It’s natural.

We all get concerned about the finite number of years our loved ones have left and for that matter what we have.

What may be surprising is that the fear of death is not a condition of the old, but also the young – many of whom increasingly are becoming obsessed with it.

Life is a journey with a beginning, middle and end.

There is no effective way to push aside the fear of death other than to make sure we fear not living every day that we have more than death.

I know a man who is raining cancer who asked his urologist if he could help him live just a few more years.  Of course, as doctors will tell you, once we get the reprieve, we want more.

The author and Mayo Clinic physician Dr. Amit Sood actually likes to be conscious of how little time we have as a reminder not to waste it.

He counts the number of years until his daughter leaves for college, the number of holidays he is likely to have left with his parents.  And although this may seem maudlin to some, this motivates him to enjoy every moment in the present.

Surveys show that people in hospice at the end of life never wish that they had worked hours of work, or pursued earning a higher salary.  They wish that they had more time for families, friends, experiences and dealing with life’s ups and downs.

Focus on living every day to the fullest because living to 100 doesn’t replace living 100% using the healthy “fear” of not living the life that we have this moment.

It isn’t an iPhone that people don’t like and actually, social media is a wonderful invention to connect thoughts, words, pictures and videos in real time.

It’s the lack of face-to-face interaction that is causing a society that even young people – addicted to digital devices – are increasingly concerned about.

Maybe that is you or someone you know.

When I can communicate anything I want with a tap of my digital device, I cannot appreciate if I have pleased you, disappointed or hurt you.

The lack of in-person feedback tends to make me more insensitive to those around me even as I get new digital tools and apps to “communicate” better.

So, what to do?

Give up the smartphone, avoid social media – drop out of the world as it now exists?

That is not necessary.

But there are a few things that can help maintain sensitivity to others that will not only enhance relationships but make digital contact more rewarding.

1. Think before sending.  Since we cannot see the reaction we are going to get put a little more thought into how your message may be received before sending.
2. Schedule face time for people who matter.  You know when you’re spending too much time communicating with digital tools.  When this happens, go direct.
3. Try FaceTime live video chats where you can see a person’s response to you in real time.  It helps to keep it sensitive to the impact of your words and thoughts.

Ask questions as often as you can.  Don’t always make “me” statements.  There is so much self-absorption in the world, we don’t want to be part of it.  Be sincerely interested in others – a good rule of thumb on our digital devices and in person.

Used to be that teens suffered from anxiety due to their hormonal changes and coming of age from adolescence to adulthood.

But the world is fast – very fast.

We are intertwined in social media and connected to people in ways that are not always fulfilling and rewarding.

Anxiety is an epidemic.  The Anxiety and Depression Association says that 10% of all teens experience anxiety so severely that it disrupts their lives.

Fleeting thoughts.

Not always knowing what causes the anxiety.  Scary stuff.

Many stressed out people turn to drugs and alcohol, but there are healthier ways to help a person who is experience runaway anxiety.

1. Listen carefully and respectfully to their concerns and remain non-judgmental.
2. Calm the anxious person but reassure them that anxiety is a natural part of life and that when it sometimes gets out of hand, anxiety can be reduced and they can feel better again.
3. Draw the person out to explore what situations or what people may be contributing to their anxiety.
4. Offer praise when this person shows courage to forge ahead in life in the wake of such uneasiness.
5. Recommend seeking professional help if anxiety lasts longer than six months or if you become very concerned about how they are handling their anxiety.

One of my USC students, a handsome and smart young man with everything going for him approached me one morning before class with tears in his eyes and said, “Professor Del Colliano, I cannot sit in this classroom”.

At first I joked and said, “Oh, you’ve seen my lesson plan”.

But soon it became apparent that he was so upset that to require him to do anything would be useless.

So I gave him the option to sit in the back of the room or leave as long as he returned to my office later in the day so I could try to be of help privately.

He sat in the last row.  Walked me to my office after class.  We chatted and he talked.  I listened.  He got help.  I suggested a diet with less sugar in it because sugar contributes to anxiety and we eat a lot of it in our daily diet.

