For those times when we need more self-esteem:

• If you’ve earned the right to do, speak, lead or participate in something important, that makes you uniquely qualified.
• Confidence isn’t a feeling.  It’s a commitment.  Kind of like faith and trust.  Every time we talk ourselves down, we have become the enemy.
• Increased confidence cannot be transferred from one person to another (sorry, motivational speakers).  We can be inspired by others but every individual is responsible for the way they feel about themselves and their abilities.
• Even being fallible or failing can be a confidence builder if we can find the positives in our actions (i.e., I worked for one full week on that presentation).
• Add a future promise – the next time I get the chance to do (whatever), I’m going to be even better.

And when you hit it out of the park, take a Confidence IOU.  Write it down, put it on your phone and review your victories daily.

People without great confidence in themselves fixate on perceived failures and easily forget their many successes that can inspire further confidence.

Never forget a success – no matter how small.  They help crowd out negative thinking that ruins self-confidence.

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Social media makes it easier to shame someone without having to actually look them in the eye.

To decide who is too fat, too skinny, too different and then have at them.

Body shaming is another form of hurtful and dangerous bullying because, as with bullying, the victim often eventually believes the criticism.

Here’s a good defense:

• Point out the uniqueness, the beauty and the goodness of people instead of focusing on the physical.
• Even when paying compliments we can inadvertently tie perceived good looks to a value they do not deserve.  My best friend Jimmy Weinraub had it right when he improved on “Your hair is beautiful” replacing it with “Your hair is as beautiful as you are a person”.  Then he would share a quick, authentic example that backed it up — “It was very considerate of you to bring cupcakes for everyone”.
• I love this one – think about and share with others how people’s bodies change over a lifetime as they age.  Tight abs can become a beer belly.  And this applies to everyone including the bully who is hurling shame towards their victims.  Never tie beauty only to physical looks because beauty is an ever-changing thing.
• Everyone pointing a finger at another has three pointing back at them, which means often the things bullies direct at others in hurtful behavior are weaknesses they see in themselves.

Don’t tolerate body shaming — set an example to friends, co-workers and children that it’s what’s inside them that counts.

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It’s what we do with it that counts.

Blow it or put it to work.

That’s a healthy way of looking at adversity.

Almost no one’s successful career got to where it is without turbulence along the way.

Often a bitter divorce leads to a happier future marriage if lessons are learned and appreciation becomes important. But you can’t tell this to a person going through it. Hang on, out of bad comes good.

Bad luck is the new good luck.

Almost no one who wins big lottery jackpots has money left when the payments stop. How can so many people (confirmed through many studies) make so little out of so much? That’s not good luck.

Adversity is certainly not pleasant, but it has its advantages when fate requires you to confront it.

Adversity makes us dig deeper into what’s really important, what we really want, the person we want to be, the kind if people we want in our lives.

When adversity strikes it may just be the thing that strengthens you and paves the way for a more favorable outcome.

Remember that potential favorable outcome as soon as bad things happen and your journey will be less painful.

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Why do we want our doctors to be perfectionists but not us?

We have high standards when our health is on the line.

Maybe that’s why almost every patient that is about to have a procedure says the same thing – “my doctor is the best”.  We never say, “my doctor is not a perfectionist, she just does her best”.

When we spend money on dining, we want the chef to get everything right not half-baked.

If we demand perfection, why doesn’t it work out for us when we try to deliver it?

My father was a perfectionist and I have some of those qualities, too.  They can drive you mad getting OCD over having everything just so.

I really don’t want to change even though I admit it makes me miserable at times.  Okay, a lot of the time.

But I am coming to discover a way of reconciling perfection with a good job.

I think about sports.

No team sends their players in to do their worst.  Okay, maybe the Phillies and 76ers.  But usually, you take to the field, court or ice aiming to be perfect.  Get a hit, score a three-pointer, get a goal.  We want to be our best.

Think of it this way, we play the game seeking perfection but – and this is very important – we judge it by how hard we tried.   That way, our obsession with perfection is not a disease but an admirable trait.

Salvador Dali had it right when he said, “Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it”.

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Cliff Zukin, a public policy and political science professor at Rutgers conducted a study that will fascinate you about rude bosses and rude employees.  (The survey covers 605 people in 17 industries).

