introduced to ourselves first.

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When I don’t worry does that mean I have replaced it with something better?

Worry is a natural reaction to events and actions that make us fearful of losing control.

Once it starts, worry is hard to stop.

And when we worry for years or for a lifetime, it defines us.

So eliminating worry is really not possible without replacing it with something better.

Actually, eliminating worry is fairly doable.

99% of the things we worry about will never happen and the 1% that does is hardly ever exactly what we feared.

Question: looking at it like this, do you think it is a good use of time to worry about things that are likely never to happen as we fear them?

That’s why we should replace worry with something significant, healthy and better for our minds.

The freedom that comes from letting go.

When athletes let go, they play better. When they bear down, they inhibit themselves, slump or underperform.

The antidote for worry should not just be the absence of worry but the newfound freedom that comes from letting go.

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A friend of mine has finally found a relationship that she thinks has long-term potential and yet to hear her talk you would think that she expects the wheels to come off at any time.

Why?

Because that’s what she thinks she deserves.  It’s happened before so she fears it will happen again.

When good things happen, the better response is “I deserve this”.

I’ve earned it.

It changes the wiring in our brain when we initiate positive affirmations instead of negative ones.

What do you think happens to people who say “Something is bound to go wrong”?

It usually does.

But when we say, I deserve my new found good fortune, we pattern our thoughts and as important – our behavior – in a way that produces better outcomes.

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Even though most people know that 99% of the things they constantly worry about will never happen, they continue to pay the toll for fear and worry.

Life is enjoyed when we don’t try to over manage it.

This calls for a new way to look at worry:

• Things that we worry about more often than not turn out to be better than the status quo.
• Very often worry is more about the fear of change than it is what we are specifically worried about.
• For people of faith, putting it in the hands of a higher power is often enough comfort to get them through times of fear and worry.  For others, just giving up control can make a big difference.
• The most effective trigger in dealing with change differently is to consider the high cost you are paying in mental and physical distress.

Concern is forethought.

Worry is fear thought.

Change the way you look at worry and you change your life.

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The best motivation for digging down deep and forgiving another person no matter what the offense is that it primarily benefits us.

We forgive primarily for ourselves – not for the perpetrator of bad deeds.

Forgive doesn’t mean condone.

And it surely doesn’t mean that we have to subject ourselves to further hurt.

People who have been wronged often spend the rest of their lives cloaked in animosity that can turn them into someone they don’t want to be.

Dan Snyder died after riding in a car at excessive speed with his Atlanta Thrasher’s hockey teammate Dany Heatley in 2003.  But Sndyer’s father publicly forgave Heatley, spoke in his defense before the court and allowed Heatley to go on with his career and life even if his son could not.

I’m not sure I could do that – and most certainly it is amazing the Snyder’s could be ready to forgive so soon after losing their son.

When faced with smaller but irritating offenses, I often think of the gift Graham Synder gave himself, his wife and family and young Heatley in the name of forgiveness.

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When we are in relationships that are going well, we accelerate them to the maximum possible speed.

But when these relationships hit a bump in the road how fast we are traveling really matters.

Going 100 miles an hour in a personal relationship is more destructive then going slowly because if you hit that bump slowly you have a much better chance of staying on the road to a good relationship.

But it is a human condition that when things go well, we want more and we want it faster.

How about more – slower?

Enjoy the good times.

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Bosses have a way of fogging our dreams.

When we were hired, goals and dreams matched up, but for some reason all but the exceptional boss hijacked our career narrative.

This can also happen in relationships. We know what we’re looking for but some sequence of events can detour our search for compatible companion and take us far off course.

Even our fitness and health can be adversely upended when we are around people who do not value the benefits of working to be healthy.

Our lives are our own story.

They are too valuable to outsource to anyone else.

We dream.

We aspire.

We know in our hearts the kind of people we want to be with.

Nothing is more empowering than making a daily affirmation to remind yourself to dream on and keep control of the narrative of your life.

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