I shared my own anxiety.

He won the battle and was forever grateful – not for any magic solution – but for allowing him to see his own anxiety and come up with his own plan to overcome it.

Always see clearly what you want.

And never forget being grateful for what you have.

I don’t know if you are like me.

I am ambitious – I have a knack for seeing vividly in my mind’s eye exactly that which I want in real ways that keep me motivated.

What I work on every day is to be as good at capturing a moment of gratitude for something that others might miss that reminds me how lucky I am to be alive.

As I have written previously, surveys show that the average couple needs $70,000 a year in the U.S. to be happy.

Anything less – they report less happiness corresponding with how much less they earn.

But curiously, anything more and they are not any happier.  Not even people who make millions of dollars.

$70,000 is the sweet spot.

This is significant because we spend a lifetime yearning to earn when we should also be yearning to learn the relationship between what we want and what we already are fortunate enough to have.

If you’ve seen the video of Baltimore Ravens’ star Ray Rice clocking his soon-to-be wife in an Atlantic City hotel elevator, you’ve got to ask – why did she go through with the marriage.

Even as the NFL scrambles to contain the outbreak of player violence and criminal behavior, Jenay Rice just wants everyone to leave them alone.

With domestic abuse, you really don’t get to be left alone because no one has a license to hit, hurt or abuse another person.

These are complicated issues from players whose families may not have always provided the tools to respect another person’s being.

Some thoughts:

1. Research shows verbal abuse is as painful as physical abuse and should be dealt with as the offense that it is.
2. Denying violent acts in a partner or spouse can be deadly.
3. A world in which violence is accepted and even championed (i.e., computer games) desensitizes people who get too used to hitting the reset button after fantasy play.  We get no reset button in life.
4. Drugs and alcohol exacerbate violent behavior and should not be considered excuses for physical or psychological abuse.

This scandal does not apply to just a group of elite athletes.

Psychologists tell us that one out of four children are abused by an adult.

Spousal abuse is ramping out of control.

Verbal abuse, shaming and cyberbullying is a real epidemic in our digital world.

Every man who has a mother, a sister, a wife or a daughter should know better than to hit or hurt a woman.

I had a girlfriend who attended not one but two semesters of therapy by an outstanding group called Women Against Rape.  I attended the boyfriend/spouse sessions simultaneously.

What we learned is that rape is a crime of violence not sex.

The takeaway is more apparent every day as Vikings running back Adrian Peterson is subsequently arrested for child abuse.

Love not hate.

Compassion not violence.

Communication not silence.

Quick!

Who was more likely to read a printed book last year – a Millennial or an older American?

In a recent Pew survey, more young adults report having read a book in the past year compared to older Americans, by a nearly 10 percentage-point margin.

62% of under 30’s believe there is “a lot of useful, important information that is not on the Internet.”

Perhaps surprisingly only 52% of older adults said the same thing.

When we make assumptions – in this case that young people are obsessed with their mobile devices and would never read a printed book – we are making a bad assumption that hurts us.

The same thing about race or gender.

Assume that all Asians like this and all gays are that by our own doing we withdraw from reality.

The rule of thumb should be:

Everyone is equal.

We’re all the same and we’re all different.

And an assumption is a terrible thing to make.

Philadelphia Eagles running back LeSean McCoy left a 20-cent tip to his waiter at the Philly restaurant PYT recently.

He didn’t like the service and refused to apologize for the tip but the restaurant said they were sorry that the incident became public.

What’s worse is none other than Charlie Sheen wrote a check to the waiter McCoy stiffed to make it up to him or her — $1,000 is a publicity opportunity in Hollywood.

My own poor service policy is that I leave a fair tip then leave the restaurant never to return.  Maybe it’s because my career is in radio and television and I don’t want to make a big stink.  I figure the staff reflects the management’s attitude toward service.

This is about a spoiled athlete, arrogance and lack of gratitude.

How about every time McCoy stinks up the football field, he gets his weekly salary cut by management?

We’re all human.

We all make mistakes.

Here’s how to make the people who “serve” you, happy to do so.