Rude Behavior By Bosses (in order) …

• Interrupts people
• Is judgmental of those who are different
• Pays little attention to or shows little interest in others opinions.
• Takes the best tasks and leaves the worst for others

Rude Behavior Employee’s Admit To …

• Hibernates into e-gadgets
• Uses jargon even when it excludes others
• Ignores invitations
• Is judgmental of those who are different (same as rude boss behavior above)

Politeness and kind consideration of others is the ticket according to other studies.

Jerks can succeed by being rude and employees can suffer by as well when they exhibit the same behavior.

The most successful people lift people up not run them down.

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Read more: No Time To Be Nice At Work

Sometimes things just get too overwhelming – even the most determined person has their limits.

But before throwing in the towel, take ten seconds to consider these two things:

1. Think of another person who may be disappointed if you give up because that’s a secret reservoir of energy with which to confront constant frustration. Do it for the other people who matter.
2. Remember all the people who have overcome adversity – try to think of one or two specifically – and be mindful of the moments before they almost gave up.

In the end, you wait out adversity; you don’t quit on it no matter how discouraged you are.

It’s not whether.

It’s always when.

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No bookkeeping necessary.

When friends and trusted individuals are involved, the best policy is not to keep tabs on what one party or another does to be helpful or kind.

Being in the radio business, I came close to losing my house early in my programming career. A friend offered to give me $5,000 that would help me make the payment for a few months. But I refused. Said I had no guarantee that I could repay him and in fact didn’t even have a job prospect. I shook hands and left.

The next day he called me back to his office and took out the envelope again (it felt like a funeral scene from the Sopranos – you know, an envelope with money in it).

This time he looked me in the eye and said, “You are going to be somebody and I want to bet on you. I do not care if you ever pay the money back. It comes without strings”.

I reluctantly took the money and shortly thereafter got a great programming job. One of the first things I did was recommend my friend to be the station’s local attorney and I returned the favor.

How did he get me to take the money when I didn’t know if I could ever repay it?

He leaned forward and said, among friends “you owe everybody and everybody owes you”.

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Has this happened to you?

Recently I made the acquaintance of an interesting man who shortly after he introduced himself to me, proceeded to talk for more than an hour – about himself.

Most emails are self-centered – about the sender and what he or she wants.  Often – but thankfully not always – they totally disregard the receiver’s interests, well-being or state of mind.

Go back and review your text messages and see how many of them actually are person centered – to you?

The realization is that we live in a world of self-absorption.  Even retailers and advertisers pander to that.

Dale Carnegie also cautioned to make people like you, talk in terms of the other persons interests, but does that work today when people are already talking about themselves.

The answer is – double down.

Even a self-absorbed person cannot help but like to hear us say, “Tell me more about this”.  And surprisingly, you may get an inquiry about you.

Just because the world is getting more self-absorbed and egotistical does not mean that we have to be that way.

Fighting for attention from a self-absorbed person is always a losing battle.

But doubling down and talking in terms of that person’s interests still works almost every time.

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The author Scott Addington writes:  “My purpose became clearly evident after I stopped looking for it”.

In Addington’s case the birth of his daughter.

“Beginning with that moment , there has never been the slightest doubt regarding the purpose and source of meaning in my life”.

Sometimes it is the loss of a job or loss of a relationship that is unexpected.

Often, the very thing we think is our main reason for being turns out not to be.

Doctors who sour on their profession, lawyers who want to do something else and not use their law degree.

This fascinates me in my own journey.

Maybe we don’t have just one true purpose in life.  Maybe there are several reasons for us being the person we are.

And as a professor I can also add, maybe the reason is to help others discover the wonder of their skills and abilities.

Never get discouraged that you cannot discover your real meaning of your life.  Instead be brave and stop looking.

The answer will make itself evident shortly thereafter.

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(David Brooks did a thoughtful piece in The New York Times recently on searching for purpose.  I thought you might like to read it here).

A friend of mine in the radio industry wrote me the most beautiful email about the ups and downs he has experienced in his life.

As he puts it:  “My goal in life was to become a good father, husband, employee, now there is no employer, the kids have left the house and I am divorced”.

I wrote back:  I wish I could take back all MY bad decisions and actions in life. The only problem is, these very irritations are what transforms us.  We keep living by learning.  No one’s life is right out of the box and ready to roll for an entire lifetime.

Pain is transformational.

Bumps in the road are building blocks.

We learn humility as a result of our arrogance.

Everything happens for a reason.  We are not always privy to what that reason is so patience, faith and good works are what keeps us going down the road to success and happiness.

Adversity introduces a person to him or herself and to those around them.

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