Teens are not the only people who are being affected by shaming and bullying.

It is happening more and more at work because – yes, social and digital communication tools make it even more pervasive.

• Being left out is sometimes a form of shaming – nothing new to civilization but more pressing because more people can know that you have been left out of the loop.
• Responding with any form of “no” when you ask co-workers for ideas is a business bully tactic.  If we are asking for fresh thinking, we need to be prepared not to grade the comments we get in response.  “It’s not in the budget”.  “My opinion is (this) in response to your ideas”, etc.
• Firing a person who is well liked and considered valuable just because you can do it sends a chilling message to others that they may be next.  Never play with someone’s future.  The end of a business relationship should be cloaked in compassion, understanding and help not a statement of finality.  “Yes, come back and use our resources to find other opportunities”.  And mean it.
• The big bad elephant in the room is that beautiful people often get further, thinner people get the raise or promotion and people are judged by how they look not how they work.  This type of shaming is rampant in today’s businesses and needs to stop.  How we look is not up for consideration in judging our hearts or abilities.
• The best defense for a bully is to push back and then immediately repair the damage done by the thoughtless person.

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Since when is a cellphone an excuse to be a jerk?

To be non-responsive to the feelings of others?

To focus attention on a screen instead of looking into the eyes of the other person?

Since when is a screen in the backseat of a minivan a substitute for real time spent talking with mom and dad?

The average person receives and responds to over 50 text messages a day – are they better off for it?  Are we?

Good questions because soon many of us will be wearing watches that receive text messages to which we can dictate an audio response.

Digital devices are tools to better living.

Not a substitute for it.

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• From today forward don’t criticize yourself.  Find ways to be better but never as a response to not being adequate.
• Focus on what you are most proud of about yourself.  How would you describe your best advantage to another in one phrase?  Very compassionate person.  A real go-getter.  A consensus builder.  A warm heart with open arms.  Not things like this:  A great earner.  Successful person.  Rich.  Famous.
• While you are giving appreciation to others during the day, do it for yourself.  “I’m getting through a very difficult day” or “I just made my best presentation of the year”.  Include “thank yous” to you.
• Follow your conscience.  I have seen people passed over for promotion that have looked like they got the job because they were able to say, “I listened to myself”.
• Perfection is a zero sum game.  Be like the athlete who plays every game to win not the person who plays every game to be perfect.  In hockey, some goals are just plain ugly, but they count!
• Deal with mistakes as a learning tool.  Out of bad comes good – not always exactly the way we anticipate – but always.
• Comparing yourself to others is a guarantee of future poor self-esteem.  Is the first runner up in a beauty contest chopped liver?  Is physical beauty really that important?  Marvel at who you are.
• Give the gift that keeps on giving to others – your time – to get the real feel of what a person who likes him or herself is all about.

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David Letterman is getting ready to retire from his long late night TV career and in a recent interview he was asked whether the constant awareness of having to beat his competitors was a positive force or negative.

Letterman said that for a few years he was obsessed with trying to beat competitor Jay Leno in the ratings but just had to settle for the fact that Leno would always be number one.

This is no slight.  There are lots of things that contribute to great ratings in late night programming not the least of which is the 10pm network program that preceded local news and, yes, whether audiences stayed tuned for local news.

Once David Letterman stopped trying to do the impossible, his show got better, he got more creative and he became happier (even for the sullen sour puss image that he emits).

His quote says it all:

“The guy in the race who spends more time looking over his shoulder, well, that’s the mistake”.

No one ever accomplished anything good by looking back.

A runner looks ahead at the finish line and we should do no less.

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People who are jealous don’t usually see themselves as jealous.

Jealousy is a killer of friendships and relationships.

It is one human condition that is so self-destructive that we ought to outlaw it right now.

Cultivate a prevention program:

• When someone gets something or someone that I want, celebrate it with sincerity. You don’t want to be the kind of person who is only happy when your wants and dreams come true.
• Never compare yourself to another – it breeds jealousy and serves no human need.
• Avoid playing games. Power struggles often lead to jealousy situations and what is remarkable is that the game and not the goal becomes the focus of jealousy.
• Jealousy in relationships is not love. We give love we don’t take it. When we do not let those close to us have the freedom to choose us every day, we undermine our real value.
• Build up your self-esteem. Jealous people are not comfortable in their own shoes.