Call them by their name every time you talk to them.

Show respect.

Acknowledge any extra effort they may make that pleases you.

When you add the tip, write a note on the receipt or bill that tells what you appreciated most about their service.

And what if service was really, really bad?

Calculate the number of times you eat out every year and figure the percentage of times when service was horrible.

Then be thankful that percentage is so low.

By the way, the best customers in any restaurant are ex-waiters and waitresses.  They usually tip well and show appreciation because they know how hard the job is.

One of my readers asked how do you shake off damaging things your parents drilled into your head.

And I’m not talking about bad parents here because once you become a parent you know that your intention is always to do the right thing.

But sometimes comments like “You are your own worst enemy” and words about being lazy or selfish are not only hurtful during childhood but forever.

A parents voice lingers in our minds for better and for worse.

Parental influence is so strong that even after they are long gone, their words still play in your head.

So, a few thoughts on shaking off damaging things even loving parents have said.

1. Every time a negative parental comment rises to the surface again, force yourself to match it with something THEY said about you that was positive.  Level the playing field of your psyche.
2. Repudiate the negative voice.  If mom or dad said something like “You are irresponsible” and it sticks with you to this day, kill that thought with recent evidence to the contrary.
3. Laugh it off.  That’s right.  Humor is a great healer.  My mother said a lot of positive things to me but she was never impressed with how I spent money so when that thought came to mind, I would said, “You’re right mom, I should throw nickels around like manhole covers” (in other words, be really cheap).  I know it would make her smile.
4. Kill that negative thought with love.  Parenting is a tough job.  There is no school to train for parenthood.  When haunted by a negative parental voice, disagree with the sentiment but express your gratitude even if your parents are no longer with you.
5. In such cases, go to the cemetery and have “a talk” with your departed parent.  If you think they are in a better place, they are probably rooting for you and proud of what you have become.
6. And my favorite of all – “If dad were here today, he’d be proud of me”.  Try it.  It really works.

I’m not preaching.

I’m learning the hard way like most of us.

Most of us do not need enemies the way we beat ourselves up constantly.

That’s why one of the most important things I have ever shared in years of writing this daily blog is to put a stop/loss on all negative thinking whether someone else gives it to us or whether we inflict it upon ourselves.

We need to be our best advocate.

Looking to others may feel good but it makes us codependent to them and puts power in the hands of those close to us who shouldn’t have it.

Be on the lookout for negative thoughts.

Purge them from your mind a.s.a.p.

If you don’t believe in yourself with all your talents and shortcomings, who will?

When the author Norman Cousins was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he ordered a bunch of Marx Brothers movies and said if he had to die he was going to go out laughing.

Of course, he lived – for a long time – and when he later had a heart attack, Cousins told the EMTs on the way to the hospital not to worry; that he wasn’t going to die.

He lived.

If negative thinking can successfully be extracted from life and death situations, we have no excuse not to become more aware of the damage we do to ourselves when we allow a negative thought in our mind even for a brief period of time.

If marriage licenses were offered in one-year increments, imagine how much better relationships would get.

Fall asleep at the switch and you could lose your mate.  Knowing you have to both renew your intention every year is the antidote for the laziness and complacency that often sets in to ruin a marriage.

We have to decide on which cell phone we want every two years.

Health, auto and home insurance have to be renewed and revisited yearly.

In most states car registration requires an act of renewal for varying periods of time depending on which state you live in.

But when we get married, that’s all that is required until trouble shows up.  That’s why marriage counselors tell me that by the time they get a husband and wife into therapy, it is usually too late for the relationship.  It is the individual who becomes the focus on the counselor’s attention.

Of course, one-year renewable marriage licenses are never going to happen, but that doesn’t mean that people who value their union can’t renew their own vows yearly.  It doesn’t take a fancy get away weekend or a marriage workshop although that works, too.

Startling research studies have been done over the years to show how many people would not do it all over again given what they know after being married to their mate.

There is an old joke that marriage is a fine institution if you want to be institutionalized, but the truth is if we had to opt in every year in real time the way we pursue our careers, there would be more happily married people in the world.