As William Penn said, “The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves”.

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In baseball, when a pitcher gives up a grand slam home run, it’s tough to come back next inning and fight for those runs back.

In life, when we get a rude awakening from someone who disappoints us, what often follows is depression, pity and the inability to rebound.  This is understandable but it is not the answer.

Your mate has found another – maybe there is someone else waiting to meet me. Some day I will thank you for choosing someone else.

Your employer is going to lay you off – After all I did for this company, really?  I probably would have stayed too long and missed my next opportunity for success so thank you for letting me go.

A friend betrays you — I’m devastated.  We were so close.  I feel so raw.  But true friends protect and do not hurt.  Maybe you’ve opened my mind so that I can recognize a real true friend in the future.

What do these three responses have in common?

Acceptance of the hurt that comes from disappointment.

A positive outcome projected for the future.

No animosity.

Gratitude.

Suffering is transformational.  It makes us better.

But when we approach disappointment like this we coincidentally reduce the duration of suffering.

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It happens.

You do all the right things to have a great day and then someone else rains on your parade.

Other people – including family, friends and, yes, employers – don’t get to make you unhappy without your permission.  Eleanor Roosevelt put it best when she said something similar — “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” and that applies to making their daily drama YOUR daily drama.

• Start with compassion —  “It’s too bad Jason has to take out his unhappiness on other people like me”.
• Add resolve – “I’m putting a stop/loss on his negative behavior before it goes any further”.
• End with a positive – “My day and my life is not on autopilot.  It is in my hands and I choose to keep enjoying every minute”.

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I often write about abusive people who push boundaries and abuse the sensibilities and feelings of others.

Then there are pushy people.

They have to get their way and they can do it by being passive, even charming – until we give in.

My rule of thumb is say yes to others as much as possible.  Most people say no so you’ll get great satisfaction from this and others will be the beneficiary of your kindness.

Where to draw the line is when a person invades your boundaries.  “Thems fightin’ words” to me. No matter how sweet or how forceful the approach, we must rise to the occasion in defense of the boundaries that define us as a person.

Example:  Someone tries to coerce you to do something that is unethical or just not right according to your sensibilities. The answer is no.

No is the magic word to repel pushy people.

You don’t have to shout it. You don’t have to get upset.  Just say the word – no. Say it as needed again and again if you have to in defense of the most persistent people.

When someone wants you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, the answer is no.  No explanation required.  The more you explain, the more pushy people use your words against you.

They say diplomacy is the art of letting other people have your way and diplomacy is good.

But boundaries define us – who we are, what we stand for – no person gets to do that but us.

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Worry is something that is acquired over a lifetime.

My mother was a worrywart.  And her only son took after her.  She had her reasons – my father was away at war for four years straight (no leave) and he had a heart attack not many years after he returned.  Still, she paid a heavy price for fear and worry.

The best book I have ever read on the topic is still Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living but a great way to feel the benefits of reduced worry right now is to try this.

Declare today – Tuesday – a worry-free day.

All day everything you find makes you anxious or makes you worry, tell yourself to hold that thought until tomorrow at (you choose the hour).

This way you can field as many worries as you want by rescheduling your worry but reward yourself with one-day off from obsessing.  You can deal with the problems tomorrow.  You can even jot the worries down or note them on a digital device.

The fact is, taking a day off from worry has residual effects on the other six days in the week.

Some folks find it hard to even put one day a week off-limits for worry so they can start small with a night, a weekend or a trip to the ballgame.  No worries allowed until the time and day you decide.

One thing Dale Carnegie always said was that 99% of the things we worry about never come true so doesn’t it make sense to be reassured by those numbers and start feeling what it’s like to be worry-free?

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The author and physician Amit Sood in his Handbook for Happiness poses the most intriguing question:

“Imagine you won $100 million in a lottery. Think about the people who would fulfill these two criteria”:

1. They will be truly happy for you
2. The won’t expect a dime

Dr. Sood reminds us that these are the people who are members of our inner circle. They wish the best for you with no selfish motives.

Do you know people like this?

Maybe there is one or two but these are the most important people in the world.

Seek them out.

Love them.

Hold them near.

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